


Hózhǫ́

by Ragno, xipypuck



Series: Red-Eyed Owl [3]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hockey, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, National Hockey League, Press and Tabloids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-01-17 21:26:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 103,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12374409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ragno/pseuds/Ragno, https://archiveofourown.org/users/xipypuck/pseuds/xipypuck
Summary: Time passes by faster than one would think, and Ryan Ross' life keeps going just like everyone else's after three years. He has moved on, he still plays in the NHL and he loves his job, his dogs and his friends. Ryan's life is pretty much surrounded by hockey 24/7 and it is a normal one with no changes at all. That's it until he decides to face his past and discovers maybe he wants this to change.





	1. Tomorrow never comes

**Author's Note:**

> So! Here we go again. We are really happy you guys like this story so much and we finally started this third part, which is absolutely... surprising, I think. I hope you all enjoy it as much as the other ones. Thank you so much for the support and comments and hating us a little (honestly, we deserve it). But we'll try to make it up to you with this one! xo. 
> 
> Xipy

The first thing Ryan feels when he starts to wake up is the silence. Too much silence in the house. The dogs are not barking, he’s not snoring, Brendon is not talking in dreams. Nothing. He starts to be aware of the quietness surrounding him slowly and he reaches out with his hand to touch Brendon’s body, to get closer to him. But he finds nothing.

Ryan opens his eyes when he turns around and feels the bed empty and cold, and it’s weird because he usually wakes up before Brendon does. He calls his name, sitting up on the bed and clearing his throat so he can speak louder. He gets no answer, and he frowns as he looks around the room. Maybe he’s downstairs listening to music and he can’t hear him, or he’s punching something in the gym. It’s been a while, but it could happen. It’s then when Ryan sees it, the note on the nightstand.

He has to rub his eyes before he begins to read it, smiling as he sees the first words, Brendon telling him he loves him. The smile turns into a frown soon, though, and as he keeps reading the letter he feels his heart stop, his breath freezing, his whole world turning upside down. He doesn’t finish reading the letter.

He gets off the bed and says his name. Again and again, and over again. He runs. And he pants because he feels like losing his lungs. He looks in the bathroom, the guest room, the living room, the kitchen. The studio, the gym, and the backyard. Ryan looks everywhere all around their home and he finds nothing. The dogs look at him like they know exactly how he feels and they don’t move, just stay lying on the floor crying softly.

Ryan breaks.

He loses his balance for a moment, the world disappears around him, everything is blurred and his eyes are dark at the edges, he’s fighting for breath. And he moves, telling himself this is not happening, repeating this is a nightmare over and over again. He runs back up to their room and opens the wardrobe to find it half empty. Just his own clothes and a few ones from Brendon. But the place where their clothes used to be is empty. No sweatpants, no jeans, no hoodies, no shirts. Empty.

As empty as the room and the house, empty while Ryan takes a few steps back and sits on the floor, looking around, searching for his own sanity. He doesn’t hear anything, not his breathe nor his pants. He doesn’t see anything, his body shaking or his hands trembling when they get up to his hair. He feels nothing, the beating of his heart pounding hard against his chest or the wet trails tears leave behind them. He is alone. He is empty.

Brendon is gone. And Ryan’s world explodes right there in front of him, crashing into a pile of broken glass. Suddenly everything that ever made sense in his life doesn’t exist anymore and he doesn’t know who he is, where is he going or what is he going to do. He loses all sense of existence and he can’t think, he can’t focus on anything but the fear, the deep, burning feeling inside his guts ripping him apart and destroying him from the inside.

Ryan forgets how time passes by, he forgets how life is supposed to be lived. He stays in that same position, looking for something he doesn’t feel like having anymore and trying to build some kind of composure in order to move. To breathe. He’d like to think he does, but he’s not that much of a fool. He stays right where he is, where everything is nothing and full is empty, waiting for the nightmare to end. And failing to get there.

*

It’s 6 am when Ryan opens his eyes slowly as he feels the constant but soft bump of one of his dogs’ face against his. He just needs to blink the sleep away and move a little to see Rat looking back at him with her tongue out and waiting eyes. She’s calm and the rest of the dogs don’t seem to be up yet so there’s silence all over the house, but she knows it’s time for Ryan to wake up and start living. And she knows that involves walking her and the rest of the beasts for a while so she knows her moves.

Ryan says good morning and pets her head a little, rubbing his ears just like she likes and smiling when she lies down again and turn around, exposing her belly and looking at him happily. Ryan pets her for a while and Rat stays still the whole time, her side of the bed all wrinkled. She likes to sleep with Ryan now, they all spend a lot of time in his room and Zeppelin is still the one staying by his side the most of the time, but sleeping time seems to be a thing for Rat, and just as she sees Ryan turning off the lights and walking towards his room, she follows close behind, climbing on the bed and cuddling with him. He doesn’t know why she does that these last years, but he feels like she’s protecting him somehow, or like she doesn’t want him to feel alone. It actually works, and Ryan can’t be thankful enough for his dogs and the love they give him.

His daily routine is quite simple. He wakes up, he goes for a walk or goes running, walks the dogs, comes back home, fixes lunch, eats while watching the news and goes to work. He then goes back to his place, walks the dogs again, reads or writes for a while and go to bed early so he can keep going next day. Sometimes Tom or Spencer come to his house and they have a beer and watch a movie or something, and sometimes Ryan goes out at night, plays with the dogs or works out at the gym when he can’t sleep. They are good this season and Ryan knows they will be playing the playoffs, but he’s not sure about semifinals and Stanley Cup, so he works as hard as he can to make it.

He spends a couple of hours down at the gym after he comes back walking the dogs, with the music on and his exercises written down so he can keep a routine. He then spends another half an hour looking for a shirt he would have sworn he had, but he doesn’t find it anywhere and in the end, he just gives up. Maybe he lost it when he moved or he changed it and he doesn’t remember. It wouldn’t be that weird.

As soon as he finishes with lunch, he cleans things up and reads the paper for a while before he has to go to practice, kissing the dogs goodbye and grabbing his bag to go to the car. He checks his email on his way there because traffic is horrible enough for him to do it. He doesn’t pay attention to a lot of them, and he just reads three or four, one of Z asking how is he doing and telling him to call her some time to have a coffee. She doesn’t work with him anymore, but she likes to catch up now and then. Ryan doesn’t mind answering an email or two, but he’s avoiding meeting her. And she knows, Ryan knows she does, she was never stupid.

His day goes by just like always. He ends up being late for practice and paying his fine because of it, sweats to exhaustion during practice and rolls his eyes at Spencer when he complains about him being a boring motherfucker because he doesn’t want to go out at night. Tom even begs him, and that’s not his style, Tom uses to give him his space, but he says something about wanting to talk about some things. Ryan doesn’t buy it and he still says no, but he almost feels bad for them.

“Come on, you don’t need me to have fun,” he says, putting on his clothes and wetting them with his still damp hair.

“We’d be fucked if we would… with you being the life of the party and everything,” Spencer says. Ryan flips him off but doesn’t say anything, it’s not like he’s not right.

“Ryaaaaan, it’s gonna be fun! something light, right Spence?” Tom looks at him with big eyes.

“The last time you said that you called me at five in the morning because you couldn’t find your cat. And you don’t have a cat,” Ryan says, and Tom shuts his mouth right away, turning around to gather his things while he murmurs something about having one someday. Ryan smiles.

“Don’t bother, Oakes, he’s a lost cause. I don’t even know why you two keep pushing,” Blake shouts from the shower, sticking his head out and looking at them. “Your loss, Ross,” he adds, laughing at his own joke.

“So then it isn’t true, uh? The legend. The party crazy eighty-nine,” says one of the new kids with a strong Russian accent. He looks at Ryan with his big blue eyes like he’s getting very disappointed about this whole thing. Ryan opens his mouth to talk, but Aaron beats him to it.

“It was,” he says with a dreamy sigh, sounding resigned. “But then it happened.”

“What happened?”

“Brendon happened,” Derek chimes in, and he receives a hit on the head with one of Tom’s sneakers. “What the hell?!”

The whole locker room gets silent, the water still falling down the only sound on it. The Russian guy looks away from Ryan and doesn’t ask, and he looks down at his own bag, ignoring all the stares he knows he’s getting from everyone in the room and finishing with his things. He can feel the tension in the atmosphere and he sighs, trying to let it out of his shoulders.

He can’t deny that, either. But it catches him by surprise. No one ever says his name around him anymore, Ryan realized. And it’s not because they don’t talk about him because he’s sure they do. They just pretend it didn’t happen when Ryan is around, and Ryan likes to pretend that too around them because it got easier that way. It was better than seeing them all looking at him with pity in their eyes, treating him like he’s gonna break anytime soon. He couldn’t stand that. The name stings somewhere inside him, anyway, but Ryan has had enough of Elisa sessions to know how to deal with it. He pretends he didn’t hear that, swallows the hard beating of his heart and sighs, not looking at anyone when he talks.

“See you, guys. Have fun tonight,” he says as he gets his bag and walks towards the door, waving his hand and leaving with the feeling that his teammates are left behind talking about him. He decides not to think about it too much, but he knocks on Elisa’s door on his way out anyway and he leaves an hour later feeling a little less troubled about the whole thing.

*

He decides to go to the mall the next day because he has the morning off and a lot of workouts to do in the afternoon. He’s up at six anyway and he’s not going to be able to sleep anymore, so he just gets up and walks out of the room, ignoring the wall in front of him because he doesn’t feel like looking at it today. He walks the dogs, reads the paper, has breakfast and shower before he gets the car.

He spends the whole morning there, buys a couple of sweatpants and a new hoodie, a bunch of new books and a couple of toys to the beasts. He also buys a puzzle to play with Joanna next time she stays at his place and buys her a couple of ‘thinking games’ like he calls them. He loves seeing her trying to solve things and the satisfaction on her face when she finally does. He’ll give it to her next time he sees her. Ryan also sees a cute romper on a kid’s store window and he thinks about buying it to her, too, but he then decides to take a pic and send it to Cassie instead, asking if she likes it and if he can buy it for little Jo. Ryan doesn’t ask for permission when it comes to toys, but he feels weird buying her clothes.

Cassie answers him soon and she says of course, though, so Ryan forgets about being weird and buys the romper too, ending the morning with a lunch that barely makes him keep his diet as much as he can and a quick trip to the pharmacy. When he gets home the dogs greet him like he’s been out a whole year and he smiles softly as he walks through them with all the bags on his hands, putting their new toys out and throwing them somewhere on the floor so they go play and entertain themselves for a while. In the meantime and before he has to change his clothes and go to practice, he leaves the bags with Jo’s presents on the couch and the rest of them in his room. He’ll maybe ask Cassie if he can go to his place after practice if they don’t finish too late in the stadium.

He’s the first one arriving at practice and Bob greets him with a knowing smile. It’s not the first time. He’s half an hour early, so it’s normal there’s no one still there, just the coach. They talk for a while about the season and their goals and the strategy they have to follow. It makes Ryan feel good. He’s still an important part of the team, he knows that, but there are new guys. Young, strong and really good players stepping in the team. Ryan is okay with that, but he also knows how it is, he’s been there. He’s been eighteen and nineteen and twenty and he knows his body is not the same anymore, as much as it hurts to admit. He’s still Ryan Ross, though, he’s playing at his best, everyone tells him he’s on top and he’s doing awesome this season. But still, he feels the way the hours and the work are punishing his body, and how these guys are more resistant. He doesn’t feel envy, not exactly, more like nostalgia, so these moments with Bob when they talk and discuss and share hockey make him feel somehow closer to those golden years again.

He’s not giving up, anyway. He knows he still has a good few years ahead of him, even if someone else takes his throne. He never wanted it anyway, he just wants to play hockey, he always did. Ryan just wants to keep feeling the adrenaline, the beat of his heart inside his ears, the rush, the air hitting his face as he skates fast, the impact of the bodies and the walls and the ice. That’s what hockey was for him. It wasn’t a job or just sport, it was a lifestyle. He will worry when the time comes for it to end, but the young guys can take as much as they want in the meantime. They are just a reminder that he’s getting old, sometimes. But Ryan doesn’t want to think about that.

“One against one. Dinner,” Spencer says as he walks in and sees him sitting with Bob. Ryan smiles small and nods.

“You got it, it’s been a while since you cooked,” he says, putting his skates and protections on and going inside the rink.

“Who says you’re gonna win?” Spencer smiles dangerous, that smile that tells Ryan he’s got an as upon his sleeve and drives crazy most of the puck bunnies out there. How Linda manages to ignore all the insinuations he receives sometimes, he’ll never know. Ryan guesses knowing how much someone loves you has to be more than enough. It’d be for him.

They play for a while, getting a little rough until Bob threatens them with two matches of punishment if they hurt each other badly with their little games. They just fool around after that, and Spencer ends up winning, of course, making Ryan promise to cook something for him and not just order dinner. They finish when the guys are arriving, and Spencer and he come back to the bench to drink water and rest for a while before the real practice begins. They are doing really okay this season, and Ryan really feels they can get to finals this time, if they keep playing this well and working this hard, it’s very possible. Luck is there, though, good or bad, and the rest of the teams aren’t so away from them as they were a few years ago. This season is going to be tighter and tougher for everyone. That’s what makes it interesting. Ryan is really motivated about it.

Practice goes awesome and he feels really good about his job during it, and he’s so excited when they finish he almost forgets about his appointment with Patrick. It’s not a big deal, just a quick check, and Bob reminds him before he goes to the shower so he doesn’t leave without seeing him. Ryan checks his watch and sees it’s still early, though, so he can ask Cassie about going to his place to give little Jo her presents. He’s all eager about it. Sometimes he thinks he enjoys giving presents more than receiving them.

“Can I come in?” he asks after knocking on Cassie’s office door, sticking his head in. He knows she’s alone because all the guys are in the locker room, but he doesn’t want to interrupt if she’s working on something.

“Of course,” he hears the voice come through the door, and the moment he opens it Cassie smiles at him. “Everything good?”

“Yes. Just, I was thinking about stopping by your place to give the little one her presents,” he explains, smiling a little. “Can I go now or is it late? Like, I can go tomorrow if now is not cool. Or something. When do kids go to sleep?”

Cassie laughs and moves her head so he sits down at the desk in front of her.

“Ryan, how many times I need to tell you you can come home whenever you want? You’re always welcome home, honey.”

“Thanks,” he smiles. “Well, then. I gotta go home to get the things but. I’ll go in a few. What about you? Are you done here?”

“I need to finish some stuff, but yeah, I’m pretty much done,” she smiles and nods. “So I see you in a few minutes? Jo is gonna love your visit, you know it. She’ll probably try to get you to read her a bedtime story, I warn you.”

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Ryan says, and he means it. He really loves spending time with the little girl. He enjoys it more than he really thought he would. Kids were not his thing, but with Jo, he’s really learning to love them. Or maybe is just her. “Bedtime stories are my favorite,” he adds, smiling at Cassie. “I’m ready to go, but I can wait for you if you want. Or I’ll catch you later at your place.”

“No, it’s no problem. You need to go home anyway. I’ll see you there, okay?”

“Cool,” he nods, getting his things and walking towards the door. “See you later, then. I promise I just bought her a couple of things this time,” he laughs a little. Cassie raises her eyebrows and smiles.

“Okay, so I know of somebody who won’t sleep early tonight,” she laughs.

“Sorry,” he says as he leaves, but he’s really not. He loves spoiling Joanna and the huge smile he gets when he does. He gets a hug and a kiss sometimes, too, and that’s pretty awesome. What fascinates Ryan the most about Joanna is how she doesn’t need big things to be thankful. She enjoys the little things and she gets surprised with the simple ones, it’s almost fascinating.

When he gets home he’s glad as he sees the dogs like their new toys that much, because they weren’t exactly cheap. He promises them a good walk when he gets home, leaves his practice clothes in the washer and gets the bags with Joanna’s presents before leaving again, kissing them all goodbye one by one and getting in the car so fast the garage door is not totally closed yet.

He knocks on the door when he gets there, and he doesn’t know if Cassie is there already but Jon is, anyway, so it’s cool. He can hear the quick little steps approaching running and Jon’s voice laughing before the door opens.

“Hey, Rya-”

“Ryaaaaannn!!!” Joanna screams and jumps so she can hug him tight. Ryan drops the bag to catch her better, laughing.

“Heeey, little monkey!” he hugs her back and kisses her cheek a few times, making funny noises as he does and smiling at her. “How is my favorite girl in the whole world?”

“Mommy said you were coming for dinner! I was happy. I can show you things from school!”

“That’s awesome!” Ryan says, opening his eyes big and kissing her again. “Guess what?”

“What??” She asks totally excited, smiling hugely. Ryan can’t help but smile back, pointing at the bag next to him.

“I brought you something,” he says, lowering his voice as if he was telling a secret. “But! let’s get inside first. I have to say hello to dad and mom, right?” He winks at her, letting her go so he can look at Jon and shake his hand. “Hey, man.”

“Hi, I was feeling a little left out here,” Jon smiles and stretches Ryan’s hand. “Good to see you around here, man. You know how much this kiddo likes your visits. Also, you can keep her a few days too,” he jokes, and Joanna wrinkles her nose and sticks her tongue at him.

“You know I’d do it. If I had a normal job and didn’t spend more time on skates than walking,” he says as he walks inside. “It’s good to see you, too. Everything going alright?”

“The usual, you know. Anything more exciting than the life of a famous hockey player, right?” Jon jokes and punches him lightly on his shoulder. “Come on in, Cassie is fixing dinner. Or heating it up, to be honest,” he laughs. “I tried cooking something different tonight but it didn’t come out as expected.”

“Oh, man. I know that feeling,” he says, laughing a little and going to say hello to Cassie, again. “They’re making you work here, too? You have to change your husband, Cas,” he jokes, smiling at her.

“He gets enough work the whole day with the kid and the house,” Cassie smile and looks at Jon fondly, “the least I can do is help him a little when he tries to burn the kitchen down,” she laughs. “You’re staying for dinner, right?”

“Fair enough,” Ryan says, nodding and smiling small. “Okay. Yeah, I. Okay. Thanks.” He looks around then, looking for the little one and smiling bigger as he moves the bag on his hand. “Sooo, I have something for the smartest girl in the house. No offense, Cas,” he adds.

“None taken,” Cassie smiles and looks at Jo. “So what do you say, baby?”

“Thank you so much,” she girl smiles wide, showing all of her teeth, making grabby hands. “Gimme?” She says nicely and eager at the same time, making her parents laugh. Ryan laughs too and hands her the first one, choosing the clothes and leaving the toy for later. Joanna takes it and looks at it, moving it around to see it closer, then she walks to Cassie and gives it to her.

“It’s cute,” she says, but Ryan can see she was expecting something else. He fights the smile back and looks at Cassie for a moment, looking back at Jo again.

“Well… maaaaybe you’ll like this one better?” He hands her the other one. Jo’s face lights up immediately as she takes the toy in her hands and opens it quickly, smiling big and looking at Ryan again.

“I liked the romper too, okay?” She assures him, but she’s already on the floor checking the toy and every piece. “Thank you!” She says, but she’s not even looking at him now.

“You’re welcome, little one,” he says, smiling and looking at her for a moment before looking at Cassie. “I think that was the right size… But I forgot to ask,” he confesses.

“I think it’ll fit,” Cassie smiles, looking at the romper. “It’s big enough, I’m sure. Now let’s have dinner, I won’t reheat it again,” she jokes, moving her heat to Jon, so he quickly moves and gets Joanna up the floor, picking up the game and putting it away.

“Good,” he nods, following them to the table.He looks at Joanna while he walks and makes a funny face, trying to touch his own nose with the tip of his tongue. He doesn’t get it, of course, but he makes her laugh, so Ryan counts it as a victory. They have dinner and laugh and talk about work and about Jon, and Ryan tells Joanna her bedtime story with a smile on his face because he really, really love spending time with her.

*

Spencer and he go to have dinner after practice a few days later because, according to his best friend, ‘it’s almost impossible to get you out of your house these days’. Ryan doesn’t really need to go out, actually, but he rolls his eyes and accept the invitation because he will never hear the end of it if he doesn’t. It will be just dinner, anyway, they have to go to bed early. Spencer wants to tell him about a trip he’s planning to surprise Linda in a few months when they get three free days in a row. It doesn’t happen that often so he should get advantage of it. Ryan even thinks about doing something himself. Maybe. He’ll see.

They end up talking about the newest team, Vegas Knights, and the new players, and everything related to hockey because that’s them. They can’t control it. They talk about other things, too, like how Ginger is waiting for Ryan to come home someday since it’s been so long, or how Spencer suddenly remembered a few days ago he hasn’t seen the monkey lamp he got Ryan for his birthday years ago in a while.

“And, you know, your place could use a little of decoration,” he adds. Ryan shrugs. He doesn’t care about decoration, it’s just a house.

“I think it’s at home,” Ryan answers, drinking what’s left of his water. Spencer lifts an eyebrow at him.

“So what? You have it hidden somewhere? You know it is made for illuminating, right?” His friend mocks him.

“No. I mean, not in my house. Like,” he makes a gesture to explain himself, and he knows Spencer understand because he makes a face and rolls his eyes.

“And what the hell is it doing in there?” He shakes his head, looking at him with his big brother look all over his face. He does that a lot lately, and Ryan doesn’t really see the need this time. Like, he knows his house looks like it’s out of a catalog because it has stayed pretty much the same way it was when he bought it, but there’s no need of decoration, per se. It has vases and everything. A couple of paintings that Ryan couldn’t quite identify even if he has tried a few times since he moved in. It’s modern. And new. Maybe it lacks personality but Ryan doesn’t give a fuck about that. Spencer calls it impersonal. Ryan just shrugs, that place is just a house where he stays, so there’s no need to get personal with it.

When his friend is done lecturing him they talk about the new guys on the team and the old days when they were young and still new to the world of the NHL. They laugh and eat and have a really good evening that makes Ryan want to go out more often for a moment. It just lasts a couple of minutes, though.

As they are leaving the place to get back home, Ryan sees a couple having dinner a few tables away and for a moment he feels a weird turn in his stomach. He stares at them because he’s pretty sure who they are, but then the girl smiles and turns his head and Ryan realizes they are not who he thought they were. Amanda is more beautiful than that girl, or Ryan remembers her that way. He hasn’t seen her or Jacky since, well, since everything went down, and sometimes he kind of misses them. Even Jacky.

He misses the feeling of being part of a big family, the days talking and laughing, the music jams, the long conversations about living with your partner and wanting to kill them and kiss them at the same time. Ryan even misses being scared of what he did so Jacky wouldn’t think he wasn’t good enough. And Amanda’s kind words. She always had a few of those for him. They were good people, and Ryan sometimes feels sad about losing that.

“Man, you gonna stay there forever or what?” Spencer brings him back to the present, laughing and pulling on him. “Did you fall asleep standing?” He jokes, and Ryan shakes his head and laughs, calling him an asshole and coming back to reality. He takes a quick look at the couple before looking back at Spencer, starting to talk to him again about whatever thing that comes to his mind and walking out of the restaurant, leaving behind a few memories.

When he gets home, he takes a shower, prepares his things for the next day and gets ready to get into bed. He calls his dad and it goes straight to voicemail just like the last uncountable times he did. He leaves a message just like always, saying he just called to see how he was doing, wishing him a good day and saying goodbye. Ryan knows he’s never gonna call back, but he keeps doing it anyway. It has become part of his routine.

When he’s done, he gets in bed with his nightstand light on, grabs the first book he gets his hand on and opens his arm so Rat can snuggle with him a little, resting her head on his lap. Sometimes he reads out loud to her, but that night Rat is asleep before he can even begin, and he’s too tired anyway. He just reads a couple of pages before his eyes start to close, so he soon turns off the light and goes to sleep.

 


	2. Reality check

2.

Ryan wakes up, takes a shower and starts to prepare breakfast for himself like he does every day, fixing his cup of tea, cereals and fruit. It’s a routine. He gives a piece of fruit to the dogs, too, smiling when he sees them wiggling their tails and waiting around. He doesn’t like to spoil them a lot, but he does sometimes just because seeing them so happy makes him happy, too. He’s becoming a softie these days. Ryan doesn’t think about it too much.

He has to be at the stadium in a couple of hours so he still has time to walk the dogs around the place, go to their favorite park and play with them for a while. Hilda stays sitting next to him the whole time, though, she’s still recovering from her hurt paw, she’s actually perfect now, but she still seems to doubt it. Today Ryan has to go see Cassie after the practice, so he makes sure to fill the dogs’ bowls with water and food just in case he comes home late, so he doesn’t have to worry if he takes longer than usual.

He usually doesn’t, to be honest. He never was the master of the conversation but he’s even less talkative now. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate Cassie’s presence, or that he doesn’t want to talk to her. Not at all. Cassie is still pretty important to him, and Ryan knows she will always be, but they see each other a lot and sometimes the conversations just die. Or Ryan kills them, maybe. Who knows. He’d like to talk to Cassie more often, though. Sometimes he wishes he was brave enough to talk about the things he really wants to talk about, to ask and to speak about what’s in his mind. Or whom. But that would be weird, he thinks. Cassie is too involved and she probably doesn’t want to hear about it. Also, Ryan noticed how no one talks anymore about it, how they all tiptoe around the name if someone even says it. It’s in the past. There’s no need to talk about it, anyway.

Spencer and Tom are already waiting with their skates on when Ryan gets there, and he doesn’t take long before joining them on the ice, fooling around for a while before Bob is calling them and threatening Spencer with murdering him if he doesn’t take his warnings seriously. Practice goes as usual, the team is good, maybe not in their best moment, but good anyway. There are a lot of new players, young and eager to do things in the Hounds, but there are still a few of the old ones and they are not going to be forgotten that easily. Spencer is still the top scorer of the team and some people still think of Ryan as the best NHL defenseman. He hides more in the shadows now, though, as much as he can.

His nonexistent relationship with the press helps with that, and Ryan lives so much relaxed now. They wouldn’t have a lot to talk about him, anyway, given that he spends his whole days working or at home, but he likes not knowing anyway. He likes how he doesn’t have to give a press conference anytime he makes a decision or how he has to deal with them after every match, no matter if they win or lose. It’s a relief, even if it took a lot to convince the club about letting him doing so. Bob helped, and Ryan will always thank him for that. He doesn’t want to know about press ever again. No advertising contracts, no interviews, no nothing. He even said goodbye to his PR. Ryan is a press-phobic, as Z called him once.

The guys are already talking about having lunch after practice, and Ryan is happy he doesn’t have to say no just because he doesn’t feel like going. He needs his physiotherapy session, he has an excuse. He’s been really responsible about that, too, he’s giving his one hundred percent every day, and that involves obeying Bob in everything and doing, eating and practicing as much as the team needs to. No more, no less. He’s giving his life to hockey, even if he has to take a painkiller or two every now and then at night.

He knocks on the door when he’s freshly showered and ready for his session, opening the door slowly when he doesn’t hear Cassie telling him to come in. She’s behind her desk, typing something on the computer. The moment the doors opens, she looks up, smiling when she sees him.

“Ready for it?” She asks, standing up and walking to him. “We need to work on that arm, you’re doing an impressive work lately, but that means I need to do an impressive work too,” she jokes. “How are you feeling?”

“Good,” he says, smiling and walking towards the stretcher. “I’ve been taking some painkillers lately?” he wrinkles his nose because it sounds more like a question than a statement. “But I’m mostly fine, I feel good playing.”

“Yeah? Well, that’s good…” She says although she doesn’t sound too convinced. With a move of her head, she tells Ryan to get ready in position, opening the cabinets and getting every instrument she needs. “Maybe you'd like to check on Patrick about those painkillers?”

“It’s cool,” he says, getting ready. “It’s just my back. But they’re just painkillers, nothing too… odd. I mean, I’m not doping,” he jokes, laughing shortly. “It’s been just a few times, anyway. I must be tense or something. Nothing you can’t fix,” he smiles at her. He actually doesn’t know why he brought it up, he’s playing hockey, of course his body hurts sometimes. It’s not a big deal and he didn’t need to worry Cassie about it.

“I know you don’t need cheating to be the best,” she winks at him and smiles before she starts to work on his muscles, “but if it’s something new, you could tell him, just so he knows and he can recommend the most appropriate drug.”

“Okay. Will do,” he nods, relaxing right away as Cassie gets to work. It’s amazing how his body reacts to the massages, even if they’re just on his arm. “Got something to do this weekend?”

“Well, resting, first of all. Putting my hands on ice,” she jokes, or maybe not, she does a lot of work with her hands, so she probably needs to get them some rest too. “And Jon wanted to do something, since it’s not an everyday thing, us getting a free weekend. We’ll see if we can get a sitter. If not, we’ll probably do something PG.” She smiles. Ryan does, too, looking at her.

“I can be your sitter,” he offers. “I was thinking about spending some time with the little one, anyway. So it’s cool, you know it’s not a problem,” he says. And he means it, he loves staying with Joanna.

“Oh, well…” Cassie looks at him and looks away. It’s just a second, but something weird crosses her face. She takes her time to keep talking, and she smiles first when she does again. “That’s very nice of you, Ryan, but you should go do something yourself! It’s the weekend, go have fun!”

“I. Um,” Ryan makes a gesture, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t feel like doing anything. I like staying at home and. You know. Maybe a visit to the nearest bookstore or something. Nothing I can’t do with a kid, so. The offer is there if you want it,” he says.

“Well, it wouldn’t be one, it’d be two,” she laughs, kind of nervously, or maybe awkward. She averts her look again, staring at her own hands. “You know, we usually get the sitter for little Jo and, you know, also for Brendon’s kid? So. Yeah, I don’t think…” She laughs again, and now it really sounds forced and awkward. Out of place.

Ryan would notice, he really would, if he wasn’t stuck in her previous words. It’s not just that maybe it’s the first time Cassie says Brendon’s name in front of him since, like, three years ago (Ryan’s not going to pretend he’s not counting), it’s the thing she says. It’s the way Ryan can almost _feel_ his blood freeze inside his veins. He stares up at the ceiling, unable to move, the words repeating inside his mind over and over again. Brendon’s kid. Brendon has a kid. Brendon is a father. And Ryan is… not breathing, right now.

“Um,” it’s the only thing that comes out his mouth, and it really takes a lot of effort given that his mind is running everywhere like crazy. “B-Bre… A kid? A… kid,” he repeats, not saying his full name because he isn’t really thinking about what he’s saying.

“I thought, maybe you knew… But, yeah, of course, you wouldn’t… How, right?” Cassie just smiles this time, and she keeps working, she doesn’t stop for a second. “Yeah. A baby girl. She’s… I think eight months now.”

“Oh,” he says, barely a whisper. He blinks and swallows, letting the words sink in and trying not to feel like the world just turned upside down. It should be easy, it’s been three years now, he has worked on this. He got this, dammit. He is at peace now, so Brendon having a kid, having a new family with a perfect man and the perfect house and the perfect car shouldn’t be such a shock to him. Brendon deserves all those things, he really does, and it’s about time he got them, as much as Ryan is still stuck in time.

“Ryan,” Cassie calls him, and her voice shows it’s not the first time she says his name. She doesn’t sound awkward anymore, now she sounds worried, and it’s the first time she stops working and really looks at him, trying to look right into his eyes. “Ryan? Everything okay?”

“What?” Ryan jumps a little and looks at her, smiling and blinking a few times and coming back to life. A little. “Okay. Yes. Of course, I’m. Yeah. Okay,” he nods, breathing in deep but trying to pretend he’s being honest. Cassie doesn’t buy it, but she doesn’t say a thing. She just goes back to work and stops looking at him.

It doesn’t go away, though, that weird feeling in the air, and now it’s like Cassie moves differently and touches differently and works differently. Now there’s something in the room there wasn’t before, and it shows. If anyone walked the room right now, they could totally see it. Ryan gets lost in his own thoughts easily then.

“You know what?” Cassie speaks suddenly, so suddenly it’s like a thunder in the middle of the night, in the middle of the silent room. She moves away because it seems like she’s finished. “I was thinking, Cassie, you dumb girl, why didn’t you keep your mouth closed? I thought this was fixed but I was wrong, and I fucked up. But you know what? I didn’t fuck up, because if this isn’t fixed already, Ryan, if this isn’t over, this… taboo thing, then someone needed to bring it up.” She speaks fast like she’s getting that off her chest for years of holding it back. “It’s been three years, Ryan.”

“I know,” he says, not really looking at her until the words leave his mouth, sighing and shaking his head. “Believe me, I know,” he repeats, and his voice sounds weird in his own ears. “I didn’t. The taboo is not… I didn’t ask people to stop talking about him. It just happened.”

“It happened for a reason. It happened ‘cause you looked like someone had put a bullet in your guts every time anything close to a ‘B’ was pronounced. And I swear, honey, I swear I understand why it was hard. It was for all of us and we didn’t even… So I know, or I don’t, but I can understand. I could. Not anymore, though. It’s been long enough, Ryan. You, your brain, deserves to get over with it already.”

“I am,” he says, fast. He likes to do that, sometimes. Lying to himself. “I mean. I was just… surprised. That’s all. But I am over it. I, I keep going with my life, I keep. Um. Doing things. Like. I’ve moved on,” he says. And it sounds lame even to him. He’s kind of right, in some ways. He hasn’t been seeing Elisa for years just to be in the same place he was three years ago. He’s just… still working on it.

Cassie listens to him, she looks at him, but he doesn’t feel she’s really understanding him, or maybe she just doesn’t believe him at all. However, she just sighs and closes her eyes, nodding quickly before moving back to her desk.

“Okay, honey. I won’t… I’m not gonna say if that’s true or not, if you say you’re over it, then I’ll believe you. If you say you looked like a dead person for longer than a minute when I told you about his kid because it just took you by surprise, then I’ll believe you. I just want you to… I just want you to be okay. I want to see you happy, Ryan. For longer than the minutes after a won game.”

Ryan sighs and closes his eyes. He’s still lying on the stretcher because his limbs can’t move yet. He brings his hands to his face as he thinks about Cassie’s words because it’s harder to hear them out loud. He knows he’s not full of light and laughs, and he’s not fun to be around anymore. He knows he’s sorrow and kind of cold, dull. Ryan is not going to tell her he’s happy because he’s not. He’s not unhappy. He just is. Period.

“Look, I…” he starts, and suddenly all the words get in his throat at once, wanting to get out of there. “I don’t think I’m gonna… love someone like I love him ever again,” he confesses, low and quick, hoping the present tense goes unnoticeable. He looks down at his own hands. “That’s not. I mean, that doesn’t mean I’m not moving on. It’s just a fact. Knowing it and accepting it is part of it. I’m getting there. I just…” he swallows, biting his lip. “Happy is a concept I’m learning to understand again,” he says, and he laughs a little even if it doesn’t sound like a laugh at all. “I’m sorry I’m worrying you. I’m okay, I’m honest about that.”

“Okay,” she nods, and she sounds a little more understanding now. “I just… I’ll just say something, and I know it won’t mean anything ‘cause you already know it, but I need to say it. He’s just a person.” She says, looking into Ryan’s eyes as if that way he would get the meaning of her words clearer. “He’s my best friend, true, and I love him, but he’s just a person, Ryan. No less, no more.”

“Yeah…” he murmurs, looking back at her and smiling a little. “I wish he was just that,” he says, sitting up and rubbing his face again, this time trying to focus a little. “Look, I… I know this is not my business and I totally understand if you. Like. I’ve never asked before and I have no, um. Just,” he sighs, looking at her eyes. “Is he happy? I just wanna. I. Just need to know that.”

Cassie closes her eyes again, and when she sighs she seems really tired this time. She moves and opens her mouth to speak, but then she closes it, something changing in her face as she looks at Ryan. He can see her think, he can almost watch her brain work, and then, just like that, she takes out her phone and starts typing something, making a face and putting her phone down on the table when she’s over. She looks at Ryan then, right when Ryan’s phone rings in his bag.

“There. You can ask him for yourself.” She says. Ryan breathes in and closes his eyes, nodding.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, standing up and starting to get his things. He doesn’t look at his phone, he doesn’t even get it from the bag. He’ll face that later. Ryan just bites his lip and talks again when he has the bag on his shoulder. “How…,” he swallows, looking away and back at Cassie again. “How is she?”

“She?” Cassie frowns. “You mean the baby?”

Ryan nods, looking at her cautious. He doesn’t know if Cassie is not going to talk about her either, he just feels like he needs to know. He needs to know. He doesn’t know why, but he does. Cassie lowers her eyes, but she smiles, and she kind of shakes her head a little before looking up back at Ryan.

“She’s one of the smartest kids I’ve ever known. And of course she’s a little devil, but she smiles so big you don’t really mind, you know?” She laughs, twisting her mouth a little. “Also it’s funny how she looks so much like…” She stops right there like she was a record and someone had pressed the right button in the middle of the song. Ryan can guess the end of the song, though. Maybe if Cassie doesn’t want to say it is because she doesn’t look like Brendon, even if Ryan was already picturing her with his smile. As much as he can remember it, that’s it. He can’t help but smile, nodding slowly.

“Thanks. For telling me,” he says, looking at Cassie. “Do you. Um. You really think…?” he starts, laughing then when he feels stupid about it. “Nevermind. It was stupid. I just. I’m glad he’s good.”

“Don’t be like that, dumbass, just ask. Didn’t we say too much already? What does it matter a little bit more?” Cassie smiles.

“No, really. It’s not… I think I can answer myself. It’s okay,” he laughs, pulling on his shirt nervously. He doesn’t say anything else but he stays where he is. It’s like now that he has started he can’t stop, but he doesn’t know what to say anymore. He feels like Cassie is really tired of his situation with Brendon, and he can’t blame her, they put her through a lot being in the middle of everything, but she’s also the only one that understands him. He can talk about it with Tom, yeah, maybe even with Linda, if he asked to. But he’s not going to. Neither with Spencer. He gets furious if someone even mentions Brendon’s name. So the only person he’s talked about it all is Elisa, but that was professional, it’s different. Right now he kind of wants to tell Cassie everything that’s going on in his mind, but at the same time, he feels bad. So he just stays there, kind of petrified, torn between what he wants to do and what he has to do.

Cassie, however, doesn’t say anything else. She just looks at him and nods, like she understands or she’s trying to understand at least. She can’t know what’s going on inside his brain, so she just stays there, waits. Ryan feels the seconds pass by like he’s hearing them on a clock, and then without even knowing about it, he just sighs kind of loudly, leaving the bag on the floor and walking towards the stretcher again so he can lean against it.

“This is just…” he starts, shaking his head and looking at Cassie. He bites his lip. “Do you think he’d want to talk to me?”

This time she laughs, and it’s genuine like his question was really that funny. She almost looks embarrassed of how she’s just burst into laughing, covering her mouth with her hand and looking at Ryan once she can get ahold of herself. He wishes he could find it so funny, but he’s more confused than anything about her reaction.

“Is that an actual question?”

“Yes?” he says. “I mean. He… I did some things I’m not proud about. I’d understand if he, you know. It’s been a lot. Like, he has a new life and I’m not, we’re not, um. Yeah, it’s. Fine. Like…” Ryan makes a frustrated face, huffing and laughing at himself. He looks up at Cassie. “We haven’t talked in three years.”

“What are you planning on talking about?” She asks, but she stills have that funny smile on her face like she already knows what she plans to say no matter what Ryan answers. Ryan opens his eyes wide.

“I’m not. I mean. I just, _in case_ I would. But I don’t think I… Um,” he babbles, his heart beating faster just thinking about it. “It was just hypothetical, you know?”

“Well, unless you plan on, I don’t know, asking him to help you kidnap babies to sell them on the black market or something like that, I think you’re good. Like I said. A person. Not Zeus, Allah, and Buddha together.”      

“Now you’re making fun of me,” Ryan says, blushing a little. He doesn’t really mind, actually. It’s kind of ridiculous, in fact, he’d make fun of himself too if he was smart.

“Ryan, just get your damned phone, look at the address I sent you and do whatever you need to do. Or call him first. He has the same number, and we both know you haven’t deleted it.”

That makes him blush harder and look down at his own feet before the words sink in and he actually notices what Cassie said.

“Address? Did you just. _Address_?” he says, looking at her with his cheeks still red. “I’m not going to show up at his front door or anything… That would be weird,” he says, adding a little unsure. “Right?” he doesn’t wait for Cassie’s answer, though. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to act. I… fuck, I don’t even know if I’m. He has a _kid_! What do I have? A new house that I bought just to run away from my problems?” he sighs. “What am I gonna say? ‘Hey, how’s your new life? Mine is just the same, you know? Maybe more boring and empty since you aren’t in it, but hey, shit happens, right?’”

“Jesus Christ, Ryan,” Cassie blinks fast and shakes her head. “To be honest, now I’m kinda unsure if you should talk to him at all. Actually, I think you should go see Elisa again.”

Ryan looks at her and he thinks it must show on his face how his brain is working right now. It’s not like he was actually planning on talking to him, but now that Cassie said that, he’s certain about it. He just thought maybe it was time. Like, he can’t stop thinking about that kid since Cassie told him. He was just curious.

“What do you mean ‘again’? I shouldn’t do it, right?” he says, sighing again. “I know. It was stupid. Like, there’s no need to… You’re right.”

“Honey,” Cassie stands up again, and she takes a deep breath as he walks towards him. She stands right there, facing him like she’s thinking about the words to use before she speaks, and then she sighs. “Ryan, go home. Think about it when you’re… Well, when you manage to relax about the subject. And then do what you think you need to do. Okay?”

“Okay,” he breathes, looking at her and biting his lip. It hurts, so that means he maybe did it a lot these past minutes. “Okay. I just. I’m not crazy, okay? He is… Brendon,” he says, and his name sounds weird on his tongue. “Brendon.”

“He’s Brendon. And you’re Ryan. And I’m Cassie. I’m glad we didn’t skip that episode of Sesame Street,” she jokes, but she takes a step forward, puts her hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “Give it a rest, take a nap, you know. Let it sink. It’s just life, Ryan.”

Ryan sighs and nods, and he knows she’s right. He just knows he’s going to wake up from that nap and he still isn’t going to believe it. It’s just too much to think about at once because of course he knew Brendon was moving on, he even knew what he’s been up to these years, he has a book to prove it. But this is different. Way different. It’s not about jobs or new houses, it’s a reminder of everything he planned to have with him but he didn’t get to. And that’s a lot to deal with. What he wanted to have, everything, and what he does have.

“Thanks,” he says. Cassie just shakes her head again.

“Don’t thank me. There’s no need to.”

*

Ryan does think about it. A lot. He thinks about it for days, he even dreams about a hundred babies running around his house and over the counter and on the lamps. He looks at the address on his phone, several times, and then he feels stupid because he shouldn’t be doing this. It’s not a big deal. He didn’t even know why he’s considering getting in touch with Brendon again. He hasn’t thought about it before. Well, he did, but more in a let’s pretend life is perfect kind of way, not about _reality_. So yeah, he’s just really thinking about talking to him since Cassie told him. Since they had a conversation about him and they acted like he exists for the first time in years. Maybe it was that. Maybe Ryan was trying to pretend it didn’t happen. Trying to avoid confrontation like Elisa would say. That’s Ryan style, after all. He confronts his no life when it’s late and he’s alone in his room, in form of pictures.

So when he has thought about it and he has gone crazy while doing so, he decides. And just like the avoiding asshole he is, he decides to kid himself and pretend he’s changing his routine just because and not because he’s a coward. He starts to go around Brendon’s place. Not in a spying kind of way. More like, let’s see if we casually bump into each other kind of way.

It’s lame, he knows, but it’s the only way he has to do this without having a heart attack in the process. He actually doesn’t plan on talking to him. He just wants to see him again, he wants to remember his face, his smile and the way his eyes shine. He wants to have more than just pictures to know it happened. He just needs to see how life has made him better. Ryan knows it’s not okay to do so, that’s why he hasn’t told Elisa or Cassie he was doing it. It’s really easy, in fact, the place is not that far from his house and there are parks and all that, so he just have to walk the dogs in a new area. That way they don’t get bored easily. He does this for the dogs, clearly.

It’s not like he looks around like a maniac while he runs or plays with them, or like he almost falls trying to dodge a bike he didn’t see coming because he was distracted. He just makes sure he looks casual at the same time he watches everyone that comes and go because Brendon has to be somewhere, he _has_ to. Ryan just has to look close enough and see him without Brendon catching him. Easy.

That’s what he thought. And his plan was working just fine the first week except for the fact that he didn’t see Brendon anywhere. It takes an unexpected turn the next week, though, just as Ryan is walking down the street, looking at his pulsometer so he can keep an eye on his workout routine. He just finished his running for the day when the dogs pull on their lashes all at once out of the blue, barking like crazy. Ryan doesn’t have time to grab them harder and they slip off his hand, so the dogs just run away freely, still barking as Ryan looks at them horrorized. He has a moment of thinking ‘what the hell?!’ because his dogs have never done that, but then he realizes he has to do something about it and he just runs after them, screaming their names and apologizing to the people he passes by on the street. This last sprint wasn’t on his training day.

He speeds up when he sees them turn around the corner so he doesn’t lose them, and he’s so going to punish them for this, but then he stops abruptly when he almost bump into all of them at once where they are wiggling their tails like crazy, shoving each other aside to be first, throwing themselves at someone Ryan needs a minute to identify. He breathes as his eyes move up from the dogs to the stroller and, finally, to the man hiding behind all four dogs trying to fight them. Brendon.

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Easy comes, easy goes

 

 

Ryan has a whole minute that feels like a lifetime to think ‘shit, shit, shit’ before he gets attacked by one of the dogs. Just this one is not his. He knows that little ball of fur, though, the way it tries to jump on him, the way it tries to hump his legs, the way it tries to hump his dogs after realizing that leg is out of his league. It’s the same little thing that turned his home into chaos years ago, the same one that it’s named after a place that holds so many memories.

“Vegas, stop it!” Brendon laughs as he pulls at the leash, trying to get the dog to calm down a little while he keeps defending himself from the attack of the other ones. “Sorry. I’m sorry. He’s crazy.”

Ryan needs a minute or ten, he really does. He didn’t plan this. And now Brendon is right there, and he’s talking to him, and his voice, Jesus Christ, Ryan didn’t remember. And dammit, he’s so fucked right now. He needs to do something, like probably pull back his own dogs before they kill Brendon.

“No, it’s. Hey! stop, guys, come on. Calm down,” he says, grabbing the lashes again and pulling on them until they back off a little. At least they stop jumping on him. “S-sorry, they… Um. They never… Like. Just. Ran off,” he adds, and he really hopes it sounded better than he hears himself. His palms are sweating a little and he takes a deep breath before he dares to look up and look straight at Brendon’s face.

He’s fucking beautiful. It’s the first time Ryan looks at him since that last night three years ago and he doesn’t even look like the Brendon he was back then but, fuck, he’s just as beautiful. He’s even more, now. He is stunning. And Ryan feels like he loses his breath for a moment, the only thing he can hear is his heartbeat beating hard against his chest.

Brendon is looking at him like he’s scanning him, his face, his body, the dogs. He’s not subtle, but he never was anyway. And damn, Ryan kind of wishes he was wearing something that’s not sweatpants and an old hoodie. It doesn’t look cheeky, though, it’s more like he’s trying to recognize him, like he’s trying to match Ryan’s new image to Ryan’s memory.

“Hi,” Brendon says when the dogs have calmed down and there’s the need for something to fill the sudden silence. It’s warm, the way he talks, soft. Ryan has never heard him talk like that ever before. He sounds mature, the kind of voice to fit his composed look, his black coat, his well-combed hair, and his slightly rosy cheeks because of the cold wind. He sounds different, but then he smiles, and well, he hasn’t changed at all.

“H-hi,” Ryan answers, and the day seems a little brighter now as he stares at Brendon’s face, letting the details sink in his memory, filling in the blurred images of the past. He looks so… good, Ryan doesn’t think he ever imagined this moment like this. Brendon always manages to exceed his expectations. He really wants to look down at the stroller right now, but he seems unable to look away from Brendon’s smile, smiling back before he knows he’s doing it.

Brendon doesn’t say anything else for a minute, maybe longer, and then he lets out a snort, laughing and looking down while he bites his bottom lip. He looks up back at Ryan with his head still down and a sideways smile. It’s like he’s waiting for something. If it’s from Ryan or from himself, Ryan can’t know.

“It’s been long, huh? What are you doing around here?” Brendon asks when he’s done waiting.

“I, um. I was, like, running? I mean. Not after the dogs, although well, technically I was. But like, more like in a, um.” This is going so bad. Ryan stops and clears his throat, laughing a little. “I was working out. Running, and I brought the dogs with me, you know? But they decided to go for a run by themselves,” he adds, laughing nervously again. 

“You come here often? I’ve never seen you before,” Brendon asks again. It looks like he’s decided to know more than he should. Ryan can feel his blood traveling up his cheeks and he touches his hair nervously.

“I. I’ve actually been coming here for a week or so, yeah. Change of air, you know? That way they don’t get bored and everything and, yeah. This looked like a good place. Cute,” he says, moving his hand around to point somewhere around, he doesn’t even know anymore. 

“It’s a nice place, yeah. I know it pretty well, I come here every afternoon, take the kids for a nice walk,” he smiles moving his head and looking to the side. “Just a block away there’s a really beautiful park, maybe you’ve seen it.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ve…” he stops talking when he looks down at the stroller and he sees the little baby sleeping peacefully. Ryan forgets whatever he planned on saying after that because he can’t think of anything as he looks at the beautiful kid. He doesn’t think he has ever seen a baby so gorgeous before, with her little nose and her soft looking skin. Brendon notices because he must be blind not to, and he pushes the hood of the stroller down, letting Ryan take a better look.

“She always falls asleep if there’s nothing fun around. She will bring the party home this night, I’m sure. Thank God I can work in the evenings,” he jokes, looking at the kid and then at Ryan. He laughs because it seems like a good moment to laugh, but he doesn’t look away for a moment. He thinks the right words are that he has fallen in love with the baby, but he feels weird when he thinks about it.

“She’s… She’s beautiful, Bren,” he says, and this time he does look up. He can feel himself blushing again, but he doesn’t think he’s going to stop anytime soon, anyway. “So. Your baby girl, huh?”

“My baby girl,” Brendon smiles wide, and there’s something, something pure and amazing that shows on his face, like absolute wonder, like that little person makes him the happiest man on earth just by existing. Brendon looks at the kid again and bends over to pick her up carefully, but waking her up anyway. “And before you say anything, I’m her dad, I can wake her up whenever I want the same she does with me, okay?” He jokes, holding the baby on his hip with just an arm, a dad skill for sure, wiping something off her chubby cheeks as she opens her big eyes and starts looking around before she puts her look on Ryan. “Prettiest thing on earth, this girl.”

Ryan laughs a little, and this time it’s genuine, not because he’s nervous. But he stops just as the baby girl looks right at him, keeping his smile on and agreeing with Brendon because, well, he is so right.

“She has your eyes,” he says, and that’s not exactly what he had in mind when he opened his mouth to talk. He blushes hard, but maybe if he ignores it Brendon doesn’t notice. “Hi, princess,” he greets her, and something tightens inside his chest seeing the way Brendon looks at her, the way her eager, bright eyes look around this world full of color and curious things.

“Who is that? Huh?” Brendon asks the girl as he points to Ryan. “Yeah, you know him! You know who the boy is, don’t you? He’s 89 Ross. Ryan Ross! She doesn’t know you without your jersey on,” Brendon jokes and laughs, looking at Ryan. “You should sign a picture for her, so she has an autograph for her celebrity crush.”

“Her… She watches the games?” Ryan asks, totally puzzled, his smile opening wide on his face. “She, she knows me?”

“Oh, you can bet on it, she loves hockey. And, of course, I got myself a Hounds fan, how surprising,” Brendon jokes, shaking his head. “I don’t know if it’s the colors or what, but she gets crazy every time your team plays, and, well…” He makes a face, looking at the girl. “Of course she has a favorite player. Every time you come to the rink she flaps her arms so hard I’m afraid someday she’s gonna start flying.”

Ryan laughs, and he’s even surprised by the sound of it because he doesn’t think he has laughed like that in a while. It’s a pleasant laugh, a full one, because somehow being the favorite player of this little baby he just met is the most incredible thing right now. He feels his chest full and his limbs tingle. Ryan feels happy in this moment.

“That’s… Wow,” he says, smiling big at the princess. He reaches out without thinking about it, and it doesn’t occur to him that maybe he’s not allowed until he’s touching her little hand, caressing the small fingers between his own. “You’re the best of my fans, then. The prettiest one, too, I have to say.” She looks at him for a second, then at his hand right before grabbing it hard and pulling up to take it to her mouth. Brendon laughs, using some good reflexes to put his own hand between the baby’s mouth and Ryan’s hand.

“Careful, she’s strong too,” Brendon laughs, trying to release Ryan’s hand from the baby’s grip. “She’s in that phase. Everything is tasty, or so I think. I’ve caught her trying to eat Vegas fur, so...”

“Oh,” Ryan laughs again, looking at Brendon. “Such an adventure, right?” he says, biting his lip when the next thought comes to his mind. “Y-you and, um. Your… Your partner. Must be really entertained with her,” he adds, smooth enough. He doesn’t know why he asks, maybe because it’s better if he breaks his own heart right now than waiting for it until later. He’s already attached to the little baby and he just met her, for god’s sake.

“Well, while we’re pretty close, I wouldn’t consider Vegas my partner, you know? He doesn’t pay rent or anything. He’s a freeloader,” Brendon laughs, looking at the dog, and then at the baby again. He doesn’t look at Ryan when he speaks again. “It’s just baby and daddy for now, the only humans home.”

“Oh. Oh, that’s,” Ryan nods and something loosens up in his chest, as if that changed anything or something. He just feels the relief anyway. “Cool. I mean, um, like, not that you’re alone. I meant that it’s good, too. Being alone. One doesn’t need someone to be, like, good and everything and. I just thought, you know, with the baby,” he babbles, looking everywhere but avoiding Brendon's eyes. “Stereotypes, right? Um. That’s. Really brave.”

“Brave? Why?” Brendon frowns a little, but he keeps smiling. “We’re not alone, right, honey? We have Vegas, and aunt Cassie, uncle Jon, uncle Jacky, aunt Amanda. We’re pretty good.” He looks at Ryan again, his smile getting warmer, and maybe a bit fun. “Also don’t worry about assumptions. At least you didn’t ask me about my lucky wife,” he laughs.

“I-I didn’t. I’m sorry if I said something… I know you’re not alone, I. Um,” he rushes to explain, shutting up when he feels he’s making everything worse. He should think before talking. “I can see you’re really good. I’m glad.”

“Thanks,” Brendon nods, shifting his weight from one foot to another, readjusting the baby on his hip too. “What about you? You good too?” He asks, but then he looks around, looks at the dogs and at Ryan’s clothes. “Oh shit. Ah. Bad word. Da...ng it. I’m holding you back, you were running and I bet you’ve lost your… whatever you use that thing for.” He points at Ryan’s pulsometer. “I’m really sorry, sometimes I start talking and I lose track of time.”

“Oh, no. It’s cool. It’s. I finished anyway, I wasn’t running anymore until they made me to, actually,” he laughs. “I’m. I’m fine. You know, the usual. Hockey and training and working out and more hockey.”

“No kids?” Brendon jokes, or at least he laughs while asking it. Ryan almost chokes on his own tongue.

“No. No, I’m…,” he laughs, shaking his head. “Hockey takes a lot of time. And also, these four beasts do too,” he jokes. “Am I holding you back? I’m sorry. You can, like, keep going, it’s cool. Were you going somewhere?”

“I was heading home,” Brendon says, and for a second he looks like he’s going to say something else, but he doesn’t. He just looks at the girl in his arms and then at Ryan. And something changes again on his face. “Wanna hold her?”

“Oh. Um. I… Will she be okay?” he asks, nervous again. He wants to. He really does, but he’s not going to if the baby doesn’t like strangers. He doesn’t know what he’d do if she cries.

“You can always giver her back if she does,” Brendon answers, and he takes a step closer. “Come on, wouldn’t you have wanted your idol to hold you when you were a kid? Just… careful with your face, she’ll probably try to caress you a little hard.”

Ryan laughs again but nods, swallowing and murmuring ‘okay’ before he reaches out for her. The baby opens her arms ready, like Ryan has been doing this all his life, or all her life at least. She smiles wide and lets out some high pitched screams and babbles, touching Ryan’s face and especially Ryan’s hair, mumbling impossible words with a lot of vowel and some made up consonants. Ryan can feel his smile spreading wide on his face, grabbing her little body carefully and laughing a little. He feels all warm and content, unable to stop smiling.

“Hey, there, little one,” he says, watching her closely, her round face. She looks familiar somehow, like her face and her cheeks, her skin. Ryan doesn’t know what it is. She’s so adorable, though, he’s sure he’s all heart eyes right now. “You good? We friends?”

“She likes you,” Brendon smiles, and then he laughs, “but she pretty much likes everybody, so…”

“Oh, well. Then I’m glad I’m not an exception,” Ryan laughs, playing with her hand a little before looking at Brendon. “You were heading home. I should probably let you go, sorry,” he adds, but he doesn’t make a move to give the baby back.

“I should give her a bottle in, like... “ Brendon takes out his phone, looking at it. “Fifteen minutes top. My house is not far from here, though…” And when he looks at Ryan this time, he chews on his bottom lip, like Ryan has seen him do a hundred times when he’s thinking fast or too many things at once. “You wanna walk with me?” Brendon finally asks, and he looks at Ryan like he’s trying to know the answer before Ryan even speaks.

“Yeah. Yes, okay,” he says, because he’s not ready to let him go yet. He feels anxious thinking about it. He needs a little more of time, to hear him more and watching him longer. It sounds crazy, he knows, but now he has Brendon right in front of him he’s afraid he’s never going to see him again. “Let’s walk.”

Brendon just smiles and nods, and he takes maybe two steps forward before he stops again and looks at Ryan, then at the baby.

“You maybe want to put her back in her stroller,” he laughs. “She gets heavy after a while, and… well, walking the dogs and everything. Just, we’re never too careful, right?” He says, making a face and then smiling again. “You can always push the stroller, if you want to feel the full daddy experience,” he jokes.

“Oh, right, sure. There,” he gets the baby back on the stroller, smiling at her before making a funny face to see if he can make her laugh. “You push the stroller, it’s cool,” he laughs. Brendon makes a face and nods.

“Of course,” he says, looking back at the front and starting to walk again. Ryan walks with him, looking at his face sideways as if Brendon is going to disappear anytime soon, evaporating just like that. He stays silent for a while, just hearing his own heart and his thought running wild.

“So. You live around here,” he says after a few minutes. Brendon nods, using his hand to point out the way.

“Just a few blocks away in that direction. It’s a nice neighborhood, also there are a few good schools nearby. Not the very best, but you know. I’m investing my savings in her so she can go to a nice college and be successful, so she can buy me a house in Miami,” he jokes, looking at the baby. “You’re gonna retire daddy, right, baby?”

“That’s good,” Ryan smiles, looking at the baby and Brendon. “It looks nice, yeah. A good place to live.”

“It’s quiet, nice surroundings…” Brendon shrugs. “I was joking, by the way. I don’t intend to be a leech to my own daughter.” He laughs. Ryan looks at him, smiling warmly.

“I know you wouldn’t,” he says. He swallows then because something weird twists in his stomach, and he looks down at his own feet, seeing Rat walking as close as she can to Brendon. “She missed you like crazy.”

Brendon looks startled for a second, like he doesn’t know what Ryan means, then he follows his eyes and sees the dog. He doesn’t stop looking at her, not serious but not really smiling either, until he’s forced to look back up when they need to cross a road. It doesn’t take too much time before he speaks, but the silence feels heavy while they don’t talk. Brendon looks like he struggling to find the right words, or maybe the right way.

“I missed her too,” he finally says, but he doesn’t look at Ryan or even the dog, he just looks straight ahead. Ryan doesn’t know what is it, but he knows he said something he shouldn’t have, so he doesn’t talk about it anymore. It feels weird, not knowing what to say. He’s never been like this around Brendon, not even when they first met. It was awkward those first times, but just because they didn’t seem to get each other a lot. It ended when they finally did, and Ryan doesn’t remember a moment he’s felt this unsure around him. 

“Everything okay?” he asks just because he can’t stand the silence, but he doesn’t really know what he’s asking about.

“What do you mean?” Brendon asks, looking at him and raising an eyebrow.

“I’m… not sure, actually,” Ryan says, laughing a little and looking at him nervously. “You’re quiet.”

Brendon laughs, making a face, but he doesn’t stop walking, not too fast, though. He just keeps his walking pace.

“You’re quiet too. Is everything okay with you?” He asks back, and he uses a mocking tone that may be a little defensive too.

“Touché,” Ryan says, laughing softly and looking at him closely. “It’s been a long time, right?”

“Too long…” Brendon nods, taking a deep breath and smiling when he lets it out. “It’s weird, cause these years I’ve only seen you on TV, so I’m torn between seeing you as someone who was in my life and seeing you as some kind of celebrity.”

Ryan doesn’t like the options. He tries to smile and looks down, nodding because he understands, he really does. He only wishes those weren’t the two things he is to Brendon now. But that’s really it. Nothing can change that.

“If I have to choose, I’d prefer you not to see me as a celebrity,” he says, still not looking at him. “You never did. And that’s weird,” he adds, trying to laugh it off. “I understand, though. I get it.”

“How do you see me?” Brendon asks then, slowing his pace, looking at Ryan closely. Ryan swallows because he doesn’t know if he wants to answer that. He didn’t expect the question and he has no time to think about a proper answer. And he’s still bad as fuck at lying.

“I… Um,” he starts, sighing. “As a really important person that changed my life. Well, changed me. One whom I owe a lot to,” he says, shrugging. Brendon keeps looking at him for a few seconds before he looks away. He doesn’t say anything else, he just returns to his normal pace.

“My house is just around the corner,” he says after a while, waiting a few seconds before he smiles, looking at Ryan only then. “You gonna walk me to my door, like a teenage date?”

Ryan laughs a little, looking at him between the locks of his hair falling on his face. He considers answering yes because well, he would. But maybe he’s pushing too much for a first encounter. Maybe Brendon needs to just say goodbye now. He doesn’t really know, he can hear Elisa inside his mind telling him not to assume things. 

“I could, if you want to,” he says then. “But it’s okay if you don’t.”

“And that’s a fancy way of telling me to answer the question myself, right?” Brendon laughs, shaking his head. “I thought I asked you the question. Maybe, I don’t know, it was because I wanted your answer. It’s just a thought.”

“Well, I want to,” Ryan says, and he makes a face when he hears himself, wrinkling his nose. He really needs to learn how to use words. “I mean, I thought about doing it, yeah.”

“Then do it,” Brendon answers, keeping up walking. “It wasn’t that difficult, huh?”

Ryan laughs again, looking down and keeping Brendon’s pace. It wasn’t, he just feels like he’s saying too much given that Brendon was clear about him being someone who was part of his life once. He’s starting to overthink things and he really should stop right now before he gets paranoid. He sighs, swallowing before talking.

“C-can I… see you again some time?” he asks, and then he laughs again when he realizes what he said. “Okay, now I’m a real teenage date.”

“I was gonna offer you some freshly made coffee,” Brendon laughs, “but I guess we can leave that for the next time, since you’re already saying goodbye.” He stops in front of a nice iron fence, with pretty flowers from the garden rolled up around the bars. “Of course we can meet again, Ryan. It’s no problem. I bet we have a lot to catch up with each other.”

“I’m not. Saying goodbye, I mean,” he says, looking at him with his heart beating faster again. “I just needed to ask. That’s all. So, if the offer still stands…”

“Come on in,” Brendon says with a move of his head, opening the fence and walking in. “And I apologize because of the mess. I have a kid. And, well, that’s mostly my excuse for not doing the house chores on time,” he laughs, walking down to the doorstep and getting the keys to open the door.

“It’s okay. I understand,” Ryan says, rubbing his hands together. “Um. Do I leave the dogs outside or…? They can get a little overexcited.”

“The backyard. There are Vega’s toys and room enough to play all of them together.” Brendon says, getting in the house and taking the baby out of the stroller to put it aside, getting her to the living room and putting her on a baby mat with toys and the like. It’s funny how Brendon apologized for the mess when his house is probably one of the tidiest house Ryan has seen. There are only a few toys lying around, but the rest is perfect.  “Can you get them to the backyard? I need to fix her bottle.”

“Of course,” Ryan says, getting all the dogs through the door leading to the backyard, he guesses. He takes a look all around the house, seeing Brendon’s new home. It looks comfy and lived in. So different from his house. “You’ve been living here a long time?” He asks as he comes back.

“I moved in when I started looking for her,” Brendon says, walking back to the living room with the baby’s bottle in his hand, leaving it on the coffee table and taking the baby in his arms again, sitting on the couch. “More than a year. Maybe a year and a half, not two, though. It was when I had my first paycheck for the book. Can you hand me the bottle, please?”

“Yeah, sure,” he says, grabbing the bottle and giving it to Brendon. “It’s nice.”

“I like it. That’s why I bought it,” Brendon laughs, moving the baby on his lap to the perfect position before starting to feed her. Ryan watches him closely, studying every movement. “You can sit down too, you know? I don’t intend to make you drink coffee standing up.”

“Oh, right,” he laughs, sitting next to him. He manages to be more awkward as the minutes go by. Impressive. He thinks he’s never going to be normal around Brendon again. 

For as long as Brendon takes to feed the baby, it’s like time stops. Brendon doesn’t talk again, like he’s too focused on making his baby drink the right way, moving the bottle up, up, up, changing the angle so there’s always milk filling the bottle’s nipple. The baby, who was all cheerful, looking around, moving, exploring her surroundings, stops all the way except for her eyes, still wide brown looking everything around her, stopping on Ryan a few times. He watches the scene mesmerized, smiling at the little one every time she looks at him, staring at Brendon once or twice when he thinks Brendon’s not noticing. He feels his chest tightening again, and maybe he’s exposing himself to too much for him to handle it well, but he can’t help it. 

“You look like a natural,” he says softly, talking in a low voice because the atmosphere seems to need the quietness. 

“Eight months of practice,” Brendon smiles, looking at him for a second. “But I still need more, cause I still let her get too much air inside. I know how to get it out, though,” he adds, and he puts the bottle down by his side on the couch, moving the baby and putting her chest over his, her head on his shoulder, tapping lightly her back and rocking up and down until the baby burps. “See? Now we’re done.”

Ryan smiles and nods, looking at her with soft eyes. He can see now that he was right back when he thought about this. Brendon is a great father, he can tell. Not just because he knows how to feed her or how to make her burp. It’s in the way he looks at her, the way he touches his daughter and talks about her. Ryan can see it in every movement he does towards her, and it’s amazing seeing something like that. Like he’s witnessing something out of this world, he just can’t look away. And deep inside, right where he should get some time to work on it, it’s that twist in his guts telling him how bad he wants to be part of this. He can’t, though, and he did work on that part, so he just looks at the happy family with resignation.

“She’s so gorgeous,” he says, touching her feet softly. “And smart. I can tell. She’ll do great things, right princess? Gonna rule the world,” he says to her.

“She already rules mine, so I think it’s a pretty good start,” Brendon smiles, looking at Ryan for a second before he stands up. “I’ll leave her in her cradle, she’s about to take a nap. I’ll fix the coffee right away, okay?”

“Yeah, cool. Do you need some help?” He offers. He needs to keep himself busy. Brendon just shakes his head while he moves to put the girl down carefully.

“It’ll be just a minute. You can keep a look on her, but as you can see, she’s falling pretty quickly,” he smiles before he stands up and goes to the kitchen. 

Ryan nods and walks toward the cradle, smiling soft and crouching down to look at her closely. He murmurs a few things to her, trying not to bother her a lot so she can fall asleep anyway but telling her how beautiful she is and how good she is and how happy she makes her dad. He touches her hair softly over and over again, seeing her huge eyes falling shut heavy with sleep, talking to her until she’s all relaxed and calm, sleeping. Ryan sighs. 

“You should get one yourself,” he hears Brendon say behind him. He’s carrying a tray with two cups of coffee and a few muffins too. “I know you have a diet to follow, but I don’t, so I can eat your muffin,” he says, frowning after it, making a face. “That sounded unnecessarily sexual. It wasn’t my intention.”

Ryan laughs and stands up, going back to the couch and thanking him for the coffee.

“You mean I should get a cradle? I sleep just fine, but I’ll keep it in mind when my sleeping hours are in danger,” he jokes.

“A baby. I meant you should get a baby. They’re more expensive than a cradle, but they’re more fun to make,” Brendon laughs too. “Try the coffee, I think I remember how you liked it, but my memory is shit lately, so who knows.”

Ryan does try the coffee, mostly because he doesn’t know what to say to the baby thing. He wishes he could get a baby just like that, but he’s not going to do it alone. Mostly because he never thought about being a father until, well, until Brendon. And he doesn’t know if he could really do it by himself. He’s not going to say that, though, he already said a lot for one day.

“It’s good. You remember,” he smiles, looking at him kind of surprised. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” Brendon waves his hand and takes his own cup. “I’m used to doing everything home now, you know? Homemade coffee, homemade meals. I’m a better cook than I was, now I can make so much more than mac&cheese,” Brendon jokes. Ryan smiles at him, laughing a little.

“We’re getting old,” he says, drinking coffee. “This might be surprising but I’m actually a better cook now, too,” he laughs, letting out a bit of tension. He’s starting to feel more relaxed now, it’s nice being able to really enjoy Brendon’s presence and not worrying about everything. 

“Hey! I’m not old!” Brendon laughs, shaking his head and speaking again with a dignified tone. “I’m mature,” he says, and then he burst out laughing again. Ryan looks at him a little hypnotized because, Jesus, he thought he remembered his laugh but he really didn’t. He smiles, too, looking down when he realizes he’s staring too much.

“Sure. Mature,” he jokes, trying to mock him a little.

“I am mature. I look mature, at least, and you know… fake it till you make it,” Brendon adds with a smug smile, winking at him before taking a sip of his coffee. Ryan chokes on his coffee, laughing a little when he finally swallows.

“You are mature. And old,” he jokes. “It’s cool. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Oh, I’m sure you won’t. You wouldn’t want to because, well… If I’m old, you know what that says about you,” he says all smart-ass, then he makes a serious face, looking at him straight in the eyes. “Also I have methods to keep your mouth shut.”

Ryan feels his blush again and dammit, he made it without blushing for a while until now, fucking Brendon. 

“I am old. I’m over it,” he says, laughing short and looking away from Brendon’s eyes because he’s making him nervous again. “Embrace it.”

“I’m not old, I can’t. I’m a five-year-old at heart and I’ll always be,” Brendon says, and then he laughs. “At heart, not ‘at body’ luckily. Although… Nevermind,” he says, shaking his head.

“I’m not gonna ask,” Ryan says, laughing and sipping his coffee before looking at him again. “But you’re right. You’re five, it’s all over your eyes,” he says, pointing at Brendon’s face.

“I am, so I can only take care of her until she tops my own age. That’s why I’m teaching her so many things, cause the moment she’s six she’ll have to take care of me,” he jokes. Ryan laughs, looking at the little girl for a moment before turning back to Brendon.

“That’s what makes you an awesome father, you know? Being a child yourself,” he smiles. “I’m sure she doesn’t get bored with you.”

“Oh, thank you,” Brendon says, and he smiles warmer now, getting a bit of color on his cheeks, like he didn’t expect the compliment. “I do my best. And, well, I do entertain her, that’s for sure. At least I know I can do that well enough.”

“I’m sure you do it better than just ‘well enough’,” he says. And really, he just saw Brendon with the baby for like an hour, but he truly believes what he’s saying. He doesn’t need to see more, he knows Brendon. Or he wants to think he does.

“I try. Being a dad is not a science, you know? I learn a little bit more every day, and that’s what I want. The moment I stop learning that’s when I’ll get worried.”

Ryan smiles and has a moment of thinking ‘shit, don’t do this to me’ because come on. He’s just a man. He stops the thought right there, though, he’ll have time later to go crazy about everything that’s happening. 

“That’s… yeah, that’s good,” he says, unable to look away from Brendon. For a few seconds, Brendon looks back at him too, holding his stare before he looks down to his cup of coffee, drinking when he takes it to his mouth.

“You haven’t changed too much, you know? I think your hair… Or maybe I’m used to watching it damp wet when you take off your helmet so I thought it was shorter,” Brendon comments casually, taking one of the muffins and biting into it. “It looks good on you. It always… Yeah, long hair looks good on you.”

“Oh. T-Thanks,” he says, letting out a short, breathy laugh. “I’m too lazy to cut it, actually. I also get a ponytail sometimes. To play, I mean. So that, that way I don’t, it doesn’t get in the way. And everything,” he babbles. He’s still adjusting to the compliment.

“Lazy?” Brendon laughs, “With the season you’re making I can understand you’re tired, but you sure as hell don’t seem lazy to me.”

Ryan laughs again, and he’s used to receiving that kind of comments, he knows he’s doing his best this season, but he feels uncomfortable anyway. He’s just doing what he loves to do.

“Thanks,” he says. “I’m just doing my best. Or trying, at least.”

“That’s my line, don’t steal it,” Brendon jokes, shaking his head. “You’re doing amazing. I can see you’re getting great things in life. And that’s good. I’m glad you do.”

“Yeah, well. It’s just hockey, anyway,” he says, finishing his coffee and leaving the cup on the table. “I mean, given that it’s the only thing I’m doing I better do it as well as I can,” he laughs.

“You mean better than any other human being,” Brendon corrects him with a smile, but then he looks closer at Ryan, frowning a bit. “You should be prouder of it, you know? You talk about it like it’s an everyday thing. If what you do is ‘just hockey anyway’, then what are we, the rest of the mere mortals?”

“You’re a dad,” he says, smiling softly. “That’s a better reason to be proud. Mostly if you’re better than any human being at it,” he says, using his own words and looking at him while doing it.

“You don’t know that, you’ve only seen me as a dad for not even a couple hours. I’ve been watching you play for years,” Brendon answers, smiling too. “Don’t try to turn it around, I was paying you a compliment. Just accept it, it’s not that hard.”

Ryan laughs, touching his hair and clearing his throat before sighing. 

“Okay. Thanks,” he says, looking at him again, smiling.

“That’s better,” Brendon smiles too, looking at Ryan for a second before he looks down at his now empty mug, then at the tray. “I see you weren’t a big fan of the muffins, huh?” He jokes, looking at the dessert on the tray. Ryan throws him a dirty look.

“Don’t tempt me, come on. It’s already hard enough seeing them right there and not being able to touch them,” he laughs, and then he laughs in his mind too because those words represent more than just the muffins right now.

“Sorry,” Brendon says, and he laughs a little but he moves to stand up too, putting the cups back on the tray and taking it to the kitchen. “Next time I’ll have some… like, protein bars or something like that, cool?” He jokes from afar. Ryan laughs again.

“Thank you, anyway. I’m sorry if it was rude, not eating them,” he says, looking around the place again. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for, he guesses he’s just being curious. 

“Don’t be stupid, there’s no need for those formalities here,” Brendon says, going back to the living room and walking a little slower, like he’s hesitant for something, before he sits back. “So. It was nice, you know.”

“Yeah. I, I’m really glad I bumped into you,” he says, smiling. “Or well, the dogs did.”

“I’m surprised they still remember me,” Brendon laughs a little. “It was nice seeing them again too.”

“Of course they do,” he says, smiling. “They are happy to see you, too. As you could see. I thought they were gonna kill you,” he adds. Brendon shakes his head and laughs.

“I’m stronger than four crazy dogs.”

Ryan smiles at him, and for a moment he just stays there looking at him because he wants to keep the details in his memory, just in case. Brendon doesn’t look that different, either, just more calm, mature, like he said. He looks simply gorgeous anyway, bright and full of life. Ryan is glad he got to see him like this again, he had enough of Brendon full of sorrow in his nightmares for months.

“You look good, too. Like, you look mature,” he jokes, laughing a little. “No, really. I can see you’re good. I’m glad.”

“I guess… we both are better now,” Brendon says, twisting his lips into a smile. “Like a good wine, only getting better as time passes.”

“Good, old wine,” he jokes. “How is it like? The dad life,” he asks, really curious about it.

“Well, it’s actually difficult to explain cause…” Brendon laughs, tilting his head, thinking. “It’s like every day is the same but also completely new and different and… scary,” he laughs. “And I usually end up falling asleep like a log when I reach the bed cause I’m exhausted. But also, I have so much fun and she surprises me every day, with every little thing. It’s… well, it’s not being one anymore.”

“I see,” Ryan listens to him, smiling the whole time. “An adventure, I guess. It is for me when I babysit Joanna and it’s just a couple of days a month. I can’t imagine being a dad.”

“You stay with her a couple of days a month?” Brendon laughs and frowns at the same time. “That’s almost as many days you’re free. Is it vocational or something, you found your new passion, babysitting kids?” He asks with a smile. Ryan laughs a little, shrugging.

“I just like spending time with her. It’s not like I have a lot to do anyway, so. I try to do something fun with her when I’m free,” he explains, smiling. “She’s great.”

“So what about those crazy nights you and the guys had? Or those crazy nights you used to have on your own?” Brendon asks with a smug smile. “I’m pretty sure it wasn’t too long ago when one of Derek’s parties were all over the press. What a surprise,” he jokes. Ryan makes a face, laughing.

“Yeah… He got in so much trouble for that,” he says, shaking his head. “I wasn’t there. I’m not… into that kind of thing, anymore? Like, I spend my free days working out and reading and, um, writing. Playing with the dogs.”

“No way,” Brendon laughs and he opens his eyes huge. “Come on, for real? Man, you’re… I’m dying for a free night to go do… anything. And you are wasting away yours?? Unbelievable… That should be illegal,”  he laughs.

“I go to the movies, sometimes,” he says, laughing a little, too.

“You’re wasting away your life!” Brendon dramatizes, and then he laughs even more, bringing a hand to his mouth, biting his bottom lip. “You don’t even know… I don’t even remember how a party like that feels like.”

“Well, I. I don’t really miss them, you know?” he confesses. “Jesus, I avoid them. I don’t have to do it that much anymore because they’re all used to it, but yeah,” he laughs, biting his lip. “Anyway, I guess I understand you miss it. But you could, like, find someone to babysit the baby if you ever feel like going out, right?”

“No, I… I don’t know, I wouldn’t… I’d feel bad. Leaving my kid with someone else just because I want to party,” Brendon laughs and shakes his head. “No. It sounds bad even saying it out loud. I guess I’ll have to wait till she’s twenty-one and ready to party with me,” he smiles.

“Well, that’s an option, too, yeah,” he smiles. “It’s okay, though. I mean, being a father doesn’t make you just a father. You’re young and, I don’t know, it’s okay to want some time for yourself. That’s my opinion, anyway,” he laughs, making a face. “I guess that’s why I’m not a father...”

“You’d be an awesome father,” Brendon says right away, not even thinking about it. He looks at Ryan straight in the eyes when he speaks too, sure and direct. “Probably better than me, since you already avoid parties and I crave them,” he jokes too.

“That’s not true,” he shakes his head, looking down. “And anyway, how do you know that? The only baby I take care of is Jo and sometimes I think Cassie actually makes her take care of me.”

“I’ve known that before you had the chance to take care of any kid,” Brendon says like it’s that simple, like he just knows and Ryan should too. “You have it in you, you care about people, and you care about kids, the same way you care about your dogs. You’re caring,” he smiles. “It’s true. You are.”

“I’m,” he clears his throat, and he doesn’t really know what to say to that. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. You know,” Brendon smiles, and he laughs a little too. “You’re just too hard on yourself, but I guess that hasn’t changed either, right?”

“Bad habits die hard, they say,” he says, looking at Brendon. He feels kind of weird having this conversation. Not bad weird, but like there’s a change in the air, a new atmosphere that Ryan doesn’t know how to handle. “I haven’t changed, I guess. I’m just the same. I feel the same, anyway,” he adds, frowning a little when he realizes that can be misunderstood. Or not, that’s the problem. “Like. There’s nothing in my life teaching me new things and making me change, so, I stay the same,” he laughs.

“Then I guess you should get something in your life to do that. Like a party,” Brendon adds, joking. “Or a baby. Both of them work well.”

“I guess, yeah,” he says. “Someday. Maybe. I’ll keep practicing in the meantime. Like, practicing in how to take care of a baby, you know? Like, with Jo and everything. Just. Practicing being a dad. Or trying. Um, ” he rushes to add, and he knows he’s red because he can feel his face burning hot. Brendon doesn’t stop looking at him with his eyebrow raised and his interested face, and the little smile on his face grows bigger and bigger as Ryan keeps talking.

“So. Practicing. I’m glad you practice, Ryan,” he says, holding a laugh before he can’t help it anymore. “You keep on the hard work,” he says, making a motivational face before he burst out laughing, his eyes even watering up.

“Shut up,” Ryan murmurs, but he can’t help smiling a little. He’s actually glad they can do this, because he’d be dying of shame otherwise.

“No, really, I’m glad you practice. That’s more than I do,” Brendon says, still laughing a little. “See, once you get the fruit of your hard work, you have no time for practice anymore,” he keeps up with the metaphor, smiling like this is so much fun.

“You’re having way too much fun with this, asshole,” Ryan says, but he doesn’t lose the smile. “Stop mocking me, okay? I didn’t mean it like that,” he keeps talking so he doesn’t have to think about what Brendon said. He needs not to think about that. With one accident in his presence had enough for a lifetime. Brendon laughs even more, looking at him with his eyes wide open.

“Did you really try to defend yourself saying ‘I’m having too much fun with this asshole?’ Cause I think you’re missing a point here,” Brendon replies, laughing again. “Honey, it’s been long ago since I had fun with any asshole,” he adds, and he can’t even finish the sentence because he’s literally crying with laughter. Ryan wants to die.

He wants to disappear right there with his red face and his fastening heart while he hears Brendon laugh because, Jesus, this is so not funny. Brendon calling him honey, telling him that, Ryan doesn’t find it funny at all. He’s suffering.

“You missed the comma! The comma was important here, oh my god!” he brings his hands to his face, covering his blush and his horrified look.

“How can you still get so shocked when I say those things? You’re so cute,” Brendon laughs. “It’s really funny seeing you getting all red.”

“Yeah, that hasn’t changed, either,” he says, laughing and uncovering his face to look at him, still red. He didn’t miss Brendon saying he’s cute. He’s not feeling like a teenager, at all. 

“It’s okay, I’ll stop, I’m not a sadist… Kinda,” Brendon laughs, but he does stop torturing Ryan. “Anyway, I do encourage you to do something different, I don’t know. Maybe not having a kid cause that’s a thing only crazy impulsive people like me do without overthinking it, but… I don’t know, go to the mountains, jump off a cliff. To the ocean, not like, to kill yourself,” he laughs, making a face. “Do things while you still can.”

“I like what I do,” Ryan says, shrugging. He looks down then because that sounds sad, actually, and he laughs at himself. “I’m boring, I know. It’s just… I. Yeah, I’m old and boring.”

“You’re not boring, not if you like what you do,” Brendon shrugs and stays silent for a few seconds, just thinking. “I guess… we grew older to like different things.”

That sounds like Brendon is breaking up with him, which is stupid because he’s not, he can’t. But the line sounds like that, and Ryan makes a face, shrugging again and sighing. Maybe he should try and be fun for once.

“I guess,” he says. “What do you like now, then?”

“You mean what I’d like, hypothetically, if I could actually do it, right?” Brendon laughs, twisting his mouth and thinking. “Well, mostly the same I used to like when I was younger, I’ve kinda… I’ve been going back to some of my interests, the ones I had back then. But you could say I like having fun, partying, getting… a little crazy sometimes,” he laughs, shrugging, “if I could, of course. Like I told you, I think I never had such an active imagination since I was a teenager.”

“I see,” Ryan nods. He’s not that different, he thinks again. Just he has a kid now. “Why a father, then? I mean,” he stops himself, shaking his head. “Sorry, that’s not my business…”

“No, it’s fine, it’s… I don’t mind. I just knew,” Brendon says, smiling. “It sounds stupid and it probably was, but… I came to a point in my life where I knew…” He stops talking for a second, looking away and smiling softer. “I knew I could do it, I was finally able to… to care about somebody like that, to take care of them, to love them with… my very soul. I had it in me and I thought, well shit, I better look out for the right person to give it to. And that was her.”

“Oh,” Ryan nods, understanding. He doesn’t say anything else, he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say to that. Brendon just looks at him for a minute, the smile still on his face, and then he laughs because it seems like everything is worth laughing to Brendon these days.

“Too intense for our first conversation after three years of almost no contact at all?” Brendon jokes.

“No, no. Not at all,” Ryan says, smiling at him and looking down at his own hands, twisting them on his lap. He doesn’t know why he’s nervous again, but he is. He should get used to being nervous around Brendon, it seems. “I get it.”

“It’s not as solemn as I made it look, it was mostly me randomly saying, hey, why don’t I get a kid?’ And that was mostly it. Cassie said I was crazy, Jacky said I was batshit crazy, and so on. But look at me now. Crazy, yes, but also a daddy,” he smiles, and he sounds really proud of himself.

“You’re not crazy,” Ryan says, and he is honest. He doesn’t think Brendon is crazy. “You wanted to. That’s not being crazy. You were brave enough to do it even though it was a totally new experience for you, but,” he shrugs. “You always learn and make the best of the situation, so. Who’s better than you for that?” he laughs.

“That’s really nice of you to say. I do think it was crazy, and impulsive, but…” Brendon looks to his side, to where the cradle of the baby is, where the little girl is sleeping. “I promise you, I never, not even for a second, regretted it.”

“I can see that,” Ryan smiles, looking at both of them.

“She really made me look at life in a different way. When I thought…” he stops again, looking down and laughing. “Man, I’m really getting deep here, are there happier themes? I don’t know, you could tell me something. It’s not possible the only things you’ve been doing all this time is working out and babysit Jo. I mean, if I wrote a book I’m sure you did something worth mention.”

“Oh, well, there actually isn’t, sorry,” he laughs. “I...bought a new house? But that’s not worth mention. That’s, you know, whatever. And I’ve been… learning how to cook. Some of Ginger recipes, too. And that’s it.”

“I know you moved out,” Brendon nods, smiling a little, “but hey, Ginger recipes! That’s pretty advanced cooking skills.”

“Yeah, you know… It’s the only thing I do besides work, so,” he laughs. “I realized cooking makes me relax. I still burn a thing or two, but hey, I’m improving.”

“Come on, you can’t burn food while preparing one of Ginger’s dishes! That’s a sin! You totally should keep on practicing,” Brendon says, and he laughs a little. “You know already practicing is good.”

“Idiot,” he smiles. “It only happened once.”

“What only happened once?? You practicing things or you burning food??” Brendon laughs again, holding up a hand when he’s laughing too much. “Sorry. Sorry, I promised I’d stop.”

Ryan flips him off this time as he laughs.

“Me burning food, you giant bastard. See? You’re losing your right to try something I cook.”

“Did. You. Just… Insult a dad???” Brendon brings a hand to his mouth, gasping. “I can’t believe it. I’m gonna call your boss right now so he knows what you do on your free time, kid.”

“I actually insulted you three times. I called you asshole, idiot and bastard and also. Did you say kid? What are you? Eighty?” Ryan laughs. Brendon frowns and pouts, crossing his arms.

“No, I’m a dad. Once you’re a dad you gain the right to call everyone else a kid. If I was eighty I’d have called you, I don’t know, a punk maybe. Like, hey punk, get out of my lawn.” Brendon nods. “I really plan on using that phrase someday, I look forward to being old just for it.”

“You already are,” Ryan mocks, smiling bigger this time. “Sorry, that one was easy.”

“Shut up, punk,” Brendon laughs. “I can get you a nice mouthwash if you keep it up, how do you like the taste of soap?”

Ryan lifts an eyebrow, trying to hold back a laugh before he can’t do it anymore and bursts out laughing, shaking his head and bringing his hands to his face. He can’t believe he’s having stupid conversations with Brendon Urie after three years of absolutely nothing but a bunch of pictures and one video or two. Joking and playing seem almost unreal.

“Hey!” Brendon laughs too, punching Ryan’s shoulder not too hard, “it’s not funny, I’m trying to discipline you here. I should spank you and send you to bed without dessert,” he says, still laughing but trying to use a firm voice.

Ryan chokes again, and he’s glad he’s laughing and he can pretend it was because of it and not because Brendon said something about spanking him. Jesus Christ, Ryan needs to control himself a little. He coughs and tries to get air into his lungs again, clearing his throat when he finally can stop.

“You…,” he says, but he doesn’t finish the sentence, shaking his head and laughing shortly again. 

“Yes. Me. I’ve tried to be others but it doesn’t work,” Brendon jokes and laughs too. Ryan just looks at him then, and this time he doesn’t pretend he’s not watching him close. He stares at him, seeing the man he fell in love with all those years ago and knowing he wasn’t wrong when he confessed to Cassie he will never love someone like this ever again.

“So,” he says after a few minutes of silence, still looking at him and clearing his throat. “I should probably… go. You must have things to do and I don’t wanna wake up the baby and. Yeah,” he says, nodding to himself. “You. You have my number. Right?” He asks, a little unsure.

“I… think so? Is it still the same?” Brendon asks, moving in his seat to sit straight.

“Yeah,” he answers, smiling a little and rubbing his hands together. “Yes.” He looks at him a little unsure, and he doesn’t know why he suddenly feels nervous all over again. But not nervous like before, more anxious. “Maybe you could call me. Sometime. Like, if you want. I… I’d like that.”

“Maybe you can do it too,” Brendon laughs softly, and nods. “It’s gonna be hard, you’re super busy, I’m… a dad. But I’m sure we can hang out another time again,” he smiles. Ryan can’t help staring at that smile, clearing his throat when he notices he’s not being subtle at all and standing up.

“Yeah, that’s. Yes. I mean, we can hang out when I’m free and, and, like, I don’t mind if you. Um. That’s not what I wanted to say,” he interrupts himself, laughing a little and shaking his head with his eyes closed. It’s like his brain and his mouth lost their connection or something. He breathes in deep, opening his eyes to look at Brendon and talking slower now. “I know you’re busy with the baby, but I don’t mind hanging out with you both. Like, it’s totally okay. Just so you… know. So. Yeah. Anytime.”

“Oh. You thought I suggested we could hang out alone together?” Brendon asks with a fun smile on his face, raising an eyebrow. Ryan feels his cheeks burning all over again.

“No!” He says, his eyes big and round. “Like. I thought. You, um. You said you were a dad so, so I thought you meant, like, you know. A kid takes a lot of time and maybe, maybe you thought I didn’t want to hang out with the kid. Which is not what I meant. Because I do. So,” he rushes to explain. He doesn’t know if Brendon understands what he’s saying, because Ryan doesn’t think he does. He doesn’t even know what he’s saying anymore. Brendon, on the other hand, looks like he’s having the time of his life, he’s even having some trouble holding back his laugh. He’s enjoying this. Ryan hates him. Just a little.

“We can hang out. With or without the kid. But she’s pretty much 24/7 with me, so the latter option seems improbable. It can happen, though. It depends on where you want to hang out.”

“O-okay,” he says, blinking a couple of times. “Wherever is fine,” he adds, and he sounds so stupid he has to look down and mess his hair up a little in order to hide his face somewhere.

“Wherever is fine,” Brendon nods and smiles softer this time, reaching out with his hand to shake Ryan’s. “Till next time then?”

“Um,” Ryan looks at his hand for a moment before shaking it, swallowing the weird feeling in his stomach when their hands touch. A voice inside his head says something like ‘come on’ and rolls its eyes at him, but he can’t help it, even though a hands’ shake is the most impersonal thing Brendon and him have ever done. “Next time. I’ll call you. Or call me. Please,” he adds, looking at him.

“Sure,” Brendon smiles, stretching his hand, then adding, “I would ask for a hug but you look like you’re about to die or something,” with a smirk. Ryan lets out a laugh, frowning a little.

“What? No. I’m perfect. I’m. A hug,” he says. And yeah, a hug seems like a bad idea right now. Ryan doesn’t know if he will be able to let him go. “A hug would be okay. M-more than okay, actually.”

Brendon doesn’t say anything else, he just pulls on Ryan’s arm and makes him crash against his chest, laughing when he wraps his arms around Ryan’s torso in a too ‘manly’ but also friendly hug. Ryan hugs him back with a nervous laugh, but he wonders if Brendon can feel his heart beating hard against his ribcage because he can feel it everywhere. His mind goes blank for a moment and he loses all power over his own body, his arms tightening around Brendon, his eyes falling closed when his smell invades all of Ryan’s senses. And god, he’s missed him so much he almost trembles.

“You…” Brendon says, but he stops before he even begins to speak, and just laughs it off when the hug breaks apart. “See you next time, deal? I’ll find the way to know when you’re free. I have my contacts,” he jokes. Ryan laughs and nods, feeling his limbs weird now that they’re not wrapped around Brendon anymore.

“Yeah. Okay,” he says, smiling before he calls the dogs with a whistle. “Thanks for inviting me in and everything,” he adds. And he intends to walk towards the door so he can go, but he can’t move for a moment, he can’t take his eyes off Brendon.

“Don’t mention it,” Brendon says, and it’s him the one who walks to the door and moves slowly so Ryan can follow him, opening it with a smile. “Bye babies,” he says to the dogs, petting their heads, “see you soon. And your dad too,” he jokes as he looks back up at Ryan. “See you.”

“Yeah… Kiss that gorgeous little thing when she wakes up,” he smiles, grabbing the dog’s lashes hard so they don’t make him run again. Brendon bites his lips holding back a silly laugh and just nods. “See you, Bren,” he adds softly, smiling at him before turning around.

 

 

 

  
  


 


	4. The little things give you away

“So,” Ryan says, playing it cool while he eats the Indian food Tom has brought. “I saw Brendon.”

Tom chokes on his food, coughing and drinking water before looking at him with his eyes open wide. Ryan would find it funny because Tom’s face is really funny when he does that, but he feels a little nervous talking about it for some reason.

“You what?! When? How?” He asks, still a little red, his voice still rough. Ryan shrugs like it’s not important but he really needed to talk about this with someone and Spencer was not an option. Ryan doesn’t even know how he would react if he knew.

“I bumped into him while I walked the dogs. They just ran away from me and I had to follow them. It seems like they smelled him or something, next thing I knew I was in front of him,” he doesn’t say he was stalking him for a week. Tom doesn’t need to know that.

“Wow,” Tom says, staring at him. Ryan feels like he’s trying to read his mind or something. “So, how is he?”

“He’s…” Beautiful, stunning, fucking gorgeous are the first things that come to Ryan’s mind. “He’s good. He’s really good. He… has a kid.”

Tom stays silent for a few seconds, looking at him as if Ryan just talked to him in a foreign language or something like that. He lifts an eyebrow then, taking a sip of his glass and looking straight into his eyes.

“A kid. Brendon Urie has a kid. The same Brendon Urie that came to work skating and jumped off cliffs. That Brendon Urie? Being a dad?” He asks, skeptical. “Ry, man. Are you sure it was Brendon and you didn’t have some kind of hallucination? Were you high on something and you didn’t share?” He adds, smiling and mocking him. Ryan punches him on his arm, rolling his eyes.

“Asshole. It was him, okay? I would recognize Brendon from a mile away,” he says, and Tom laughs a little. “He’s a dad now. Has a little girl. Just a baby.”

“Interesting…” Tom says, going back to his food but still looking at Ryan kind of curious. “So. He has… someone? Like. Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Wife?”

“No. He’s a single father,” Ryan answers. He watches Tom reactions as he keeps eating, and he can tell there’s something he’s not telling. Tom soon answers his questions, though, sighing and talking again.

“Can I ask you why he left? Like, you never said and, you know, you seemed to be… good,” he says, cautious. Ryan can’t blame him, and he’s okay, he doesn’t mind Tom asking.

“He was in a bad place and decided getting away from me was for the best,” he explains, drinking the rest of his water and filling his glass again.

“I see,” Tom says, watching him closely like he’s waiting for something. He keeps talking when he doesn’t get it. “So that’s cool, right? That he’s fine. That he’s… better. With a kid and everything… he really has to have his life figured out.”

“Yeah. It’s good to see him fine and happy. It really is,” Ryan nods. “We talked for a while, he invited me to his house and everything. It was… good. It was weird at first, but it went well, you know?”

“That’s cool. So… You two are gonna, like, see each other again or, like, it was a one-time thing?” He asks.

“Yes, I think. Like, we talked about hanging out, so. Yeah. We’ll meet again, you know. Catch up. Just that,” Ryan says, shrugging and finishing his food. Tom goes silent again, chewing and swallowing what’s left of his food, too, looking back at Ryan again. He seems more serious this time somehow, he wasn’t laughing before but now his features turn sharper like suddenly he’s a few years older.

“Dude, you know I was always okay with… everything. Don’t take this in a bad way, but. Are you okay with that? Like. He left and now he’s back and you two just… catch up. Doesn’t it bother you?” He asks, rushing to add before Ryan can talk. “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know what was going on with him or with you two. I just, like, are you gonna be okay? I’m sorry to say this, man, but you were pretty messed up when it ended and, honestly, I don’t know how you feel now about all this. You were hurt, Ry, really hurt. Can’t this hurt you again?”

“What?” Ryan laughs a little, shaking his head. He didn’t think about that, he doesn’t want to. He has Brendon back. However, it is. And that can’t ever hurt him. “I’m okay, dude. I’m cool. It’s been three years, I got this, so it’s not gonna be a problem. Really. Everything is just fine,” he says, shrugging and smiling at him. Tom seems to doubt for a second, but then he shrugs, too.

“Okay, then. Cool,” he says, smiling back at Ryan. “I’m glad, man. So. How’s the little girl, then? What’s her name?”

“She’s awesome,” Ryan can feel his smile widening, but then he stops. “Um. I. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know… Wait. You don’t know her name?” Tom asks, incredulous. “You didn’t ask what her name was?! Jesus Christ, Ryan. You are not okay…” he adds, shaking his head and letting out a laugh. “Oh my God, I can almost see you. Drooling all over the man so much you forget about asking his kid’s name.”

“Hey! That’s not true!” Ryan says, but it kind of is. It didn’t even occur to him to ask about the baby’s name. He was just so busy trying not to freak out too much he forgot that little detail.

“So, how did you call her? Kid? Like an old man. What’s up, kid?” Tom asks again, laughing at him openly.

“Shut up, motherfucker. I just called her baby, or, you know, little thing. Shit people say to babies, it is not that weird, asshole. You’d know if kids didn’t run away from your ugly face,” he says as a poor defense, only to make Tom laugh even more.

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop now, I swear,” Tom says, the laugh dying bit by bit but his face still looks like he’s having fun. “You’re not normal. Just hope you know that.”

Ryan throws his stained napkin at him and that pretty much ends the conversation. He knows he won’t ever hear the end of it, though.

*

Ryan waits a whole three days before he writes to Brendon. He’s proud of himself. It’s weird, starting a conversation with him after all this time, and he feels that awkward sensation of not knowing if it is too soon, if he’s going to answer, if he sounds too eager. He does, anyway, mostly because now he has seen him again he can’t wait any longer as if Brendon is going to disappear if he takes too long to talk to him. Ryan knows it’s stupid, Brendon said he would call him, but he’s anxious about it anyway, and he doesn’t have anyone telling him it’s not a good idea, so.

He feels really lame writing a ‘hey’ that seems almost too teenager like, but he makes up writing right after that before Brendon can answer, telling him he’s busy this weekend because he plays somewhere in New Jersey and that his week is pretty much full of workout and practice and shit. He just wanted to say hi, he says, and asks about seeing them next week because he has a free weekend and a couple of not that busy days. Brendon takes almost half an hour before answering back, and he says it’s good for him, but he needs to know if Ryan has something specific in mind.

Ryan has nothing specific in mind. He didn’t even think about the things they could do, he just wanted to see him again and now he knows he will, he feels almost too excited. He tries to control himself, though, and answers back telling him they can do whatever he feels like, he doesn’t mind. He ends up inviting them over to spend the Saturday afternoon and gives Brendon directions so he knows how to get there. It’s not until they have ended the conversation that Ryan starts to feel really nervous about the situation, even though he still has a whole week and a half to prepare himself.

Saturday comes sooner than he expected, though. Ryan spent the whole week feeling between inpatient and nervous as fuck because some days passed by too slow and some days were too fast for his liking. He’s losing his mind, but he’s okay with it, he’s used to being crazy. He wakes up really early for a Saturday so he can spend his two hours in the gym and still clean the whole house before lunch, then eat the leftovers of the day before and have a shower before Brendon gets to his place.

He gets on time even when Ryan receives a couple of text messages asking for directions once Brendon is already on his way, assuming, of course, he’s not driving and texting at the same time. Brendon texts him one last time, using a smiling emoji and saying he’s at the door, just before the bell rings. Ryan opens the door with his hair still damp and the four dogs running around him so they can say hello to Brendon, smiling when he sees him.

“Hey,” he says. He doesn’t know if Brendon hears him, though, with all the barking. “Guys, come on, don’t get crazy.”

“Come on, are you doing it on purpose?” Brendon asks, laughing and pointing at Ryan’s hair with his eyes because his hands are busy holding his baby girl, who tries to jump down Brendon’s arms to get to the dogs. “We set the meeting days ago, you had time to take a shower earlier.”

“I…,” Ryan lets out a laugh, stepping aside and holding back the dogs so they can come in. “I spent two hours in the gym and cleaned the house, so. It was actually perfect timing,” he says, smiling.

“Two hours in the gym, oh my…” Brendon jokes, stepping up and getting inside, putting the girl on the floor but holding her so he can check on the dogs too, petting their heads. “You’re not too tired to entertain me, right?” He asks, looking up at Ryan with a fun smile.

“Not at all,” he answers, smiling back and looking down at the little girl. “Hey there, beautiful! Remember me?” He crouches down to smile at her, watching her big, round eyes staring everywhere. The girl looks at him and smiles, waving her hand, but she goes back to the dogs right away, clearly choosing them over Ryan. Brendon laughs at it.

“I think she does, but she doesn’t care,” he says.

“Hey, she smiled at me! I really count it as a win,” Ryan answers, pointing with his head to the living room. “Come on, come on in. Guys, behave with the princess. Can I get you something? Coffee? Tea? I bought donuts for you if you want,” he says as he walks.

“Oh, so you planned to contribute to the extinction of my abs. Okay, I’ll have those donuts. And coffee, please. Also, if you have a non sweetened biscuit to keep her entertained too, that’d be awesome,” Brendon answers as he stands up, smiling at Ryan. “And look, I smiled at you too. Is that a win?”

Ryan first reaction is to laugh. Not at Brendon, not at all, but nervously. A short, quick and quivering laugh that makes him clear his throat right after so it doesn’t seem as ridiculous as it felt. He looks at him, twisting his fingers for a moment.

“Well, it really is, yeah,” he confesses, pointing then at the kitchen over his shoulder. “I’ll get the coffee and, and everything. Take a seat, it’ll be just a second. I’m right here anyway, so,” he laughs again. And yeah, it is pretty stupid considering that the kitchen is right next to the living room but Ryan feels like he’s doing a lot better than the first day they saw each other despite it.

Brendon just sits and take the girl with him, and the dogs follow them too. Ryan can hear Brendon talking to the dogs with a silly voice, talking to the baby too, and even her talks in her own way too. They seem like they’re having fun, playing together. Ryan prepares coffee and takes the donuts and a couple of biscuits, putting it all on a tray and bringing it to the living room.

“There you go,” he says, leaving it on the table and sitting next to him on the couch. Rat is about to jump on it too but Ryan sees her intentions before she does and says her name in a tone that makes her step back and just lay down on the floor, looking at them. “Coffee and donuts for the boy, biscuits for the little girl.”

“Excuse me? I’m a father, _boy_ ,” Brendon says, and he takes the biscuit first to give it to the baby, who puts it almost entirely in her mouth and starts to chew. “Thanks, they look really good. Are they fresh baked?”

“Yeah. And apologies, _dad_ ,” he jokes, laughing as he gets his own coffee and takes a sip. Brendon drinks too, grabbing a donut and taking a bite.

“I’m not gonna say what I was about to say, ‘cause I’m a father,” Brendon laughs and looks at the donut. “It _is_ delicious. You should have one, I’m sure two hours at the gym can get rid of it anyway.”

“You’re a really bad influence,” Ryan says before reaching out and grabbing a donut, too. It really is delicious. Ryan forgets how good this shit is and how much he misses it sometimes.

“Am I?” Brendon asks innocently, making a face. “I don’t think so. I think I’m a really good influence,” he says, finishing his donut. Ryan laughs and shakes his head, taking another bite and chewing slowly. He talks again when he swallows.

“So, how’s everything going? You good?” He asks. It feels like small talk, but he really wants to know. Brendon drinks again, and puts the glass down, getting comfortable on the couch.

“I can’t complain. Actually… I think I’m getting a promotion soon,” Brendon laughs. “No. I’m not gonna say ‘cause I don’t want to jinx it. But yeah, everything is good, she’s growing up so fast and learning even faster. Soon I’ll be sending her to college and I won’t know how it happened.”

“Well, you’re going a little fast yourself, don’t you?” He says, smiling and mocking him a little. “But hey, congrats. About the promotion, I mean. That’s good. Where are you working now? I don’t think I asked last time,” Ryan adds.

“Oh. Oh, you don’t know,” Brendon makes a face and laughs a little. “I work for a magazine, writing. Yeah. I’m one of those now,” he says.

“Oh,” Ryan says. He can’t say he’s not surprised, that’s for sure, and he doesn’t know if it shows on his face but he really, really wasn’t expecting that. He blinks a couple of times and opens his mouth to talk, closing it again and trying once more before it actually works. “Well, that’s. Unexpected,” he confesses, laughing a little but sighing. “But it’s good. Like, I’m glad you’re doing good on your job. What kind of magazine is it?”

“LGTBQ, of course,” Brendon smiles. “They reached me after I published my book. I, well, I published a book, by the way. And they said they were interested in my view of some topics. So that’s how it happened.”

“Well, that’s awesome,” Ryan says, and he means it. He will always think Brendon is wasting his talent as a physiotherapist, but he can see he loves what he does, so. That’s really what it is about. “I knew about the book, but I didn’t know about the magazine. You like it so far? Writing.”

“I like it, I like learning about things, but I must be honest, I took the job ‘cause I could work from home and I… I knew that way I could do what I wanted. So I took the job and had a baby,” he smiles, and he looks really pleased.

“Good. And how’s that working out for you?” he asks, smiling at the little one. “Working and having a baby… It doesn’t sound easy. You always work at home?”

“Almost. I try to. Sometimes I need to go to the office and stuff. Also, If I get the promotion I’ll have to move around more often, interviewing people and the like. But yes, I don’t mind being around her while working, she behaves better lately. And I usually do it while she naps or even at nights,” Brendon makes a face and laughs. “Yes, I’m not getting too much sleep lately, but it’s fine.”

“You won’t be fine if you die of lack of sleep,” Ryan laughs, drinking what’s left of his coffee and grabbing a donut again. “But I get it. I guess. You know,” he starts, and he doesn’t really know what he’s about to say until he starts to talk again. “If you ever need a hand, I. I don’t mind. Like. If you trust me,” he laughs again as he thinks what the hell is he doing. What? He thinks Brendon is going to leave his kid with him having a lot of friends who can take care of her probably better than him? “I mean. I know you have a lot of friends that can… help, but you know. Just in case,” he finishes, eating his donut before he can say something else.

“You’re offering as a nanny?” Brendon laughs, and grabs another donut too, taking a bite. “You, a professional hockey player who spends two hours at the gym, is offering himself as a nanny. Are you really that good of a person or is there a trick here somewhere? What do you want from me?” Brendon jokes. Ryan laughs a little. Saying it that way, it almost seems funny.

“I just,” he shrugs, finishing his donut. “I like to help. And I don’t do much when I’m not working out or practicing, so,” he explains. He looks at Brendon, then, biting his lip. “It wasn’t out of line or anything, right? Like, it’s been three years and suddenly I’m offering to take care of your child,” he makes a face, laughing at himself and wrinkling his nose. “Is it weird?”

Brendon’s face changes for a second, something in his eyes fades but the smile on his lips is still there. He moves his head, like a soft shake, and he looks at the kid before he answers.

“It’s not weird… I mean, it depends on what you consider weird, but I’d say if it’s not weird we both here chit-chatting casually it’s not weird you’re offering.”

“Good. The offer is there, then. If you ever need me,” he says, smiling at him before he looks at the baby. “I really, really like this little gorgeous thing, anyway. We could do awesome things, right? Like playing with the dogs outside, catch butterflies, tickles wars. What do you say, princess?”

“She…” Brendon laughs and clears his throat a little, biting his bottom lip. “Ryan. Sorry, I need to ask,” Brendon says, and he breathes deeply before he speaks again. “Why… why don’t you call her name?”

“Oh,” Ryan looks back at him with big eyes, and suddenly he can feel his face burning so much he thinks he’s gonna explode or something. Right then he remembers his conversation with Tom and he feels so, so ashamed he brings his hand to his face. “Oh my god. Shi. Um. Oh, Jesus. Sorry. This, okay, this _is_ weird,” he says, and he laughs trying to let go a little of tension somehow, looking up at Brendon again with his cheeks still red. “I… I don’t know her name,” he confesses in a small voice. “I know, I know. That’s weird and I’m weird and it doesn’t make sense that I didn’t ask before but I was… I don’t know, I didn’t think about it,” he makes a face, staring at Brendon with guilty eyes. Now that he said it, it really is so stupid he can’t believe himself.

Brendon, on the other hand, opens his eyes huge for a second, and the burst into a laugh. He laughs and laughs until he almost cries, bringing his hands to his stomach.

“Oh my _God_ ,” he says, still laughing. “I… Jesus, Ryan, you’re unbelievable. I, damn, I thought you had a problem with… Okay. Okay. You _are_ weird, I give you that.”

“I’m really sorry, Brendon… I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he says, laughing a little too and frowning when he realizes something. “What did you think I had a problem with? I mean, I clearly have a problem in my head, but that’s a whole other thing, I guess,” he adds, laughing shortly again.

“Well… Um. You know,” Brendon shrugs and takes a deep breath before speaking in a rush. “Since her name is Nascha I thought maybe you could have a problem calling her that, but I’m glad it wasn’t that, though now it could be, I really hope not.”

If someone asked Ryan what is going on at that very moment, they wouldn’t believe him because Ryan can feel his heart stop. He swears he can feel it stop beating for a whole five seconds, the blood freezing inside his veins, his muscles paralyzing as he loses his breath. Then suddenly it comes all to him at once, and his heartbeat speeds up until he feels it in his fingers, the air burns his lungs and a cold sweat runs down his back. Ryan blinks just when his eyes sting and he’s looking at Brendon but he’s not seeing anything.

“What…” He hears himself far away and swallows because his mouth goes dry, trying again when he can. “Did you say…? Are you…?” He swallows again and breathes in deep, looking around his living room that right now he doesn’t even seem to recognize before his eyes land on Brendon again. “Just like my mom,” he finally says, his eyes a little brighter than before.

Brendon is pale, and his face is totally different now. He looks afraid and tense and also worried. He looks like he’s made of glass and he could break in any second.

“I’m sorry,” he says in a soft, low voice. “I know I shouldn’t… I didn’t have the right to… But I promise I didn’t mean wrong. I never thought you’d knew… and I know that’s not an excuse but… I. I just can say sorry.”

“What?” Ryan feels confused. Not that he wasn’t confused before, but now it’s because of Brendon’s apologies. He tries to talk as clear as he can, even though he babbles more than anything. “What? No. It’s. You don’t need to be sorry, I… Don’t be. I just, I d-don’t mind, Brendon. Of course, I don’t mind, it’s your daughter. Just,” he swallows, looking at Brendon and biting his lip. “You… just liked the name? I guess?” He asks, cautious. What he really wants to ask is why. Why would Brendon chose his mother’s name and not any other one? But he presumes it has to be it. There can’t be any other reason.

“Well… I,” Brendon breathes, looking around and twisting his fingers together. “Well I do like it, of course, but you know… I never. I…” Brendon laughs and rubs his face with his hands. “You always talked about her like she was the best mom in the world, and I never had that, or less, and I was worried maybe that would make me a worse father. But I still had her on my arm, you know, and I thought maybe… Jesus, it seems stupid,” he laughs, “but I thought maybe if she was so kind, she could help me, even though I don’t really deserve it. So, just to honor her and her… help, I named my baby after her. And I hope I haven’t ruined the name for you.”

Ryan rubs his face in a quick gesture, swallowing the lump in his throat and blinking the dampness away before he breathes out a laugh, shaking his head.

“You would never ruin the name,” he says and his voice is a little rough. He clears his throat and breathes in. “I… I actually think my mom would have loved it. She loves it. I’m sure of that. Wherever she is, she is happy this little baby is named after her,” he adds, looking at Nascha and biting his lip. “And I am, too. It _is_ an honor. For both of us.”

“Thank you,” Brendon says, smiling. “You know, Cassie said I was a creep,” he laughs and looks at his daughter. “I hope it doesn’t look like that. She said, ‘what if he wants his own daughter named after his mom?’ and I know she was right, I never thought about it until she said it out loud, though. But, you know, you can still name your future daughter after your mom. Like, I didn’t buy the brand or anything,” he jokes. Ryan laughs a little, looking at him knowing Brendon can see his eyes are not as dry as they should be, hiding a little behind the locks of hair.

“I don’t think you should worry about that, honestly,” he says, shrugging. “It’s okay. Really. She… The name suits her, and I think it was a kind gesture, so.”

“Thanks. We call her Nasch for short, so I hope that’s not disrespectful or anything. I think not, I asked her birth mom and she said it was cool… and laughed at me. She’s, uh, she’s native American. Her mom. I thought that’d be appropriate.” Brendon says and twists his lips a little. “Maybe I did a lot of things wrong and now I’m realizing it?” He laughs nervously. Ryan looks at him surprised before laughing, too, shaking his head a little.

“I knew there was something… Every time I look at her there’s something quite familiar and I didn’t realize. That’s it. You… you did nothing wrong, Bren. Also, stop worrying about the name, she’s your daughter, you can call her however you want, really. It’s cool,” he says, and he looks at him again, this time feeling a little more composed. “C-can I ask why? Like. You wanted a native just because of the name or…?” He looks at him, curious, and he doesn’t know what he’s expecting to hear as an answer, but he can’t help but feel something inside telling him there has to be an important reason that he really needs to hear. Brendon makes a face for a second, blinking fast.

“Uh. Um. Yes. Yes, that’s the reason,” Brendon answers immediately, nodding and moving in his seat, fidgeting a little. “Since, you know, your mom. And she. I didn’t want to… Like, since that was her name and her… culture and, you know. I thought it was the best. Yeah.”

“Oh. Right,” Ryan feels somehow disappointed, and he doesn’t know why. “Of course,” he smiles, though, sighing and biting his lip. “Um. Can I…?” He points at the baby girl, reaching out with his hands but waiting for Brendon to give him permission. Brendon takes his time to understand what Ryan wants, but he laughs when he does.

“Oh. Of course, Ryan, come on,” he shakes his head. “Don’t be silly.”

Ryan laughs a little as he takes the baby, sitting her on his lap with an arm on her back and bringing his free hand to the chain around his neck. He pulls on it so it appears from under his shirt and shows little Nascha the lucky charm he keeps from his mother, the rest of the things making a soft sound as they touch each other.

“See this, Nasch?” Ryan says, smiling at her. “This is a lucky charm from a very special woman with your name. It brings me good things because she watches over me. And now she watches over you, too. And she is really happy because of you,” he says. And maybe it’s stupid, maybe someone would look at him and think he’s crazy, but he doesn’t care. The kid smiles, though, she actually laughs and giggles and tries to reach for the chain while she babbles something with a lot of ‘a’s in it. Ryan smile widens. “Yeah, that’s it.”

“You’re too nice…” Brendon says soft, his eyes on the kid’s hand, or maybe on the amulet itself. “Be careful. She can… she’s stronger than she looks like.”

“You can’t break my chain, baby,” Ryan pouts, getting the chain out of her reach and under his shirt again. “Maybe when you can control your strength and don’t need to eat everything you touch I can let you have it for a while,” he smiles, giving in to the impulse and kissing her forehead. “I’ll keep it safe in the meantime.” He looks up at Brendon, then, smiling at him too and biting his lip for a moment. “Sorry if my reaction was… overdramatic. I was shocked. But I’m totally okay with it, you don’t need to feel bad or anything. Okay?”

“Sure,” Brendon nods and smiles, his eyes still on the baby who tries to slap Ryan’s face in an attempt at playing with him. He looks quieter now for some reason. Ryan doesn’t know if it is because of the name thing or not, but he doesn’t ask. He gets his attention back to the kid instead, playing with her a little, pretending to eat her little hands while he makes sounds.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” he says suddenly when he remembers something. “I, um. I remember you said she liked hockey? I thought that maybe, like, if you want. Next weekend we play here and I thought, if you wanna go, just. You know. I got you a ticket. She doesn’t need one, of course,” he says, looking at Brendon again. “Just if you want. Don’t need to feel obligated or anything.”

“Oh, you didn’t…” Brendon smiles and shakes his head. “You’re too kind, Ryan, you didn’t need to. First donuts, now tickets, what’s next?” He jokes.

“Dinner?” he jokes. Or not. He laughs and talks again before Brendon has a chance to think about it too much. “It’s no problem, really. I know she will love it there, too many things to look at,” he smiles. “And you can’t deny it, you enjoy them, too.”

“I do,” Brendon laughs. “I haven’t go to a game since she was born, so yeah. Of course, we’ll go.”

“Awesome,” Ryan says, and he feels his smile bigger than he remembers, looking at Brendon for a moment before looking at Nascha. “Heard that? Hockeeeyy!!” The little girl laughs and babbles something that actually sounds like ‘hockey’, flapping her arms and slapping Ryan’s face again. “Oh, wow! So much excitement,” he laughs. “I like it.”

“She’s gonna love it, I’m sure,” Brendon says, and just looks at them for a second. Nascha is rubbing her eyes but she’s still bouncing a little like she’s tired but doesn’t want to be. “Is it close to the rink? The seat.”

“Yeah. Second row, I think? It was far enough to see the game right but still protected by the walls if a puck goes flying,” Ryan says, laughing a little and looking down at Nascha to caress his face softly with his thumb in a tender gesture. She’s so cute he can’t stop smiling. He looks back at Brendon. “I’m monopolizing your daughter. Sorry,” he laughs. Brendon shakes his head and smiles.

“It’s okay,” he says in a soft voice. He laughs a little when the baby lets herself fall abruptly on Ryan’s chest, rubbing her face on Ryan’s shoulder before she gets comfy. “Actually… she’s monopolizing you. She likes you,” Brendon says, smiling. “She only uses Cassie like a pillow apart from me.”

“I like her, too,” Ryan smiles, lowering his voice and moving Nasch carefully so she can get comfier. “You don’t mind her falling asleep here, right?” he asks in a soft voice, and now he can’t keep his eyes off Brendon. It must be something in their DNA.

“If you get her to fall asleep you can ask me whatever you want, I’ll be in debt with you,” Brendon laughs. “I don’t usually go out at this hour with her to new places because she likes to look at everything and experience everything, so she forgets to take her naps, and she gets really cranky when we get back home ‘cause she’s tired but she couldn’t sleep, even if it’s not daddy’s fault, uh?” Brendon says, looking at the girl, reaching out to caress her chubby cheek, smiling. “So this is kind of a miracle, actually. Or maybe you’re the baby whisperer.”

“I’m totally the baby whisperer,” Ryan jokes, smiling at him. He leans back on the couch and starts rubbing Nascha’s back softly, up and down. “I can’t blame her. Would you sleep if you had the whole world in front of you to discover?”

“Yeah, that sounds really deep and poetic until you have to deal with a screaming baby,” Brendon says, laughing. “Don’t worry, you’ll know soon, I’ll accept your offer as a nanny and I hope you enjoy your new _discovery_.”

“I…” he laughs, looking down at the little girl in his arms. “I really think I like kids, you know? Like. They give me something… They make me feel good,” he shrugs, looking at Brendon again. “Now I know what I can do when I retire.”

“Having tons of kids? Well, you’re lucky you guys retire young so you can still make babies,” Brendon jokes. Ryan laughs softly.

“If I stuck to the normal retiring age I’d already be retired, actually…” he says, making a face. “I was thinking more like being a nanny. Or, you know, building an orphanage. Taking disadvantaged kids in. Something like that,” he says, laughing a little when something comes to his mind. “I’d be like the crazy woman with the cats, but with kids. And a man. For now.”

“Wow, that’s… I don’t know if you’re joking or not, considering you put a weird picture in my mind where you’re feeding tons of kids in cat’s bowls, but, uh…” Brendon laughs and nods, and Ryan can’t hold his laugh back, “yeah, that’d be fun to watch. You can always have one of your own, you know? Nasch needs friends and Cassie says she’s not having another one anytime soon.”

“I…” Ryan shrugs again, twisting his lips and biting them. “Yeah, I. I wouldn’t have a kid alone. It’s stupid, I know, but. I just. I realized I wanted to be a dad with, with someone,” he explains, except he carefully avoids saying he realized he wanted to be a dad with _him_. “And that’s… not happening.”

“That’s stupid, the world is full of _someones_ ,” Brendon smiles. “Honestly, Ryan, you’d be an amazing dad.”

He smiles, and what he really thinks is that he doesn’t want the rest of _someones_. He can’t say that, though, so he just looks at him and keeps smiling.

“Thanks,” he says. “Told you, the baby whisperer,” he adds, joking so he can shake off the weird feeling he has. Brendon keeps looking at him for a few seconds in silence, making a face when he smiles a bit guiltily.

“I’m sorry you’re gonna have to carry her like that the whole time now. Unless… uh, we can put her on a couch, and, like, put some chairs like a barrier to keep her from falling.”

“Oh, okay. That’s good. I mean, I don’t mind at all, but maybe she will be more comfortable there. You think so?” he asks, looking around. “We can put some cushions around her too, I used to do that with Jo.”

“Yeah, that’d be a good idea,” Brendon says and he smiles. “The baby whisperer for sure.”

“You should change my name on your phone,” he jokes, pointing at the other couch and the cushions lying around. “First door on the right, is the guest room. There are bigger cushions in there, these ones are full of dog’s hair anyway.”

“I’ll go get them,” Brendon says, standing up and walking, but stopping just a second to look at Ryan. “Also, you don’t know what your name on my phone is,” he adds, winking at Ryan before he goes to where Ryan has sent him.

“Hey!” Ryan says, whispering and frowning before asking to himself. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He repeats the question when Brendon appears again with the cushions. “What’s my name on your phone?” Brendon laughs out loud, shrugging but actually blushing a little while he puts the cushions down.

“How do I set them, like a fortress or something?” Brendon asks, ignoring Ryan’s question.

“Yeah, like,” he stands up carefully, walking towards that couch. “If we put her there, the cushions are around her so if she moves, they keep her from falling,” he explains, getting Nascha on the couch slowly so he doesn’t wake her. Brendon looks at him and the baby repeatedly and nods, moving everything to its place, smiling at Ryan when he’s done.

“Okay, I don’t need to tell you what to do. Nice nanny,” he jokes, but he speaks softly and almost caring. Ryan feels himself blushing a little.

“Shut up,” he says, smiling. He stares at him for a moment, and now that the baby is sleeping and they are talking in soft voices, the atmosphere feels more intimate somehow, making Ryan bite his lip. “So. I didn’t show you the house,” he says, making a face. “Sorry, I’m not used to people coming at my place. People that haven’t seen it already, I mean.”

“I think that calls for a tour, then,” Brendon smiles too. “I like it, as far as I’ve seen. It’s nice. It’s… yeah.”

“I guess,” he shrugs, gesturing with his hand so Brendon follows him. “It’s just a house, you know? Nothing too… special. You’ve already seen the guest room. Next door is the bathroom,” Ryan opens the door so he can see it, turning to the one in front of the bathroom and opening it too. “And this is an office I never use.”

“Oh, it has a lot of space. I like it. I’d kill for one of these at home,” Brendon nods, following Ryan. He walks towards the stairs but stops and looks at the couch.

“Um. Should we skip the top floor or…? Will she be okay?”

Brendon wrinkles his nose and stops for a minute, tilting his head as he thinks about it. He looks up the stairs and back to where the living room is.

“You know, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of days for a full house tour, don’t you think? Let’s go back so I don’t lose any points off my daddy card.”

Ryan laughs softly and nods, walking back to the living room and watching Zeppelin as he lays down on the floor next to Nascha as she sleeps peacefully on the couch surrounded by cushions.

“It’s just a couple of rooms, anyway. Both of them with a bathroom inside and a, you know, a little… space, it’s not even a room, with another couch and a few bookcases and the piano,” he explains, sitting on the couch and smiling at Brendon. “The gym is downstairs and that’s it.”

“It’s nice. Tidy,” Brendon laughs, making a face. “I miss tidiness sometimes. You know it’s practically impossible keeping a house in order when there’s a kid running around. I thought it’d be like having the dogs around, but Jesus was I wrong.”

Ryan laughs again, looking at the little angel with her big, round cheeks and her little hands closed in fists as she sleeps.

“I bet you prefer her over tidiness,” he smiles, turning his head back to Brendon. Brendon laughs and rolls his eyes, shaking his head.

“I’d prefer her over a limb. You can ask me right now, your daughter or your arm, and I’ll bring you the saw myself.” Brendon looks at the baby and sighs, smiling fondly. “She’s the true love of my life.”

In that moment, Ryan really feels the pull on his chest, that feeling that he has learned to identify as longing. He watches Brendon and the smile on his face and he can’t help but smile too. Maybe he doesn’t have that, but he can see how that little girl makes Brendon happy and that’s more important than all the things he can’t have. That’s everything that ever mattered to Ryan and he’s glad he can see it now.

“She’s lucky to have you,” he says, looking down at his hands and twisting his fingers together. “She’ll be the happiest girl on earth.”

“Nah, man. It’s totally the other way around,” Brendon laughs and shakes his head totally convinced. “I’d be a mess without her.”

“Well, then that’s perfect. You two are everything you need for the other one,” he smiles. “That’s what I call a perfect match.”

“Absolutely,” Brendon smiles, and then it changes from a warm one to a fun one. “And that’s why I’m not letting her date until she’s thirty,” Brendon laughs. Ryan does, too, surprised.

“Oh, man. Tell me you’re not one of _those_ ,” he says, looking at him waiting for the answer. Brendon laughs even more, shaking his head apologetically.

“I’m not! But she’s my girl, she can’t leave me all alone!” He laughs. “Honestly, Ry, I’d die! And she wouldn’t want her daddy to die, right?”

“You can always have another one,” Ryan jokes, shaking his head and pointing at him. “I bet you will stalk the hell out of whoever dares to get close to her in high school.”

“I’m not that creepy…” Brendon pouts, looking away for a second. “I’ll ask her teachers.”

Ryan bursts out laughing when he hears that, shaking his head and looking at him with a funny smile.

“That’s what I thought…” He says. “Teach her how to punch someone. That’ll make it easier.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about the guys she’ll want to punch. I worry about the ones she’ll want to kiss. Those are the really dangerous ones,” Brendon says, taking a deep breath still with a smile on his face. “And about having another one… I’ve thought about it, you know? I’d like to. I like being a dad.” He stops for a second, blinking when his face gets a little more serious. “It’s hard, though, doing it all alone. And yes, there are nice people around, of course, you yourself have offered to take care of her and trust me when I say I can’t thank that help enough. However…” Brendon looks at the baby. “We have each other but we’re still alone. And people have their own life, so it’s not the same asking someone to babysit her for a couple hours that… I don’t know, more serious things. I fear the day I get sick and I can’t take care of her properly, or if we both get sick. It’s… I was really selfish having her all on my own. I just hope she doesn’t reproach me not having another daddy when she gets older. I hope I’m enough.”

“I think I know what you mean,” Ryan says, and before he knows what he’s doing he reaches out and takes Brendon’s hand. He notices too late, though, when his own heart speeds up a little, and he looks down to hide the blush on his cheeks before he talks again, trying to play it off. “I don’t think she will think about that when she gets older, though. I think she will understand how much you did for her, and she’ll love you even more because you gave her the best life you could even though you were alone,” he shrugs, swallowing when Brendon lasts words repeat in his mind. “You loved her with everything you had, that’s the only thing she will keep. And she will be proud of you because you were more than enough,” he adds, looking at him and smiling small. “You should stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone is selfish when they have kids. The really important thing about it is doing your best after that.”

Brendon looks at him, stares. Ryan is not sure if he’s thinking or if he’s trying to look behind his eyes, but the thing is Brendon keeps his own fixed on his. It’s not long before Brendon moves his head away and down, smiling, but when he does it feels like something has changed in the air around them. Brendon squeezes Ryan’s hand and doesn’t let go when he looks up again.

“Thank you,” he says, speaking softly. “I’m glad… I’m glad you’re here.”

“Anytime you need,” Ryan answers, squeezing his hand back. “Well, except when I’m playing somewhere far away from here, but. You know what I mean,” he jokes, laughing a little. “No, really. Even in that case. Just. Via phone, I guess,” he smiles.

“Yeah,” Brendon smiles and looks down, making a face. “Phones. Such a great invention.”

Ryan squeezes his hand once again before he lets go of him, not because he wants to but because he guesses nothing makes him keep it there anymore. Maybe Brendon didn’t let it go because he was being polite or something. Ryan doesn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, anyway.

“You know… I. I don’t know if it’s weird or, or if it’s not really appropriate or whatever. And I honestly don’t care,” he says, looking at him. “I’m serious about it. About all of it. You can call me anytime, any hour, I’ll do whatever I can to be there for you,” he adds, biting his lip a little before he talks again. “I can even cook now, so I’ll be able to make soup if you’re sick,” he laughs softly. Brendon looks at him and sighs.

“Thank you, Ryan, but I would never…” He shakes his head with a soft smile. “I can’t ask you that much. It’s not your job and it’s… Honestly, it’s not fair. So thanks, but I won’t bother you like that.”

“It’s no bother at all,” he says, and he doesn’t think he’s ever been more honest about something. “And it sure as hell is not a job or whatever. So the offer still stands. I respect your decision, though, but never think being there for you and your daughter is bothering me, okay?” He smiles at him. Brendon closes his eyes for a moment and takes a breath.

“We’ll see. Okay?” He asks then, smiling at Ryan too. “I just… Sorry, I just,” Brendon bites his lips like he used to do when he didn’t know how to verbalize something. “I don’t know if I can have you in my life like that.”

“Oh,” Ryan is not going to lie to himself and pretend those words don’t hurt a little, but he’s good at not showing it, he has years of practice. So he just blinks and swallows and sighs as silently as he can, opening a smile on his face then and talking again. “It’s okay. I understand. You don’t need to apologize, it’s… It’s what you feel, so. It’s totally fine.” And it is. Ryan wasn’t a fool kidding himself and wanting to pretend this was anything more than just catching up. Much.

“Okay,” Brendon nods and smiles again, this time looking a bit relieved. “I’m sure it’s just temporary anyway, so. Just let me get used to it,” he laughs, scratching the side of his nose. “I’ll get better.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, even though he doesn’t understand exactly what Brendon just said. It’s okay, though, he prefers not to ask right now, anyway.

For a moment, there’s just silence. Brendon just nods, acknowledging Ryan’s response, but he doesn’t say anything else. His eyes drift away and his head too, so soon he’s looking around, sitting on the edge of the couch, fidgeting with his hands. His eyes go to the baby girl sleeping to random points of the room back and forth for a while until he cracks his knuckles before he stands up.

“So. It’s late,” Brendon says, rubbing the palm of his hands on his jeans. “We probably should head home. I have some stuff to do and… I should, you know, now that she’s asleep…”

Ryan feels that anxious feeling inside his guts again the moment Brendon says he’s leaving, calling himself stupid because he ruined the mood being pushy. He made Brendon feel uncomfortable and he knows he’s right about being late and they were going to go soon anyway, but at least the atmosphere wouldn’t be this awkward if he had kept his mouth shut.

“Okay. Okay,” he says, standing up too so he can walk them to the door. He waits for Brendon to get the kid, grabbing Zep’s collar so he doesn’t get in their way when he stands up and walks with Brendon.

“I had a nice time,” Brendon says by the time they get to the door. “I… Till this weekend, right? If you have time to come say hello after the game.”

“Yeah. Yes, of course. I’ll see you there,” he smiles, biting his lip and thinking if he should apologize or not. He finally decides he has nothing to lose and talks again fast before Brendon can go. “I. I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable before. Like, if I was pushy. I didn’t mean to. I had a great time with you two and I wouldn’t want to… you know, ruin that.”

“Don’t be like that,” Brendon shakes his head, speaking softly now that he has the baby in his arms. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s all fine, Ryan. I promise,” he smiles, and it looks genuine. “See you then, okay?”

“Okay,” he says, and it sounds too relieved for his liking but it’s exactly how he feels. “Okay. See you two on Sunday,” he smiles, waving his hand to say goodbye and watching Brendon walk away from his door.

 


	5. Spotlight

5.

During the following days, they talk every night. Ryan didn’t plan on it the day after he saw each other when he grabbed the phone and talked to him because he just couldn’t help himself. It just happened. They started talking about how their day was and suddenly they were talking every night before going to sleep about what they did that day and what they’re going to do the next one. Ryan is not complaining. At all.

The truth is he feels happier than he’s felt in a long time. And that doesn’t mean sometimes he doesn’t think about how in love he is with Brendon and how much it hurts to realize that hasn’t changed in ages even though their relationship has. But he’s used to being resigned by now, and he really appreciates having Brendon in his life again, even if it’s just as a friend. Ryan has more than enough after three years of absolutely nothing.

He talks about it with Tom, playing it down even though he notices how Tom looks at him. Maybe Ryan should not talk about it as excited as he does, but it’s not like he can control it. Tom doesn’t say anything about it anyway, he just listens to Ryan and asks about Brendon. Ryan really, really appreciates it. He doesn’t talk about it with Spencer, though, and maybe he should have done it because that way his friend would be ready to see Brendon at the game the next weekend, but Ryan just forgot his friend could get furious quite easily. So as he just realizes his mistake on his way to the stadium, Ryan just prays for Spencer not to notice Brendon there.

He forgets about it the moment he gets there, anyway, when he walks into the locker room to begin his usual routine before a game. Ryan can feel more nervous than he usually does, but he tries not to think about it too much and just focus on the game. He gets ready, stays with the team, talks with Bob and puts everything on when he has to. By the time they have to go, Ryan has forgotten all about Brendon coming to see the match, and he has his brain and his whole body focused on the next hour and a half.

The game is good, really good. The hounds do their best since the beginning and they get to keep the puck most of the time. Ryan feels awesome on the ice, and he even scores once, although he does what he does best and keeps the rival from scoring three times, taking back the puck and making the people go crazy. Bob just gives him rest during a few minutes, but he plays most of the game. They win 5-2 and the whole team is full of smiles, hugging each other and patting their backs hard.

Ryan takes off his helmet and pulls his hair back, looking around and seeing the rest of the guys skating calmly now that the game is over. Some of them just stay on the ice talking and congratulating each other, and some just wave at the people still screaming and clapping. He takes a look around and searches through people faces to find who he’s looking for, smiling big when he does. Ryan makes sure he stops on his way there to get the puck, skating then towards the wall where Brendon and Nascha are. He points at the nearest door so Brendon goes there and he can say hello because it’s not like they can hear him through the glass.

“Hey!” he says when he stops right at the door, the adrenaline still running through his veins and making him smile bigger and talk louder and feel overexcited. It’s just then when he realizes Nascha is wearing a Hound’s jersey, and Ryan is sure he would end up with his ass on the ice if it wasn’t because he’s as used to being on skates as he is to walk. “Oh my god! Look at you!” He says, smiling wide at the baby and looking at the jersey.

“Yeah! You like it?” Brendon smiles big and Nascha screams and laughs, jumping in Brendon’s arms. “But hey, check this out. Needed to get her favorite player’s, of course,” Brendon says, turning Nascha around so Ryan can see his own name and his number displayed on the back of the baby’s jersey.

“Oh, god!” Ryan opens his eyes wide and laughs, but he can feel his heart exploding inside. Like, there it is, a baby girl (Brendon’s baby girl) wearing his jersey and making him explode all over the place because of how fucking proud that makes him feel. Never mind one Stanley Cup and years of playing in the NHL. This baby girl with beautiful eyes and a big smile with his name on the back of a jersey is all it takes to make him feel full of something he can’t quite understand but he wants to keep. “I love it! Oh my God, you…” he says, laughing again and looking at Brendon for a moment before staring back at Nascha. “You are my favorite, did you know that? Here,” he adds, getting closer to hand her the puck and making a funny face to make her laugh.

“Oh, look, baby! So nice of Ryan, right? Say th-- Nooooo, don’t eat that,” Brendon laughs, taking the puck from the girl’s hands. “It looks like a cookie but it’s not,” he says, looking at Ryan then. “It’s not, is it?” He jokes.

“It’s not,” Ryan smiles at him. “Did you enjoy the game?”

“As always. You guys are amazing. I almost forgot how exciting was seeing you playing live! And Jesus Christ, what a ride,” Brendon laughs, holding the baby up on his waist. “She had a lot of fun too, although she tried to take off her noise-canceling headphones all the time. Didn’t like them at all. I think she looks cute on them,” he smiles. “Anyway, thank you so much for inviting us over today.”

“Anytime,” Ryan nods, holding the helmet when it almost falls down. “And she looks totally cute on them,” he laughs. “Thank you for coming, I’m really glad you two liked the game. And I’m glad we won, it wouldn’t be fun if we didn’t, right?” He smiles. Brendon rolls his eyes and shakes his head, but he’s still smiling.

“Shut up, come on, it’s not about winning or losing. It’s always an awesome experience seeing you on the ice. Doesn’t matter what you do. You could do figure skating next time and I’m sure we’ll enjoy it as well.”

“Thanks,” Ryan says, and he really hopes his cheeks are flushed enough because of the game to hide the blush. “I… I gotta get inside, but it was really good seeing you here,” he adds, looking back where his teammates are already leaving the ice. “We’ll talk soon?” He asks looking at him.

“Sure, you know my number,” Brendon jokes and nods, holding Nascha’s hand and waving with it. “Say bye to Ryan, baby. Byeeeee!”

“Awesome,” he says as he starts to skate backward. “Byeeee princess!” Ryan smiles and waves back at her for a few seconds before turning around and skate with the rest of the team, leaving the ice with a bubbling feeling in his guts that has nothing to do with the game.

The air in the locker room feels like a party, everyone still high on adrenaline and laughing and talking loudly. Even Bob is smiling because they did a good job out there. They won and they did it playing good, the best game they have played so far if you ask Ryan. The only one looking weird at him when he gets inside is Spencer, and Ryan doesn’t need to wonder why he knows exactly why it is. He just doesn’t care. Not right now, anyway, he’ll hear all about it soon enough, he’s sure about it.

So he just gets in the mood like everyone else and jokes and laughs as he gets in the shower and changes. Ryan even gets Spencer to stop looking at him frowning and makes him laugh a couple of times, hugging him and calling him captain over and over again. He knows it doesn’t change anything and he’s going to have to talk about it with Spencer, anyway, but they have fun for a while in there, and that’s all that matters. Ryan feels awesome, better than he’s felt in a while, and he lets himself be carried away by the excitement of the moment.

It’s when everyone is leaving and the whole team is already saying their goodbyes when Ryan starts to feel himself calming down and the adrenaline slipping away, leaving him tired. They leave together, Spencer and him, saying goodbye to the ones left in the stadium and walking towards the parking where their cars are in silence.

Ryan can feel the tension on his friend’s shoulders and Spencer waits until they are alone and away from anyone’s ears before he starts with the lecture. He doesn’t start rough, of course, that wouldn’t be Spencer, but Ryan knows for the way he’s looking at him it won’t take long to get there.

“So,” he starts, and he just looks at Ryan for a few seconds, “Urie.” That’s it. He doesn’t need to say anything else, his face does the rest. Ryan sighs and looks down for a moment, staring at his friend before opening his mouth to talk.

“I know what you’re going to say, okay? But it’s just,” he starts, shrugging. “I just invited him to watch the game. That’s all.”

“You just invited him to the game and that’s all?” Spencer raises an eyebrow. “So you’re trying to tell me you randomly invited to our game a guy you haven’t talked to in years? Just because? What, you were feeling generous and decided to give free tickets around?”

“We bumped into each other casually,” he says, hiding the fact that it wasn’t so casual. “And he said Nascha liked hockey, so I just thought I’d invite them. I was being… polite. Or something.”

“Wait, what? He and who??” Spencer looks at him closer, he moves closer, and Ryan realizes his mistake too late. He shouldn’t have said that. He stops walking and bites his lip, raising his hands calmly and looking at Spencer.

“Look, I know this is… unusual. Brendon’s daughter is. Um. That’s her name. And she likes hockey a lot, so. Yeah,” he explains. Ryan doesn’t really know what to say, actually. He feels like his friend is about to explode like he had done something terribly wrong and he’s about to hear the consequences. Spencer laughs, though. He laughs and shakes his head and rubs his face with his hand, and somehow that’s even more terrifying than he exploding.

“Bullshit,” Spencer says, looking back at Ryan. “Tell me you’re kidding me. Tell me this is all some kind of elaborated prank or I swear to God I’m dragging your ass back to Elisa’s office right the fuck now!” He’s getting red as he speaks, his eyes wide. “Did he really have the nerve to use your mom’s name? Really? And you’re okay with it??”

“I. Yeah, I am. It’s just. He liked the name and it has a meaning for him, so,” he rushes to explain. He feels like he owes some kind of explanation to his friend, for the number of hours and days dealing with him back when Ryan wasn’t very good at taking care of himself properly. “It’s just a name,” he adds, even though it isn’t true. Not for him. “We’re just catching up, okay? I know you don’t like him since, well, since ever. But. It’s not like we’re getting involved somehow or anything…”

“Jesus. Fucking. Christ. I don’t like him?? How do _you_ like him?” Spencer pushes his hair back roughly, shaking his head. “Getting involved, you shouldn’t even be a mile around that motherfucker. What the fuck, Ryan? Did you forget what he did? Did you really forget it? The fucking mess you were? The mess you _still are?_ Cause I sure as fuck don’t. And what about he liking the name, what the hell, I like the fucking white house and I don’t go there and kick out the president. He should have had some respect. But he never did, so why start now, right?”

“I didn’t. Forget,” Ryan says in a small voice, frowning and looking down at his hands. He knows Spencer is kind of right. Not about the name, he doesn’t expect him to understand and he’s not going to discuss that with him, but Ryan can’t say the rest of it isn’t true. He didn’t forget about everything he went through, he just doesn’t blame Brendon for it. Spencer is not going to understand, though, and Ryan is not going to ask him to. He opens his mouth to say something, but he closes it again when nothing comes out.

“He’s not coming back again,” Spencer says firmly, and he sounds completely serious. “I don’t care if I have to put on a fucking poster with his face at the door, but you’re getting back to be yourself and the least you need is his asshole face around now. So, since you’re stupid enough to go get tickets for the guy who broke you into million pieces the first time you ‘bump into him’, I’m taking charge now. This shit is over, Ryan.”

“Hey, what? What do you mean, ‘taking charge’?” He asks, looking up at his friend again with a frown. “And don’t call me stupid. What’s wrong with him coming to a game, anyway? It doesn’t change anything,” he adds, and as he talks he realizes that’s actually true. Brendon coming to a game, he meeting his daughter, they talking again. It doesn’t change the fact that he has a new life and it’s been three years and they are over. Ryan blinks and looks away from Spencer in case his friend can read the hurt on his face. “It doesn’t change anything,” he repeats, and this time it sounds more real.

“Well, for starters you’ve lied to me. You never told me you’d met him, you never told me you’d been catching up, never told me you invited him to the game. And if you think that’s the only thing that I and the rest of the world can see changing in you then you really have no right to tell me to stop calling you stupid, ‘cause fucking hell, you are. You are really stupid, Ross.” Spencer says, and he walks up to Ryan, looking at him in the eyes. “So yeah, I’m taking charge. He’s not coming to our games. He likes hockey? There’s plenty of teams, he can enjoy himself somewhere else. And if you respect our friendship, you’ll politely stop seeing him again. Because that guy broke my best friend, my brother, to the point of almost killing him. And I don’t want him near anything I care for. Understand?”

“Spencer, come on…” he begs. Ryan doesn’t feel bad admitting it. He actually begs him, looking at Spencer’s eyes and swallowing the lump he can feel inside his throat. “Please. You can’t ask me to… Are you really telling me this is going to get between you and me again?” He asks. He doesn’t even think for a second about the possibility of stopping seeing Brendon. Not after all this time. He just can’t. Ryan really hopes Spencer is not serious about that, though, he owes a lot to him. He can’t lose his best friend over this.

“No. No, this is not going to get between you and me,” Spencer purses his lips, shaking his head. “No, this time you’re gonna have to choose,” he says with determination. “I’m not watching you suffer again, Ryan. I’m not… hurting myself again taking care of what’s left of you when he decides he’s got enough. So you either get away from him… or you get away from me.”

Ryan wasn’t expecting that. He could expect some shouting, Spencer insulting him twice or a million times. He could expect his best friend saying everything he has already said about Brendon before, telling him how he’s going to punch him in the face the next time he sees him. But he never thought Spencer would tell him that. So he just looks at him, as surprised as he feels and unable to answer. He looks at his best friend and tries to find a way to fix this.

“It’s not going to be like that. It’s not like that, Spence, come on. Don’t. Don’t do this to me,” he says, shaking his head. “He’s. He has a new life. A new house, a new job, a, a _daughter_. He forgot about me a long time ago, this is not going to mess with me again. I know where I am, now,” he says, and he tries to convince himself too in the meantime.

“Then why?” Spencer asks, crossing his arms up over his chest, defensively. “Why is it so important to keep in contact with him? Why if it’s so circumstantial if it doesn’t matter like you say it doesn’t, why do you _need_ to keep in contact with a guy who fucking ruined you, Jesus fucking Christ, Ryan!”

“He didn’t ruin me,” he says, firmly. He’s not angry like Spencer seems to be but he doesn’t like him saying things like that.

“Oh, shit, right! Sorry, it’s true. You’ve always been this mopey, sad, loner who only thinks about working and going fucking home to sleep. Right. That’s my best friend Ryan Ross.” Spencer shakes his head. “I’m not having this conversation if you’re this delusional already. I’m serious, Ryan. I’m not taking shit from anyone now, I’ve learned. I just hope you’ve learned too,” he says, and with that he just turns around, starting to walk away.

Ryan knows that’s true, what Spencer said about him, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt hearing him throwing it at his face like that. He thinks about what he’s going to say during a few seconds before calling Spencer’s name, looking at him and waiting for him to turn around again, biting his lip hard. For a moment it looks like Spencer is not stopping, but then Ryan hears a loud sigh, and Spencer turns around, his expression harder than before. Ryan takes a deep breath.

“I still love him. Okay? I do. And I know you think I’m crazy and you’re probably right, but I just can’t… I can’t stop seeing him again. Not now,” he confesses, and maybe he’s not helping himself at all, but he needs to be honest with Spencer. “But I know what this is. I know we’re over and I know he’s not coming back like before. I _know_. So I promise I will take a step back if it gets out of hand. I will,” he nods to emphasize his words, looking at Spencer's face and waiting for his reaction.

He looks like he’s about to flip. Or maybe he’s having an aneurysm.

“You’re a fucking junkie,” Spencer says, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re a junkie and you’re asking me to let you do just one more hit. Fuck no. Fuck no, Ryan, I’m not taking part of this. If you’re doing this, it won’t be with my approval,” he says, turning around again and walking away. “Get help!” He shouts, not even looking at Ryan anymore.

He just watches him go and sighs, bringing his hands to his face and swearing. He can’t believe this is happening again, and the worst thing about it is that he feels guilty somehow, he feels like he disappointed his best friend. He was there when Ryan needed him and this is how he’s paying back. Ryan would have preferred a bit more of screaming and a lot less of Spencer walking away from him, it would be easier to deal with. He stays there for a while, standing alone in the middle of the parking lot until he tightens his jaw and decides to go home. He needs to punch something and he has a perfect punching bag for that.

*

Ryan has the day off but he wakes up early anyway. Not as early as he would if he had to work but he doesn’t stay in bed for long. So he’s already walked the dogs and cleaned the house and he’s reading peacefully on the couch when he receives a message from Brendon. He frowns, surprised and confused at the same time because yes, they talk sometimes, but it’s mostly Ryan starting the conversation and never in the morning. Brendon just asks if he has seen the news, though, and that’s even weirder. Ryan hasn’t read them today, he never sees them. So he says so and waits for an explanation. The next thing Brendon texts, though, is a “can I call you?” Ryan says yes, of course, but he gets worried.

“Hey. Everything okay?” He asks right away, leaving the book open on the couch next to him.

“Well, depending on who you ask,” Brendon says, and his voice doesn’t sound worried but it’s not the same as always either. “I’m hoping everything is okay, but I understand if… it isn’t,” he says and sighs. “It’s about the game. You know, they saw me and now it’s all over the place. And I know you’ve been avoiding the press all these years, so I’m sorry I brought it up again with me.”

“Oh,” Ryan says, and he needs a couple of seconds for the words to sink in. “ _Oh_. Jesus, no…” he sighs, rubbing his face. “Don’t worry about it, don’t be… Just. I invited you, I didn’t think about it and. Are you okay with it? Like, with the baby and everything. What, what are they saying now?” He asks, making a face.

“Oh, that you have a baby,” Brendon laughs. “That’s pretty much it, you know? Everybody thinking we have a baby and we have kept it secret. Like, you know, since we never… you never said anything to the press about… anything. So they’re making up what they don’t know. Like always.”

“Jesus Christ,” Ryan sighs, and what he really thinks is ‘I wish it was true’, but he’s not going to say that. He just swallows the weird feeling and bites his lip. “I’m. I’m sorry. I… I can do something about it if you want. I mean, I don’t give a fuck about them, I don’t pay attention to them, but this involves you and Nascha and… that’s because of who I am.”

“Ryan, don’t sweat it,” Brendon says, “I just told you because I thought you had to know, that’s all. If you’re not freaking out, then it’s cool. Don’t freak out because of me.”

“Okay. Okay, then,” he says. He knows he probably should say something anyway, deny it, but he doesn’t really like the idea of being in front of them again. “Thanks for telling me, anyway. I… I don’t play their games, but it’s good to know they’re still sticking their noses into my life,” he laughs a little, but he doesn’t think it’s funny. “Not even the new stars can  draw their attention away from me.”

“Yeah, well…” Brendon says, and he stops there. He actually sounds like he wanted to say something else but he’s holding himself back. His voice has changed again like he’s more upset now than when he called. “That was all.”

“Okay… Is. Is everything okay? You seem… different,” he asks because he doesn’t like the feeling. The atmosphere feels awkward, tense somehow.

“Yeah, no, it’s everything fine. I know how you feel about the press, I just don’t agree with you, but that’s okay. We all have different opinions.” Brendon says in a dry tone. Ryan closes his eyes when he realizes he was too harsh and he didn’t think Brendon is part of the press now. He knows he’s not like them, but it’s his job anyway.

“I offended you,” he says, sighing. “I’m. I’m sorry.”

“No, you didn’t offend me,” Brendon replies, sighing too, clicking his tongue. “I just. I think you don’t get it, how important you are, how important your presence in this whole industry is to the community. To our community,” he says, and he’s rushing up the way he does when he can’t stop the words from coming out. “You’re a successful hockey player, you overcame a lot of shit and still stood out, you got a lot of bad press and good press but, overall, you made it. You’re still there, at the top, like so many people said you couldn’t. You’re such an inspiration for younger people… damn, even for old people. So I get you don’t like the press but… I’m glad the press still like you.”

“I. Um. I never thought about it that way,” he says. And it’s true. Brendon’s answer catches him off guard, he never really thought of himself as an inspiration for _anyone_. “I get it, I guess… Like, I mean. I can’t really see myself as an inspiration?” He laughs, feeling awkward just saying it. “But I understand what you’re saying.”

“You’re the only… not-straight hockey player in the NHL. How the hell wouldn’t you be an inspiration?” Brendon laughs too, and he sounds a little more relaxed now.

“I don’t know!” He laughs again, feeling a little better now that he can hear him better, too. “Like, I guess hockey is so normal to me I don’t really notice who I am or where I am playing. It’s just. I’m just Ryan, you know?” He says, and he shrugs to himself. “I’m just a guy who plays hockey. Quite good, yeah,” he jokes, bragging about it. “But I’m just a man. A man who likes cock, too,” he laughs.

“Well, you should keep in mind for now on that being good at playing hockey, and liking cock makes you special,” Brendon says, and he laughs again. “There’s supposed to be a comma in there like I’m not saying you’re good at liking cock. I don’t think a person can be good at liking cock. At licking cock, though…” He says and laughs again. “But no, you know what I mean.”

“I… guess I do, yeah,” he laughs too, softly. Maybe any other time he would say he’s good at licking cock, too, but he’s not in the mood for that kind of jokes right now, though. He’s not in the mood for a lot of things, actually, but talking with Brendon always made him feel a little better. Spencer comes to his mind in that moment, maybe because that’s the reason he’s not in the mood, or because he shouldn’t be thinking about making dirty jokes while talking to Brendon but he can’t help himself. “I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Okay, so… That was all, really. We can just let it pass, they’re used to you not talking to them at all, so it won’t last long until they find something else to pay attention to,” Brendon says.

“Yeah. We can, we can do that,” he nods, looking down at the book on the couch. “How’s the little one doing? Did she manage to eat the puck?” He asks, smiling small.

“That puck is safe in a pretty box for when she’s old enough to appreciate she didn’t eat it,” Brendon answers, the smile in his voice too. “We had a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting us.”

“No need to thank me, come on. I’m glad you two enjoyed it,” Ryan says, biting his lip when Spencer’s words cross his mind. He wonders if his friend is really going to forbid Brendon entering a game ever again. “You know, whenever you feel like watching a game. No problem,” he adds. He really hopes there isn’t any problem. He needs to talk to Spencer.

“Oh, I wouldn’t take advantage of you that way,” Brendon answers. “Also, you know… we probably should let this cool down a little… Unless you’re okay with people thinking you’re a father,” he laughs like it’s a joke. Ryan is okay being a father, but that’s a whole different thing.

“I don’t care what people think, but. Yeah, you’re probably right,” he says, swallowing and folding the corner of the book’s pages, the weird feeling back in his guts. “Like, there’s a little innocent person involved now and. Yeah, let’s. Let’s just cool it down,” he says, his voice lowering as he talks. He guesses he doesn’t sound pleased with the idea, but it’s because he isn’t. Ryan knows it is what they have to do, though, it’s the right thing to do.

“Okay, nice,” Brendon says. “I’m sure she will laugh when she finds out about it when she’s older, though. So, it’s okay. Don’t worry about her.”

“Late,” he laughs a little, short and breathy. “Okay.”

“So…” Brendon clears his voice. “We’ll talk around, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” he nods even though Brendon can’t see him, clearing his throat, too. “We keep in touch, thanks for calling,” he adds, not really wanting the conversation to end.

“Sure, no problem,” Brendon says. “Bye!”

“Bye, Bren. See you.”

 


	6. The jealous type

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year!!! This comes a little late but here's our Christmas present for you all!! I hope you had a nice Christmas and thank you again for being there. I hope you enjoy it. xoxo
> 
> Xipy

 

Ryan tries to talk to Spencer a few times during the next days, failing every time. One would think it’s hard to fail given that they see each other almost every day, but Spencer manages to ignore him quite well. Ryan even thinks about talking to Linda, but he’s not that desperate yet. He hopes his friend changes his mind about this whole thing. Ryan is delusional like that.

Also, not talking to Brendon isn’t helping. They said they had to cool it down and everything, and Ryan thought it was a good idea, but now he really can’t see why. He thinks about it and he doesn’t understand why the hell he agreed on that because now he misses Brendon, which makes him feel stupid because it’s been, like, three days. So Ryan is not really having the time of his life these days. On top of that, he somehow thinks it’s a good idea trying to talk to his dad. He gets no answer, of course, just like the other hundred times he’s tried since he doesn’t know when. The only one he talks to is Tom and Cassie. They really deserve the best for putting up with him.

So the next day Ryan gets tired of feeling stupid and bad and lonely, and he decides to write to Brendon and make things better. Not that they are bad, they just are weird. And Ryan doesn’t want weird. He just had a shower and has the phone in his hand when he changes his mind and calls him instead, hoping not to bother him somehow. It’s funny because Brendon answers just like every other time, unaware of everything Ryan has gone through inside, and maybe that’s fine. At least on one side, everything is still normal between them.

“Hey. Hi,” Ryan says, rolling his eyes to himself.

“Yeah, hi,” Brendon says again. “What’s up?”

“Just. Called to see how you were doing, you know? Like,” he explains while he plays with Zeppelin’s ears. “We said cool it down and everything but I was thinking, you know? I was thinking and I thought, what the hell? We don’t really need to. Like, I like this. Um. Talking and everything, so. Yeah,” he finishes lamely. Brendon stays silent for a second and then laughs.

“So, yeah? What does that mean exactly?” He says with a laughing tone. “You mean you’re okay being my baby daddy?” Brendon asks and laughs at his own joke. Ryan hates him just a little because, Jesus Christ, he’s so okay he even blushes. He’s really glad Brendon can’t see him through the phone. He laughs too, trying to be cool about it.

“I mean. I never wanted to live thinking about everything that was being said about me anyway, right? Like. You know, maybe I can actually _be_ an inspiration,” he jokes, laughing shortly. Brendon laughs again, softer this time. Ryan really loves that sound, dammit.

“ _Oh_ , I see…” he says, and makes a sound with his throat. “That’s actually pretty nice, you know? Because Cassie happened to tell me she had a few spare tickets for your next game, and I was afraid to tell her I couldn’t come.”

“Oh! No way, come on. You can come anytime you like,” he says, making a face when he listens to himself and calling himself stupid. He doesn’t try to make it better, though, he knows himself enough to know it’s not going to work. So he clears his throat instead.

“Oh, can I? Well, thank you, sir,” Brendon jokes, laughing even more. Ryan has to swallow for a moment. “Great, great, you’ll see us there, then. I need to find another way to plug Nash’s ears because she hates those canceling noise headphones. I’m sure Cassie knows something better.”

“Sure. She just doesn’t want to miss all the fun, you know?” He says, smiling a little. “How’s she doing?”

“She’s great, of course. I’m the one suffering,” he laughs. “It’s like she manages to find a different way to make a mess every day. I can’t wait to teach her how to clean up too.”

Ryan laughs, feeling more relaxed as he does.

“She won’t do it. And you will have to threaten her with no park time until she’s done cleaning things up,” he says with a simile on his face the whole time.

“If she’s anything like her daddy she won’t answers to threats,” Brendon smiles. “I’ll have to bribe her. That’ll work,” he says and then waits a second. “How are you, by the way?”

“I’m. I’m good,” he says, and it’s mostly true, now that they are talking again and everything is cool. He could be better, but this always helps, anyway. “Yeah.”

“Wow, you’re talkative,” Brendon says. “So what? Are you calling just to hear me talking about myself? Tell me something, come on. My voice is not that beautiful.”

“Well,” he says, laughing a little about that last words and holding back his own. “Zep is having the time of his life lying on top of me on the couch while I play with his ears. I think that’s the most interesting thing that happened to me today,” he jokes. “The rest was just work and a couple of unanswered calls. I got lucky with the third one.”

“Are you the one making the calls or not answering them?”

“Oh, this time I’m the one making them,” he laughs.

“Well, then I’m pretty sure you’ll have those calls back at any time. Maybe you shouldn’t hold the like talking with me,” Brendon says. Ryan laughs again, this time because that’s so not going to happen.

“I don’t really think so…” he says, watching Zeppelin fall asleep slowly. “Also, you answered, so. You deserve all of my attention,” he jokes.

“Don’t be mean. Maybe they’re busy, and I’m desperate for a distraction, so it doesn’t really count,” he laughs. “It’s funny how when the kid’s awake I don’t have enough hours but the moment she falls asleep I get bored out of my mind.”

“You could do something to be entertained. Like, I don’t know,” he starts, smiling before he even finishes mocking him. “Clean the mess.”

“Yeah, so much fun,” Brendon says and Ryan almost can see him rolling his eyes. “I’ve done it already, smart-ass. The sooner I do it, the faster I can go back to hate my boredom,” he laughs.

“Wow, you’re productive,” he jokes, laughing too. “I’m kidding. You’re actually, like, a superhero right now. Work, a kid, and a house. _And_ Vegas. That one is not even a normal dog,” he adds.

“He actually helps, too!” He laughs, “You should see him sometime. Remind me next time you come home. I taught him how to pick up things and throw them in a basket.”

“I swear to god,” Ryan says, laughing and shaking his head. “You’ve always been too clever, Brendon. I mean it. I didn’t even think about that and I have _four_ dogs.”

“Well, you know I like bossing people around. Since I can’t boss people, I might as well boss my dog,” he laughs.

“One day you will rule the world. Or well, your kid will. You’re too old for that,” he says, laughing at him. “I’m being a pain in the ass today, I know. Sorry, I almost haven’t talked to anyone today and I’m inspired,” he laughs.

“Inspired??” Brendon asks. “You just called me _old!!_ Excuse me??” He laughs, trying to sound offended. “I’m younger than you, asshole.”

“Yeah, I know,” he laughs again. “Maybe you shouldn’t have picked up the phone, after all. I deserved it,” he says, but he doesn’t really mean it, of course. He already feels a lot better.

“Maybe I should--” Brendon stops the sentence there, making a sound with his throat. “I’m not gonna say it. But you sure as hell deserve it.”

“I probably do,” Ryan says, letting out a short laugh. He doesn’t know what Brendon was going to say, but yeah, he probably deserves it. “I’m stopping now, promise. I’m sorry. And I mean it,” he smiles.

“Okay. Good b--. Good.” He laughs and clears his throat. “So, who are you guys playing against with next week?”

“Detroit Red Wings,” Ryan says. “It should be an easy one. We’ll see about that, though.”

“I’m sure you guys got it. I’m hoping for a nice show,” Brendon says back. Ryan smiles softly.

“You always are so sure about us. You really trust the team, that’s a lot of responsibility,” he says.

“On you, guys, not on me,” Brendon laughs. “I’m not the one playing, after all. I’m just aware of the victories that back you up. You’re a great team, everybody knows that.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly it. A lot of responsibility on us. On me. But it’s cool,” he says, still with a smile on his face. “You give us confidence. Or, well, me.”

“I’ll make sure to bring my pompons, then. You know, to cheer you guys up,” Brendon says, laughing. Ryan has to laugh too, the sound bubbling inside his throat. “I don’t have a cheerleader dress, though. Sorry.”

“I’d like to see that,” he says, coughing when he chokes on his own laugh. “Like. Um. You know? I’m not gonna try to fix that because you will laugh at me anyway, so…” he adds, feeling his cheeks getting warm.

“I wasn’t going to laugh,” Brendon says and it sounds like a total lie, but there’s something else in his voice, the kind of tone he uses when he’s having fun with someone else’s suffering. “I was just gonna ask what exactly did you want to see… and maybe make a little remark about choking. That’s all,” he says in an innocent voice.

“Oh, _that’s all_ …” he repeats, shaking his head as he laughs a little. “I think I’ll keep to myself what exactly did I want to see, then,” he adds, laughing more to make it sound like a joke and not like he’s flirting with him. Because he isn’t. At all.

“Ryan… you don’t want to keep going that way,” Brendon laughs, even more, a bit throaty now. “I’m afraid you could find things you won’t like. There’s a huge sign with the word ‘danger’ right in front of your face.” He laughs again, kind of friendly, and kind of not. Ryan bites his lip. He feels like he wants to push, just a little, but there’s a voice inside his head asking him what the hell is he doing.

“You know what they say about danger and adrenaline and all that,” he says, not really thinking about what he’s saying. “You can’t forbid someone to get in and expect them to just turn around and leave.”

“Actually, I can forbid anyone to do anything, you know?” Brendon says. There’s a change in his voice, a slight change, not too obvious to the ear but really obvious in other ways. His voice is not lower or deeper. It’s darker. Ryan feels the need to back up, and he knows the feeling well enough, he just doesn’t know exactly how to do it now. He swallows and laughs shortly.

“I… I bet you can, yeah,” he says. Because, hell. Brendon totally can, he’s sure about that.

“I’m allowing you to leave, though,” Brendon says softer this time, even though his voice doesn’t change. “Are you going to leave? Or are you going to stay?” He asks with a bit of a chuckle like he’s really enjoying himself here.

That’s a pretty good question, Ryan thinks. Mostly because he doesn’t know what’s the right answer.

“I think I’ll stay. But I won’t try to pass the sign, I promise,” he laughs, joking about it to see if he can relax a little and let go of the tension on his shoulders. He swallows again. “Just in case.”

“Smart boy,” Brendon laughs too, and when he does his voice gets a little lighter, a bit more when he clears his throat. “Out of danger is the best place to be, I guess.”

“It depends on the danger,” he says, shrugging. “But yeah, I can be smart too, sometimes,” he laughs. Brendon stays in silence for a few seconds, more than he usually does.

“Yeah… Well, this was the kind of danger you were smart enough to get out,” he says, laughing and making a sound with his throat, clicking his tongue. “Are you training today?” He asks suddenly, changing the subject completely.

“No. Well, yeah, I already did, I mean,” Ryan says. “But, like, just workout routine, no practice today. A couple of hours of gym. I just had a shower when I called you.”

“Cool. I should do that too. Have a shower, not working out. Having a kid is work out enough,” he laughs.” I’ve been running around the house the whole day and I smell nasty.”

“Having a kid is the same that _four_ hours of working out, so, you’re good,” he says, laughing a little. “I won’t hold you back, then. Take that shower and rest, you deserve it, super dad.”

“One day you should tell me the math you did to calculate the hours,” Brendon jokes. “Yeah, you’re probably right. She’s about to wake up anytime soon anyway. So, I’ll see you at the game, maybe?”

“Yeah, sure. See you there. And, you know, thanks for picking up the phone,” he jokes, laughing shortly. “Three unanswered calls would have been so lame.”

“Oh, you’re welcome,” Brendon laughs. “Thank you too for… not letting me go too far. I tend to forget I’m not a… kid anymore. See you soon, then. Bye, Ryan.”

“Who says you are not a kid?” Ryan jokes, laughing because he doesn’t really know what to say to that. He swallows and bites his bottom lip for a second. “Bye, Bren. See you.”

 

*

 

It _is_ an easy game, even though Ryan is not doing his best if he’s honest with himself. The thing is, he and Spencer are used to be mad at each other but they still manage to keep their connection inside the rink every time. Bob usually doesn’t even notice there’s something weird going on between them because they keep reading each other’s minds, playing as one while they are skating. So that’s not really the problem, although Ryan is still trying to talk to him and his friend is still ignoring him.

The problem is that he saw Brendon as soon as he skated into the rink, looking around and smiling to himself when he noticed him. And when he did, he found out Brendon wasn’t alone in there, a little detail he seemed to forget to mention when they talked about the game. Brendon is with the little princess, of course, but next to them there’s another man. A man with a big smile and a curious tendency to look at Brendon more than at the game. Yes, Ryan is very aware of this, which is why he’s not really as focused as he could be on the game.

He’s not playing bad, not at all, hockey is so inside him he doesn’t need to think about it to play it well, but he’s not being thoughtful about it. So he’s mostly being a little more aggressive than he normally is. He’s not doing it on purpose, he’s just mad, and high on adrenaline, and fucking jealous, yes. Ryan is jealous and he can’t control himself when he is like that. That’s why he ends up in the penalty box a couple of times and Tom has to get in the way before he gets a punch from one of the other players.

He doesn’t know who the guy is, or why he is here, but he doesn’t like the way he looks at Brendon or how he leans in way too close to talk to him. He doesn’t like the way Brendon laughs and smiles wide at him, or that he’s being that touchy with the man. Because that means they know each other. That means they’ve seen each other before. And that could mean things Ryan is not really prepared to face. Or accept. Deep inside him, he knows he doesn’t have any right to be jealous, that they’re done since a long time ago, that the only thing he should care about is Brendon’s happiness. But he can’t. He cares about Brendon’s happiness, of course, he does, but he doesn’t want him to find it with someone else.

They win anyway, of course, and they celebrate and Bob doesn’t look at him knowingly so Ryan guesses his behavior wasn’t as bad as he felt it. Tom notices, though, but he smiles like he actually enjoys it and just says something about Ryan being a little short tempered today when he hugs him. He doesn’t mention Brendon and his new plus one, but he doesn’t need to. Ryan just scowls and tells him to shut the fuck up, swearing while Tom skates away laughing. Spencer hugs him short, too, and he just says ‘good job’, but nothing else. No head bump, no hair ruffling, nothing. Ryan really wants to talk to him, but he has other things in mind right now.

He said he would see Brendon, and he’s going to keep his word, no matter who is sitting next to him. Also, if that guy plans on keeping that game of looks and smiles, Ryan is not going to make it easy for him. Two can play this game, and he doesn’t like to lose. If this is supposed to be the guy for Brendon, he’ll have to work for it. So Ryan does what he does best, he plans his strategy and goes straight for it, skating towards the wall as he takes off his helmet, making sure his smile is big enough for the guy to see it too.

Jon is the first to reach him, carrying Joanna on his shoulders. She waves her hands and calls Ryan’s name. Nascha looks excited too, jumping in Brendon’s arms. He and the other guy stay behind a little, and Brendon says something to him before they keep walking. They don’t stop smiling. In fact, they look happier, brighter.

“Great game, man!” Jon says. “You didn’t give them a break!”

“Yeah, bad day to bring the girls to watch it. Damn, you sure those are the right gloves for what you did? I think you should use mine next time,” Brendon jokes, and he looks at the guy when they both laugh, looking back at Ryan. “I don’t know if you remember him. Ryan, this is Will. Will, this is, well, you know who he is.”

“Oh, I know,” Will laughs. “I was there when it all started…” He says and Brendon elbows him, looking at him dirty.

“What did I tell you??” Brendon says and shakes his head, laughing then. “You’re worst than my one-year-old, and my dog. I can’t take you out without you embarrassing me. Next time I’ll put you on a leash,” he says and Will raises an eyebrow.

“You promise?” Will asks, and Brendon punches him in the chest but they both laugh like it’s so funny. Ryan doesn’t think it’s funny. Like, it was the worst joke ever. Too easy and obvious. He doesn’t laugh, but he keeps smiling because he promised himself he wasn’t going to punch anyone.

He needs a couple of seconds to remember who he is, and William’s words help him. He’s the guy Cassie introduced to Brendon all those years ago. That explains why Ryan doesn’t remember his face, he didn’t like him back then either.

“Oh, William. I didn’t recognize you at first,” he says, nodding at him as a greeting and smiling big at the girls as he keeps talking. “It wasn’t that harsh, Bren, you know I can do worse,” he says, getting closer to Jo to kiss her cheek. “Where are my two favorite ladies in the world? Did you like the game?” he asks, looking at Nasch, then.

“It was fun!” Joanna says, touching Ryan’s hair and laughing. “You’re all sweaty,” she giggles and Nascha laughs too just because. Ryan laughs this time, too.

“And stinky,” he adds, wrinkling his nose before looking at Brendon. “You had fun?”

“We had fun, right?” Brendon looks at Nascha and nods. “She screamed during the whole game. We’re gonna need noise canceling headphones too because of her,” he smiles.

“She gets really excited watching games, right, B? I bet you have a future player here,” William says and pinches Nascha’s cheek softly, making her laugh again. Ryan feels a rush of something running up his neck and he swallows hard, forcing himself to keep the smile on.

“Well, she has someone to teach her well, right, princess?” Ryan says, looking at Will for a moment and trying not to raise an eyebrow and flip him off. “Also, her dad is not bad at skating himself,” he adds, looking at Brendon with a smile.

“I have my moments,” Brendon shrugs. “I could be a great hockey player if I wanted…” He jokes, looking at Nascha. “Right, baby? Right? Would you be daddy’s fan? No way…” He laughs, looking at Ryan. “She’s lucky to have such nice role model here.”

Ross one, Will zero, he thinks, smiling and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. He stares back at Brendon and bites his lip.

“Thanks. I try my best,” he says. “And I didn’t punch that guy, so. I’m behaving.”

“Sure you are,” Brendon smirks and shakes his head, pursing his lips. He looks away then, even when he looks like he’s not finished. William looks at him and then at Ryan, smiling.

“I’m amazed, guys, and surprised you get along so well now. It’s admirable,” Will says. “Not a lot of people can be friends with their exes. Good for you, guys.”

Ryan looks at him and this time he doesn’t think he can hide how his features get sharper, not really losing the smile but not being so cool about it anymore. This guy knows nothing, and he talks about it like it’s something insignificant. Like they’re just like everybody else.

“Why wouldn’t we?” he asks, but he doesn’t really want an answer. “We’re good.”

“Just saying, man,” Will smiles. “You know, you looked like the kind of couple that…”

“Will.” Brendon looks at him and twists his lips, just shaking his head.

“Yeah. Sorry. Kinda lost it there, so not a nice topic to talk, right?” He laughs and puts his hand on Brendon’s back, rubbing it.

Ryan watches the gesture closely, feeling that rush again, tightening his jaw a little. He doesn’t know if they can feel the tension too, but he sure is tense as fuck. He wants to say it’s not his place to talk about that, but he gets to control himself and just stares at them, analyzing every touch. He knows Will or Jon won’t notice, but he also knows Brendon will if he is paying attention. He doesn’t care.

“Okay, so… We won’t hold you back any longer, I’m sure you’re eager to take a shower,” Brendon says, nodding and looking around at Will and Jon. “See you around?”

“Right. Of course,” he says, looking straight at Brendon this time. “I’ll call you one of these days,” he adds. He looks at him in the eyes, and he doesn’t really know what he’s trying to tell Brendon with his eyes, so Ryan doesn’t know if he understands.

“Sure. Say bye to Ryan, baby,” Brendon waves his hand and Nascha does too as they start walking away.

“Bye, princess,” Ryan waves his hand too, and he feels weird as he says goodbye, seeing the man he can’t get out of his mind walking away with another man and the family he always wanted. He really needs that shower to cool down his thoughts.

 

*

Thursday morning Ryan wakes up early so he can have a shower, have breakfast and walk the dogs before eight. He needs to go shopping and has an appointment with Cassie, and he must be home soon so he can make lunch for two. Tom is coming home and Ryan promised Patrick he would follow his diet, so he’s thankful they both keep the same diet and he doesn’t have to prepare two different dishes. Also, they have practice later and they need to be strict about the food today.

Tom gets there when Ryan’s finishing with dessert, cutting the fruit and putting it in two bowls. He brings them to the table and cleans his hands on the apron he’s wearing, saying hi and telling Tom to turn the tv on while he takes it off and gets the water. He doesn’t need to tell him anything else, the hockey channel is on when he’s back in the dining room.

“Man, would you cook for me if I paid you for it?” Tom asks with his mouth full, making Ryan laugh.

“No way. I would have to be in the kitchen 24/7. I don’t know why Patrick lets you eat this much, I swear to God,” he says, shaking his head.

“I need the energy,” Tom answers with his mouth full again, smiling.

“Gross,” Ryan says, making a face. “Turn up the volume, the Devils are winning.”

“Sure,” Tom says as Ryan starts eating. “Man, man. Have you heard about Morton?! What the fuck?”

“Hum,” Ryan nods, chewing as he does and swallowing before talking. “I saw it last night. I was really surprised.”

“Surprised is a fucking misunderstanding, dude. Like, that’s low. Why did he do that? It was really disappointing, to be honest, he clearly does it for the money.”

“I don’t know, man. He’s a legend. I don’t think he needs the money, he must be drowning in it,” Ryan answers, watching the game. The Devils are playing quite good this season, he really enjoys seeing them. They are all over the press for other reasons now, though, which is sad. Morton announced his retirement and the Devils offered him being the coach next season. Everyone thought he was going to say yes, of course, because he grew up playing with the Devils, but the surprise came when he said no and announced he was going to go to another club instead.

“Then, what? He fucking learned everything playing with the Devils, he’s who he is thanks to them. And now he just ditches them! That’s treasure, I’m telling you,” Tom accuses.

“We don’t know what happened there, he must have his reasons,” Ryan shrugs.

“No, no. There’s no reason to do that. That team was everything to him during his whole career. They offered him the possibility of staying there even if he wasn’t playing anymore. And he says no to them to go coach _another team,_ ” Tom shakes his head, clearly offended by this. “That’s dirty. Really dirty. It’s. It’s like you! You are playing for the Hounds since forever, would you say no if they offered and then go and say yes to, I don’t know, the Kings?!”

Ryan laughs, he finds funny the way Tom seems really mad about something that has nothing to do with him.

“I wouldn’t say yes to either of them,” he says. “Too much responsibility. What I’m saying is that I get is not what we’re used to seeing, but he must have his reasons. Did you see his face when he said he was retiring? He was fucking devastated. He really loves the team. Maybe, I don’t know, he thinks he’s going to fuck up and he prefers doing it with a team he’s not emotionally connected with,” Ryan says and he laughs when Tom looks at him deadly serious.

“A traitor, that’s what he is,” he says. Ryan laughs again, shaking his head and grabbing his bowl of fruit.

“Okay, I’ll be careful not to be around you if I do the same,” he jokes. Tom points at him as a warning, this time waiting until he swallows the food before talking.

“Don’t you dare, Ross. I’ll kill you,” he says, making Ryan laugh more.

They get their attention back to the game again, talking about the Devils and their play, the past games, and the next ones. They finish eating and still have a couple of hours before they have to go, so they just lean back on the couch, the hockey still on.

“Dude, I gotta say… that guy Gólubev, I swear to God I’m in love with the way he plays. Look at him, look!” He points at the tv, where Nikolay Góbulev smiles as his teammates hug him after he scores. Ryan makes a sound as he swallows the strawberry, nodding. “He plays like it’s so easy.”

“He plays like he was born to it, that motherfucker,” Ryan agrees. “I would totally fuck the way he plays. No, what the fuck, I’d totally fuck him, never mind the lack of teeth,” he says, making Tom laugh abruptly. “No, no, I’m serious. He plays so perfect I’d fuck him just because of that,” he laughs too.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s six feet tall and he has wild features and big arms,” he says, and Ryan looks at him with a raised eyebrow and half a smile.

“I see you took a good look,” he jokes and Tom tries to change his face and make it look like it’s not like that, but Ryan can’t help but see something else in there. Tom just rolls his eyes though, flipping him off and smiling like he just thought about it.

“Now that you talk about it…,” he starts, looking at Ryan. “Have you?”

“Have I what?” he asks, totally lost with the change in the conversation.

“You know… Fucked someone in the NHL,” he says, lowering his voice as if someone would hear them. Ryan bursts out laughing.

“Are you really asking me that?!” He says, shaking his head. “No, man, I’m not telling you that.”

“What? Why? Come ooon, I won’t tell anyone!” Tom says, hitting him on his arm.

“I don’t care what you say, I won’t tell you,” he repeats, shaking his head. “Sorry, dude. That’d be mean.”

“You’re boring,” Tom says, letting himself fall back against the couch. Ryan laughs but doesn’t say anything, and Tom looks like he’s going to add something, but he stays silent for a few seconds, hesitating while Ryan looks at him sideways. “How…,” he starts, clearing his throat and not looking at Ryan as he tries again. “You know, how did you know? That you liked…”

“Cock?” Ryan asks, smiling big when he sees his friend’s face. Tom looks like he’s really uncomfortable with this but really interested at the same time. “Dunno. I just knew I guess,” he shrugs. “Like, I’m interested since I’m interested in sex. The moment I started to look at girls different, I started to look at boys different, too.”

“So you didn’t need, like, a revelation,” Tom says, looking at him. Ryan can say there’s more than he’s saying, but he’s not going to push it. Tom will get there. “You didn’t need to, like, I don’t know, kiss a guy as a joke to realize you liked it.”

“Nope,” he says. “I was pretty sure I liked it when I did it for the first time,” he adds. He waits for Tom to say anything else, but he can’t control himself when he sees Tom doesn’t talk. “Why do you ask?”

“No, no reason,” he shrugs, but he does this gesture he always does when he lies. “Just curious.”

“Curious about my story with men? Or… curious about men?” He asks, watching him closely. Tom laughs a little, and Ryan knows him enough to know he’s nervous. He can’t help but smile wider. “I see…”

“It’s just. I’ve been…” he makes a gesture, trying to finish the sentence with his hands.

“Confused?” Ryan asks.

“Yes! Like, I never. I never thought about it. But sometimes just… Sometimes I see…”

“Men,” Ryan finishes, smiling.

“Yeah, men. And I just. I look at them. Like, really _look_.”

“Should I start covering myself in the locker room?” Ryan asks, laughing when Tom looks at him asking for help with his eyes. “Kidding, kidding. Look, don’t fight it. There’s nothing wrong with it. If you wanna look, look. And if you wanna try, try. And if you realize you don’t like it, cool. And if you do… don’t you fucking get close to Brendon,” he threatens, laughing when Tom does too, loud.

“Dude!”

“No! I see you, man!” he says, and Tom laughs more, shaking his head. They laugh a few more, and Tom seems more relaxed about it like he’s relieved somehow. Ryan’s glad he could help about that.

“What about that, by the way? How are you two going?” Tom asks, lifting an eyebrow. Ryan shrugs.

“What about what? We’re just… catching up. Like, being friends, I guess,” he says. Tom laughs a little.

“Friends. And how’s that working for you, huh? Cause you didn’t seem to act as a friend when he brought that guy to the game,” he says, mocking Ryan.

“Shut up,” he answers, looking at his friend and sighing when Tom looks back at him waiting for an explanation. “Okay, okay. Maybe I’m not good at that being friends thing. We… flirt, sometimes. I think we do.”

“But you haven’t fucked yet,” Tom assumes, frowning. “Why do you flirt, then? I mean, you do want to fuck him, right? You were jealous as fuck the other day,” he laughs. Ryan throws his cushion at him.

“I don’t know, man. Like. Of course, I want to fuck him. But at the same time I don’t,” he says, falling back on the couch with a sigh. “He’s Brendon. I still… It hurt a lot, everything, and what I really wish is to come back where we were before everything went to shit. If we fuck but he doesn’t want to be… whatever, maybe it would be worse. Maybe it’s not good for me to fuck him knowing we’re not going to be together anyway, right? But at the same time, it’s like, it’s just fucking! But it wouldn’t because it’s Brendon,” he explains, looking at Tom when he finishes and laughing when he sees his friend’s face. He looks like Ryan talked to him in Russian.

“Why do you think so _much_?” He asks suddenly, totally perplexed. “What? You just saw him again after three years and you’re already thinking about marrying and having kids? Why so fast? Live a little, man. If you waste your time thinking about what would happen ‘if’, you’ll never really know because you won’t do anything about it!” He says, shaking his head and pointing at him. “You think a lot, but have you thought about seeing it as an opportunity? Like, you’re both different now, it’s been a lot. Maybe that’s exactly what you need, starting again, seeing where it gets you both. Forget about the past and act as if you just met him. Would you fuck him, then? Because the Ryan I know _would_.”

Ryan opens his mouth to talk but stops, thinking about Tom’s words. He’s been tiptoeing around this thing since he found Brendon again, afraid of losing him or getting hurt somehow. He’s been trying to control himself and pretend they’re just friends, but he’s been unable to stop himself from flirting or treating Brendon like he always did, too. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, and now that he thinks about it he realizes that’s stopping him from knowing what he wants to do.

“I… guess I wanted to be mature about it. Like,” he says, biting his lip. “I thought that staying back and being his friend despite of what I feel about him was the right thing to do.”

“But you don’t want to be just friends,” Tom says. Ryan shakes his head and his friend laughs. “Fuck being mature, dude! Were you being mature when you decided to kiss him in front of fucking everyone at the Stanley Cup? Follow your instinct, man, it never fails you.”

And yeah, that sounds kind of right. Maybe Ryan should do it. Maybe he’s overthinking this thing too much and he should just do whatever the fuck he pleases. Ryan doesn’t like the idea of losing Brendon again now that he has him back somehow, but the truth is he doesn’t think he can play to this let’s be friend game for much longer. Ryan always gave in to his impulses; maybe he will do it this time, too.


	7. Brothers

He decides to follow his instinct with Spencer too, and since he’s not answering his calls or calling him back or even talking to him other than hockey when they see each other, the only thing he can do is going to his place. He knows Spencer, and he knows sooner or later they have to talk about this, they always find a way to sort things out.

Ryan doesn’t like this situation, they used to fight a lot since they were young, but it was always a matter of hours before they were talking as if nothing happened. They only really had rough fights when Brendon came into his life, and now it is the same. Ryan hates feeling like he’s disappointing his brother, like there’s something broken between them, and he’s not going to allow it. He knows Spencer will have to talk to him when he gets there, so he’s not going to give up, Ryan will go to his place and he’s not going to leave until they are back to normal again.

He drives to Spencer’s without thinking about what he’s going to say. He’s nervous because he’s afraid this has gone too far and they are not going to be able to fix things this time, but Ryan’s going to try anyway, so when he gets to his door he breathes in a couple of times and raises his hand.

Ryan knocks and waits, rubbing his palms on his jeans and looking around the place in the meantime. They don’t open the door immediately. It’s a huge house, Ryan understands, but that doesn’t make it more bearable. When the door finally opens, it’s Spencer’s face what greets him. Spencer’s face, not Spencer’s voice, because you can’t count a groan and an eye roll as a greeting.

“Hey, man,” Ryan says. He decides he’s going to be cool about all this. “It’s good to see you, too,” he smiles, waiting for his friend to invite him in.

“Sure. Does you coming here mean you’ve changed your mind?” Spencer asks abruptly, not playing around. It’s Spencer, after all, he’s known for his boldness. Ryan looks up at him, sighing and lifting an eyebrow.

“You’re gonna close the door if I didn’t?” He asks, not really knowing what his friend is going to answer. Spencer rolls his eyes again and sighs, frustrated. There’s something else, though. Something that feels like resignation.

“My mom would kill me if she knew I did that…” he finally says, opening the door wider and moving to the side. He doesn’t invite Ryan in verbally, but it’s something. Ryan smiles small and walks in, looking at Spencer briefly as he comes into the house.

“Thanks. She totally would, and I was going to play the mom card but it wasn’t necessary it seems,” he jokes.

“She would also slap you if she knew what you’re doing,” Spencer says, frowning at Ryan, although he reconsiders his words because his mom is to Spencer like God is to Christians. He can’t take her name in vain. “Okay, she wouldn’t slap you. But I’m sure she would ground you. Well, she would ground _me_ , that’s for sure if I was you. You, on the other hand, who knows… Fucking golden boy.”

Ryan laughs because he knows that’s true. Ginger always treated him like he was the best kid on earth, even when he deserved to be grounded. She was an angel, and Spencer always called him that when they were teenagers because he was the one being grounded about everything they both did.

“ _You_ would slap me. Which, you know, you have the right to do,” he says honestly as he walks into the living room and sits on the couch. “I’m not gonna stop you.”

“I can’t slap you just like that, I’m not a monster!” Spencer says, throwing his hands in the air like he actually hates he can’t slap Ryan just like that. “But start talking and I might get to the point, don’t worry. Because you came here to talk, _of course_ ,” he stresses. “You didn’t come to say I was right and you were stupid. Life is not that good to me.”

“Actually, I didn’t say you were wrong, you know? You’re right and I’m stupid. But,” he says, smiling a bit and looking at Spencer. “I came here to see if you wouldn’t ignore me that way despite that.”

“Ross…” Spencer brings a hand to his face and rubs. “What are you doing? Honestly, why do you keep putting yourself in situations where you will get hurt sooner or later? Thank God you don’t translate that attitude to hockey because we’d be fucked.”

“I…” he says, sighing and biting his lip. “You don’t want me to answer that question, man. The thing is, you once told me, you know, when we were young and even more stupid,” he laughs a little. “When I was going to college and you were going to live your dream because you were too good at hockey to be a student, you told me not to think for a second you were going to stop having my back. Because I was too stupid to take care of myself, you said,” he smiles, looking at his friend with a knowing look. “So you have to keep that promise. Even though I’m being too selfish asking you to do it…”

“Son of a bitch…” Spencer mutters under his breath, pointing at Ryan then with an accusing finger. “You’re playing dirty!”

“You gave me no choice! You have never ignored me for so long,” he says, trying not to smile because he knows he has him again. He should feel bad being this selfish, but he really needs Spencer right now. And forever, to be honest.

“You asked for it! I never ignored you for so long?? Well, you never ditched me for pussy before! For cock. Whatever,” Spencer bats his hand, shaking his head. “I’m your fucking best friend and the moment that physio came in you fucking forgot about me! About everything! You never listened, you never cared, you were so fucking blind and all it mattered was _BrendonBrendonBrendon_ ,” he says, making a stupid voice. “And now he’s back, so I wonder what the hell do you need me for? It’s not like you did before.”

“That’s not true,” Ryan frowns, more serious now after Spencer’s words. “That’s. I always need you, man. You’re my brother. I never stopped needing you, Brendon didn’t change that, and he never would,” he says.

“Bullshit,” Spencer says, and he frowns too. “You changed. And I don’t know if you’re blind or you think I’m blind, or maybe you have some problem of memory loss, but you fucking forgot about me _big time_ while you were with him.”

“I didn’t forget about you. You two weren’t the best friends in the world, so yeah, I didn’t spend as much time with you as I did before that, but that doesn’t mean I forgot. That doesn’t mean you were less important to me because that’s not it,” Ryan says, swallowing and remembering he has to talk about his feelings. He’s learning to do that. “You’re my family, Spence. You know that. You are my only family and it was hard enough knowing I couldn’t have both you and him as much as I wanted. I’m not turning this against you. That’s not my intention. Maybe I made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean you stopped being important for me because of that.”

“Jesus, you sure are blind,” Spencer shakes his head and looks at Ryan like he can’t believe his words. “Ryan, you fucking disappeared from my life! The whole time you were with him, since you outed yourself that day when we won the Stanley Cup, you drifted away from me farther and farther away each day. Of course I didn’t like the guy at first, and I’m not even going to talk about how I was fucking right about him but did I ever have the chance to like him?? How the fuck am I gonna like a guy who takes my best friend away from me?” Spencer blinks fast like he’s remembering things by the second. “It came to the point where we just saw each other at work, we just talked to each other at fucking work. The whole problem with you PR happened and I found out by _the press_! You even stopped talking to me when I told you I knew the guys were making bets to see if you’d fuck her or not, and I wasn’t even in!! And yeah, I get you were mad I didn’t tell you, with everything going on, but _I didn’t know what was going on_. ‘Cause you didn’t tell me. ‘Cause you fucking shut me out of your life. You only called when you had no one else to call. When everybody left. And, after all, I answered. So give me a little credit, will you? I’m not the bad one here. You have to blame too.”

“I called you when I needed you despite everything you always threw at my face. I shut you out of my life? Why the fuck did I do that? Why did I stop talking to you about my life even though I did want to do it? Maybe because Brendon was part of it back then, and you were pretty clear you didn’t want to know shit about him,” he starts, feeling a little shocked about everything Spencer said. “You know? I didn’t know you felt like that. The only thing I knew was that every time I mentioned Brendon you got this face telling me you didn’t want to hear about it. You never stopped telling me how stupid I was being, and don’t fucking tell me you were right. You never believed in our relationship, you didn’t like it and you never asked how did that make me feel. Because I felt obligated to push you away in order to not being hurt by the only person I thought I would always have beside me no matter what. That’s how I saw it,” he says, shaking his head and frowning. “You think it was fine not having you there to talk when I didn’t know what the hell I had to do? Or when I just felt like having a couple of beers with my best friend? Well, no, it wasn’t perfect for me either.”

“You. Knew. Him. For. _MONTHS_ ,” Spencer screams, fisting his hands and clenching his jaw. “You fell in love with a guy and suddenly you thought he’d put the stars on the sky, and wanted the rest of the world to feel that way too! But he was a fucking stranger!! ‘Stranger, danger’, Ryan, did your mom ever teach you that? Did _my mom_ ever teach you that? Because that’s what that guy was for me, a fucking stranger! And you didn’t fucking understand it, you didn’t understand I couldn’t see him the way you did because _I didn’t know him AT ALL!_ Of course, I didn’t like him! Who do I like the first time I meet?? Damn, I didn’t even like Linda at first, it took me two fucking years to trust her! And you expected me to just smile and accept my best fucking friend wanted to put his life upside down for a guy who he just met?? Jesus Christ… Maybe you’ve been thinking a lot about how I never put myself in your place but did you?? Did you ever try to see my point of view? Because it’s true, Ryan, I promised I would always look after you, but that’s because you _are_ stupid. And maybe if you had listened to me just a little this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe, if you had given you both a little time to adjust, to know each other, to live in each other’s lives, this wouldn’t have happened. And maybe he’d still be here with you.”

Ryan was thinking about his answer as Spencer talked, but he forgets about everything the moment those last words leave his mouth. They are like knives cutting his thoughts right away, leaving him breathless and frozen in the spot. He doesn’t know what he was going to say anymore, he just feels his throat closing a little and he looks away from his friend to try and get a hold on himself, swallowing. Ryan doesn’t know how long it takes for him to answer, but when he does he hears himself like he’s miles away from that house.

“I only expected a bit of support,” he says, and he makes a face when his voice breaks a little and his eyes get a bit blurred, breathing in and clenching his jaw. “That’s all. I don’t expect you to understand now. And I’m sorry if I disappointed you that much. If you’re done telling me everything you need to say, I’d like to know where does that leaves us now.”

“Dude, fuck you, you don’t get to play the victim with me, that doesn’t work and you should already know it. You expected support, well, I expected understanding. I guess neither of us got what they wanted. You didn’t disappoint me, you just made me fucking mad, like you’ve made me mad fucking hundred time before, but you never went away. Until you did. You never… fucking left me,” Spencer says, tearing up the words from his throat. “And now I’ve done the same to you, so you tell me if it hurts. Does it hurt? Huh? Wouldn’t you prefer us fighting over shit than just not talking to each other? ‘Cause that’s what you fucking did to me,” he sniffs and looks away, huffing like a bull and closing his eyes. “I don’t have to tell you where this leaves us. You tell me. You tell me because it’s you who’s brought this game to us. I don’t know how to fucking play.”

Ryan rubs his face and looks away, moving his eyes from the couch to the window and to the small table but not really seeing anything at all. He wants to say it fucking does hurt, just like everything Spencer said to him three years ago. He has a special way to hurt him every time, but the truth is maybe Ryan hurts him too. Maybe Ryan should stop thinking about how much Spencer hurts him and start thinking about how much he needs him despite that.

“I came here because I don’t want you away from me,” he says, his voice a little hoarse and his eyes fixed on his own hands. “I need you in my life. I need my brother. And I’m not playing the victim or trying to manipulate you or whatever you think I’m doing. I’m being honest,” he says, still not looking at Spencer. “I’m. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Spencer doesn’t say anything for a minute. He doesn’t look at Ryan either. Ryan can only hear his breath, hard, fast. When he moves it’s like they’re back in the rink, he approaches Ryan so fast Ryan can’t even catch him with the corner of his eye, he just feels the hit in his chest where Spencer grabs his shirt, pulling at him violently until they both crash. It feels like a fight until Spencer wraps his arms around Ryan’s back, tight, maybe too much but that’s how Spencer hugs. Ryan closes his eyes and hugs him back hard, feeling his relief running down his cheek.

“Shut the fuck up,” he mutters and presses Ryan tighter between his arms. “I should have liked cock too, goddammit, so this wouldn’t have happened,” he says, and it’s not clear if he’s joking or not because his voice is serious but he’s laughing too, in a way only Spencer knows how to do. Ryan laughs too, short and breathy.

“You’re saying you’d be in love with me, Smith?” He says, tightening his grip a little.

“No, I told you to shut the fuck up, are you deaf too?” Spencer answers, hitting the back of Ryan’s head with his hand. “Also I don’t need to be in love to give you a hot dicking, Ross.”

“And here I was thinking you were the romantic one…” he answers, pulling back with a smile and cleaning his face before looking at his friend. “This means you’re sorry, too?” he jokes.

“Don’t push it,” Spencer warns, but he smiles too, punching Ryan’s shoulder. “I’ll tolerate whatever you’re doing with the physio now. Just…” he makes a face, pressing his lips together. “Be fucking careful!” He says, shaking his head and rolling up his eyes. “Or not. Fuck it, you’re not gonna listen anyway. Use a condom at least. Don’t get him pregnant. I don’t know, Ross. Whatever.”

Ryan laughs a little but he makes a face at the same time, looking down at his feet because, well, not happening at all. Not that he would want that, actually. Not _just_ that. It’s not what he’s doing, even though he doesn’t know what he’s doing at all.

“It’s not like that,” he says, twisting his lips and shrugging. “We’re just friends. He’s… looking for his right one, I guess. He’s trying, at least.”

“What? You mean you’re not boning him? For real??” Spencer asks like he’s really surprised. “All this shit and you’re not even fucking the guy? Who are you??”

Ryan sighs and shakes his head, but he can’t help smiling a little before looking at his friend.

“This might surprise you, but I didn’t really feel like fucking the guy just because,” he says. This conversation makes him think about the one he had with Tom about this very same thing. “Also, even if I did, I don’t think he’d want to, so. No. It’s not like that.”

“Oh, he wants to,” Spencer laughs like he knows shit he doesn’t because he can’t. “I don’t know about ‘the one’ but he wants to fuck you. And, man…” He looks like he’s going to say something else, but then he just stops. Ryan shakes his head again.

“Don’t say it,” he says, warning him with his eyes. “We’re not… _we_ , anymore. So. That’s it.”

“So? It’s sex. And pretty good sex if you were telling the truth every time you talked about it. And you’re saying you wouldn’t put out if the physio wanted cock just because you can’t hold his hand and play daddies with him?”

“Don’t. Don’t do that,” he makes a face. “I’m not in that… position. Okay, bad choice of words. What I mean is,” he sighs, looking at his friend. “Maybe fucking him would only hurt me more. I preferred not to get that close and personal if it’s not going to get where I would want it to get, you know? Let me be mature about this,” he adds, but he can feel he’s not as sure as he was before about this whole ‘being mature’ thing.

“Okay, man. Sure,” Spencer holds up his hands and shrugs. “It’s your life. It’s good you know the direction you want it to go.”

“Yeah, I guess. I think he’s gonna try with a guy Cassie introduced to him,” he says, trying to sound casual about it. He’d lie if he said he doesn’t want to talk shit about Will with someone.

“Try what?” Spencer asks. “Dating or fucking?” He laughs like Ryan just said something funny. “Do you know the guy?”

“Yeah. Just saw him a couple of times, though. Back when we were… whatever. And at last game,” he says, shrugging. “And I don’t know. Maybe both or just fucking. I don’t think William wants just fucking, though,” he adds, sounding a little bitter. “But. Anyway, whatever.”

“Yeah, I see. _Whatever_ ,” Spencer nods, laughing, probably at him. But then he stops laughing and just looks at Ryan, making a face Ryan doesn’t know how to read. “So that’s good, huh? If that William guy wants something more. Since, you know, you’re not interested…” He says, and then he adds. “‘Cause you’re clearly not interested. Right?”

“What does it matter?” Ryan says, avoiding answering and falling back on the couch, looking anywhere but Spencer. “Brendon’s not. And William wanting something more doesn’t surprise me at all… I guess he’s not that bad,” he adds. And it’s not he doesn’t think that, the problem is William actually could be good, which is bad.

“It matters, to be honest,” Spencer says, unexpectedly. “You just said you don’t want to fuck him ‘cause that could hurt you and all that shit. You don’t want to try anything else because Urie is not interested in you that way, but you’re seeing him fool around with some other guy I’m sure you could beat the shit of in every sense and you’re cool with it, or so you’re trying to sell me, because I must tell you, Ross, I’m not buying it.” He says, shaking his head. “I just don’t get it. Like, why the hell are you still there? If you don’t want to fuck him because it’d hurt that means seeing him fuck someone else will hurt too. If you’re not going to do anything to stop that, why are you staying there? To just be friends? Really? You think you’d be happy like that? Are you so miserable you’re lying that much to yourself?”

“I can totally beat the shit out of him,” Ryan says, looking at Spencer confused and raising an eyebrow. “Are you telling me I should try to get between them and win him back?” He asks, and he must be really wrong, he knows. It can’t be possible.

“Actually, I’m saying the opposite. I think you should step away and let the guy have his way with Urie while you live your life for once, instead of staying there just watching like a cuckold. Sometimes it really looks like you’re into pain and shit, man.”

That sounds more like Spencer, Ryan thinks. And he actually laughs a little, shaking his head because, well, he still surprises himself being stupid sometimes. He does so he doesn’t get bored. Also, Spencer last words are funny somehow.

“You would be surprised…” he mutters under his breath, looking up at his friend. “Yeah, you’re probably right. But I’m not that good at doing what I should, right?” He adds, not really wanting to get into this too much. He decides he wants to change the topic, Spencer is not going to be helpful anyway. And Ryan guesses his friend deserves a break after all. “So, anyway. What about you, huh? When are you and Linda going to make me a godfather?”

“You’re so bad at changing subjects,” Spencer laughs, but Ryan knows he’s in the moment his face changes. “We’re working on it, man. I promise. I’m giving my best.”

“What? You don’t have that aim you have while playing for everything else?” he jokes, smiling crookedly at his friend.

“Maybe my wife is a really good goalkeeper,” Spencer jokes, too. “What? Are you that anxious to have a baby to care about? Dad instinct kicking it much?”

“Shut up,” he answers, but he knows it’s pretty much true. “But yeah, you need to give me a little Ryan running around the house. You know, because he’ll be named after the best uncle ever.”

“He’ll be named Spencer, just like his father, just like my father, and just like five generations before him. Get your own kid!” Spencer laughs, clearly enjoying the thought. He wrinkles his nose then, looking at Ryan. “That kid, though… You know, Urie’s kid. You’ve noticed it too, right? How much she looks like… Like, what the fuck, man? Did he keep some stained underwear or what?”

“Man, come on!” Ryan says, wrinkling his nose too and laughing a little. The laugh dies soon, though, because he did notice. He sighs and shrugs. “Yeah, I. I know. I mean, it’s just coincidence, you know? Like, the mom was native, so,” he explains, clearing his throat.

“Uhum. That’s not creepy at all…” Spencer laughs like he just told a joke. He makes a face, though, scratching his nose. “Look… I wasn’t gonna tell you this since you so quickly changed subjects and I’m not… I don’t like what I’m gonna say, but what the hell, I’ve never known how to shut up.” Spencer sighs, and he really looks like he’s fighting himself on this. “Just, listen. Do what you need to do. You’re clearly not going away because you’re that dumb, so… jump in already. You’re gonna do it sooner or later, you know it, I know it, everybody knows it. Jump in, head first, and see what happens. Like… are you really gonna let that random dude win? For real?”

Ryan stays still for a moment, wondering if he has jumped into a parallel universe somehow and he didn’t realize as he stares at his friend, blinking a couple of times. Maybe he’s so old he’s already deaf. Or maybe he’s losing his mind and he’s having hallucinations.

“Um. Are you the same guy that told me to step away just three minutes ago? Did I miss something in between?” He asks, laughing a little incredulous and lifting an eyebrow.

“No. I am the same guy, and I still think that’s what you _should_ do! But are you? Is there a possibility that you come to your senses and just step away? Be honest.”

“I’m stepping away. Like, I’m not telling him not to see that guy. I’ll be just… around,” he says, and he just needs to look at Spencer’s face to know that’s not the right answer. He sighs. “No. I’m not going to.”

“So stop fucking around, man, really, you’re making me nervous. If you’re gonna fuck up, fuck up already, if you’re gonna leave, leave already. If I was Urie I’d have slapped you already, like, make up your mind, dude!” Spencer throws his arms in the air. “I don’t give a fuck about that dude, but it’s… uncomfortable seeing you pining. And you’re pining. I rather him telling you to fuck off and send you to therapy again so you can finally be over him or… or _the other option_ , than seeing you miserable for the rest of your life.”

Ryan didn’t expect that. It seems like Spencer still can surprise him, too. He has to say he thinks about it. When his friend says it like that Ryan really thinks he could do it, he could ask Brendon, he could tell him what he still feels about him, what he wants, he shouldn’t assume he’s not interested just because it’s been three years and he has a new life. Ryan’s still there, isn’t him? But somehow it’s not that easy. Maybe because he’s too selfish to lose him again if Brendon doesn’t feel the same.

“Um. I… I don’t know, man,” he says, sighing. “Like, I see your point. And I have to say I’m glad you’re willing to support me like that even though you hate him,” he smiles at him, wrinkling his nose, then. “But it’s… complicated. He’s not alone now. There’s a little one involved and that’s. She’s the most important thing in his life, he’s not going to make a decision just because. And I get it. I’d do the same.”

Spencer frowns and looks at him like he’s not really getting him or like he’s getting him too much.

“And that Will guy could do it much better than you with the kid? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Hell, no,” he says too fast, thinking about it then and frowning a little. “Well, I haven’t got very good examples of parenting… But, anyway. It’s not that. But maybe Brendon can just fuck around with that guy with no more implications. That’s not what I’m asking.”

“You really like to complicate things, don’t you?” Spencer asks, and there’s a hint of a smile in his voice. Maybe he thinks this is funny. Or maybe he’s pitying Ryan. “Do you plan on finding out or are you cool just staying in your lane and making assumptions?”

“I didn’t think about it! But now you’re making me hesitate!” He says, throwing his arms at the air. He can’t believe it’s Spencer telling him this. “ _You_! Like. You are confusing me,” he laughs a little, biting his lip.

“ _I_ am confusing you??” Spencer opens his eyes wide. “You’re exasperating! Jesus, I take it back what I said about liking cock. I would _never_ have a relationship with you, you’re the worst partner I could ever imagine. And I take back everything else too! Do whatever you want. Suffer and pine and complain about not having what you want for the rest of your life! But, please, don’t tell me. Or I swear to God I’ll end up punching you.”

“Okaaaay, Jesus, chill,” Ryan says, holding back a laugh because he finds funny Spencer’s reaction, he doesn’t know why. “Thank you for caring that much about me, Spence. Actually, you’d love me like crazy. And I’d be the best man in your life, just so you know,” he jokes, laughing a little and staring at his friend, talking again after a few seconds. “You’re right. I have no right to complain if I don’t try. It just didn’t… I was really afraid of trying, okay? But yeah, maybe. Maybe I should. Maybe I will,” he nods, and he’s being honest. Maybe he could actually say something. Just, take it easy, slow. tell him or just see where it goes, like Tom said. Whatever. He doesn’t know. Something.

“Of course...” Spencer closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing. “Just, do me a favor? If this goes wrong… then it’s over. It’s over for real. And you’d really try to keep on with your life this time, forgetting about him.”

“Okay,” he says in a small voice. He takes a few seconds to answer because he doesn’t know what to say to that. But he guesses he owes that much to Spencer. At least he could try. Ryan doesn’t think he hasn’t kept on with his life these years, just that his life changed. But he gets where it comes from. Cassie told him something similar, too. Maybe he really is kidding himself about this moving on thing.

“Look, let’s make a deal,” Spencer says, getting more serious now. “If this doesn’t work out, you promise to forget about it for real now. _But_. If this does work out… I promise I’ll give you my blessing. And I won’t complain or talk shit even if I think it. And I’ll be your best man if you end up marrying the guy. Deal?” He asks, offering Ryan his hand. Ryan feels his smile opening wide on his face and he shakes his hand, but he can feel a bit of nostalgia too because he wishes that could happen but he doesn’t have too much faith on it.

“Deal,” he says, anyway, smiling at his friend. “You’d have to because I’d even have a daughter and she would need someone to give her new skates on her birthdays,” he laughs, swallowing a little. Spencer looks at him, not judging him, but staring, like he’s reading something on his face.

“You really like that kid, don’t you?” He asks, softening his face. “It’s like… It’s like you found out Urie had been pregnant when he left, and now you have a daughter. ‘Cause you can’t fool me, Ross. I’ve known you for years. You feel that kid like she’s yours.”

“Probably too much…” he admits, making a face and looking down. “Yeah. I’m stupid and an idiot and really dumb. I know.”

“I don’t know, man… I wouldn’t say you’re dumb. Not about this. You’re dumb about him, that’s for sure, but I understand how you might feel about the kid…” Spencer makes a face, sighing. “I don’t know, maybe you should talk about it. I’m not sure if with him or with Elisa, but you should. Just to see if there’s a way to work it out.”

“More like talk about it with Elisa… I will. I’ll probably see her soon, anyway, so. Yeah,” he sighs again, looking at his friend. “She’s just. Everything I wanted, you know? I know we were too… new, but I was so ready, man. So fucking ready to have a life with him I couldn’t believe myself. And now it’s like these three years didn’t happen and they are just what I wanted back then and still want. But they did happen, and I don’t know. It’s… a weird feeling. Because I have no right. She’s not my kid. But God, I… It’s weird,” he repeats, not finishing the previous sentence because the words are mixing in his head.

“You can’t choose how you feel about the kid. Parenting is not about blood, you know that.” Spencer stops for a second, twisting his lips. “My mom always felt you like another one of her kids. And I always felt you like a brother. It just happens, and no matter what, no matter if we don’t see each other ever again, you’ll always be my brother and you’ll always be my mom’s kid. No matter what. So… I don’t know, man. Maybe that kid doesn’t have your blood, but… you know,” Spencer says, stopping before he says something else.

“I feel her like she does, yeah,” he says, laughing a little because he’s so fucked. “Which is really stupid if you think I’ve seen her, like, four times top? I don’t know, man. Feelings were never my strong point, you know that,” he says, breathing in hard. “So. I guess I’ll deal with it the best I can.”

“Just in case, I want to tell you… You feeling her like your kid doesn’t mean you _have to_ feel Urie like anything, okay? Like, my mom never had the hots for your dad,” Spencer says, laughing. “Maybe you can be her godfather. You know if she has one already?”

“Wait, I’m still trying to forget what you said about your mom and my dad,” he says, laughing. He shrugs when he stops. “I wish I didn’t feel Brendon like I do. Well, that’s actually a lie. I know it doesn’t mean that… but I love him, man. That didn’t change one bit. Kid or not,” he says, smiling innocently at him.

“Then stop fooling yourself already, go fucking get him,” Spencer says, and he actually makes a grimacing face. “Jesus, I’m so gonna regret this…”

Ryan laughs a little, wrinkling his nose.

“I hope you do, man… But I prefer not to get my hopes up,” he says.

“I’ll get mine, then. But, really. I want to see you happy, man. For real.”

Ryan smiles again. He really loves his brother.

 

*

Wednesday after practice Ryan has to see Cassie, and he doesn’t think he has ever wanted to see her this bad because his neck is killing him. He’s been having this constant ache for days and not even hot water can do anything about it anymore, so he can’t wait for Cassie to put her hands on him. While he waits in the locker room, he checks his mail and sends a message to his father asking how is he doing. He doesn’t expect an answer, but it has become a weird habit. When Cassie’s done with his teammate Leko, he stands up and walks into her office.

“Hi, Cas,” he smiles, letting his bag fall to the floor and walking towards the stretcher, pulling on his shirt to take it off.

“Let’s do it, huh? I see you’re in need,” she says, and she immediately puts her hands to work.

Sometimes it’s like Cassie knows exactly what he needs, or maybe she does know. She’s the physio, at last, she probably can see where Ryan is hurting just looking at him. Cassie focuses on Ryan’s neck and upper back, and she doesn’t talk much while she does everything she can to soften his muscles.

“My neck has been killing me the whole week,” Ryan says anyway, groaning. ”What the hell is wrong with it?”

“You’re not a machine, Ryan. Of course it hurts, you work hard enough to make your whole body ache. But don’t worry, they pay me to make you feel better,” she smiles.

“I know you will,” he says, laughing a little. “I’m getting old, Cas. Soon you will have to give me massages every day,” he jokes.

“Then I’ll do it, as long as they pay me,” she jokes too. “I guess I shouldn’t ask for the favor I was going to ask you, then. You should rest.”

“What favor? What do you need?” He asks, closing his eyes and feeling the muscles resist. They’re hard to relax today. She just shakes her head.

“It doesn’t matter. You know, the usual,” she laughs, working harder on his muscles. “We thought about going out our next free day, but you should be able to enjoy it too, so babysitting is not the best for that,” Cassie says, shaking her head. “We’ll find someone else. It’s not a problem.”

“Hey, no, come on,” Ryan says, smiling. “It’s no problem, you know that. I have no plans, so. I’ll take care of little Jo. You know I love spending time with her and last time we had a lot of fun painting Hilda’s house.”

“Are you sure? She can be a lot of trouble sometimes. She has more energy than any of us lately,” Cassie laughs.

“Of course! She’s a good kid, it’s no problem. Go out and have fun, you two deserve it, too.”

“Well, I’ll check on you again when the day comes, just in case. If you don’t feel like dealing with a kid, just say it, okay?”

“I always feel like dealing with a kid. At least with yours,” he laughs. “I have fun, too. I like kids. Just call me whenever you want,” he makes a face as Cassie finally makes his muscle loosen up a little, the pain running up his head to his temple.

“You’re so sweet, Ryan. Thank you,” Cassie says, and she kisses the top of his head, laughing. “We’ll come home early anyway. But, honestly, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Cas,” he says, sighing. “Fuck, that hurts.”

“Relax. It’ll pass,” she says, and she keeps up his work.

 

*

“You have no right to tell me you told me, Zep,” Ryan says as he finishes with his bookshelves’ organization. “Because you didn’t exactly say it since you can’t talk. The Sharks should have won. It was bad luck.”

Zeppelin just raises his ear as Ryan talks, lying on the floor right next to him and looking at him like he’s crazy. It’s not his fault the San Jose Shark decided to lose against the easiest team ever when they had been winning every single game before that one. His dog was too sure about the result, and Ryan is about to ask about his secret when the phone rings on the table. He has a hand full of books, so he just presses the answer button and the speaker one without even paying attention to the name on the screen.

“Ryan Ross speaking,” he says, carefully placing a book on its place without making the rest of them fall to the floor.

“Hello, Ryan Ross. Brendon Urie on the line,” Ryan hears the chirping voice, making him smile. “What’s up?”

“Hey, hi! Here I am, having a very deep conversation with Zeppelin about hockey,” he says, his dog yawning to agree with him. “He seems to find it deeply interesting,” he adds ironically.

“I bet he’s better than me…” Brendon chuckles, stopping for a second. “I’m about to be a very bad person,” he says when he speaks again.

“Who are you going to kill and what do I have to say to the police?” He asks, laughing right after as he finishes with the books. He picks up the next ones to place them on the shelf. Brendon laughs too, more than he probably should at that joke.

“Not yet, but don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted on that,” he says with the smile still on his voice. “No, it’s about something different. More like what can you do for me, and why I’ll love you forever if you do.”

“Well, if you say it like that it’s hard to say no, you know?” Ryan jokes, laughing, but his stomach makes a weird twist hearing those words. “What do you need?”

“Well, I’m a good persuader,” Brendon laughs, and he takes a moment again like he’s having some trouble saying what he wants. “So, Cassie told me you’re doing some extra work as a nanny, and I was wondering if maybe adding another kid wouldn’t be too much trouble.”

“Oh. _Oh_ ,” Ryan says, smiling big. “Are you kidding? It’s no trouble at all, come on. It’s fine. It’ll be a pleasure,” he says, swearing when a book falls down right on his foot. “Ouch, shit.”

“Are you okay?” Brendon laughs. “That didn’t sound convincing.”

“No, yeah, no,” he laughs, rubbing his foot against his own calf. “This happens when you decide to organize your books barefoot, you know? But don’t worry, everything will be in its place when I babysit, promise.”

“You sure you won’t mind? I’m just… you know, used to call Cassie when I need someone to watch over the kid, and now that she asked me to join them for dinner I didn’t know who to ask. And I’m not comfortable hiring some random person. I know, it’s stupid, but I’m a worried father.”

“Hey, relax. I don’t mind at all. I’m glad you called me. I understand, she knows me and little Jo, she’ll be more comfortable here than with some stranger. I’m honest,” he says. “I told you you could ask me anytime, right? Go and have fun, you can trust me, I’ll just give her a ton of sugar and we’ll watch action movies ‘till four am,” he jokes.

“I’ll know who to blame if her teeth rot,” Brendon jokes too. “Thank you so much, Ryan. I promise I’ll pay you back. Anything you need, just ask me.”

“Okay. I need you to stop worrying and have fun while I take care of your little gorgeous daughter, deal?” He smiles.

“I’ll try,” Brendon sighs, but there’s a smile in his voice again. “If I’m honest with you I wasn’t sure at first. About the invitation, I mean. But Cassie’s been so good to me all this time and she said it was the perfect coincidence that Will had the day free too, so I had to go. She keeps saying I should stop holding back and I guess she’s right.”

“Oh,” Ryan says, swearing to himself when he realizes what that means. He can’t say no now, he already said he would take care of Nasch. Fucking William. “Sure. You deserve to have fun. Go out, you know? You really want to, right?”

Yeah, Ryan thinks, go out and have fun with mister perfect while I stay at my place with two kids providing you the perfect occasion. Ryan facepalms, he is very stupid sometimes.

“It’s been a long time since I don’t go out, that’s true. And I like to party like the next guy,” Brendon laughs, breathing in and then out. “And, if I’m being honest… I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable going to party knowing my kid is with someone else, but I feel safe knowing she’s with you.”

“Well, thank you,” he says, because he’s an idiot like that. Next thing he should do is asking him if he needs him to prepare the bed for them, too. “Don’t worry, Bren. And have fun, you’ve been waiting for this. We’ll party, too. With candy and Elsa, I bet she loves Frozen, too,” he jokes, smiling mockingly.

“If you want to rewatch your old hockey games she won’t complain either,” Brendon laughs. “That kid eats those videos like they’re cotton candy. Maybe she’ll like Frozen too because there’s ice, but…” he sighs dramatically, “she’s nothing like her daddy that way.”

Ryan laughs, finishing with the bookshelf and grabbing the phone to turn the speaker off. He lets himself fall on the couch, bringing the phone to his ear.

“Aw, I’m _so_ sorry,” he mocks him, laughing again. “We’ll manage. I’m sure there’s a lot of things we can do to have fun. I’m creative, sometimes.”

“So creative…” Brendon huffs, and Ryan can almost see him rolling his eyes, “but you don’t seem to be ready to let the Frozen joke die,” he says in a tone that sounds like a smirk.

“Never,” Ryan says proudly, smiling bigger. “It’s too fun to forget and let it go just like that.”

“You’re _such_ an asshole,” Brendon laughs. “Now I understand why they say reindeers are better than people…” he jokes too.

“Hey!” Ryan says, pretending to be offended.

“What? Didn’t say you smell worse than one this time,” Brendon laughs again. Ryan smiles down at his free hand, picking on his sweatpants.

“Well, it would be unfair. I’m clean now,” he says, smelling himself before adding. “Kind of.”

“I must confess you smell better than a reindeer when you’re dirty too,” Brendon says, and then he chuckles. “Better than most people, to be completely honest.”

“Do I?” Ryan asks, biting his lip with a smile still on. “Did you smell a lot of reindeers?” he jokes, laughing a little. Brendon cracks up laughing, muttering some insult and laughing even more.

“I may, you know? I’ve had pretty weird encounters in my life. But I’ll deny everything before a jury,” he jokes, a soft laugh coming out with his breath.

“Well, you’ll have to tell me all about those encounters some time,” Ryan says. “And just so you know, you don’t smell bad yourself. Dirty or not.”

“Better than a reindeer?” Brendon jokes, but he doesn’t let Ryan answer, “I know, I know. You can’t compare. You’re more a swan guy than a reindeer one.”

That makes him crack up this time, laughing loud and long, his body shaking with it.

“What the…? A swan?! Why a swan?” He asks, still laughing.

“I don’t know! Swans are pretty and sophisticated and elegant, like the models I’ve seen around guys like you all the time. Reindeers are nothing like that. They’re hairy and sweaty, and they thrust you into the wall.”

“Well, let me tell you, that’s way more appealing than a swan,” Ryan says, laughing again. Brendon laughs too.

“I’ll show you where the reindeers pace someday,” he says with the smile still on his voice.

“Deal. That way I can smell them, too,” he jokes, biting his lip again. “Though I already know you smell better than them. You smell better than anything else, anyway. But now I’m curious about reindeers,” he laughs.

“Maybe you’ll discover I’m secretly a reindeer,” Brendon lowers his voice, jokingly. “But don’t tell anyone else.”

“I won’t,” Ryan promises with a smile. He has the weird feeling that they’re not talking about reindeers and swans anymore, but he doesn’t really know why or what are they really talking about. “Should I start calling you Rudolph?”

“Hey! That’s racist,” Brendon jokes, laughing. “You can call me Mr. Reindeer. Please, keep it formal. Thank you.”

Ryan laughs again.

“I think I’m gonna change your name on my phone. From now on you’ll be Mr. Brendolph,” he says, laughing more.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Brendon laughs but his voice lowers again on purpose, making it deeper. “If you do that I’ll tell Santa to put you on the naughty list with the bad boys. I’ve got my contacts, you know?”

“Yeah? And what’s he gonna do about it?” Ryan asks, raising his eyebrows and nibbling his bottom lip. Brendon laughs again, although this time is different, like he’s keeping something, like he’s holding back, or like he’s about to let go.

“What bad boys get. A spanking over the knee,” he says with a low chuckle.

“I think I’ll risk it,” he laughs, trying to loosen up the weird tension on his shoulders. “Now I have a weird image in my mind, thank you, Brendolph.”

“Keep risking it, boy, and you’re gonna get that spanking before Christmas,” Brendon quickly says, his tone more serious. It’s just a second, but while it last it almost feels like Brendon really means it. Then the feeling changes again and Brendon laughs. Ryan does, too, although he has to swallow the dryness of his throat and it sounds breathy. Brendon clears his throat after a while, speaking again. “So… I’ll, uh. I’ll bring the kid along Cassie, okay? Is half past six okay?”

“Perfect. Something I should know?” He asks. “Like, I don’t want to bother you with simple things.”

“She’s a human toddler. She eats, poops, and laughs a lot. Also, she sleeps, but only if you’re really lucky,” Brendon says, making him laugh.

“Action movies until 5 am, then. Noted,” he jokes.

“I know you think you’re joking, but that sounds more probable than you know,” Brendon laughs.

“Hey! I’m the baby whisperer, remember? I may surprise you,” Ryan says. The truth is he’s starting to doubt it. Jo used to fall asleep easily, so maybe he doesn’t really know what he’s getting into. Ryan doesn’t mind, anyway, it can’t be that bad. “I’m sure I will survive.”

“I know you will,” Brendon says, fondness in his voice. “Thanks again, Ryan. You’re a lifesaver.”

“Yeah…,” he says, wrinkling his nose. “You have fun. You deserve it.”

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Here by my side, an angel. Here by my side, the devil

7.2

It’s not late when the doorbell rings and the dogs go crazy right before Ryan opens the door. The house that before was almost completely silent now it’s filled with laughs and sounds and barks. They all come, Cassie and Jon, of course, but also Brendon and Will. The girls, Nascha and Joanna are fully awake and ready to party, even more than their parents, and Cassie jokes about letting them come together and have fun too. Brendon says something about being unfair how Ryan is staying home taking care of the kids instead of coming with them. He makes Ryan promise to join them the next time. Ryan doesn’t say anything about his ‘them’ not including Will, but he thinks about it anyway.

He just smiles, calls himself stupid a couple of times as he looks at Will sideways and pretends he’s all cool about this. He is, in fact, he really wants to spend time with the kids, but Will wasn’t on his plans, that motherfucker. Ryan reaches out to Nasch with a big smile, though, and takes Jo’s hand to say bye to everyone. Cassie keeps telling Ryan where things are and what to do if something happens while Jon pulls at her to the door and Brendon laughs, shaking his head and assuring Cassie the girls are in good hands. Ryan is used to it, she does the same thing every time he babysits Jo.

When the door closes they are finally alone, and Ryan smiles at them like he’s planning something mischievous. Jo is running with the dogs as soon as they start to walk towards the living room, where Ryan has a couple of games and toys for her and a huge rug he put on the floor so they don’t get cold while they play. He sits with Nasch still on his arms, but he knows she’s not going to stay there for long.

They play a lot, Joanna tells them a story, she does Ryan’s hair, too. They watch a movie, or the movie plays on tv while Ryan tries to stop Nasch from climbing the table, jumping on Rat or eating Hilda’s ears. Joanna laughs the whole time while Ryan asks himself how someone so little can have such energy. Then he remembers she’s Brendon’s daughter and he understands. They have dinner, too, and Ryan cooked cupcakes for them before as a surprise but he tells the girls to keep the secret. Joanna gets chocolate all over her face and Ryan laughs hard when he sees his own nose all dirty. He gives Nasch a couple of tiny bits, making sure she can eat them.

He has a lot of fun, more than he ever thought he would. And even though he’s actually pretty tired when it’s been a few hours, it was totally worth it. Ryan doesn’t remember being this tired in a long time, which is saying a lot considering he’s a professional hockey player, but this so different. He’s content, though. The atmosphere gets quieter as the night draws on, and even the dogs fall asleep all over the rug, surrounded by toys and cushions. Little Jo is falling asleep, too, Ryan can see it in the way her eyes close slowly as they watch Brave.

The one that seems to be high in some kind of drug is Nasch, who’s still trying to run before she even knows how to walk. Ryan has to catch her a couple of times right before she falls face first to the floor. Her brain is faster than her arms as she crawls all over the place, or so it seems.

It’s a few minutes after that when Joanna is finally asleep on the couch with a blanket over her, and Ryan gets Nasch to stay still, at last, leaning back against him with her binky on as she plays with a small, old, fluffy penguin on skates someone gave Ryan a long time ago after a game. She’s breathing quietly and Ryan smiles softly, feeling all warm inside while he looks at her.

Ryan receives a text from Cassie a few minutes after, asking as she always does if Jo is sleeping so she doesn’t ring the doorbell to wake her up. She says she’s at the door a moment after Ryan confirms it. He moves slowly so he doesn’t wake her up either, and Nascha rests her head on his shoulder when he stands up, not letting go of the penguin. Ryan dies a little inside, he wants to keep this moment forever.

“Hi,” he whispers when he opens the door with a smile on, not knowing if Cassie can see it fade a little when he sees just Jon and her. No Brendon, no William in sight.

When Cassie just smiles and goes in along with Jon, Ryan understands Brendon is not coming along. He doesn’t want to think about the implications of that. Cassie and Jon walk in while Cassie asks Ryan how did everything go, just like she always does. She thanks him again and apologizes for being so late even when it’s not that late at all.

“I guess we’re getting old, though, because we couldn’t keep up with the guys,” she says laughing. “They stayed for another drink. Brendon said something about not wanting to stay too late because of the kid, but I told him we could take her home with us if you were too tired.”

“Oh. No, don’t. Don’t worry, I’m fine,” he says. He is exhausted, actually, but Nasch is not a ball of energy anymore. Also, he wants to keep her a little longer. He smiles at Cassie and sighs. “She’s almost asleep, anyway. We had a lot of fun.”

“I’m glad to hear that. We’re super tired,” Cassie laughs.

“Next time you’ll babysit us and they’ll go to party,” Jon adds, carefully taking up Jo in his arms. “Thanks as always, man. I don’t even want to think about how much we owe you. When you have a kid we’re gonna be sitters for life,” he jokes. Ryan laughs a little and makes a face.

“We’re good, man. I owe you guys a lot too, so. Anytime, as always,” Ryan says, smiling at them. He feels a little weird now knowing Brendon and Will are finally alone somewhere like it wasn’t completely real until now. “You have an amazing girl, and before you know it she will actually be big enough to party while you stay at home waiting for her,” he laughs.

“Don’t be giving her ideas, Ross. I know how you and the guys used to deal with things,” Cassie laughs. “Anyway, we’re already leaving. Are you sure you want to keep Nasch? We don’t have a problem taking her home with us.”

“Yeah, no, it’s cool. I can’t separate her from my penguin now,” he jokes, looking at her while he adds. “Really, we’ll be good. It’s no problem at all.” He smiles before looking at them again. Jon and Cassie look at each other before they make a face and nod.

“Then I guess we’re done here,” Cassie smiles, and Jon does too. “See you at work, Ryan.”

“See you, guys, goodnight,” he says, watching them go before closing the door carefully and walking back to the living room. “Just the of us now, right?” He whispers, smiling as he sees Nasch blinking slow and heavy.

Ryan guesses it’s time for her to fall asleep, too, and he mutes the tv before sitting on the couch again, leaning back and grabbing the blanket to put it on them both. He reaches out to get the book on his table, he doesn’t even know which one is it, and he decides the best he can do right now is to keep his mind busy.

“I bet he’s not that good at partying,” he says to the princess. “Or at anything. Right?” He looks at Nasch and she looks back at him with big eyes, making him feel better right away. “Yeah, he’s not. I knew you would agree with me on that. So, they are just… probably talking about the weather and some sh- Um. Things like that. Your dad just wants to be a good man. He’s a good man, the best one, you know that, right? You have the best daddy ever,” he adds, nodding at her. “They’re just friends. Two friends having a drink. No big deal,” he tries to convince himself, nodding again and clearing his throat. “So. Want to hear a story? This one may be a bit more complicated than Jo’s, but I’m sure you’ll like it.”

He manages to forget about the things Brendon and Will may be doing, mostly. He opens the book and starts to read out loud, hoping it makes Nasch fall asleep sooner because it’s getting late and she has to sleep or Brendon is going to kill him when he gets there. Ryan keeps his voice low and slow, getting into the story and just realizing it’s working when the penguin falls to his lap, Nascha’s hand losing her grip. He keeps reading to her, though, lowering his voice even more, trying not to move so he doesn’t wake her up.

It’s somehow magical, having her asleep like that in his arms. She seems so small and vulnerable, and Ryan feels like he would do anything for that little girl. He feels like he would protect her from anything and anyone, making sure she stays just as innocent and peaceful as she is right now. In that moment he realizes he’ll be there for her forever, no matter what happens between him and Brendon, because there’s no way back now, that little princess has a piece of him now.

Ryan gets startled when his cell phone suddenly rings. It’s a text or a few, and when he checks it out he sees it’s Brendon asking him if it’s okay to go pick up Nascha right then. He asks if he’s doing it okay, he’s following Cassie’s tips just in case the baby’s asleep, although he says he’d understand if she weren’t. Ryan answers and tells him to come if he wants to. He tells him she’s asleep, too, and that he left the door open so he can come in right away when he gets there. It wasn’t hard to get her to sleep, but Ryan is not risking waking her up now.

Brendon doesn’t take too long before walking in, it’s almost like he was already around the house, almost. He knocks before he steps in with a little smile, saying hi in a low voice and walking towards Ryan. He doesn’t look disheveled, like Ryan guesses he would look if he had been partying or something else. He, in fact, looks really well put together, his shirt in place, his black jeans tight, his hair slicked back. He looks great. Maybe he didn’t want to be too obvious and got everything in place before coming in. Ryan is getting paranoid.

“Hey,” he says, making a gesture to him so he sits down if he wants. “You. You had fun?” Why the hell does he ask? Ryan doesn’t really know.

“It was okay,” Brendon smiles and he sits down, not straight near Ryan but not as far as he could. “The restaurant was nice, Jon has a good taste for those things. There was a cool bar near the place and I told Will to go there and dance a little. I really wanted to dance,” Brendon says, making a face. “So I danced. And I came,” he laughs.

“You what?” Ryan says, needing a few seconds before he notices. “Oh, oh, right,” he laughs, hoping his stupidity wasn’t _that_ obvious. “You mean here. You danced and you came here. Yeah. Good. That’s,” he clears his throat. “That’s good.”

“Yeah, I came here,” Brendon laughs, looking at Ryan through the corner of his eye, a face that clearly says he was _that_ obvious. “I like dancing, but I don’t enjoy it _that much_ , Ryan…” he jokes. Ryan wrinkles his nose, looking down and laughing at himself.

“I hoped you didn’t notice, dammit,” he says, blushing a little. “Well, was. Was Will a good dancing partner, then?”

“He tried,” Brendon nods with a smile. “But you know it’s hard to keep up with me. I got a little crazy on the dance floor.”

“Not everyone can be that good at dancing,” Ryan says, smiling. “But I’m glad you had fun, anyway. That was the intention, right?”

“I guess it was…” Brendon says, making a face and looking at Ryan. “Can I tell you a secret, though?” He says with a mischievous smile, lowering his voice. Ryan looks at him like he’s totally on board with mischief.

“Of course you can,” he laughs. Brendon laughs and twists his lips, getting just a little closer.

“I kinda… got bored. Just a little,” he says, and then he laughs like a kid who said something he shouldn’t. Ryan, on the other hand, gets more surprised than anything. Here he was, thinking about the ways William could win Brendon over, and suddenly it seems it wasn’t like that at all. He can’t help the content feeling he gets, even though he feels like a bad person right after.

“Bored? Oh,” he says, and now he laughs a little, making a face. “It wasn’t what you expected?”

“I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting anything, to be honest. But still…” Brendon makes a face, wrinkling his nose. “He’s too… like. I don’t know,” he laughs and shakes his head. “I feel like I could scare him if I got a little out of hand.”

“You shouldn’t do that,” Ryan says, looking at him right in the eyes. “Like. You shouldn’t hold back because of him. Or anyone. You are who you are, if he gets scared, his loss,” he shrugs, smiling at him. “You’re awesome when you get out of hand,” he laughs.

“I wouldn’t hold back,” Brendon says, and he doesn’t look away while he does. “I don’t think I’m that great or anything, but I know I need someone who can keep up with me. Thanks, though. I like a nice self-esteem boost now and then,” he laughs.

“You’re welcome,” Ryan laughs too, short and softly. He thinks about something and bites his lip, wondering if he should say it or not. But then Tom’s and Spencer’s words come to his mind and he thinks, fuck it. “You know what we should do? We should go party. You and me,” he says, his heart speeding up a little as if he just suggested something way more inappropriate.

“We what??” Brendon asks immediately, but he doesn’t give Ryan time to properly react to that before he laughs. “You’re not kidding me, right? Is this a prank?” He laughs again.

“No! I’m serious,” he says, trying to keep his voice low so he doesn’t wake up the kid. “Come on. This was supposed to be your night, you deserved a good party. And you got _bored_ ,” he shakes his head, smiling. “I can’t allow that. We’re going out. You won’t hold back and I will try really hard not to be boring,” he laughs. Brendon laughs too but he looks at Ryan like he doesn’t fully believe it.

“And you’re gonna… make my night better?” He asks with a smug voice like he’s suddenly having all the fun he was missing earlier. Ryan huffs, being smug himself.

“ _Of course_ I will.” He can totally do better than that William dickface. Sure, he has almost forgotten how to party, but bad habits die hard, he’s sure he will remember. Brendon raises an eyebrow, totally surprised now, but his face changes to a challenging one.

“Okay. I want to see you try,” Brendon says, and he probably doesn’t mean anything sexual by leaning back on the couch giving some imaginary person all kinds of access, but it’s difficult not to see it like that. Ryan is almost thankful he has a little kid on him right now that prevents him from having all kind of images in his mind. Very graphic ones.

“Deal,” he says instead, trying _really hard_ not to look down somewhere really inappropriate right now. Brendon’s outfit is not helping at all, but Ryan is a rock. He is. Brendon just looks at him and waits, clearly checking him out from head to toe.

“So? How are you gonna make my night better?”

“Oh. You meant, um. _This_ night?” he asks lamely, swallowing because his mouth is suddenly dry. He has to remember himself he has a little kid in his arms, for god’s sake. Brendon is leaning back on his couch almost sprawled on it, and Ryan has a baby in his arms. This can’t be his life. “Well, um.” He adds, looking down at Nascha and then at Brendon, and then at her again, laughing a little. “Someone is using me as a mattress right now, you know. Like father, like daughter…”

“Like…” Brendon raises his eyebrows again and then he laughs out loud. “Ryan? Are you actually offering yourself as a mattress?” He jokes, or so Ryan hopes. He blushes anyway because his body hates him.

“No! Oh my god,” he brings a hand to his face, swearing under his breath. “It wasn’t like that. W-what I meant is that I. I can’t exactly move. So I, like, c-can’t do anything. To do your night better, I mean. N-not that I was gonna make something, like, um. But like, I can’t even _move_ , so,” he tries to explain, but he realizes he’s doing it worse as he keeps talking. Brendon looks really amused, though. “Oh, Jesus, this is. This is a disaster,” he laughs, looking down. What he actually likes the most about these things is that it doesn’t matter how red he gets or how embarrassed he is, he actually doesn’t care because it’s Brendon who he is talking to. It’s not funny, anyway. His ears are too hot.

“I can’t believe you used my daughter as an excuse…” Brendon shakes his head, clicking his tongue. “Especially when you can put her down any moment and show me how were you actually thinking of making my night better…. but I guess you were just full of hot air,” he says with a smug smile. Ryan gets even redder, but he looks at him.

“You’re _mean_ ,” he says. “You’re having too much fun, like always when you laugh at me, so I’d say I’m actually making your night better,” he adds, trying to hide his face a little behind some locks of hair.

“Touché,” Brendon laughs, nodding. “I’ll give you that, but still I’m gonna make you keep that promise of partying together.”

“You got it. You’re gonna need another sitter this time, though,” he says, looking down at Nasch. “I mean, we had a lot of fun but I’m gonna have to give my best to you, so I need to be focused.”

Brendon just looks at him for a few seconds, like he’s thinking about it, or like he’s choosing what to say. There’s a little twitch on the corner of his lips that soon becomes a twisted smile.

“Can’t wait to see what you’ve got,” Brendon says, licking his lips and clearing his throat. “So, you’ve got any place in mind?”

“Not really,” he says. “But I’m dancing with you,” he adds. His sense of competition will destroy his dignity someday. And probably it will be _that_ day.

“You’ve learned how to dance?” Brendon asks, and then he laughs. “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, but… Um. If I remember well, you weren’t too much of a fan of dancing.”

“Hey! You actually never saw me dancing, right?” he says, but he laughs because he’s not really offended. Brendon is right. “I’m not. But I feel like it, this time. It’s going to be embarrassing and ridiculous, but,” he shrugs. “You can teach me some moves.”

“I can teach you more than some moves, come on,” Brendon smiles and he moves, standing up. “Come here, stop being a mattress. I know you love it but you need to stop sometime.”

Ryan smiles small, shyer than he’s going to admit, but he swallows and nods, murmuring to himself and putting the kid carefully on the couch, covering her with the blanket again and grabbing the cushions to put them around her. He turns around when he’s done and looks at Brendon, laughing a little.

“Okay,” he says, more to himself than anything, clearing his throat. “But don’t laugh at me.”

“I can’t promise you that. Laughing is my default mode,” Brendon says, offering Ryan his hand. “What do you want to learn first? Also, we need some music, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know,” he says, but he grabs his hand anyway. “What do I have to learn first? There’s, um. You have speakers over there to connect your phone if you want.”

“You can learn anything you want,” Brendon smiles, and he squeezes Ryan’s hand before he lets it go and moves to the speakers, connecting his phone and browsing through to find some good song. “Any genere?”

“What do you like to dance the most?” Ryan asks, rubbing his hands on his sweatpants nervously. Brendon looks at him and then back at his phone, pressing play and letting the music fill the place.

“I like anything,” he says, but the music that sounds has some nice bass line and some really good drums, the guitar adds the perfect touch and when Brendon moves back to Ryan, he does it following the rhythm like he was born dancing. Ryan looks at him and this time he does stare, trying to understand how he can move like that and licking his lips.

“I’m unrhythmical,” he confesses, staying still where he is. Brendon laughs and shakes his head, and he fucking doesn’t stop moving.

“Come on, just do what I’m doing. Just move. Follow the music,” he says, and his whole body sways like a branch on the wind. Ryan laughs breathy.

“You’re not _just moving_ ,” he says, watching him. “There’s no way I can do that,” he adds. “The only thing I can move it’s the. Um. The hips. But I can’t do it that good.”

“You can,” Brendon says, and just like that, he puts his hands on Ryan’s hips. And _moves_. “See? Like this.”

Ryan doesn’t know if his heart speeds up because of Brendon or because he’s trying to dance, Jesus christ. He doesn’t dance. He can barely talk without stumbling. He could dance on skates, he’s sure. But not like this.

“O-okay,” he says because no one can say no to Brendon when he’s this close. He gets all red again, but he looks down and pretends he’s alone and very, very drunk, starting to move his hips. Hips are cool, he controls hips.

“See? You’re getting it,” Brendon says, and he’s probably just trying to make Ryan feel better about himself because there’s no way they’re moving the same. But then Brendon takes a little step closer and moves his fingers up so they’re not just on Ryan’s hips but also up to his waist. “Loosen up a little, okay?” He says with a smile, brushing his fingers on Ryan’s waist. “Let yourself go.”

Easy for him to say, he doesn’t have his hands on his waist. Ryan swallows a couple of times and licks his lips again, his heart louder in his ears now. He tries to follow Brendon’s instructions, but he doesn’t know how to loosen up, how to move without looking like a drunk duck.

“Um, I. Loosen up. Yeah, okay. H-how?” He looks down at Brendon’s body the whole time, mostly his hips. Because it’s necessary to dance, of course.

“Just… let it flow,” Brendon laughs and shakes his head. “Wait, feel it,” he says, and he moves his hands just to hold Ryan’s, bringing them to his own hips and moving. “Can you feel it?” He asks, and now they’re really close. They’re probably too close.

“Y-yeah,” he murmurs. Ryan tries to focus on the movement and not on how he can smell Brendon’s scent from here or how he can feel the heat he irradiates. Ryan blinks and nods, looking at his own hands on Brendon’s hips and following the movement with his own.

Brendon dances, not doing it like he would if he’d be dancing alone, but dancing. He’s doing it slowly, probably so Ryan can follow him, or maybe because the song has changed and now it demands a slower dance, a closer dance.

“You learn fast,” Brendon says, needing to look up now that they’re this close. Ryan laughs a little, staying silent for a few seconds because he’s too busy watching Brendon’s freckles.

“I, um. Maybe I’m not that bad of a dancer, in the end,” he jokes. “I can actually do slow dancing. You know, because I move my whole body at once, so it’s easier,” he laughs.

“Fuck no, who the hell told you slow dancing means moving your whole body at once?” Brendon says, faking alarm. He shakes his head and moves closer, and now they’re touching. Their bodies are touching, and Brendon moves again. Ryan loses his breath for a moment. “See? You think I’m moving my body all at once?” He asks close to Ryan’s ear. Ryan can feel the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

“No,” he says, and he gets more confident now because he actually slow danced a couple of times, he’s not bad at it. Well, he’s not horrible at it. Which is a lot, being who he is. He swallows and moves, hesitant at first but decided. He grabs Brendon’s wrists and gets his arms up and around his neck, moving his own hands down again to rest one of them on his hip, the other one on his lower back. He moves, then, slow and following Brendon’s body.

Brendon laughs, more like a chuckle actually. Ryan can’t see him because they’re _that close_ , but he can hear it, he can feel it. “You’re not just moving your whole body at once either,” Brendon whispers, his nose momentarily brushing Ryan’s ear. “You’re doing it great, you know? I’m gonna get jealous on the dance floor when we go to party.”

“I said I could do slow dancing,” he says, laughing a little. He swallows again because Brendon’s smell is almost making him dizzy now. “But don’t worry. I can’t move like you, so no need to get jealous.”

“Come on, don’t even dare,” Brendon laughs. “You’re gonna make a lot of mouths water, you know?” He says, and he lowers his voice when he adds, “you gonna let them bite?”

“It depends, I guess,” he answers, and there’s no way Brendon can’t feel his heart beating hard against his ribcage. “You know. On who they belong to.”

“You mean the bites? Or the people?” Brendon jokes. Or not. Ryan laughs a little.

“The mouths,” he says, lowering his voice and lowering his head to talk into his ear.

“We can make sure those mouths belong to the right people. I can check… if you trust me to decide what’s best for you,” he laughs, and this time he actually presses his nose against Ryan’s hair.

“I trust you with my life,” Ryan murmurs, leaning his head a little against him without actually notice like his body is following Brendon’s nose and body out of instinct.

“Don’t say that,” Brendon answers, and he embraces Ryan’s touch like he belongs there, leaning against him. “You’re dancing with the devil,” he jokes, using the double meaning of the sentence.

“Well, the devil is a good dancer, it’s not like I can resist,” Ryan jokes, giving in to his impulses and burying his nose in Brendon’s hair a little, moving it behind his ear. “I mean it anyway.”

“You shouldn’t,” Brendon says, and he puts his lips right on Ryan’s ears when he whispers. “It can be dangerous.”

“I like dangerous,” Ryan whispers back, the hand on Brendon’s lower back pulling him a little closer so subtly even Ryan wonders if he imagined it.

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Brendon answers, moving his lips down and speaking against the skin below his ear. Ryan gets goosebumps all over, he can feel it everywhere. When he speaks, it’s so low Brendon can hear him just because he’s this close to him.

“Show me, then,” he says, swallowing because he feels like his heart is going to jump out of his mouth. Brendon stops moving right there. He stops dancing, but that doesn’t mean he takes his arms from where they are or his lips from where they last talked on. He stops moving at all.

“Are you sure?” Brendon asks, and only then he moves his head to look at Ryan’s eyes. Ryan looks back at him, his chest rising and falling with every intake of air. Is he sure?

“Yes,” he says, and when the last sound has abandoned his lips, Ryan can feel Brendon’s hand moving to hold his head, Brendon’s fingers spreading on his cheek and neck, keeping him in place when Brendon opens his lips against Ryan’s skin. And bites.

He does it hard, digging the teeth into the skin, pressing his tongue to suck the flesh into his mouth. He bites and breathes and groans like a wild animal who just got his prey, and if Ryan wasn’t trembling enough just feeling the bite, that makes a shiver run down his spine. It’s the most intense feeling he has felt in a long, long time, and he’s just biting him. It feels like getting high after a lifetime craving it, like finding water after weeks walking in the desert. Like his whole body was dead for years and suddenly it came back to life after an electric shock, electricity running all over his veins like adrenaline, his pulse speeding up, his lungs working at its best. He moans softly and holds on him because he feels like falling.

Brendon stops biting and finishes it with a sucking sound, reaching with his free hand and touching the obvious mark he has left behind. Ryan can feel it, the indent of Brendon’s teeth temporarily on his neck. Brendon traces it and Ryan can hear him smile like he’s proud of what he just did. When Brendon moves again is to reach Ryan’s ear with his lips again.

“I lied,” Brendon whispers, the smile still in his voice. “I wouldn’t let any other mouth on you except for mine.”

“I wouldn’t want any other mouth on me except yours,” Ryan breathes, turning his head to look at him, his cheeks flushed, his eyes dark.

“Yeah?” Brendon breathes out, turning his head to the side, moving closer, enough to brush his nose to Ryan’s. “Where else?”

Ryan looks down at his lips, and he’s dying to kiss him, he wants it so bad he can feel the itch on his lips, his mouth waiting, his whole body preparing for it. But something holds him back, something around him, in the atmosphere. Something in Brendon’s face and voice.

“Anywhere,” he says instead, waiting. He doesn’t know what is he waiting for, but he _knows_ he has to wait. Brendon smiles like a reward, and he uses his hand still holding Ryan’s face to move him, making room.

He bites him again, this time lower and as hard as before. He’s holding Ryan’s face harder, though, his fingers digging into the bone, and this time, when he’s done, he licks a stripe up to Ryan’s chin, huffing like an animal and looking him straight in the eye. Ryan didn’t know this could be like this. He knew he was curious, he knew what he liked, what he tried before, but he didn’t know it could _feel_ like this. Brendon’s literally touching him with just one hand and his mouth, and it feels like a million mouths and one hundred hands. The force, his breath, the sounds he’s making, the power he’s using, Ryan is so confused but so fucking turned on he can’t think about how does this make sense. And he’s been rough before, but this is a whole other thing.

“I could do so many things to you right now,” Brendon says, and it almost sounds like a threat. He’s looking at Ryan like he wants to literally devour him, tear him apart into pieces. “But… I need to be good. Don’t you think?”

“I said I trust you,” Ryan says, looking at him breathing harsh, swallowing before adding “and I trust you to do whatever you think you can do,” he says. And he’s not used to this, he’s not used to not making any decision. But somehow it feels so good, so right letting him decide, so satisfying not knowing what’s next, not being responsible for planning it. It feels liberating, and it’s intoxicating.

Brendon seems encouraged by those words, or at least that’s what Ryan can see in his eyes. There’s determination, there’s power, but also… there’s something dark too. Brendon’s hand moves to hold Ryan’s neck, making him walk back to the couch. It squeezes, not too hard to stop Ryan from breathing but hard enough for him to feel it. But then. It stops.

“Shit. Fuck. Ryan,” Brendon breathes deep, dropping his hand and closing his eyes. Ryan is breathing hard, and he waits for him to do something, looking at him. He moves when he sees Brendon doesn’t say anything else.

“Hey,” he says, bringing his hands up to his face, looking at him. “Everything okay? You okay?”

“My…” Brendon shakes his head and laughs, rubbing his face before he looks at Ryan. There’s no guilt or shame on his face, but the darkness is also gone. “My kid’s right there, Ryan. And we’re going to hell.”

Ryan has a moment of not knowing what’s happening, probably because his blood is not where it should be if he wants to think straight, but then he turns his head to look at the small body sleeping peacefully and his eyes open wide. He does feel guilty.

“Oh, Jesus. I’m. I’m sorry,” he says, letting his head fall back with a groan and rubbing his face. “Oh, god, I’m gonna burn for centuries because of this,” he laughs a little shaking his head. “I’m so sorry, Bren.”

“It’s so not your fault…” Brendon says, sighing and putting his hands on his hips, looking at the kid with a twisted face. “Thank god she will never know about this because I’m sure she wouldn’t let me live it down,” he laughs, looking at Ryan. His eyes suddenly go wide, blinking and bringing a hand to his mouth. “Oh, shit, your neck.”

“What?” Ryan asks, touching his neck like he’s going to find it open or something, confused. Brendon just shakes his head and laughs louder, trying to cover his mouth to stop it.

“Jesus, you’re gonna kill me when you look yourself in the mirror. I’m so, so sorry, Ryan.”

“Oh. Oh, it’s. Are there marks?” he asks, pressing on the skin along his neck so he can feel the difference somewhere.

“Wait, let me…” Brendon reaches for his phone inside his back pocket, getting closer to Ryan so he can take a picture. He’s giggling like a teenager when he shows the picture to Ryan, some nasty deep purple bruises decorating his neck. “Um. I… I didn’t mean to.”

Ryan’s eyes go wide, and he looks at the picture without blinking. He’s fascinated by the colors and how it looks on his skin, but he’s more fascinated by how that makes him feel. He doesn’t mind at all. He actually feels a rush inside knowing he got those. He doesn’t know what the hell is happening with this whole new thing, but he wants to know more.

“Wow,” he says, touching his neck and biting his lip when he feels the marks with the tips of his fingers. “Jesus, you’re _strong_ ,” he adds, more fascinated than surprised.

“I’m not, I’m…” Brendon shakes his head. “I’m just an eager fuck because it’s been so long since I…” Then he stops, blinking. “Wait. You’re not mad?”

“Mad? No, why. Why would I be?” he laughs a little, looking at him. “They’re pretty.”

“Pretty?” Brendon asks, chuckling a little, looking closer and reaching with his hand to touch Ryan’s neck. “You think they’re pretty?”

“Yeah,” he says, sounding surprised because, well, this is new for him too. “They feel like…” He stops, swallowing. Maybe he’s starting to be delusional because of the blood loss in his brain.

“You’re not gonna finish that sentence?” Brendon asks, smiling at Ryan. Ryan smiles too and looks down, biting his lip.

“It’s going to sound weird,” he confesses. Brendon just shrugs.

“Weirder than me giving you a massive hickey?” He asks, laughing.

“That’s not weird, that’s _hot_ ,” he laughs, looking at him again and swallowing once more before talking. “It’s like. I feel good. Like, knowing they are there. It makes me feel… you know, proud. Or, content.”

“You like them,” Brendon says. Maybe he asks, but he doesn’t sound like asking, he sounds more like answering, actually. “You want them?” He does ask now, looking at Ryan more serious.

“I. Yeah, I think so,” he says. “Like. I like the feeling of getting them, and. Yeah. I like seeing them on my skin, somehow.”

“Oh. Well…” Brendon clears his throat and laughs, making a face. “I mean, if you want some more, just ask,” he jokes. Maybe. Ryan laughs a little, but he looks at him seriously.

“You… are you serious?” he asks.

“I mean…” Brendon laughs again, but he also licks his lips. He’s serious when he speaks again. “Yes. I’m fucking serious.”

“Okay,” he says, and he feels somehow encouraged or something. He doesn’t know, he just knows he wants to say his next words. And he’s following his friends’ advice. “I do. Want some more,” he says, looking at him cautiously. “In some other places, too… Like my chest. Or, you know, my thighs.” He speaks slow and soft, biting the inside of his lip. He feels like he’s being too daring or something, even though he’s just telling him what he wants. Brendon just looks at him for a while, with something in his eyes Ryan can’t really fully understand, but it shines.

“I’ll keep it in mind,” he says when he speaks, not taking his eyes away from Ryan’s. “In fact… I know a place that might help with the mood. In case you want to spice it up a little more.”

“You choose the place, then,” Ryan says, biting his lip and swallowing. He feels weird with the way Brendon’s looking at him, intimidated. He keeps looking at him, though, mostly his lips, feeling so stupid now for not kissing him when he had the chance.

“I would, you know?” Brendon says, his eyes getting a little darker again. “I would put those marks on your thighs right now,” he says like he’s telling the news. Ryan feels the words like they are electric shocks running down his spine and making him tense all over with anticipation. He swallows and licks his bottom lip, his eyes looking down at Brendon’s mouth again.

“Raincheck?” he asks, his voice low and almost too hoarse. He clears his throat, stepping closer to him without even notice he’s doing it. Brendon raises an eyebrow, and he takes a step closer too, his chin slightly moving up like that’s the way he has to assure his newly gained status.

“ _Raincheck?_ ” Brendon asks, a twitch on the corner on his lips becoming a sly smile. Ryan has to look down for a moment, laughing a little, rubbing his palms on his sweatpants.

“Just if you…” Ryan looks up at him between the locks of his hair, feeling shy. He gets stuck on his lips again, and he doesn’t even think about how obvious he’s being.

“I do,” Brendon quickly answers, and he moves closer, almost bushing his body with Ryan’s. “And… If I were you, I’d take care of not getting any other mark there until it happens.”

Ryan bets Brendon can see his eyes getting darker, his whole body reacting to his words. He can feel it, the rush inside his veins, the way his heart gets louder in his ears or his guts twist with want and something else he can’t quite identify but seems weirdly similar to fear.

“I won’t,” he says, and he means it. Probably more than anything he has said in a long time. Brendon nods, and then he reaches with his hand, touching Ryan’s t-shirt before he grabs it.

“You should email me your schedule. Will you?” He asks but it sounds more like a command. And Ryan is obedient, of course.

“Yeah. O-okay,” he breathes out, the tip of his fingers itching with the need of touching him. Brendon smiles again.

“I should probably go home. I’ve got a baby to put on her crib,” he says, but he doesn’t stop looking at Ryan and he doesn’t let him go from where he’s grabbing him.

“Okay,” Ryan repeats, but he doesn’t move either. And he doesn’t want him to let go of him, so he steps closer instead, as close as he can without actually bump into him. He looks at Brendon expectant, but he doesn’t really know what he’s waiting for. Everything is too much and too little at the same time.

Brendon lowers his eyes at the same time his hand moves up, brushing Ryan’s neck before it holds his face. Not roughly like he did before, but firm enough. Brendon moves closer and brushes Ryan’s nose with his, still looking down, clearly at Ryan’s lips.

“See you,” he says, making his breath hit Ryan’s mouth, and just like that he moves and kisses Ryan’s cheek right before stepping away, walking to the couch to take his little girl in his arms.

Ryan barely has time to recover because he was so ready to kiss him, he was so, so close his eyes were already closing and his lips were opening. He actually lets out a soft sound, more a complaint than anything else, biting his lip hard and swearing under his breath before he can move again and turn around to look at Brendon and the baby.

“Yeah… see you,” he says, still hypnotized somehow by Brendon’s touch. He needs a couple of seconds to wake up. “Oh, wait, take this,” he says, grabbing his penguin from the couch and giving it to him. “She’ll miss it when she wakes up, they are best friends now.”

Brendon takes the penguin with a smile and places it between his chest and the baby, who’s fidgeting trying not to wake up, and quickly grabs it before she snuggles against his daddy’s chest. Brendon shifts her weight to hold her better in his arms, putting a blanket he brought along over the girl.

“Thank you for everything,” he says, looking at Ryan again with a warm face.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Ryan says, reaching out to caress Nascha’s hair softly. “I had a lot of fun, actually. She’s an adventure,” he smiles.

“She’s the best thing that has ever happened. Not to me, to this planet,” Brendon laughs quietly, walking to the door. “Be ready,” he says, opening the door and kissing the baby’s head, looking up at Ryan after that. “I’ll come get you when you less expect it.”

Ryan would like to answer to that and tell him he can’t fucking wait, but words seem to fail him and he can just laugh nervously and look at him with want written all over his face. He doesn’t understand yet this power Brendon has over him, but he likes it, and he wants to explore it more. So he just nods at him, biting his lip while he holds the door open for him. Brendon smiles at him, a knowing smile, and he leans down a little before he finally turns around and leaves, walking to his car. Ryan watches him go and he doesn’t close his door until they’re both in the car and the engine is on. When he does, he leans his forehead against it and sighs, swearing out loud because fuck his fucking life, he’s gonna dream about the kiss he didn’t get tonight.


	9. Temptations

8.1

 

So Brendon texts him, he does the very next day Ryan is free and he does first time in the morning. He asks Ryan if he’s ready for tonight right after telling him he convinced Cassie it was okay for both of them to go have a little fun so she agreed to take care of Nascha. He feels more comfortable leaving the baby with Cassie and Ryan understands. He also asks Ryan if he has any place in mind or if he trusts Brendon to take him to the right place. Ryan tells him of course he trusts him, because he does, and he’s already nervous not knowing what’s going to happen, but mostly excited.

 _I need you to wear something specific, tho_ , Brendon texts, and then he adds the little halo emoji. That’s unexpected, and Ryan laughs out loud, making Rat bark along with him. He doesn’t know what the hell Brendon has in mind, but he really wants to know, so he just asks if he has to wear a suit.

“Not a suit. Or you can wear a suit… It needs to be black, that’s the only requirement.”

And that’s how Ryan decides to wear a suit. Black shirt, of course, no tie or he’ll feel like he’s going somewhere too elegant. It’s been a while since he wore one and he finds out maybe he’s been working out too much lately because it may be too tight. It fits, though, so whatever.

Brendon sets the date and the door knocks on time. It’s a characteristic knock, so Ryan knows exactly who’s there. When he opens the door, though, what he sees is nothing like he was expecting. Brendon is there and he is wearing black too, but he’s not wearing a suit. Not at all. What he’s wearing is black leather pants, too tight to leave anything left to the imagination, a black shirt equally revealing, two leather bracelets, one on each wrist, a black leather jacket and shiny combat boots. His hair is slicked back but a couple locks fall in front of his face.

Ryan loses all capacity to even _think_ for a moment. He looks at him up and down, and he doubts he can hide the awe on his face or the way his lungs just stop working for a whole five seconds. When he’s able to breathe again, he fucking chokes on his own air, coughing and swearing under his breath. Suddenly he feels like an altar boy wearing his suit and shoes. He looks at himself and then at Brendon again, who looks so fucking hot Ryan can’t even know how to describe it.

Suddenly all the feelings from last time they saw each other come back to him like a wave, his muscles getting tense and his mouth getting dry. He swallows and tries to slow his heart down, focusing on learning how to talk again.

“Um,” it’s the first thing that comes out his mouth before he clears his throat. “Am I overdressed?”

“You’re perfect,” Brendon answers with a smile. “You coming?” He asks, and then he adds with a smirk, “to the party, I mean.”

Ryan laughs softly and tilts his head, smiling sideways because he sure as hell is coming. More than once, probably. He’s gonna have this image in his mind for _centuries_.

“Yeah… Yeah,” he says, grabbing his keys and wallet. “To the party, too,” he adds, lowering his voice so Brendon can’t actually hear him but saying it anyway because he can’t shut up. “So, where are we going, then?”

“Oh, you’d like to know…” Brendon laughs mischievously. He holds his hand to Ryan, waiting for him to take it. “You said you trust me. It’s a surprise.”

“Okay,” he says, taking his hand right away and interlacing their fingers. He laughs nervously, but he’s really curious about this. “Let’s go, then. I hope there’s music, though. I’ve been practicing my moves,” he jokes.

“Oh, there’ll be more than music,” Brendon smiles, and just in a quick move he brings Ryan’s hands to his lips and kisses his knuckles, starting to walk towards his car and not letting Ryan’s hand go until they need to go opposite ways to get in the car. Ryan bites his lip and gets in the car with a stupid smile on his face, but he can’t care enough. It’s been ages since he felt like this and he wants to enjoy it.

Brendon puts on some music the moment he starts driving, but he lowers it down a few minutes later when he starts talking. He always was the type of person who can make small talk out of anything, so he starts talking about his job and about the baby, a little about Will and about Cassie too. He asks Ryan too, about the games and about his late hermit life, joking about him practicing his dance moves. He looks so comfortable, like there haven’t been three years missing between them, like this is just one more of those nights they go out together.

Ryan likes that, it makes him feel like that, too, like nothing happened between them and they’re just where they were three years ago. It makes him think about Tom’s words, and about how maybe this is a new beginning for them. He doesn’t know where it’ll take them, but he’s not going to overthink it. So he asks him, too, about work and about Nasch, he asks if he plans on writing another book, some time.

Before he knows it, Brendon is getting his car into a private parking lot in one of the nice parts of the city. Ryan isn’t fond of parties lately but if he remembers well, he doesn’t think there’s any club around. They’re in a residential zone. Brendon looks at him when they’re parked, twisting a smile.

“So, you’re ready? Any thoughts about where we’re going?”

“I have no idea,” he says, smiling. “I’m curious. I don’t know any place around here,” he adds, looking around them. “This seems sophisticated… Where are you taking me, mister Urie?” he laughs.

“Well, you can call me Mr. Urie when we get there, but I’m more of a ‘sir’ myself,” Brendon answers, and he places his hands on Ryan’s back to start walking towards the houses. Ryan looks at him while he walks, a raised eyebrow and a knowing smile.

“You’re kidding,” he says, and his smile grows wider when he looks around again and begins to understand what’s going on. “Oh, man…”

“You ever been at one of these?” Brendon smiles wider too. “It’s nice, it’s an intimate one, we’re on the list. And you don’t need to do anything, of course. We can just dance,” Brendon says, stroking Ryan’s back. “There’s a thing, though. No alcohol allowed.”

“Okay,” he nods, and he doesn’t look at him when he adds. “Yeah, I’ve been at one. A couple of times,” he says. He guesses it’s private enough for him not to worry about people talking if they recognize him. Not that he cares a lot, but he prefers not to deal with more people invading his personal life.

“Then I don’t need to explain you the rules. Nice,” Brendon smiles, and he rings a doorbell when they step inside one of the houses.

A girl wearing a suit receives them and Brendon gives his name so she can check them on the list. At least now Ryan knows for sure he’s not overdressed. The same girl guides them inside and downstairs to the basement, where it seems the party is taking place. The basement is _huge_ , and there’s a bar offering drinks that look delicious and some people talking and dancing around the place. There’s a stage too, where a dom is performing with two subs, tying them up and hanging them from a metal structure.

“There are private rooms inside, you can ask me if you need one, or in case you want to see one of the scenes that allow public,” the girl says, and Brendon nods and thanks her.

“You want something to drink?” Brendon asks Ryan, who’s taking a look around and getting in the mood pretty fast. The place is nothing like the one he’s been before, but the atmosphere is similar, everything is elegant and sensual and powerful.

“Yeah, okay,” he says, looking at him and smiling. “This place looks beautiful. I like it.”

“Yeah? I’m glad you do,” Brendon smiles, getting to the bar and asking the bartender for two drinks Ryan doesn’t know the name of. “I ordered for you, you don’t mind, right?” Brendon says, chuckling. “Sorry, I get in these places and I get in the dominating mood pretty fast.”

“It’s fine,” he says, watching him closely and biting the inside of his lip. “You’ve been here before,” he adds. He doesn’t ask because Brendon moves like he knows the place, so he just assumes.

“I know the host from before. Like, from before I even met you. From my dark past,” Brendon laughs, taking a sip of his drink when he gets it. “But my therapy worked pretty well, so now I know there’s nothing wrong with me liking this types of things.”

Ryan smiles at him and drinks, too, licking his lip when he swallows. Brendon fits in really good, this place seems to be perfect for him, he moves and talks and walks like he owns the place, or maybe that’s just Ryan’s perception.

“It’s sophisticated, like I said. Thanks for bringing me here,” he smiles. He feels comfortable. It’s been a while since the last time he was in a place like this one, and the experience there wasn’t really something to remember. He thought maybe he was going to be more nervous or a little tense around here, but he doesn’t. Brendon helps, too, he looks like he belongs here and that makes Ryan feel more confident. Like he knows nothing can go wrong with him here. It’s stupid, given that he could probably knock anyone out with a punch, but he feels somehow safer with Brendon here.

“Anytime,” Brendon smiles, reaching out to take Ryan’s hand again, brushing his fingers with his thumb before he fully holds it. “Let’s dance?”

Ryan’s smile opens slowly and he nods, following him. Brendon leads him to the dance floor, and they get between the rest of the people, getting close but not too much (not like that night at Ryan’s)  before he starts dancing. The music is nice, dark and electronic, but it fits the place and the looks. Lots of leather and vinyl and latex, some of those close look like work of arts, and people seem so comfortable in their skin it doesn’t look awkward when it shows, when they touch each other and kiss and kneel. Ryan lets himself be pulled into the mood, feeling the way it gets him and makes him feel more playful, free and daring. He starts moving with the music, too, laughing a little shy at first and looking up at Brendon when he thinks about something.

“You know,” he starts, and he’s hesitant at first, but he’s dying to feel him closer anyway, so. “I think I dance better when I can _feel_ it,” he says, and he takes a step closer, reaching out with his hands to place them on Brendon’s hips, laughing shortly again and looking down at his own hands.

“Do you want to feel it?” Brendon asks, and he moves closer too, resting not his hands but his arms on Ryan’s shoulders, so their chests brush. And their hips too. “You feel it enough now?” He asks in Ryan’s ear. He laughs again, and Ryan realizes he does that a lot when he’s nervous. The truth is, he kind of wants to feel it even more, but it’s too early for that.

“Enough for now, yeah,” he says, and he laughs to pretend it is a joke, even if it’s not at all. He can smell Brendon’s cologne or deodorant or whatever the fuck he put on that’s making Ryan want to sniff him like a dog in heat. “You smell good,” he purrs instead, trying to control himself.

“You don’t smell bad yourself,” Brendon whispers, so close his breath hits Ryan’s neck. “Good to eat, in fact. What did you say about getting marks where?” He jokes, or at least he laughs. Ryan, on the other hand, doesn’t laugh. He just gets goosebumps all over his skin as his heart speeds up. He swallows and clears his throat.

“H-how do you do that?” he almost whispers. It’s like Brendon’s suddenly taller and bigger and Ryan can’t function properly, he just can dance to Brendon’s music.

“Do _what_ exactly?” Brendon asks, his lips grazing the shell of Ryan’s ear, and just then it’s like Brendon’s body radiates heat. Raw heat.

“ _That_ ,” he breathes out, tilting his head subtly closer to his lips. “You know. You feel… powerful. Royal or, I don’t know, dangerous.”

“Dangerous?” Brendon smiles. Ryan can’t see it but he can feel it. He can feel the wolfish smile on Brendon’s voice as he asks and moves closer, dances closer, pressing his nose into Ryan’s hair when he speaks again. “And how do you like that?”

“I like that,” he says, sighing, melting. It’s like he’s getting high on something. His head feels lighter and his body limp. He even closes his eyes for a moment while he whispers. “I like that a lot.”

Brendon just keeps smiling, this time moving so Ryan can see him, so Ryan can know for sure the way Brendon is looking at him like he wants to haunt him and bring him home tied up and gagged. He smiles while he moves too, stepping forward and into Ryan’s body, so much Ryan needs to step back because Brendon is pushing him. And pushing. And pushing. Always following the rhythm of the music and moving from the middle of the dance floor to one of the corners, not stopping until Ryan’s back hits the wall, his chest rising and falling fast with every breath.

“What about now?” Brendon whispers, pressing Ryan between the wall and his body, talking right into his ear, his hands pressed against the wall at each side of Ryan’s head. Ryan looks at him with dark, liquid eyes, his mouth slightly open and the heat running up inside him, making him feel flustered. His eyes look down at Brendon’s lips, then, and he licks his own without even knowing he’s doing it. His brain seems to be too busy keeping him alive to answer the question. “I think you need something,” Brendon smiles, licking his own lips and looking right into Ryan’s eyes. He moves to brush their noses together, and he stays there when he asks. “What is it?”

“Kiss me,” Ryan pleads, almost whispering but knowing Brendon can hear him because he’s _so close_. He wants to lean in so bad, but something stops him from doing it and makes him swallow before adding. “Please.”

“Oh, so polite, baby, where did you learn that?” Brendon whispers with a smile and a maybe condescending tone, maybe mocking, maybe paternalist, but definitely dark. He leans in with the smile still on his lips, and he tilts his head just a little, just enough to kiss Ryan’s cheek softly, speaking directly on the skin. “Like that?”

“No,” Ryan says, and it sounds almost like he’s going to cry out of desperation because _not again_ , fuck. He’s been fucking dreaming about kissing him again for three years, he needs it so much he thinks he’s going to pass out when he finally gets it. If he does. Maybe Brendon tries to kill him softly and doesn’t plan on kissing him ever again.

“Then how?” Brendon chuckles. He’s enjoying this. He’s fucking having fun. “Come on. Tell me, like the good boy you are.”

“On the lips,” Ryan says, not even caring about it. He just needs it now. Fuck if Brendon is so composed it’s frustrating somehow. Ryan couldn’t care less. “Please?” He repeats. And he looks down at Brendon’s mouth again, waiting, almost feeling it on his own, living from the memories he has left.

“That’s a good boy,” Brendon grins, and his smile fucking shines before he leans in and uses a hand to hold Ryan’s face, brushing their lips together before opening them and taking his whole mouth in a wet, heated kiss.

Ryan kisses back eagerly, bringing up his own hands to put them on Brendon’s cheeks. He doesn’t hold him in place or makes him move, at all, he just places them there, opening his mouth and closing his eyes and breathing in the taste and the smell and everything he remembered and he wanted so desperately. Soon he’s out of breath, and he has to lean back just for a second, talking against his lips.

“How can you be so composed while I’m dying to kiss you?” he asks, whispering, his eyes still closed and his lips opening in a small smile.

“I’ve been practicing in my dreams for years,” Brendon answers, smiling too before leaning back down and placing his lips on Ryan’s neck, sucking and biting while he moves his free hand down and holds Ryan’s hip, pressing him farther into the wall. “This is way better, though.”

“Yeah?” Ryan asks, smiling and leaning his head back to give him more space. He runs his hands down his back, digging in his fingers lightly. “It’s way better than mine, too. Way, _way better_. But I can’t pretend you don’t make my knees weak, as much as I practice,” he laughs.

“We can always move to a place where you can rest your knees…” Brendon says in between kisses and bites, reaching Ryan’s ear before he adds, “or get on them.”

“Yeah,” he says, biting his lip and nodding. “But I wanna dance some more first. Wanna kiss you some more, too. Yeah?”

“We can do anything you want to,” Brendon says, and he kisses Ryan again while the pressure on his body stops and it’s replaced by Brendon’s hand grabbing Ryan’s shirt and pulling at him to move him from the wall and back to the dance floor. Ryan smiles wide while he lets himself be dragged back to the dance floor, looking at Brendon knowingly and starting to dance, losing all sense of embarrassment.

“I couldn’t help but notice how much you enjoy playing with me,” he says, smiling the whole time and getting close to Brendon again, resting his forehead against his and placing his hands on Brendon’s hips once again. “Feel free to do it all you want…”

“Playing with you?” Brendon laughs, knowingly, but he makes a doubtful face. “And what’s that supposed to mean? I’m not doing anything, am I?” He raises an eyebrow.

“You’re getting all playful, talking close, brushing my skin… making me feel all dizzy and heated,” he explains, talking softly. “You make my throat go dry and my skin stand up. You make my heart run like crazy and my mouth water.”

“I’m not playful at all,” Brendon shakes his head with a smile on, touching Ryan’s cheek with the back of his hand and slowly bringing it down, stroking his skin just with the tip of his nails, “but I like that your mouth waters because of me, ‘cause I’d drink you up whole.”

Ryan smiles and looks down for a moment, feeling daring when he touches Brendon’s nose with his own slowly. He swallows and tightens his grip on Brendon’s hip a little, swaying his hips with the music, waving his body, starting to feel his skin damp because of the heat and Brendon and everything. They kiss again. And then again. And they keep dancing while they do because Brendon doesn’t stop moving and laughing and spinning Ryan around when he feels so much he just can’t get it out any other way.

They don’t stop being close, Brendon doesn’t allow it. He keeps Ryan as close as he can and only moves away when the dance requires it, but never for longer than a few seconds. No matter how the music changes, Brendon always guides, and every time their bodies crash together again, Brendon kisses become rougher, they become bites. And as the kisses grow rougher, Ryan gets more turned on, and he gets easier to handle, biting himself and following Brendon’s moves. They stay like that for a while until he can’t take it anymore.

“I think I want to get on my knees now,” he breathes against his lips, swollen and bright with spit. His eyes are dark and he can feel the effects of Brendon on his body, starting to feel it even more between his legs.

“Then do it,” Brendon says, twisting a smile. “Get on your knees.”

“Right here?” he asks, raising his eyebrow, and he surprises himself because he doesn’t sound as shocked as he maybe should. He asks just like Brendon told him to dance a little more.

“Right here. Right now. Get on your knees for me,” Brendon says, pushing farther, the glimpse in his eyes getting brighter. Ryan laughs a little, biting his lip. He doesn’t even know he’s going to do it until he starts to crouch down, looking up at Brendon’s eyes the whole time, forgetting there are people around them, feeling like they’re all alone here.

Brendon locks his eyes on him and his pupils blow out so much the brown gets black. He clenches his jaw and his fists as he sees Ryan get on his knees, and his chest starts rising up and down faster. Brendon swallows and licks his lips when he moves his hand to stroke Ryan’s cheek, moving his hand to the back of Ryan’s head and tangling his fingers with his hair, not yanking but fisting it tight.

He just stays there, looking at Ryan for a few seconds that feel like a lifetime, and then he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, letting it all out.

“We’re gonna get a private room,” he says. He’s not asking, he’s just informing. “Or I’m gonna get kicked out for what I’m about to do to you.”

Ryan smiles a little and nods, biting his lip and staying down still looking up at him. He feels the anticipation, the need and the way his body prepares for whatever it’s going to happen in that room. He actually wants to take him to his house, so he can smell him on his bed sheets tomorrow, but he doesn’t know if they can control themselves all the way to his place.

“Okay,” he says, and right there he feels the tug on his hair making him stand up again. It’s not hard enough to hurt, and Brendon lets it go almost immediately, but it’s there, like a promise.

Brendon moves to find the host and asks her for a room, she greets him and speaks to him, but the music is too loud and they’re talking too close so they can hear themselves, so Ryan can’t hear what they’re saying. When Brendon goes back to him, he interlaces their fingers together and pulls at Ryan, making him follow him.

“Change of plans,” Brendon says, walking to what Ryan sees it’s the bathroom. “We don’t have free rooms and I’m not letting voyeurs get in, so we’re going home. But first…” Brendon pushes him into the bathroom and closes the door, locking it and looking at Ryan like a wild predator. Ryan feels the rush of the adrenaline for a moment. He realizes he fears him, but fuck, he loves it. “I’m getting those marks on your thighs. Right now,” he says, holding Ryan by the hips and sitting him up on the counter.

“Fuck,” he swears, and his chest moves fast with every breath he takes, the neck of his shirt getting wet with sweat already. “Yes, please.”

Brendon opens Ryan’s legs to get between them not even bothering taking his pants off. He grabs Ryan’s thighs and digs his fingers into them, pushing them apart and kneeling to mouth over the fabric, running his lips on the clothes, biting hard enough for Ryan to feel it but not enough to leave a mark. Yet. Ryan tangles his fingers through Brendon’s hair just to hold on something, letting his head fall back against the mirror and gasping, looking up at the ceiling because he’s going to lose his mind if he looks at Brendon. His dick gets interested right away, and Ryan feels how the suit pants are definitely too tight now.

“I need these off. Now,” Brendon growls and it sounds like an order Ryan would feel the consequences if he doesn’t follow. He can’t really not, anyway, because Brendon unbuckles his belt and unbutton his pants to take them off faster than Ryan can think of an answer. Brendon touches his thighs again, softer, then harder, getting back down to mouth Ryan’s cock over the fabric of his underwear.

“Fuck, _Bren_.” He tenses all over, his legs opening up just a little more on its own. His cock jumps just feeling him and he’s suddenly so hot it’s hard to breathe. Brendon’s mouth keeps running up and down his length, getting the fabric spit wet, using his tongue and his teeth. He plays like this until he decides to move to the side, biting hard right on the inside of Ryan’s left thigh.

“You’re gonna regret wanting these marks, baby,” Brendon grunts, licking a long stripe on Ryan’s thigh before biting down again, sucking and pushing his tongue, leaving a purple bruise. Ryan trembles and moans, hitting his head back against the mirror when he moves, shaking his head no.

“I so won’t,” he gasps, rubbing his fingers through Brendon’s hair and looking down at his own thighs so he can see the marks, his cock obvious beneath his underwear. He gets so turned on by every bite, the pain and the strength Brendon uses driving him crazy.

“You sure?” Brendon asks, like what Ryan just said was a challenge, and the next time he bites down, it really hurts, and it makes Ryan actually grunts because of the pain. He bites hard enough to leave the teeth marks around the dark purple bruise, and he licks it after he’s done, watching Ryan with a satisfied smile. Ryan moans right after, loud enough to feel ashamed if he cared because it hurts but his cock twitch with it.

When Brendon moves again, this time he gets up, but he digs his nails on Ryan’s thighs and scratches up as he kisses Ryan’s neck up to his mouth. He kisses Ryan raw, pushing his tongue into Ryan’s mouth and licking it, clashing teeth and biting lips, all while he leaves pink trails on Ryan’s skin with his nails.

“Are you ready to go home?” Brendon asks into Ryan’s mouth. He nods fast, his cheeks flushed and his eyes fixed on Brendon’s mouth. He dares to steal another kiss because he can’t resist, catching Brendon’s bottom lip between his own just for a second. It gets a grunt in response before Brendon kisses back, but Ryan can feel Brendon’s hand moving up to hold his face and open his mouth farther. Brendon keeps him like this, looking at him, breathing fast and loud. “I’m gonna fuck you,” he says, his eyes blown dark. “I’m gonna get you home and I’m gonna fuck you against the nearest wall. And I don’t even know what it’s stopping me from doing it here right now.”

Ryan looks back at him with liquid eyes and feeling his words in every inch of his skin. He doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t think he can talk right now, but he makes sure Brendon understands his stare, showing him how much he wants it, how he can’t fucking wait to feel him inside him. He does, or so it seems by the way he kisses him again, so intense it sends shivers down his spine.

Brendon helps him get down and put his pants back on, but that doesn’t mean he stops touching or kissing or biting. By the time they get out of the bathroom, their lips are puffy red and Brendon’s cock is clearly outlined under his leather pants, making him an absolutely pornographic vision. Ryan can’t take his hands off him the whole time, grabbing his hand again and following him close behind. He doesn’t remember the last time he was this desperate, he doesn’t even think he has felt it with anyone else.

The way home feels like a lifetime, and he spends it trying to control himself so he doesn’t touch Brendon and end up having a car crash. He closes his hands and tries to stay still as Brendon drives, looking at him sideways and fidgeting because his pants are _too tight_.

“I shouldn’t have chosen this suit, fuck,” he murmurs.

“Open them up. Your pants. And fucking touch yourself,” Brendon says, looking at him briefly and then at the road again, clenching his jaw. “Do it.”

Ryan looks at him for a moment just to actually know if he’s being serious, and he moves the moment he realizes he totally is. He opens his pants and lifts his hips up so he can push them down just a little, enough for him to feel a lot better. He sighs and gets his hand around himself beneath the underwear, sliding down on the seat a bit and pushing up against his hand out of instinct as his head falls back and a moan slips out his mouth. He touches himself slow, enough to feel the relief but not enough to come too soon, closing his eyes and breathing loudly.

“Look at you…” Brendon breathes out, taking a hand from the wheel and grabbing Ryan’s closest thigh, digging his fingers in. “Never seen anything prettier than you fisting your cock desperate to get fucked.”

“Please,” he says, shaking his head. “‘m not gonna make it if you…” he groans, stopping his hand for a moment and tightening the grip at the base of his cock.

“You’re gonna make it,” Brendon says, digging his fingers deeper into the skin. “You’re not allowed to come, boy. Don’t ever think of it. So keep touching yourself because the moment I start fucking you, my cock is the only thing you’re gonna get.”

Ryan didn’t think he had the strength he needed to actually make it, but somehow he does. And he takes a couple of deep breaths, focusing enough to start moving his hand again without getting himself to the edge. It’s hard. It’s maybe the hardest thing he’s ever done sex-related, but he discovers he can, mostly because there’s something in the way Brendon talks to him that makes him want to obey, makes him need to obey. And if he’s not allowed, he’s not allowed. It’s like his body just doesn’t belong to him anymore but to Brendon, and even if he wants to come desperately, he’s not going to do it until Brendon wants to.

Luckily Ryan’s house is not far from the place they’ve been, so they get to it pretty fast. Brendon tells Ryan to get out and open the door, and the moment they get out of the car Brendon is right there behind Ryan, holding him around his waist and kissing the back of his neck, biting sweetly and smiling dangerously. Ryan doesn’t know what can he hear more, his heartbeat or his breathe or the dogs barking inside the house. He just knows he can _feel_ Brendon everywhere, and it’s making him pulse as he opens the door quickly.

“Tell me,” Brendon whispers, never moving from behind Ryan. “Where do you want me to do it?”

“I, I don’t care. Wherever, my bed, here, I,” he stutters, ignoring the way the dogs try to jump them and tilting his head so Brendon can have space if he wants it. He can’t think properly to be coherent. He just wants it.

“Wherever? Your bed? Or here?” Brendon asks, lowering his head down and taking what Ryan is offering, opening his lips on his skin and kissing before he bites, harder than before. “Make up your mind, baby. Or maybe this ends right here.”

“No. No, please,” he says, leaning his head back and swallowing to try to make sense. He tries to focus on the decision because he really, really wants Brendon to fuck him against the wall, but his bed. He needs his smell in the bed. “My bed. Bed.”

“Run,” Brendon says to his ear just after Ryan finishes the sentences. And then he moves against Ryan, making him walk even if he didn’t want to, so intense it really feels like he should run for his life.

Ryan doesn’t know why, doesn’t even know how, but he feels the way his muscles tense and his body gets ready for it. Ready to run. And the adrenaline feels better than any other thing Ryan has felt before, the fear inside him again, that fear that he’s discovering tonight and he wants to explore over and over again. So he lets himself be dragged by it, and he starts to run towards his room. With the heartbeat in his ears and the sweat running down his back.

Brendon runs too. He runs fast, and it’s not playful, it’s like chasing a prey, like he’s going to devour him the moment he puts his hands on him. And he does, almost literally. Ryan hears the door closing behind him with a slam and the next thing he knows is Brendon is pushing him hard against the bed, a hand to his head holding him down while Brendon climbs him, conquers him, leaning down and biting Ryan’s cheek before he licks up a wet stripe and smiles.

“Should I tell you how this is going to be? Or you’ve already figured it out?”

Ryan looks at him with black eyes, so turned on by Brendon’s words and Brendon’s touch he can’t actually answer. He just stares at him and waits, waits for whatever Brendon has for him because he actually is willing to do anything he asks for. Or more like he commands. But Brendon grunts and moves his hand to Ryan’s neck, holding him down but also squeezing, clenching his jaw and looking at him.

“Should I show you some respect, boy? Answer when I ask you,” he commands.

“Yeah,” he says, his voice hoarse and his dick jumping inside his underwear. “I, I know.”

“Do you? So smart,” Brendon smiles, getting closer to Ryan’s ear and whispering. “Then you know you should give me a word.”

“Hawk,” he says, almost without thinking because he can’t fucking wait, his clothes already feel like burning his skin and it’s too much. “Please,” he adds, eagerly.

“You’re gonna make me fucking crazy,” Brendon groans, and his hands star moving desperately on Ryan’s body, tugging at his clothes hard, not minding if he tears it down, just trying to get them off Ryan.

He turns Ryan around when he manages to get his chest naked, holding him down again by his neck and kissing him roughly, moving his free hand down to Ryan’s belt and unbuckling it, opening his pants and touching his hard-on.

“I’ve missed it,” he smiles sideways, squeezing, kissing Ryan’s cheek softly. “Have you missed me?”

“Like crazy,” Ryan breathes out, arching on the bed and touching Brendon’s back, getting his hands under his shirt. “Like fucking crazy.”

Brendon moves Ryan up and to the center of the bed, holding his wrists and bringing them up, pressing them down there and kissing Ryan again, on the mouth, on his cheeks, on his neck, rough and wet and teeth first.

“I don’t like this bed,” Brendon grunts, squeezing Ryan’s wrist in place. “It doesn’t have any bars, where am I supposed to tie you up to?” He asks, opening a wolfish smile. “You’re gonna have to be a good boy and hold your hands up here and don’t move them.”

“I will,” he nods fast, and his hands actually tingle a little like they don’t agree with him. Ryan wants to touch him everywhere, but he wants to obey even more, so he doesn’t even hesitate for a second. “I won’t move them, I promise.”

“You better…” Brendon warns him, letting him go and starting to move down, kissing his chest, moving to one of his nipples and biting, biting, _fucking biting hard_. “Or I’ll make you pay.”

It hurts. Ryan is used to pain and it fucking hurts enough to make him twist and let out a groan, but right after that he moans, too. Because it hurts _so good_. He didn’t know pain could feel this good, that he would like it this much. He knew it wasn’t unpleasant for him, but what Brendon is making him feel tonight is so overwhelming he can’t even begin to understand what’s happening.

“Okay. Okay,” he whispers, nodding again and grabbing his pillow so he doesn’t move his hands out of instinct somehow. Brendon bites again, lighter, not just Ryan’s nipple but all over his chest, leaving little red marks on his way down.

Ryan’s clothes disappear once Brendon gets down, taking off pants and underwear and everything else all at once. He opens Ryan’s legs digging his fingers on the muscles, exposing him and looking at him shamelessly. When he moves down, he goes straight to Ryan’s cock just until the very last second, laughing and making his breath hit the hot skin before he moves and bites the already abused skin of Ryan’s inner thigh.

It makes him arch and moan and close his eyes as he leans his head back. There’s a mix of feelings, the hurt because of the bite, the sting because his skin is already bruised and the pleasure of it all. The way it feels physically and more. It’s like Brendon’s presence is making everything a million times more intense, it’s in the way he moves and looks at him, the way he just leads the situation like he owns it, handling Ryan however he wants. It’s sexy as fuck, but also frightening. Ryan feels more than comfortable, though, being Brendon the one in charge.

Brendon keeps kissing him and biting him and licking the bruises, moving and avoiding Ryan’s cock but teasing around. It’s torture, and Brendon is doing it on purpose because he smiles when he finally sees what it seems he was looking for, a drop of precum shiny on the tip of Ryan’s cock. A drop Brendon licks and hums like he hasn’t tasted anything better ever in his life.

“Please,” Ryan begs, feeling like he’s going to cry out of desperation soon. The sensations are too much, he’s not used to this and he feels like it’s getting out of his hands and he’s gonna explode any time now.

“Please, what?” Brendon asks, licking a wet stripe from Ryan’s balls up to the tip again, looking at him in the eyes. Ryan looks back at him with his mouth half open, breathing fast.

“Please fuck me,” he pleads, writhing a little and gripping the pillow so hard his fingers actually hurt. He’d care if he could feel it, but the rest of feelings are hiding anything else. “Please, I can’t… I’m not. This is, too, too everything and I can’t. I’ve never… I don’t know how to deal with this much, I-”

“Shh, hey!” Brendon shuts him up, chuckling like a motherfucker and kissing Ryan’s hard on one last time before he moves up, slow. He gets to Ryan’s face, still smiling. “I’ll fuck you.” He says. He promises. “But first you need to ask me properly,” he adds, and before Ryan can even think of what he did wrong, Brendon clears it up, lowering to his ear and whispering. “You missed the ‘sir’ part.”

That makes him moan again, and he doesn’t even know why anymore, but fuck, that’s hot. That’s exactly how Brendon feels right now, like a sire, like someone who owns the fucking world and you can’t contradict as much as you would like, not because you have to control yourself, but because you just _can’t_. He runs your mind, too. He fucking owns it.

“Please, sir,” he says, and it feels so right using that word. It doesn’t sound ridiculous or strange in his mouth, it sounds like something he should have said before. “Fuck me, sir, please,” he repeats just to savor the word. And just like that it’s like something inside him unlocks, and Ryan turns into someone he didn’t know he could be, letting himself go like someone who’s jumping of a cliff, knowing nothing is going to happen and enjoying the fall.

Brendon, on the other hand… Brendon just goes fucking crazy, like a beast unleash, he ravages Ryan’s mouth, pushing his fingers into his own mouth not bothering playing anymore, taking his hand back down and pushing two of them inside Ryan.

“So fucking tight,” he breathes out, biting Ryan’s bottom lip, scissoring his fingers. “Did this little hole miss me too?” Brendon teases, fucking Ryan harder on his fingers. He bites his lip and nods, moving his hips to follow Brendon’s movements.

“Yes. Yes, yes, sir,” he hears himself say. He doesn’t know what’s he thinking anymore, what’s going to come out his own mouth. The truth is he has just used his own fingers and a couple of toys since he doesn’t even remember when, and Brendon has to feel it, because Ryan sure as hell knows he’s going to feel it, too.

“So good. So, so, so good, baby, _fuck_ ,” Brendon says like he just can’t believe it. “You were made for me, weren’t you? Fuck yes,” he says, kissing Ryan one last time before he turns him around not bothering taking his fingers out. “Get this pretty ass up for me,” he asks, almost too sweet except for how he finishes his sentence with a hard slap on Ryan’s ass cheek, making him gasp surprised and tremble.

And it’s been a long, long time since Ryan was in this position. So long it feels a little weird at first, but he obeys anyway, opening his legs wider and wiping the sweat from his forehead with the pillow. He’s used to being the one in control most of times, or at least sharing it, and his mind is trying to understand all of this at the same time it tries to survive the overwhelming stimulation. This is not like anything he has done before, but Brendon is not like anyone he has done before, either.

Brendon holds Ryan’s hips and pulls at him hard, making him bump against his own still clothed hips, his cock hard under his leather pants. He rubs himself against Ryan’s ass, obscenely, using his hands to open Ryan’s cheeks and expose him, slapping him again before Ryan can hear him opening his pants. Brendon’s hand goes back to Ryan’s hip and that’s when Ryan feels it, the hot, thick hardness pressing against him.

“Condoms and lube, baby,” Brendon pants, thrusting against Ryan’s body. He gasps and swallows a couple of times before he can actually talk.

“Second drawer,” he says, pointing with his chin to the nightstand next to the bed. Brendon reaches for it, not letting go of Ryan’s hips while he does, grabbing the lube and a condom and leaving the latter on the mattress and uncapping the lube, squeezing it directly over Ryan’s ass and making it get in him by adding a third finger.

“You’re… tight,” Brendon breathes out a laugh, twisting his fingers. “You’re gonna feel amazing on my cock. Although… well, I’m afraid your condoms aren’t my size,” he says, teasing Ryan pressing his cock against Ryan’s ass and moving his fingers in him. “I don’t think we can fuck.”

“What?” That makes Ryan wake up of his hypnotized state a little, looking at Brendon over his shoulder with what he sure knows are the best puppy eyes he has. “But, w-why?”

“Can’t risk it, can I?” Brendon pouts too, and then bites his bottom lip, turning his fingers around inside Ryan. “This condom doesn’t fit me…”

Ryan makes a complaint noise, letting his head fall back on the pillow and rubbing it against it as he feels the heat running up his neck with every touch of Brendon’s fingers inside him. He hasn’t had someone else’s fingers inside him since forever, and he didn’t remember how different it felt from his own.

“Please. I’ve been safe. I… I haven’t. You… Have you?” He asks without looking at him, sounding as frustrated as he feels. Brendon leans down, though, pressing his whole body on Ryan’s.

“Do you want me to fuck you bare?” He asks to Ryan’s ear, taking his fingers out and brushing now Ryan’s hole with the head of his cock. “You want to know if I’ve been safe?” He chuckles, kissing under Ryan’s ear and pushing, just a little, just the tip in before he takes it out. “I’ve never fucked anyone bare since you. I haven’t fucked anyone… since you.”

“Fuck.” Ryan is shocked by that information that he actually stops breathing for a whole three seconds while his entire body trembles and his skin stands up on edge. Knowing that injects him some kind of desperation he didn’t have before, and makes him turn his head to look at Brendon. “Fuck me bare. Please, do it. Please, _sir_ ,” he gasps, pushing back with his hips with regained energy.

It’s instantaneous. It’s like the word ‘sir pushes a button inside Brendon that makes him lose it, so the moment it comes out of Ryan’s mouth Brendon thrusts against him almost violently, the lube making it easy for him to invade Ryan’s body and claim him his. He holds Ryan tight, close to him, letting him adjust and also feel how deep inside he’s got Brendon in him.

“Jesus, fuck, Ryan,” Brendon says under his breath, his fingers for sure leaving bruises on Ryan’s hips.

“Yeah…,” Ryan nods, moaning and arching his back a little, resting his forehead on the bed again. “Hold on a second, please? Fuck,” he laughs shortly, gasping for air and feeling his body trying to adjust to Brendon. It’s been way too long. Brendon kisses the top of his head, and Ryan can feel him twitch inside him.

“Yes. Yeah, don’t worry. It’s okay,” he says, and it sounds like he’s not just trying to calm Ryan down. Ryan turns his head to look at him again, smiling a little with his eyes running over Brendon’s face.

“Hi,” he says, and he laughs again, swallowing and licking his lips. “Can I get a kiss, please?”

“Can you tell me how the fuck are you so perfect?” Brendon asks back, leaning down and kissing him, not rough but intense like he wants to swallow him whole. “I can’t believe I’m not dead yet.”

“I can’t believe _I’m_ not dead yet,” Ryan says, still with a smile on and brushing his nose against Brendon’s, whispering. “We have to talk about what the hell you got inside that makes me go crazy, but first I think you can start moving now,” he says, smiling playfully before adding. “If you want, sir.”

“Such a smart kid,” Brendon opens up a smile, starting to move back slowly and spanking Ryan’s ass on the way, not getting out completely before pushing back in, repeating this move a couple of times before he speeds up the rhythm a little bit. “Have you done this before?” Brendon asks, tangling his fingers in Ryan’s hair and making him look up, not really pulling too hard.

“Tried, a couple of times,” Ryan says between gasps, moaning a little. “But it was _so not_ like this. At all.”

“You mean like this?” Brendon says, letting go of Ryan’s hip to move his hand down and touch Ryan’s cock. Just a brush, from base to tip, before he starts moving faster. Ryan trembles with every touch, and he doesn’t know how he manages to keep talking, but he does, even though his voice gets hoarse and he has to breathe a lot between words.

“They didn’t make me feel _this_ ,” he says, swearing under his breath because he feels so, so close but still so far away. “They didn’t get me. They… _fuck_. They weren’t powerful enough.”

“Am I?” Brendon lowers his voice, he almost growls, pressing his nose to Ryan’s head and fucking him harder, faster, deeper, scratching his skin and leaving pink trails under his nails. “Am I powerful enough to make you come untouched?”

“ _Yes_ ,” he says, as an answer and also as a reaction, moaning loudly. “Yes, fuck, yes, you are, sir.” And he would right now if he had the permission because he’s going to explode.

“And you’re my little good boy, aren’t you?” Brendon groans, holding Ryan’s neck and pushing him down, pressing his head against the pillow, fucking him so hard it echoes in the room, those filthy sounds reverberating in Ryan’s ears. “So ready for it. So willing. So eager to come on his sir’s cock,” Brendon says, and it sounds so dirty on his tongue. “Come on, baby, let me feel it. Squeeze my cock inside you while you come.”

It’s like he’s been waiting for it his whole life, and the moment the last word leaves Brendon’s mouth Ryan lets out a long whine, shaking with it as he comes. The orgasm is so fucking intense he can’t hear anything for a moment and his legs tremble so hard he’s afraid he’s going to fall down on the bed. He comes and comes and it feels like it’s never going to end, until he’s exhausted and soaked in sweat, his throat raw and dry.

“What a mess you made,” Brendon moans, trying to keep the composure in his voice but moving, thrusting so erratic it’s almost impossible, kissing, biting Ryan’s ear and anything in its vicinity, unable to focus. “I should make you lick it clean,” he says, and Ryan feels it inside, the pulsing, Brendon so close. “Instead I’m gonna make a mess of you. Inside you.”

He keeps moving, his fingers keeping Ryan in place when he moans louder, moving his hands to hug Ryan as close as he can when he comes, hot and thick inside Ryan’s body, so much it drips out while Brendon is still coming, still fucking him. He curses under his breath, squeezing Ryan until he’s dry himself, only then letting Ryan go to fall exhausted by his side.

Ryan lets himself fall down with a groan, too, swearing and moving close to Brendon’s body while he tries to breathe normally.

“Okay, fuck. That…” he says, laughing a little. “You need to explain what the hell was that.”

“That was me coming my brain out my cock. So yeah, I don’t think I can explain much,” Brendon says, laughing breathlessly. “I don’t even know how I’m talking full sentences.”

“You’re awesome like that,” Ryan answers, laughing again and sighing as his heart and lungs go back to normal pace bit by bit, blinking slow and pushing his hair back. He stays like that while he recovers, looking at Brendon closely, watching his damp skin and flushed cheeks and wet hair.

“No, I’m pretty sure you’re the awesome one,” Brendon smiles, moving closer to him and throwing a hand around Ryan’s waist. “You were perfect. Like, it’s like I fucking made you on a computer to please me. What the heck?” He laughs, tickling Ryan’s side and making him laugh and squirm a little.

“I don’t know! That’s what you’re supposed to explain,” he says, taking in a deep breath and letting it out loudly. “It just… felt right. Doing that, obeying, waiting, pleasing you. It felt like the right thing to do,” he looks at him the whole time, biting his lip. “This is all… really new to me. I mean, I tried but it failed and I’ve felt things today I’ve never… felt. Not like this. It was similar when we… you know, before. But not this much.”

Brendon just looks at him for a moment, like he’s thinking of Ryan’s words, of what he just said. He moves and shifts to get more comfortable, getting over his side to look at Ryan. He reaches out to push some locks behind Ryan’s ear and smiles.

“It did feel right. I’m glad you felt it too,” he says, lowering his eyes and smiling bigger. “It’s been so many years since I’ve done anything like that… but it was like you brought it up for me, like my body knew exactly what to do like there was a connection between both of us and I knew what I had to do to make you respond the way you did,” he says, and then he laughs when he looks back up. “I have no idea why or how. It was like we had been doing the same for ages.”

“Yeah. Yes, exactly, that’s. That’s it. I… don’t understand what was happening, but my body seemed to do. It felt… natural,” he says, looking at Brendon with a smile and getting closer, lowering his voice. “It was weird because it was like too new but like we were doing this a lot at the same time. And it felt amazing, but sometimes it was like, what’s happening to me, you know? Because I’ve never been this pliant before, but man, it felt so fucking good,” he talks fast, like his mind is over excited and he needs to let it all out. It’s almost like he’s on drugs or something. He’s never been this talkative after sex before.

“It felt like fucking heaven. It felt like…” Brendon laughs, closing his eyes and shaking his head, and as he lowers his voice he pulls Ryan closer. “Don’t get this the wrong way or anything. You know I’m not like that. Or. If you don’t, I’m telling you, I’m not like _that_ … But it felt like you were completely mine. Whole.”

“Well. I think I am. I was the whole time,” he whispers, laughing a little and looking down, touching Brendon’s skin softly. “You know what happened to me?” He asks. He’s read a little, but not enough to really know. Also, it’s been a while.

“Nothing happened to you…” Brendon shakes his head and gives him a warm smile, grazing Ryan’s neck and shoulders with the tip of his fingers. “You just liked it. It’s okay,” he says, moving his hand back to Ryan’s hair and getting a little closer. “We just happen to fit that good.”

“Okay,” he smiles, biting his lip. He keeps talking and he doesn’t even know what he’s going to say until he hears himself, but he can’t stop talking. “Whatever it was I wanna do it again sometime. I wanna explore it and learn how to let me go completely, what can I do and everything. And you make me feel so confident about it, so safe and willing to do anything it’s like one of my best wet dreams,” he laughs, looking up at him. “Am I talking too much? Sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me I just can’t shut up or something?”

“It’s okay,” Brendon laughs too, shaking his head. “There’s nothing wrong with it, your brain is just dealing with the rush of hormones the best it can. So don’t worry,” he smiles. “That’s also why I think you should think about that later, once you’re sex sober,” he laughs, “so you know what you’re talking about. I don’t want you to… regret saying some things.”

“I don’t think I will regret anything. But okay, sure,” he says, nodding and reaching out with his hand to touch Brendon’s hair, smiling. “You look pretty. Well, you always do, but now it’s like you shine or something. And I don’t think that’s my brain, so shut up and deal with the fact that you’re even more beautiful after you come,” he laughs. “I get the feeling that you know a lot about this thing and you could teach me so many things.”

“I could t--” Brendon chokes and laughs, shaking his head and bringing a hand to his face. “Ryan… Can you not? I. Um,” he licks his lips and takes a deep breath. “I’m trying not to jump your bones again here. Help a man.”

“I wouldn’t stop you. But my ass is destroyed so you’d need to use your imagination,” Ryan laughs, rubbing his nose on his cheek.

“Don’t tease me. I have a lot of imagination…” Brendon bites Ryan’s chin, making him laugh again.

“I would _never_ tease you…” he says, lowering his voice a little. Brendon laughs too, lower this time, pulling at Ryan by his waist roughly, making their bodies crash, biting Ryan’s cheek and talking against it.

“I don’t like bad boys. Should I discipline you?” Brendon asks, and there’s a bit of a joking tone but for the most part, it’s just plain dangerous. It makes Ryan goes back to that previous state just like that, his throat getting dry and his heart skipping a beat.

“I…,” he starts, swallowing and licking his lips. “I’m almost tempted,” he laughs shortly, kind of nervous and looking at him amazed. It’s incredible what Brendon makes him feel in a second. “W-what kind of discipline?”

“Oh, would you like to know?” Brendon laughs, biting the corner of his bottom lip, moving to whisper in Ryan’s ear. “There are _a lot_ of things I could do to discipline you.”

“Which one would you choose?” He asks, kind of breathy. It’s not his fault Brendon can leave him breathless just _talking_.

“The one that would work better, of course,” Brendon says, shrugging without losing his smug smile. “Since I don’t know which one is that… I’d have to use all of them.”

Ryan looks at him and swallows again, laughing a little. He knows a bit about punishments, just the basics he thinks, but Brendon’s tone is enough to make him feel the fear. He’s curious too, though, a mix that’s been present the whole night. He doesn’t say anything about that but keeps watching Brendon, mostly because he can’t look away. Brendon laughs again, it seems like he’s enjoying this. He licks his lips and tilts his head, looking at Ryan in the eyes.

“There are a lot of… uh, categories. But the first two are pretty easy. Some punishments hurt on the outside, and some on the inside. Which one do you like the most?”

“Outside,” he says right away. “Which one do you like to inflict the most?”

“Oh, both,” Brendon answers not even thinking about it. “There are a lot of fun things when it comes to mind games, but I’m also a fan of the classic spanking.”

“I noticed,” Ryan says, smiling knowingly.

“You never thought about trying the other kind of punishment?” Brendon asks like he’s really curious about it.

“I… I don't really know much about it? But mind games… I don’t know. I’m not sure if my mind can take it,” he explains, laughing a little.

“I see…” Brendon nods, looking away for a second and then back to Ryan. “Do you know what edging is?” he asks, raising a playful eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Ryan nods. “Is that inside or outside punishment?”

“Inside, of course,” Brendon smiles. “It can bother on the outside, sure, but the focus is your brain.”

“Oh,” he says, surprised. He blinks a couple of times, snuggling a little against Brendon’s body and trying to get the covers over him at the same time. “What else?”

“You mean inside punishments?” Ryan nods, finally getting under the covers and moving back to cuddle with Brendon, offering him to get under them too. Brendon does it, cuddling together and hugging Ryan in his arms, kissing the top of his head before he speaks again. “Well, there’s the isolation too. You know what that is?”

“No,” he admits, feeling more relaxed now, like his brain finally decided to slow down. “But it sounds frightening,” he laughs.

“Well, it depends. Every sub needs a different kind of punishment. I know some people find it really helpful.” Brendon explains, touching Ryan’s back, caressing him. “Isolation means taking away all your senses. Like using blindfolds, canceling headphones, some special gloves so your hands can’t touch anything, and also retraining you so you can’t take those things away. It’s not a sexual punishment. It’s plain discipline.”

“I see,” Ryan says, listening closely. That sound terrifying actually, he doesn’t know why. “Have you done that before?”

“Yes. Just once, though,” Brendon says, twisting his lips. “I’ve done mummification a lot. It’s kinda similar to isolation. That’s when you immobilize the body completely using things like plastic wrap. That’s what I used every time.”

“Oh, okay. I’ve seen that,” he nods, looking at Brendon's eyes. “Am I a sub, then?”

 


	10. Addiction

8.2

“Am I a sub, then?”

“What?” Brendon laughs, clearly surprised by the questions, he blinks a couple of times and tilts his head. “Well… do you think you’re a sub?”

“I think I am with you, yeah,” he says, thoughtful. “Never found someone who could make me this pliant. Make me _want_ to be pliant. But you do,” he explains. “You made me want to desperately please you tonight.”

“Then maybe you’re not a sub, maybe you’re just _my_ sub,” Brendon says, and it sounds like a joke for a second but then Brendon face changes like something just hit him, like the implication of what he said being true are too much to handle in some way. Ryan swallows and stays silent for a moment.

“You… Is that okay with you?” Like,” he laughs a little. “I don’t really know if that implies anything or… Um. I don’t know a lot of things,” he looks down, feeling too naive right now. It’s an unknown feeling for him and it makes him feel vulnerable somehow.

“It was… Uh,” Brendon clears his throat and tries to laugh it off. “It was just a joke, I didn’t… You’re not. We just clicked, it happened, that’s all. Maybe you just connect with a few people, but that doesn’t mean… That. No. Being mine like…” Brendon closes his eyes and laughs again, shaking his head and swallowing. “That’s not something you do after just a session.”

“Oh. O-okay,” Ryan says. Somewhere deep inside he can feel a bit disappointed, he doesn’t really know why. He hopes it doesn’t show on his face, though, because they just had sex for the first time since the last time they saw each other and Ryan is maybe already going too fast, even if he doesn't have any idea about all this.

“Anyway, I don’t think that’s something you’d be into,” Brendon says, not really looking at Ryan anymore, at least not at his face. He crosses it sometimes, but he never stays. “Being someone’s means like… you know, 24/7 sub.”

“I don’t understand,” he says, frowning a little. “Isn’t being a sub just a sexual thing?”

“Oh, no,” Brendon answers immediately, then he twists his lips. “Well. I mean, yes, it can be. Like you can be a sub just when it comes to sex, you can even be some kind of 24/7 sub meaning you’re always up for when your dom wants sex, anytime, anywhere, just when they feel like it. But that doesn’t happen often. If you’re a 24/7 sub then you’re a sub in every sense of the word.”

“I see,” Ryan nods. “And can’t I be a sub just in sex but still feel like I belong to someone? Like. Being someone’s even though I’m not a sub 24/7.”

“But that’s being a sub,” Brendon chuckles, shaking his head and looking at Ryan. “Okay. What do you mean, belonging?”

“Um. I…,” he frowns because he actually never thought about it. “I don’t know how to explain it,” he says, thinking. He bites his lip, touching Brendon’s collarbone softly and looking at his own hand instead of Brendon’s face. “Like. Knowing there’s never going to be anyone like that person? Um. Knowing no matter what happens, they just have you forever and, I don’t know, they have a part of you you don’t even want back because you want them to have it,” he explains, wrinkling his nose a little when he finishes. “Maybe that’s a too romantic version of it, I just realized…”

“Yeah, I think you just described love,” Brendon laughs, shaking his head. Ryan blushes a little, not really knowing why. “You can love your dom, of course. In fact, I don’t think there are 24/7 subs who don’t love their dom and the other way around too. But those are totally different things.”

“Okay,” he says, sighing and laughing a little. “I hate not knowing things. I feel stupid.”

“Why? Don’t say that, you’re not stupid. Feeling stupid about it is stupid,” Brendon laughs. “You just got in, it’s okay to ask things. That’s how you learn.”

“Yeah, I know, I just,” he shrugs, his eyes fixed in a little mole between Brendon’s collarbones. “I’m not used to being this ignorant about something, I guess. Too much pride here,” he laughs.

“You just said minutes ago you wanted me to teach you things. That’s what I’m here for. Also…” Brendon wrinkles his nose and makes a face, biting Ryan’s cheek. “A good sub forgets about pride.”

Ryan smiles small, looking up at him then and lowering his eyes to stare at his lips.

“I do want you to teach me things. And I think I dealt with pride good enough before, didn’t I? I was good, right?” He asks. He meant it as a joke at first, but he actually sounds concerned about it, and he is. Suddenly it’s important for him to know he was good enough. Brendon smiles, something really subtle changing in his eyes.

“You were so good,” he smiles, lowering his voice and moving his hand to hold Ryan’s face, getting closer. “The best I’ve ever had,” he adds, closing the little distance between them and kissing him, licking into his mouth soft and sweet but also claiming, like fire. Ryan melts in the kiss, kissing back with a sigh and feeling his body go limp.

“Really?” He asks against his lips when they stop for a second, feeling his chest full and his smile spreading happily on his face.

“Promise,” Brendon smiles, nodding. “Wouldn’t lie about it.”

That makes him smile bigger, hugging him closer and looking at his eyes.

“Can I get another kiss, then?” He laughs, leaning in but waiting for him to actually kiss him. Brendon brushes their noses together, laughing and licking his lips, tangling his fingers in Ryan’s hair.

“Why don’t you make me a little happier and ask it like you know I like it?” Brendon whispers. Ryan laughs a little and nods, swallowing and whispering, too.

“Can I get another kiss, please sir?” He asks, biting his bottom lip because that feels somehow more intimate than anything they’ve done tonight. It feels like they’re sharing something no one else knows, just them.

It’s like it really pushes a button in Brendon’s mind like it makes him click and become something else, something whole. Brendon doesn’t answer, he doesn’t say yes, but his whole body does. He moves to kiss Ryan, catching his lips and pushing him against the bed, softly, warm, like the kiss they’re sharing. Before Ryan can know it his back is pressed against the mattress and Brendon is covering him, not just with his body but with his aura. He kisses him, pushing his tongue to lick, opening Ryan’s mouth like it belongs to him, taking sweet bites here and there, making the kiss hotter and hotter each second it pass.

Ryan turns into jelly beneath him, easy to handle. He sighs and brings his arms up and around Brendon’s neck, kissing back following his moves, as pliant as before, his eyes closed. It’s like he just disappears and just exists Brendon’s mouth and Brendon’s body over his, his breath and his skin. Ryan just stops existing to feel Brendo on top of him. He opens his legs out of instinct, not really looking for anything, just wanting Brendon’s body to fit in with his.

When Brendon abandons his mouth is just to kiss his neck, up and down, biting his earlobe, sucking on the skin, his hands traveling around Ryan’s body like it’s a map Brendon wants to learn. It gets hot under the sheets, and Brendon just moves away to take off his shirt, going back to Ryan like he’s the water fountain he never wants to stop drinking from.

Ryan doesn’t waste time before he moves his hands, needing to feel his skin under his palms. He slides them down his back, not scratching but digging in his fingers a little, feeling the muscles on Brendon’s back clenche every time he moves. Ryan touches his arms, too, his sides, chest and belly. He wants his hands to remember his body, to learn his curves and edges all over again.

“Ryan…” Brendon breathes out, closing his eyes, swallowing. “Baby, let’s stop,” he whispers, kissing Ryan again but breaking it right away. Brendon looks him in the eye and pushes back his hair. “You need to rest.”

“I can rest tomorrow,” he says, his breath already coming out with effort. He looks back at him with liquid eyes, swallowing. “But I’ll stop if that’s what you want.”

“I want you to be okay,” Brendon says, his fingers scratching Ryan’s scalp. “I don’t want to exhaust you. And right now I… Fuck,” he laughs, closing his eyes and lowering his head down. “You’re irresistible.”

Ryan laughs too, leaning in to kiss his cheek once, two times, kissing then his chin and nose, his closed eyes.

“I’m perfect,” he whispers. “I’m not too tired. Or, well, I am for another round like last one, but I can take this. I’m okay with slow and tired if you are,” he laughs again. Brendon takes a deep breath.

“What do you want?” He asks, finally looking at Ryan again. “What do you need?”

“I wanna taste you,” Ryan whispers, rubbing their noses together. “I need you in my mouth. Aside from that, you can do anything you want to me.”

“Go for it,” Brendon licks his lips and closes his eyes again. “I’ll give you a head start.”

Ryan swallows and licks his lips, his mouth already watering as he moves to start kissing Brendon’s neck at the same time he slides down his hands until he gets to the curve of his ass, grabbing and pulling at him so Brendon gets the idea of what he wants. Brendon gets it, of course he does, and as he moves and crawls up, he touches himself even if he’s ready.

It’s not planned, to get so heated up again, but it’s like their bodies can’t stop needing and wanting each other. They’re tired, it shows, or at least they’re not as fresh as when they started, but that doesn’t make it less intense. It feels like they could do this the whole night, the whole day, to just let them consume them in the fire they’ve ignited. And maybe Ryan will feel the lack of sleep tomorrow, but right now he can’t care less. He can’t think of a better way of losing sleeping hours.

 

*

Next morning Ryan wakes up with an ache he hasn’t felt in a long, long time. He is tangled in a mess of limbs, sheets and hair, but he can smell Brendon’s scent and everything they did the night before. He has a moment of thinking _oh my God, we just did that_ , but then he just decides to enjoy the moment and how good it feels to feel Brendon’s heat on his skin or the way he breathes deep against his body. Ryan cuddles closer to him, his nose brushing against the back of his neck but trying not to wake him up.

Since he’s so awake and he doesn’t care what time is it, he decides to prepare him breakfast and gets off the bed carefully, getting dressed and looking back at the bed over his shoulder. He bites his stupid smile as he looks at Brendon’s naked body half covered by the sheets, sleeping peacefully, closing the door slowly after him when he finally gets out.

Rat is lying on the floor at his door, and she looks up at him like she’s really sad and she feels guilty or something. Ryan then realizes they left her outside and she’s used to sleep with him every night and he feels really, really bad about it. She probably slept the whole night there, waiting for him to open the door, and now she feels like she’s done something wrong.

“Baaaaby,” Ryan whispers, crouching down to take her in his arms and kissing her between her ears. “I’m sorry, sweetie. So sorry. I’ll make it up to you, okay? But you did nothing wrong, my love. You’re my baby, yeah? Forgive me?” He tells her as he walks towards the kitchen. Rat seems to forgive him pretty soon, though, licking his face and wiggling his tail. She twists in his arms but stays there, her tongue out and her eyes bright again.

Ryan lets her go, washes his hands and starts to make breakfast for two, but he gets interrupted when he hears a phone vibrating in the living room. He stills for a moment and frowns, and then he remembers Brendon’s phone is somewhere in there and he swears, going to the living room to check it’s not his own phone. He’s not going to nose around Brendon’s cell, of course, but he doesn’t need to look to imagine who’s going to be. Brendon spent the whole night in his place, they forgot to tell Cassie, and Nasch is still with her.

“Shit,” he murmurs, and he leaves breakfast half made and grabs Brendon’s phone, walking back to the bedroom, his bare feet not making any sound.

He opens the door quietly and enters the room, smiling again as he sees Brendon in the same position he was before. It’s been so long, it’s like his mind can’t believe what he’s seeing but like time didn’t pass at all at the same time. Ryan puts the phone on the nightstand beside Brendon’ side of the bed and sits on the edge slowly, leaning on his hand at the other side of Brendon’s body and leaning down to kiss his cheek softly. He brushes his nose on it, and kisses his jaw, his neck, slow and sweet, caressing the skin of his arm at the same time. Brendon moves and smiles still in dreams, reaching for Ryan with his whole body, seeking the touch.

“Hey beautiful,” Ryan whispers, still close to his skin, breathing in his scent and smiling softly. “Morning… I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up. But your phone rang a couple of times,” he says, kissing him again on the forehead, and once more on the tip of his nose.

“Hey…” Brendon murmurs with a sleepy smile, and then he opens his eyes wide and sits up. “SHIT I STAYED THE NIGHT.” Brendon moves to look around, then at Ryan. “Cassie’s gonna kill me. My phone. You said...”

“The nightstand,” Ryan points at it, reaching out to get it and giving it to him himself. Brendon takes it immediately, sweeping his thumb over the screen and looking at what it seems to be a lot of text messages and a few missed calls.

Brendon moves his hand up to excuse himself while he brings the phone to his ear with the other one, murmuring ‘ _shitshitshitshit_ ’ until whoever he’s calling picks up.

“Cassie I’m so so sorry,” he says, and then Ryan can hear Cassie speak on the other side of the line, but he can’t make up what she’s saying. He just sees Brendon nodding and saying “yes, yes, I know, I’m sorry, I should have called.” Cassie keeps talking and Brendon rubs his face with his hand, breathing deep and letting it out. He smiles, though, so it must be not so bad, after all. When he finally hangs up, he keeps looking at the phone in his hand for a while until he looks up to Ryan. “Well. I’m an awful father,” he says, laughing and shaking his head.

“Hey, don’t. Don’t say that,” Ryan says, reaching out and touching his leg softly. “I’m sorry… I entertained you too much,” he laughs, but he makes a face because he feels a little guilty.

“You entertained me a lot,” Brendon laughs, breathing in and out again, making a face too. “A nice entertainment,” he adds, looking at Ryan. He stays in silence for a few seconds, just looking, with a soft smile on his face. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” he smiles back, looking at his disheveled hair and biting his swollen lips. He hasn’t looked at himself in the mirror, but he must look totally wrecked. “Did you sleep fine?”

“Great,” Brendon answers, the smile still on his face. “We kinda… went overboard last night, huh?” He jokes, laughing a little. Ryan laughs a little, too, and he has the urge of kissing him suddenly. He licks his lips and shrugs.

“It was pretty good,” he says, looking at him hesitating. “Right?”

“It was awesome,” Brendon says, laughing again and looking down, licking his lips too. “I never thought… Well. You know. This could happen,” he laughs again, looking back up. “Are you okay with it?”

“I’m,” Ryan laughs a bit, tilting his head a little. “I’m more than okay with it.”

“I just don’t want things to get… weird. And. I don’t know, since we just started to be friends again and all that jazz, and I’m so… fucking happy of having you back in my life,” Brendon chuckles, shaking his head. “I don’t want to do anything to ruin that, you know?”

“I know. I really, really know,” he says, laughing shortly and getting closer. He grabs his hand, interlacing their fingers. “I feel just the same, you know? I was really afraid of losing everything we have, but this…” he laughs again, not finishing the sentence.

“This is good, right? We’re adults and everything. We can act like one,” Brendon jokes, squeezing Ryan’s hand in his. “I’m glad we…” Brendon stops, his eyes having found something to get fixed on at Ryan’s back. He blinks, and then he swallows, and only after a few seconds he looks back at Ryan. “You kept them.”

“Um. What?” Ryan gets really confused at the sudden change, but then he looks over his shoulder to whatever caught Brendon’s attention and his heart jumps. He forgot about the pictures. Their pictures. The ones he kept and watches everyday first thing in the morning. “Oh. Um… Yeah. I,” he looks back at Brendon, not knowing what to expect. “I did.”

“I…” Brendon keeps looking at the wall like he’s mesmerized. “I thought I lost them.”

“I brought them all with me when I moved,” Ryan explains, looking down at their hands. “You can, you know, take some of them if you want.”

“Well…” Brendon moves his head but his eyes keep fixed on the pictures. “I… I don’t know, it’d feel weird to…” He licks his lips and swallows, finally looking at Ryan. “I don’t want to break them apart. They belong together.”

“Okay,” he whispers, smiling at him and biting the inside of his lip. “Are you… okay with me having them, like, here?”

“Yeah,” Brendon answers right away, nodding. “Yeah, of course. I’m surprised you want them…”

“Of course I want them,” Ryan says, squeezing his hand a little and swallowing. He wants to say a lot of things about those pictures, but he doesn’t know if he’s going to fuck this up.

“Then they’re yours,” Brendon says like it’s that easy, like he didn’t just give Ryan memories from years of his life.

“They’re yours, too,” Ryan says, looking at his eyes. “But I’ll keep them for you if you want,” he smiles, laughing a little to relax the tension on his shoulders.

“They’ll be in good hands, I’m sure,” Brendon says, smiling. “There’s a bunch missing, though. The ones with my little girl on them. They belong together too. They’re in her room, though. A small collection for now.”

Ryan smiles, biting his lip.

“I’d like to see them. I’m sure they’re beautiful,” he says. “Your little one is awesome. Like father, like daughter,” he laughs.

“Am I awesome?” Brendon laughs. “No, I don’t think so. She’s so much better than me.”

“Well, she is,” Ryan jokes, wrinkling his nose and laughing right after. “I’m kidding. You’re different. You know, she’s small and innocent. And you’re not innocent _at all_.”

“I so am _innocent_ ,” Brendon brings a hand to his chest, faking being shocked. “What are you implying?”

“I’m not implying. I’m saying it,” he says, smiling at him. “My body can tell how you’re not innocent.”

“I can shut up your body, that filthy liar,” Brendon mutters, then he laughs. “I am innocent. In some ways…”

“Are you?” Ryan mocks him, getting closer again, lowering his voice. “I don’t know that part of you… But you’re good at showing me things I didn’t know.”

“I’m glad you think so… I like teaching. I like teaching _you_ , too.” Brendon smiles, bringing Ryan’s hand up to kiss his knuckles. “But you need to tell me what you want to learn.”

“I wanna learn everything,” he says, laughing right after. “Well, except maybe that mummification thing…”

“You’re not that into isolation, huh?” Brendon smiles softly. “We can take it slow, just tell me what you want to explore each time and I’ll make it good for you.”

“I’m sure you will,” he smiles.”I do want to learn more about the whole punishment thing, though. Like. I’m a good boy,” he says, smug. “But, you know. Edging sounds interesting. I know what it is but never did it.”

“You are a good boy…” Brendon laughs, looking at Ryan and twisting his lips. “I’ll make a list of things I think you could like. And I think I should probably go get my daughter before I start putting them in practice right now.”

Ryan laughs but nods, moving to stand up. He kind of wants Brendon to stay forever but he knows he has to go and Nascha needs him, so he smiles at him.

“Go get your princess. I can wait,” he says. Brendon laughs and kisses Ryan’s knuckles again before he pushes the covers off and gets out of bed.

He’s still naked, and Ryan takes a good look not even trying to hide it. He moves around picking his clothes and putting them on, letting Ryan see the way his muscles flex. Not much of a dad body for a real father. Brendon sits on the bed again when he’s done, looking at Ryan.

“I’ll see you around, huh? Give me a call when you’re free.”

“Will do,” Ryan nods, looking at him like he’s still naked even though he’s already dressed. “Give Nasch a kiss and tell her I will make cupcakes again next time she comes see me.”

“Sure, like she needs more reasons for you to be her favorite,” Brendon laughs and stands up again. “I can walk myself to the door.”

“Okay,” Ryan says. “I’ll go take a shower, then. I slept on a dirty spot the whole night… Not sexy at all,” he laughs. He stays where he is, though, hesitating a little before he talks again. “Can I get a goodbye kiss?”

“Sure,” Brendon smiles, reaching up and kissing Ryan softly on the lips. “See you.”

“Okay…” He says again, and as much as he doesn’t want to get paranoid so soon he can’t help feeling the weird atmosphere. The kiss or the fact that Brendon decided to walk to the door alone. It doesn’t feel quite right, and the kiss was just strange. Ryan swallows and tries to hide his confusion, maybe it’s everything in his mind. “You alright?” He asks, though, because he can’t shut up. Brendon frowns and laughs like he doesn’t understand the question.

“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know, I just,” he says, laughing and shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Are _you_ okay?” Brendon asks, frowning again, but this time he doesn’t laugh. He keeps a strange smile on like he doesn’t know if he should be taken this lightly or not.

“Yeah. Yes,” Ryan answers firmly. And he’s not lying. “I’m perfect.”

“Then everything’s good, right?”

“Yeah, I think so,” he says, looking around. “Like. I just felt the atmosphere a little… weird? But maybe I’m just paranoid. It wouldn’t be the first time,” he laughs.

“Chill, okay? We’re fine. Everything’s fine. We just said minutes ago we wouldn’t make this weird,” Brendon laughs, resting his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “Everything is okay. Say it with me.”

“Okay. Yeah. Everything is okay,” he laughs, nodding. Brendon’s hand on his shoulder still feels weird, but maybe Ryan is taking this too seriously. Maybe he’s going too fast again. He needs to stop overthinking things.

“Okay,” Brendon laughs, nodding too. “See you around, Ross. Gonna go get my offspring from my sure as hell mad-as-fuck best friend,” he says, moving his hands quickly goodbye before he walks out the bedroom.

Ryan stays right where he is for a few seconds, standing in the middle of the room, blinking his confusion away. He thinks this is maybe what happens when he’s getting his hopes up and Brendon really just wants sex. He doesn’t know this for sure, and he tells himself so because that’s not fair and assuming didn’t get him to good places last time. He’ll just have to wait and see what happens. And in the meantime, he really needs that shower.

 

*

 

“I think I made a mistake,” Ryan says after saying hi to Spencer, sighing, with Rat all sprawled on top of him.

“You need to be more specific,” Spencer says, and he sounds like he’s eating something crunchy while he talks to Ryan.

“So, long story short. I went out with Brendon because I got jealous and I thought I could, you know, follow your and Tom’s advice. Stop overthinking and see what happens and all that,” he says, sighing again. “Things got… heated up.”

“You fucked him,” Spencer says in a monotone. He doesn’t even bother asking, he just says it like it’s obvious. “It’s not a mistake, man. You had fun. You showed him that other dude has nothing against you. So what?”

“Yeah, no. I don’t think fucking him was a mistake, you know? I don’t regret it at all,” he explains, wrinkling his nose. “But it was a mistake getting too… involved. Like. Everything was just fine during sex. But then the morning after he was just. Cold,” he says, putting his thoughts in order as he talks. “I’m not used to that with him. And then I realized I should have done the same. Like, I’ve done that a million times before, every time I fucked someone and it was just sex. Later it was cool and everything but no closeness, you know? No intimacy. I think he did that, and I didn’t. That was the mistake.”

“... okay,” Spencer says, and he stops chewing, so Ryan knows he’s got his attention now. “I’m not gonna ask why the hell didn’t you act like you should because… Well, just because. But it’s over. I mean, you fucked him. You both were cool. You felt kinda stupid afterward, but that’s all, right? Go on with your life, dude.”

“Yeah…” he says, but he knows it’s not that easy. First of all, because he knows they will do it again, they actually talked about it, so. But also because that’s not all. Ryan shouldn’t have gotten so involved, he didn’t even realize he was doing it, and he can’t do that again if this keeps happening. “Yeah, I know. I just needed to know if I was being paranoid. Like, this is how it feels when the other person just wants sex, right?” He laughs, but it’s not funny at all.

“Ryan. Man…” Spencer sighs and Ryan can almost see him rub his face. “You should know how it is when you have a one night stand. You’ve had plenty. It’s not a big deal, you just go back to normal and that’s all.”

“Yeah. You’re right,” he says. But the thought hadn’t crossed his mind until now. Not like that. The thing is it makes sense. Brendon acted like that was a one night stand, and that’s totally okay. Ryan was the stupid one. You don’t ask your one night stand for a goodbye kiss and you don’t make them breakfast. You tell them it was good and you say goodbye and walk to the door by yourself because you already know the way. “You’re right…”

“Yeah, I’m right, but you’re clearly not. What’s bugging you? Spit it out already,” Spencer asks, chewing again. Ryan makes a face and brings his hand up to rub it.

“I’m okay,” he says to his friend, mostly because he doesn’t want to bother him being stupid. Also, he knows what Spencer’s going to say.

“Yeah, lying to me it’s gonna make it so much better,” Spencer answers, and Ryan is sure he’s rolling his eyes too. “Come on. You called. That means you’ve got something to say. Either that or you were so bored you decided to prank call me. It’s not a funny one if that’s the case.”

Ryan sighs and closes his eyes, shaking his head and rubbing his eye with his hand until he’s seeing little stars behind his eyelid. He takes a few seconds before talking again.

“I made him breakfast,” he says, and he hufs because it’s even more stupid saying it out loud now. “I made him breakfast and asked for a goodbye kiss,” he adds, shaking his head again, staying silent for a few seconds once more. “Jesus Christ… Like I said, a fucking mistake.”

“Okay. You acted like a tool. But what did he do?”

“Well, he said ‘sure’ and gave me the shortest kiss ever. And then he waved his hand goodbye when he left. Oh, and he called me _Ross_ ,” he tells him, laughing at himself. Spencer laughs too, probably at him as well.

“Well, that’s your name,” Spencer says. “Man, if you didn’t like it just don’t do it again. And I don’t mean the sex, I mean everything. If it isn’t for you, just stop it.”

“Yeah…” Not happening. He knows that. And he knows Spencer knows, too.

“Or just tell him! I don’t know, man, sometimes you’re more complicated than Linda. Didn’t Elisa help you with that? Talking things and stuff?” Spencer says, and he sounds like he’s starting to lose his patience. It was about time. “Tell the physio you want something else, so if he’s gonna crush you he can do it already.”

“I think Elisa _made_ me like this,” he laughs, pulling his hair back. “Thanks for your advices, Spencer. I really appreciate them. And your patience,” he adds, mocking him. “Just so you know, sometimes guys just want to talk about it.”

“Yeah, and girls just wanna have fun, they made a song about it,” Spencer mockes back. “Then talk about it. With him.”

“You’re a true friend,” he answers, and he turns his head towards his cellphone when he feels it vibrate on the couch. He sees a text from Brendon and his heart speeds up a little as he opens it. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Brendon’s text is not what he would have expected, and his throat goes dry as he reads the words. _I found some rope that would look so pretty around your wrists._ Ryan actually hits his head with his own hand a couple of times because no fucking way. This is going to end him.

“You’d die. I’m pretty sure of it,” Spencer lets out a smug laugh. “The fuck is that sound? Are you hitting something?”

“Myself,” Ryan answers resigned, tipping on his phone to write the answer to Brendon, asking him how are they going to feel. If he’s going to be stupid, he might as well be it one hundred percent.

“What??” Poor Spencer has no idea of what’s going on, and he sounds extremely confused. Ryan laughs. “You’re hitting yourself?”

“You know, trying to make my stupidity go away. Like in Avengers when they had to hit eye hawk so he gets out of that mind control,” he says. His phone vibrates again, and he reads the three messages so fast he has to read them a couple of times. Which makes it even worse, because he shouldn’t be feeling this heat inside his body as he talks to his best friend.

Brendon’s texts are not helping to his mental sanity. _They're gonna feel awesome. On your wrists, on your thighs. Maybe other places too. Can’t say everything, surprises are always fun. Also, I bet a little fear will make you even tighter._ Ryan is so going to hell.

“Dude, are you okay? You need me to come visit? You sound delirious,” Spencer says, chuckling a little but showing a little concern in his voice too. Ryan makes a sound because, well, he’s so not okay. But he laughs right after.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about me, man,” he says, trying to think what the hell is he supposed to answer to Brendon. “I’m fine. It was a joke.” So funny.

He tells Brendon that sounds hot, the wrists and thighs part. The fear one, too, but that one sounds hotter for him, he guesses. He feels the pull on his lower stomach as he asks him if he has something else in mind apart from rope.

“I don’t know, man, you don’t sound like joking. In fact, you sound more like choking,” Spencer says, and Ryan can almost see him raising an eyebrow. That makes him laugh, louder this time, and he actually feels a little better. Maybe because now he’s too busy trying not to get too turned on while he’s still on the phone with his best friend.

“I’m fine, Spence, really,” he says, still laughing. Until Brendon’s answer comes. _My hands. My fingers._ And Ryan forgets how to breathe for a moment because that motherfucker.

“Whatever you say, man…” Spencer answers, not sounding really convinced. “You’re gonna do something about your problem, then?”

“Yeah,” he says. Repeat his mistake again, he thinks. He doesn’t care right now, to be honest, as he writes to Brendon and asks him if he’s going to leave a mark. He already did three years ago, but that’s a whole other story. “I think so, yeah. I’m still trying to know what exactly.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a perfect plan,” Spencer answers, not really having it. “Look, if I were you I’d just let it go.”

“Yeah?” He asks, paying attention to him for a moment. “And you’d keep going just like that and see what happens?”

_I’m gonna carve my name on your body._ It’s Brendon’s next answer and Ryan’s heart stops for a moment, probably because his cock beats in its place. He lets the phone fall to the couch and his head back against the cushion, making a desperation face and swearing without a sound. He makes Rat get off him because this is getting heated up and it feels _too_ weird.

“The guy was friendly afterward, right? Then keep it friendly, man,” Spencer answers. “And the sooner you get another hookup, the better.”

“Okay,” he says. Sure. Friendly. Bdsm friendly. “I’ll try that.”

He appreciates talking to Spencer, and he feels really bad wanting to hang up because he was the one who called and bothered him about this, but Brendon’s texts are turning him on and he’s not going to have a hard-on while talking to his best friend. No way in hell. He asks Brendon what about his handprints because he’s a masochist like that.

“Sure you will…” Spencer says back. He knows Ryan too well. “So… that’s it?”

“Yeah,” Ryan says, laughing a little. “Thank you, man. Really. I know you hate these talks. I’m really glad you listen to me. I gotta go now, though,” he says as he receives Brendon’s next message and sees he just sent an audio clip. “I think Rat is destroying something in my room,” he lies. Poor Rat, he loves her so much.

“Sure, man. Go get that demon. Talk to you later,” Spencer says his goodbyes. Ryan would feel guilty, but the moment he hangs up he whines, biting his lip as he presses play on his phone to listen to Brendon’s voice.

“You really want them, don’t you? Maybe you can get a nice spanking if you ask like a good boy.”

Ryan is really, _really_ thankful he stopped talking to Spencer because he feels his whole body tremble and his cock getting deeply interested in the conversation. He’s the worst friend ever.

He considers his answer, he doesn’t know if he should write it or send an audio clip back. If he should ask for it right away or play a little. He feels daring, and he wants to know where are Brendon’s limits, push until he makes him look down and behave. He bites his lip and writes his answer, telling him maybe he deserves it if he’s not that good. This time Brendon doesn’t answer back, not even after a few minutes after reading Ryan’s text.

This time, though, he calls. Ryan would like if he said he can’t feel the fear running down his spine, like a kid who just did something really wrong and got caught.

“Hey,” he says when he picks up, waiting for Brendon’s reaction. It comes quickly, like a hurricane.

“Are you trying to play me, boy?” Brendon asks right away, and there’s that voice again, that deep, rich, and dark voice Brendon only uses when he’s in bed, so smooth it sticks like honey but it also gets you trapped in it. The one that makes Ryan tremble and his skin get goosebumps all over. “You think you can play me? You think I can’t _smell_ you from here?”

“I’m not playing,” he says, but he is. He still is, even though he doesn’t feel that brave anymore. There’s something in Brendon’s attitude that makes him back off just like that, but he wants to push a little more. It feels like going against himself, though, and he knows he’s not going to be able to hold on for a long time.

“Oh, you are,” Brendon chuckles, low and dark. “You must feel so much courage, huh? Hiding behind a screen. I wonder how long you would last if I was there with you. I bet your cock is already so hard you could cream your pants like a teenager. Am I wrong, baby?”

“No,” he admits, trying not to sound too pliant. He’s actually making an effort, and he swallows and bites his bottom lip hard, his heart beating hard in his ears.

“Of course not,” Brendon says, the proud smile in his voice. “Are you wet already? I kinda want to feel it on my tongue. You taste fucking delicious,” he keeps saying, his voice so close it actually feels like he’s right there with Ryan. He doesn’t even know how he can be this hard so fast, how he can be so ready after the night before. “Do it for me, baby. Taste yourself.”

“What if I don’t?” He asks after a few seconds, not as firmly as he’d like but at least he manages to say it. The next thing he hears is not an order or a punishment. It’s Brendon laugh. He’s laughing, quietly but amused like he’s really the one playing here.

“Such a brave little boy…” Brendon says, chuckling. “We’re gonna need to fix that, don’t you think? Do you know how we can fix it?” He asks, lowering his voice. “I think brave little boys need to be tied up and beaten and fucked hard. I think they need to be used to be reminded what they really are. I think _you_ need to remember what you are, baby boy. And what you are is _mine_.”

Ryan feels the words in every cell. His skin stretching, his cock twitching, the heat gathering in his lower stomach. His mouth goes dry and he can actually _feel_ his nipples get hard. He didn’t know words could get him this much, but Brendon always had that power over him, his dirty mouth always made Ryan go crazy. This time Ryan feels it, the limit, this is what he was looking for, so he doesn’t say anything, he just swallows and touches himself a little over the fabric of his pants to feel a little of relief, trying not to make any sound.

“I think it’s time for you to know who’s your owner, whom’s the only pleasure you should care about. So you’re gonna get punished, baby. You’re gonna learn your lesson good and when I’m done with you, you’re gonna say ‘sorry, sir. Thank you, sir’ like those are the only words you know,” Brendon keeps saying, and then he laughs again. “So it begins, baby. This is what you asked for. And, by the way… I hope you enjoy your first session of edging.” And just like that, Brendon hangs up the phone.

Ryan swears out loud and groans, letting his head fall back and closing his eyes. He touches himself just like he’s been doing while Brendon talked. And he’s so close already it’s ridiculous. It’s like Brendon’s words were hands, touching him everywhere and making him feel a hundred things all at once. He thinks about his words, the way his voice got darker when Ryan pushed, how he laughed low and dangerous. The possessive tone and the threats. Ryan comes so hard he gets deaf and blind for a moment, breathing hard and arching on the couch, the orgasm so intense it makes him tremble. When he’s done he’s exhausted, and he wonders how is he going to survive Brendon next time if he did this to him just with words.

 


	11. The signs you leave behind

9.

During the next weeks, they grow closer and closer. At first, this sex thing is everywhere, and Brendon sends him texts and sometimes he calls and Ryan discovers a whole new Brendon that drives him crazy and makes him do things he never thought he would do. He has learned during these few weeks things he couldn’t even imagine, and he found out he has something inside to explore and enjoy beyond words. So they fuck a lot, but they hang out too. They get used to seeing each other almost every week and sometimes more than once, to keep getting inside the world of the bdsm sex or just to spend a few hours together, walk the dogs, go somewhere with Nasch or watch movies surrounded by dogs.

The press talk, too. And Ryan doesn't listen because he’s not interested. He knows what they’re saying and as long as Brendon doesn't care, either does he. Ryan even receives an email from Z telling him she knew he was the father type, but he replies her saying she knows exactly how that works and that the rumors aren't true. Sometimes he feels guilty for ignoring her like that. He doesn't answer her calls and barely replies an email or two once in a while. He knows she’s not a bad person, they actually got along pretty well, but he hated her for a while back then.  
  
Ryan hated a lot of things. He hated the press and hated journalists and hated himself for being who he was because that didn't let him have what he wanted. Ryan even hated hockey, and he felt so lost he knew he had to find his way back. But nothing about that matters now.

They are friends, and they act like it, just that sometimes with benefits. Ryan has learned his lesson, too, and after that first time, he gets better at behaving like a one night stand. No more breakfast, no more kisses or soft touches outside bed. Friends don’t do that, so he slowly learns to separate the moments they are sex involved and the moments they are just two close friends spending time together. Ryan enjoys those moments, he feels like they really connect again after all this time, like they can be really good friends.

They spend so much time together Ryan even starts having baby things around the house, feeding bottles in his kitchen, toys in the living room and a story book or two in the guest room. To be fair, he himself bought a couple of toys or five to have around when they visit, and he even got one of those lamps that makes stars appear in the ceiling when you turn it on, so Nasch falls asleep seeing them. He has a blanket with ducks playing hockey in his room and a pack of diapers in the bathroom, and he absolutely loves everything about it.

It’s Wednesday and Ryan is free, so Brendon is working on his laptop sitting on Ryan’s couch while Nascha is playing around on the baby carpet. It’s been a few weeks since Brendon stopped asking Ryan when he was free, it was much easier to just give him his schedule so Brendon could just show whenever he wanted. At first, he still called before coming, but then he understood Ryan was always there.

Ryan is having a deep conversation, or more like a monologue, with Nasch about the differences between wolves and foxes, and she agrees with him here and there screaming a lot of letters and drooling all over herself. She’s so charming.

“I’m seriously worried about her dehydrating anytime now,” he tells Brendon, making a face to make her laugh when Nasch looks at him.

“It never happened to me, it sure as hell won’t happen to her,” Brendon laughs. “I was way worse.”

“You drooled a lot?” He asks, looking at him smiling softly.

“Talking takes a lot of lubrication, okay? I just took a little time to learn how to swallow,” Brendon laughs, looking up from his laptop and looking at Ryan through his glasses. “But I can say I’m pretty good at it now.”

“I can say it, too,” Ryan says casually, laughing a little. “I don’t know those things. I just know I started walking because my mom was in the kitchen and I was too stubborn to cry for her attention from the living room,” he laughs again, giving Nasch a toy she was trying to get. “Or at least that’s what my father told me once.”

“Oh, I can see that. You are stubborn,” Brendon laughs, closing his laptop and paying full attention to Ryan. “I used to hit the piano. Hit, not play, I was too little for it. My family had a piano in the dining room and I used to sneak around to try and play it.”

“Ohh, so that’s where it comes from!” Ryan says, looking at Nasch. “You got that from daddy, right?” He laughs, looking back at Brendon again. “She does that, too. You learned how to play?”

“Well, you can say that. I never really learned, but I guess I can play a little,” Brendon shrugs, smiling. “I’m sure she’ll be better than me, ‘cause daddy will get her a teacher if she ever wants to learn.”

Ryan smiles at him, looking at his eyes for a few seconds before turning back to the baby.

“Hey, princess,” he says, grabbing her and looking at her big eyes. “Wanna play the piano? Wanna show daddy how good you are? Yeah?” He watches her trying to jump and saying a lot of inexistent words. “Yeah! Come on,” he adds, taking her in his arms to go to the piano. He looks back at Brendon and smiles at him, sitting on the small bench when he gets there with little Nasch on his knees.

The moment he gets one hand on the keys, Nasch does the same, starting to hit them all with both hands and making him laugh. He plays with one hand and keeps the other one around her waist so she doesn’t fall because she tends to get a little too excited. Ryan can hear Brendon laughing and then there are steps. Brendon gets in his visual field then, wearing the biggest, dumbest smile ever, looking at them both like he’s watching something incredible. He doesn’t say a word, though, he just stays there, a little apart, enjoying the show.

Ryan smiles at him, and the faster he moves his fingers the harder Nascha hits the keys, starting to scream at the same time. Ryan laughs and encourages her to sing, the smile always on, his eyes traveling from her to her father.

“You got yourself an artist here,” he says, Nascha’s hand grabbing his like she wants to tell him exactly how she wants him to play.

“I’m in shock. I’ve got myself _two_ artists here, actually,” Brendon laughs breathy, shaking his head. “How I haven’t seen this before?”

“We wanted to surprise you one of these days,” Ryan shrugs, laughing a little. “But she actually is better than me, too. So the true star is her,” he adds, kissing her head. “Right? The one and only, Nascha! Yeaaaahh,” he cheers. Brendon laughs, shaking his head again.

“I knew she was a star already… But you, though,” Brendon looks at him, his smile getting warmer. “I never had the privilege.”

“I’m not that good,” Ryan answers, kind of shy. He smiles and wrinkles his nose. “I’m actually pretty clumsy, that’s why I’m using just one hand. I’m pretending I know how to play, but I really just know a couple of notes,” he laughs.

“Humble doesn’t look good on you,” Brendon jokes, getting a little closer. “If you’re clumsy then I’m glad you never heard me play. I’m glad to hear you, though. You make it really pretty, even with a crazy baby hitting the keys by your side.”

Ryan laughs and looks down, hiding behind the locks of hair.

“Thanks,” he says, and he needs a couple of seconds to look back at Brendon again, a smile still on. “I started to play when I was in high school. My teacher said I was a little rude with keys,” he laughs. “I was too slow learning and then hockey took more and more time and I quit,” he tells him. “But I really like it. So I learned some things by myself and play sometimes. But, you know, pretty easy. I just know the basics.”

“I stopped playing when I left home,” Brendon smiles, making a face. “I’m serious, you’re so much better than me. After that, I only had the opportunity to play some keyboards here and there. One of the things that made me fall in love with our… with your old house was the piano. It’s a pity I never got the time or the mood to play.”

“Well, you can do it now,” Ryan says softly, pointing at the bench with his chin. “Come on, join us.”

“I don’t know what to play,” Brendon chuckles, and he actually sounds nervous while he approaches the bench, sitting down after a few seconds but not putting his hands on the keys. “Let’s jam a little?”

“Okay, whatever you want,” Ryan says, and he actually has to move a little because Nascha got bored and decided to stand on his legs and play with his hair instead, drooling all over him. He doesn’t care, he’s used by now. So he holds her close to prevent her from falling and moves his hand back to the keys. “You lead.”

Brendon nods, and so he does. He starts moving his fingers on the keys tentatively but shockingly precisely for someone who claims not to have played in a long time. He looks at Ryan and waits for him to follow before he actually gets to it, moving his fingers faster, using both of his hands to create the melody. Ryan smiles and looks at him mesmerized. Brendon plays like he does everything else, with passion and confidence, so composed it almost looks like he was born with a piano on his hands.

Ryan follows his lead, laughing when it doesn’t sound really good but going quiet when the melody turns beautiful. They keep going for a while until Brendon stops and he does, too, smiling bigger and hitting his shoulder softly with his own.

“You’re a liar,” he says, looking at him closely. “That or you should give yourself more credit.”

“What? Why?” Brendon laughs, shaking his head. “Come on, I was just… It’s not that big of a deal. And I was using both hands, so.”

“Shut up. Using both hands is actually harder than just one,” Ryan tells him, smiling. “You’re good at it. Obviously not a professional, but. You could be if you wanted. You’re a natural,” he says, grabbing Nascha’s wrist to make her let go of his hair or she’s going to leave him bald. “Right, baby? Tell daddy, tell him,” he adds, using her hand to point at him and faking a high pitched voice. “You’re pretty, pretty good.”

“You’re crazy,” Brendon breaks out laughing, bringing a hand to his face and shaking his head again. “Jesus…” He sighs with the smile still on his face, looking at Ryan. And then just that, he keeps looking at Ryan without saying a word, biting down his smile not to make it even bigger. Ryan looks back at him, too, his smile widening, and then he can’t see him anymore because the little monster throws herself at her dad, claiming him with a loud scream. Brendon opens his arms immediately like he’s used to these kinds of attacks. “Woah, hey! Someone wants attention, huh? Tired of bugging Ryan already?” Brendon asks her, laughing.

“She never bugs me, come on,” Ryan says, laughing a little and caressing her back a couple of times. “She wants her daddy to tell her pretty things, right? It’s okay, I feel you, lady,” he adds.

“Do you want pretty things too?” Brendon smiles, almost mockingly, but he keeps the warm tone as he carries the baby in his arms, cradling her. “I think she wants her bottle. If you help me make it I’ll tell you pretty things,” he says, sticking his tongue to Ryan, making him laugh.

“I’m already seeing two pretty things,” he says, moving to stand up. “But I’ll take that offer. I can take care of it if you want.”

“If you’re so ready, go for it, substitute daddy,” Brendon laughs, standing up too and trying to calm Nascha in his arms, who is starting to get upset.

“Oh, no. No substitute. No way I can be the super dad you are,” he says as he walks towards the kitchen, laughing a little. “Maybe clumsy apprentice…”

“You should stop calling yourself clumsy,” Brendon smiles, kissing Nascha’s head. “It’s okay, baby, your bottle is getting ready, okay? Ryan is getting you a delicious meal, right? Tell him he would be an awesome daddy,” he tells her, then looking at Ryan and laughing a little. “Well right now she doesn’t think I’m an awesome daddy either,” he says, looking at the baby who is already crying, clearly mad she doesn’t have her bottle already.

“I’m sure it’s not like that. I mean, you get just the same when you’re hungry,” Ryan mocks him, laughing as he prepares Nascha’s bottle. “Deep inside she knows you’re the best. She’ll remember when she eats.”

“Hey! I don’t cry when I’m hungry…” Brendon frowns, and then he pouts. “I mean, I may have gotten really upset, but not to the point of crying…” he laughs, reaching for the bottle, waiting for Ryan to give it to him.

“Well, you’re an adult,” he says, giving it to him when he finishes. “You have your own way of letting out your frustration. She cries, you get all grumpy,” he smiles, still mocking him. He’s not lying, but he finds it pretty cute, actually. He doesn’t mind at all.

“Blah blah blah, you don’t know what you’re saying,” Brendon dismisses it with a move of his hand, and then he grabs Ryan’s chin and moves his face to kiss him on the cheek. “Thanks for the bottle,” he says, smiling and starting to feed the baby. Ryan smiles.

“You’re welcome, Mr. Grumpy,” he laughs. Brendon wrinkles his nose but he doesn’t complain out loud. He just gets comfortable and keeps feeding Nascha. Ryan watches him for a few seconds with the smile still on, and then he starts to get the toys from the floor. “So, I was thinking. I’m in New York next weekend, but I’ll have Monday off. There’s a place in Elk Grove Village, a beautiful woods with animals and picnic areas and everything, and I thought about going, grabbing a couple of bikes and spending the day there so Nasch can feed an elk and everything. What do you think?”

“I think she’ll get crazy for it and love you forever and forget about me to adopt you as your dad,” Brendon says, and he laughs. “So, we’re in.”

“Awesome!” He says, laughing a little. “Also, you’re coming, too, so we’re not forgetting about you, super daddy. I think you’re gonna like the place. Nature and quietness and a lot of animals to see. No reindeers, though, I’m afraid,” he adds, smiling at him.

“Come on!” Brendon complains and shakes his head. “No reindeers, no deal. I need reindeers. Even if it’s a toy,” he crosses his arms the best he can with the child still in them, defensively. Ryan laughs as he finishes with toys.

“Okay, then! I’ll find you a reindeer,” he says, shaking his head. “The things I do for you…”

“The things _I_ do for you,” Brendon replies. “I teach you about the wonders of reindeers. You should be grateful.”

“I _so_ am,” he laughs. He looks up at him, then, smiling and staying silent for a few seconds. “It’s gonna be weird spending the weekend away. Like, I know it’s not the first but. They are always weird. And now that I’ll be traveling more often…” he makes a face, laughing a little right after.

“You’ll be traveling more often?” Brendon asks, finishing feeding the baby and leaving the bottle to the side, moving her to put her over his shoulder to make her burp.

“Yeah, you know. A couple of weeks of more matches than usual. Come on, I gave you my schedule,” he jokes, laughing shortly. “I just have a couple of games outside in between weeks and the one on Sunday in two weeks, I think,” he says, trying to remember exactly the dates. “Just a couple of busy weeks, that’s all.”

“Ass, I thought you meant traveling more often in, like, your whole life. Like you were gonna do something extra to make you travel,” Brendon shakes his head, then he looks at the baby. “That was a bad word, baby, daddy didn’t mean it.”

“You keep saying those things,” Ryan laughs, sitting on the couch. “That’ll be the first word she’ll say. Besides daddy, of course,” he adds.

“She can say dad, too. And ‘hi’. You know that, she screams it at you every time she sees you. And yeah, that pitched scream is a ‘hi’,” Brendon adds, laughing.

“Oh, sorry. I’m not that good at translating yet,” Ryan smiles, grabbing Nascha’ small foot and pretending he’s going to eat it. Nascha screams and laughs and almost kicks Ryan’s face, but she also tries to grab it with her little hands. Brendon laughs too, holding her tighter so she doesn’t fall.

“You should learn. No substitute daddy can get far without a good sense of hearing to translate baby to English.”

“Tell daddy, Nasch, come on. He doesn’t listen to me. Tell him nooooo,” he says, making a high pitched voice and still playing with the kid. “Ryan is no substitute! No one can replace youuuu, daddy!”

“Wow, I never heard a _worst_ baby voice _ever_ ,” Brendon mocks him, laughing. “She doesn’t sound like that at all. Now I see how you can’t translate her good…”

“Shut up,” Ryan says, laughing and turning his attention to him. “You’re the worst at changing subjects, just saying.”

“Okay, okay, no substitute daddy. Ryan won’t ever leave his title of a confirmed bachelor, no babies for him, kiddo,” Brendon says to the girl, pouting too.

“Hey! That’s not what I said, asshole,” he says, punching his arm lightly. Brendon laughs, moving to the side, pretending Ryan punched him hard enough.

“But it’s the truth!” Brendon says, shaking his head. “That’s what you’re meant to be. You can’t take that bod from the public, 89 Ross,” he laughs.

“Bah, they actually think I’m already a dad, so. No point, there,” he says, smiling triumphantly.

“Well, they just need to get you to bed to realize they’re _totally_ wrong,” Brendon laughs and wiggles his eyebrows. Ryan throws a dirty look at him, but he laughs.

“They’re not gonna get me to bed, anyway, so,” he shrugs. Brendon laughs too, twisting his mouth.

“Hard to get too? What a catch…” He jokes again. Ryan shakes his head as he laughs again, looking up at Brendon once more but staying silent for a moment. “What? It’s true! If they knew what they’re missing… they’d be waiting in line in front of your door,” Brendon says, chuckling.

“Shut up,” Ryan tells him, laughing shortly and looking away because he’s blushing a little. _Of course_. He clears his throat and talks fast to change the conversation. “So. Are you staying for dinner?”

“I don’t know… What are you cooking?” Brendon laughs.

“Grilled vegetables and omelet,” he says, looking at him again. Brendon closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“You and your hockey diets… That sounds like I will need to go back home and eat my fridge after it,” he laughs. “No, I think I’ll go home. Not because of your poor choice of dinner, but because I need to start being a good worker and wake up early for my job.”

“I was going to offer making pancakes for you after dinner… But I understand,” Ryan says, smiling small. “I wouldn’t want to be a bad influence.”

“You’re already a bad influence, offering me breakfast for dinner,” Brendon laughs. “Next time. She’s almost falling asleep too. I don’t want to have to wake her up to make her go to sleep again.”

“Okay,” Ryan surrenders, sighing and smiling a little. “Next time, then.”

The truth is, Ryan feels more lonely these days. As he says goodbye to them, kissing Nascha’s forehead softly and Brendon’s cheek because he’s not allowed to kiss his lips outside bed, he feels that pang of longing. He feels it too every time he gets the storybooks on the shelf but doesn’t tell the goodnight tale, or when he gets under the covers and there’s no heat and no laughs and no intense sex until he falls asleep. He tries not to think about it too much, though, and he just sighs and waits for the next day to come, because it’s been a long time since he felt this happy, too.

*

 

Ryan lets the bag fall to the floor with a grunt as soon as he enters Cassie’s office. Everything hurts. His back hurts, his arms hurt, his neck hurts and especially his legs hurt. It’s not unusual, but he isn’t really used to the pain being so intense, so constant. He’s tired today, he was during practice, too and the number of games are starting to make him feel like he can’t recover one hundred percent. He likes to pretend it’s not happening, though, except in moments like this, when he just _needs_ to rest.

“Hey,” he greets his friend as he walks towards the stretcher, making a face as his neck creaks. “My legs, right?”

“Yeah, let’s give those bad boys a rest. I bet you can build houses with those bricks you call thighs,” Cassie jokes, getting everything ready and moving closer to the stretcher. “How are you feeling?”

“Well…,” Ryan says, starting to take his sweatpants off. “To be honest, I feel like shit,” he laughs, grunting again as he sits on the stretcher. He’s about to lean back and talk again when he notices his own legs, the skin on his thighs covered in marks, some of them dark and vivid and others already fading away. He didn’t think about them. He was so used to them by now he didn’t even remember he had them, and Ryan feels his cheeks get red. “Oh, shit…” he looks up quickly hoping Cassie is not looking yet, but he’s not that lucky. In fact, he’s far from lucky.

Cassie is looking straight at the biggest bruise on his inner thigh, the one that you probably could use to identify Brendon in a criminal case, and her eyes are not too big but they look like they could jump out her face, her lips pressed in a thin, straight line that looks almost comical, like a comic book face or maybe one of those emojis Brendon loves so much. Ryan feels the urge of covering himself, but he has nothing around, his pants are on the floor, and he can just make a face.

“Well…” Cassie says when she seems to finally be able to look away. “At least now you can’t blame me if it hurts when I put pressure on your muscles…” She says, trying to hold down a chuckle. Ryan laughs a little, but it doesn’t make it less awkward.

“Um… I. Can we just, like, pretend this is not… Um,” he tries to say, wrinkling his nose. “This is awkward.”

“I mean, I can try and pretend… something,” Cassie laughs, moving her fingers like she’s playing an invisible piano, “but, you know. I’m gonna be touching them.” She gets silent for a second, and then she adds with a short laugh, “at least I can say I’m glad you’re having fun.”

“Come on, shut up,” Ryan laughs, finally leaning back on the stretcher so he doesn’t have to look at Cassie’s face right now. “Let’s pretend they don’t exist so we can keep our friendship normally.”

“Don’t get shy on me now, Ross, do you know the things I’ve seen on your teammates? Well, you probably do, ‘cause you all see each other in the showers, so if you don’t get shy on them, you don’t get to get shy on me, not when I can figure the angle of Brendon’s head when he did that one,” she says, pointing at one of the bruises and making Ryan get even redder. “Let’s just get to business.”

“Jesus Christ,” he says, covering his face horrified. “That’s actually the worst of it. Okay, okay, yes, please. Business.”

Cassie just gives him a knowing smile and nods, changing the atmosphere to a more professional one the moment she gets her hands on him. It’s still awkward, no matter how much Cassie tries not to make any difference between the bruised skin and the normal one when her fingers press and push, but at least it seems like they’re done with the conversation.

They’re not.

“So,” Cassie says after a while, after Ryan has had enough time to relax a little. “This is happening, huh? You guys.” She doesn’t need to say it out loud, they both know what she’s talking about. For a moment, Ryan doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know if she has talked to Brendon about it. She actually knew the marks were from him, though, so she maybe has. In the end, he decides to be honest.

“Well, um. I guess, yeah,” he says with his eyes fixed on the ceiling and his whole body tensing because of the pain when Cassie presses hard. “I mean. We’re just, you know.”

“Do _you_ know?” She asks back, and this time she gives Ryan a questioning look. He actually looks at her, laughing a little.

“Of course! We are just… friends. Having fun sometimes. That’s all,” he says. Although her hands keep moving, keep working like they know their own way, Cassie doesn’t stop looking at Ryan like that wasn’t the answer she was waiting for, or like it wasn’t, in fact, the right answer at all.

“Is that what you think you are? Or is that what you _know_ you are?” She asks again, and she especially stresses the word ‘know’ like that’s the important part of the question.

“We. We talked about it. Kind of,” he says, nodding. “We both agreed on that,” he adds. And that’s not exactly true, he didn’t really agree. He just took whatever Brendon decided to give him. In every sense, in fact.

“Well…” Cassie twists her lips and brings her eyes back to her work, but that doesn’t make her stop talking. “Maybe you should revisit that agreement…”

“What?” Ryan asks, laughing a little but getting all interested. “Why? Did he say something to you?”

“He doesn’t need to say anything. Sometimes he actually says more when he shuts his damned big mouth,” Cassie laughs too, but she shakes her head and looks back at Ryan. “I don’t… I’m sorry, Ryan, but I’m not that sure this is a good idea, what you guys are doing. And I love you both, that’s why I don’t… I don’t want any of you hurting again.”

“I’m not gonna hurt him this time, I promise,” Ryan rushes to say, shaking his head. “I understand, but that’s, that’s the last thing I’d do, I won’t allow it.”

“Ryan…” Cassie tries to interrupt him but then she just sighs. “Just remember there’s a kid involved now. And anything you think you’re doing, having fun, friends with benefits, whatever… it’s going to affect her. I’m not saying how, I’m not saying it has to be bad, but… Just be careful. Okay?”

“She’s his priority,” he says, looking at Cassie’s eyes. “And her well being is my priority, too. You don’t have to worry, Cas, she’s the most important thing and we both know it. We’re just having fun,” he smiles, trying to make her feel better about it. It doesn’t look like it’s working, though.

“I’m sure she’s his priority. I know she is,” Cassie says and sighs again, closing her eyes. “That’s the thing. He’s always thinking of what he wants for her…” she almost whispers, like she was just thinking out loud. “Be careful,” she repeats, this time directed at Ryan. “Just promise me that.”

“Okay,” he says, frowning a little because he got lost there but promising anyway. “Okay, I’ll be careful. I won’t hurt them, I promise.”

“Don’t hurt yourself either,” she adds, digging her fingers into his muscles. “That’s my job,” she jokes. Ryan laughs and wrinkles his nose, looking up at the ceiling again, but he actually doesn’t say anything else. If he thinks about it, he can’t promise that. But it doesn’t matter anyway, they’re just friends with benefits, he’s okay with that.

 


	12. Every picture tells a story

10.

Ryan can feel the way his stick vibrates when Stamkos’ one crushes against it as they fight for the puck, and it goes flying a few feet away from them but the Lightning still get to it before Spencer can do it, and they end up getting it to the net. Ryan’s all sweaty and hot and frustrated, but he tries to concentrate and keep going as they are doing even though they are losing. The game is tight, and everyone does his best. Ryan skates so fast and moves so quickly he’s starting to feel out of breath. Blake is in the penalty box and Spencer tries really hard to make everyone keep calm and try to win the match. It’s a hard task, and by the time the game is about to end everyone is so tired it’s almost a relief it ends.

They are two weeks into May and the playoffs are running wild. The Hounds just played its fifth round one game, a hard one that they fight until the end but couldn’t save. They lose, and they’ll have to win next one or they will be out for good. Ryan did a great job, dammit, the whole team did, but the Lightning were better. It’s so frustrating losing like this, when you give everything you have and it’s not enough.

When Ryan gets back to the hotel he’s still mad, but mostly just exhausted and sad. They won the Stanley Cup three years ago, and the next one again. But last year they lost the last game and Ryan doesn’t want to repeat the experience. He thought about it the whole way back to the hotel, and he does as he gets into the silence of his room and gets ready for bed. He turns the television on just because, but he’s not in the mood. He’s actually feeling pretty down and what he really feels like, what he needs is not on the screen. He gets his phone and texts Brendon, asking if he’s busy and if he minds him calling. Brendon answers soon and says sure, so Ryan doesn’t take long and mutes the television, pressing the call button.

“Waddup, big boy?” Brendon’s cheery voice greets him, making him smile right away. “I thought you had forgotten me,” he jokes because they’ve been talking or at least texting almost every other day.

“Never,” he says, the smile still on, even if it’s a bit small. “We lost,” he adds, sighing.

“Come on! No way, that game was rigged,” Brendon says right away, like what Ryan just said seems impossible. “Do you want me to go beat them up? All of them? I’d do it.”

That makes him laugh a little, shaking his head and pushing his still damp hair back.

“Nah, it’s not necessary. You’re already helping…” he says, smiling. “You could come and stay here, though, that would be pretty awesome. You make me feel good,” he adds honestly.

“I think you’d be too tired for me to make you feel good,” Brendon jokes, and Ryan can almost see him wiggling his eyebrows through the phone. “Don’t worry about this, babe. I know it’s a bummer, but I also know this shit happens so you can feel even better next time you beat those assholes to the ground.”

“I know I’m maybe being dramatic about it, but. I don’t know,” he sighs, looking down at his lap. “If we lose once more we’ll be out of the playoffs, and we won’t be there to play the Stanley Cup, and… it could be my last opportunity or whatever, you know?” he adds, swallowing. “I just. I’m tired, I miss my dogs, I miss you and the princess, and every fucking part of me just doesn’t stop hurting.”

“Hey, listen,” Brendon lowers his voice, making it warmer. “You’re the best hockey player I know. You’re not gonna get out of the playoffs and you guys are gonna play the goddamned Stanley Cup, okay? But. If you, for whatever reason, didn’t, that wouldn’t matter at all because we don’t need a stupid piece of metal to say what we already know. You are awesome, and I want you to know your number one fan is home waiting for you to come and give you the biggest hug ever.”

“You mean you or the little one?” Ryan jokes, laughing softly and sighing again. “Thanks… I wish I could give her a hug right now and receive one of those kisses full of drool.”

“Sooner than you think she’ll be drooling all over you,” Brendon laughs too. “You know what we did today? We met a new friend at the park!”

“Yeah? How was that?” He asks, smiling small and getting more comfortable in bed to listen to Brendon.

“Well, her name is Mia, she’s one year old, and she’s got two moms, so daddy got along pretty well with them too, right sweetie?” Brendon asks, and Ryan can hear Nascha scream and laugh. “We told them they could come to Nasch’s birthday next month since she’s gonna be a big girl too.”

“Yeah… One year old, when you less expect it she’ll be eighteen and going to college,” Ryan says, feeling all warm and content inside even though the sadness about the game is still there. “I’m sure they’re pretty awesome, your new friends. And what, what is she doing still awake? What time is it?”

“Like she cares about time. Time doesn’t exist, Ryan,” Brendon says with a mocking tone. “And, by the way, I do worry about the time when she leaves me for college. I’m thinking we should get her a brother. Just so she doesn’t feel alone, you know. Not for me, at all.” Brendon adds, laughing.

“Of course,” Ryan laughs, too. “You actually know they all grow up, right? No baby stays a baby forever,” he jokes.

“I guess I’ll just have to keep ordering more…” Brendon jokes too, laughing. “No, for real, I don’t want to have tons of babies, but another one could be cool. The moms I told you, they’re looking for the next one now. They’ve got each other, though, so it’s easier. They praised me non stop when they asked for the other daddy and I told them there wasn’t any,” Brendon laughs shortly. “There’s nothing to praise. Taking care of this child is a blessing, and I’ve got me the best friends ever, so what else can I wish for?”

“You should give yourself more credit, anyway. It is hard to raise a kid on your own, even though you have friends. And you do it perfectly, so. Let yourself be praised, you deserve it,” Ryan says, smiling a little. “I actually admire you a lot, did you know? I don’t know if I ever told you that,” he laughs, speaking softly. “I think you’re the bravest man ever, not just because of the baby but because of everything you do. You find something you want and you just fight for it until you get it, whatever it takes. I, I really like that about you.”

“That’s… so not me,” Brendon laughs, “but I’m glad I’ve fooled you this much, I’m impressed with myself now. I like your version of me so much better than the real me.”

“That’s because you’re an idiot, too. And blind,” Ryan adds, shaking his head.

“Oh, I am an idiot, that you got right,” Brendon laughs again, this time louder. “I don’t know about blind. I can still see your pretty face, although I can do that with my eyes closed too, so who knows.”

“Shut up,” Ryan says, so low it’s almost a whisper. His smile grows wider, though, and he’s sure he looks stupid enough to laugh at himself if he’d wanted to.

“Why? Am I not allowed to tell the truth now?” Brendon laughs. “Are you gonna tell me what I’m allowed to do? Come on, that’s my job,” he adds, joking. Ryan bites his lip and shakes his head even though Brendon can’t see him.

“You always do that. Saying those things out of the blue,” he says, smiling the whole time. “It catches me off guard.”

“It shouldn’t. I didn’t say anything special,” Brendon answers with a smile in his voice.

“You called me pretty,” he says softly, and he hesitates for a second before adding. “And you called me babe, too. Before.” He laughs short. He pretended he didn’t notice but he did notice, the same way he noticed the warm, bubbling feeling inside his belly when he heard him.

“Oh, did I?” Brendon asks like he really didn’t notice, and he sounds a little embarrassed when he chuckles. “Oh, well. That must have slipped. But you are pretty, that’s not a lie. That’s just a fact.”

“That’s because you are actually a bit blind,” Ryan jokes, trying to feel less awkward. He will never learn how to take a compliment, and the way he blushes is a proof. “But don’t worry, I… I appreciate the compliment, anyway.”

“Half of the world is blind, then…” Brendon says in an overly dramatic tired voice. “Anyway, I was telling you about the cool moms we met at the park and how they’re already trying to hook me up with a friend of theirs. Or that’s what I was gonna tell you about before you interrupted me,” Brendon jokes. “What’s with everybody trying to hook me up with somebody? Do I look that lonely?” He laughs.

“Nah. It’s because you’re so awesome they all want you in their lives somehow,” Ryan says, frowning a little and nibbling his bottom lip. “But you didn’t exactly mention it before… Who’s this guy?” He asks, and he’s too tired to hide the lightly jealous tone.

“No, no, I didn’t meet him or anything!” Brendon laughs again, and now he sounds amused. “We met these girls just this time, and they just happened to mention this friend who’s also single and my age and _so handsome_ when I said I was a single dad,” he explains. “I guess people are not used to it, a dad raising their kids alone. That’s why Cassie does the same. She doesn’t want Nasch to miss a second father figure.”

“I’m sure Nascha is more than happy with you as a father,” Ryan answers, still with a frown but this time sounding calmer. “I grew up with just my father since I was a kid and look at me,” he says, and then he frowns more. “Well, that was not a good example,” he laughs.

“You turned out fine,” Brendon laughs, but he also sighs, “but I know you still miss your mom every day, and you love her. Hell, _I_ love her too,” he says with a smile in his voice, making Ryan smile too. “But I think she can’t miss what she’s never had, right?”

“Exactly,” he agrees, moving in bed to get more comfortable, lying down and covering himself. “It’s very different. I miss my mom because I had her, and then I didn’t anymore. But she has you, and she’s going to have you forever. You’re more than enough, Bren, you love her so fucking much, Jesus… That’s what really matters,” he says, lowering his voice.

“I know, I know…” Brendon lowers his voice too. “Although, you know… Sometimes I think about it too. Sometimes it gets a little lonely just the two of us.”

“I understand…” he says, staying silent for a few seconds, only listening to Brendon breathing calm through the phone. “Just. Do it for the right reasons, you know? Do it just if, if you love someone, if you want to share your days with him and. And if you want him to be part of your kid’s life like that,” he adds, and he feels a little stupid. The friend giving advice while he dies for being the guy he’s talking about.

“I know, Ry, of course I wouldn’t get a stranger home just because I’m feeling lonely,” Brendon laughs like it’s obvious. “But I know I can’t expect to just… I mean, before all that happens I need to meet the person first. I’m not gonna find the perfect one just staying at home and waiting for him to knock on my door.”

“I guess…” Ryan murmurs, rolling his eyes to himself because he’s so ridiculous it’s giving him a headache. “So. You wanna meet this guy, then?” He asks, trying to sound more cautious than jealous. Maybe what he sounds like is funny, though, because Brendon laughs again.

“Oh, I wasn’t… thinking about it, but I guess… Yeah, I guess that could be a start. Thanks for the tip,” he says with a chuckle. “It doesn’t matter how much I talk if I don’t take action, right?”

“Yeah… _Anytime,_ ” he says, and this time he does sound a bit exasperated because he’s an idiot. He sighs and buries his face in the pillow. If his head didn’t hurt already, he would hit himself.

“You’re a good friend, Ryan,” Brendon says, his voice getting softer. “Also, by the way…” Ryan can hear him clear his throat. “If I do it, if I take courage and start dating again… not that I think I will but I know I should so, anyway. If I do it, when I do it, we should probably… uh. We should probably stop, right? This little thing we have.”

Ryan laughs a little. Mostly at himself because he deserves it. He got in there all on his own, so now he has to be the good friend he seems to be and pretend he understands and he’s totally okay with them stopping whatever the fuck they’re doing so someone else can come and take his place and be the perfect partner and the perfect father and the perfect boy in bed. The pain in his head gets sharper.

“This is so not what I expected when I called you,” he says, still smiling because, well. He better take it as a man. “I expected more like a bit of comfort, which I got, by the way. And I don’t know, just talk for a while about your day and my shitty game and anything but other men,” he laughs. “Sorry, I’m not being a good friend anymore.”

“Oh, s-. Sorry?” Brendon says after a few seconds of silence, and he sounds confused. “I didn’t mean… You know, I wasn’t really thinking, I just told you because it happened, you know, the moms at the park and it just went on from there. But I’m sorry if I’ve been insensitive. And I’m sorry about the game, too. Just tell me what you need right now and I’ll try my best, okay?”

Awesome. Now Ryan feels like an asshole. He sighs and makes a face, rubbing it on the pillow and turning the lights and the tv off before going back to the conversation.

“No, no, it’s… I am the one who has to say sorry,” he says, talking softly. “I was a selfish asshole. You don’t have to apologize, the conversation just led us there, so. I just need to talk to you, and that’s what we were doing, so don’t worry,” he adds, swallowing and going back to the conversation. “I understand. I’d do whatever you need me to do.”

“You don’t need to do anything, Ryan,” Brendon says, speaking softly and warm. “You’re the one feeling down right now, so let me be a good friend myself and ease it up. What you feel like talking about? Tell me.”

Ryan just stays silent for a few seconds. There are a lot of things running through his mind right now, so he doesn’t really know what he wants to talk about. He still feels like he shouldn’t have said that so now on top of the pain and the tiredness and the sad mood he also feels guilty. If it wasn’t because he really wants to keep talking to Brendon, he probably should go to bed already so this day can end once and for all.

“I really feel bad about what I said to you…” he murmurs, biting his lip. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, okay? I just. When I’m like this I get a bit unbearable,” he laughs a little. “You are really good to me. You let me call at night and listen to me being dramatic about hockey and make me feel better.”

“You can call anytime you need, Ryan, I hope you know that. And don’t feel bad, really. It’s not a big deal,” Brendon reassures him. “I was just putting Nasch to sleep and I think she finds me talking to you soothing because she’s totally dozed off in my arms right now,” he laughs.

“Yeah?” he smiles, closing his eyes. “You should sing to her more often. You have a beautiful voice. Or maybe read Wilde to her. She seems to like it,” he says.

“I do sing to her, you know?” Brendon says, and he stays in silence longer than he should, a little chuckle filling the air before he finally says. “And I may be a thief… ‘cause I sing that song to her. The one… The one you said your mom used to sing to you. The one you sang to me that time…”

“Oh. Really?” He asks, smiling a bit. “She likes that one?”

“She does. She smiles all the time,” Brendon answers, his own smile showing in his voice.

“I’m glad. It used to make me feel better when I was little. I hoped it had the same effect when I sang it to you,” he says, talking softly because now that the lights are off his voice sounds too loud inside the empty room. “I’m really glad it works for her, too.”

Brendon doesn’t say anything, though. He just stays in silence, Ryan knowing he’s still there because of how he can still hear Brendon’s breathing. It takes a while, but Brendon finally talks, his voice a little softer than before.

“Yeah,” he says, clearing his throat when it comes out a little rough. “I’m glad it works for her, too.”

“Do you ever wonder what goes through her mind when she looks at you with those big eyes?” Ryan asks, smiling. “Like. Sometimes she just looks at me while I’m talking or reading or something. She just _looks_. And it feels like she’s reading into my soul or something.”

“I guess you’re deeper than me,” Brendon says, still using his softer voice, chuckling a little. “But she’s a curious kid, yeah. She knows more than we think.”

That makes Ryan laugh a little, and he has a moment of remembering those times he is talking about when Nascha just stops moving or screaming or both to look at him, not even blinking, like she’s trying to tell him something Ryan is not understanding.

“I think I’m gonna feel pretty lonely when I retire,” Ryan suddenly says, and he’s not aware he’s going to say that until he hears himself. It’s not a lie, and Ryan swallows and laughs a little.

“Why do you think so?” Brendon asks, not immediately, but taking his time to process Ryan’s words.

“I guess… my days are full of it, right now. I workout, I go to practice, I play games,” he shrugs, not really thinking about what he’s saying, just talking as the words cross his mind. “When all that is gone. I’ll just be at home alone. With nothing to do and no one to… I don’t know. Right now I feel like I’m missing something, but I can go on as if it didn’t happen because I love what I do and I keep myself busy with it. But one day I won’t be able to do that,” he says, swallowing. “And that day can be closer than I think.”

“Let me put the kid to bed, okay? Wait a second,” Brendon says, and Ryan can hear him move and walk, the ruffle of sheets and some soothing words. Once he’s done, Brendon speaks again. “Look. Don’t be an idiot. I don’t wanna hear you say you’re gonna be alone because that’s a lie. You’ve got all of us. You’ve got Spencer and Linda, Tom, Cassie and Jon with little Jo and the future kids to come, you have me and Nasch, and God knows if I’m stupid enough to be a dad again,” he laughs. “You will never, ever, be alone, no matter how hard you try. But,” he makes a stop, taking a deep breath, “if you still think you’re missing something, just go for it. You’ve got time, Ryan, for anything you need. If you want more dogs, if you want a family, if you wanna be a businessman, if you wanna open a candy shop. You can do anything you want. Trust me.”

“Okay,” he says, just because he’s not brave enough to ask for what he really wants. He’s happy pretending he’s all cool with them being friends with benefits and sharing all of his free time with them. He actually has what he wants, kind of. “You just put the kid to bed so you could call me an idiot, right?” he laughs a little, trying to loosen up a bit.

“You know me too damn well,” Brendon cracks up laughing. “Couldn’t risk her waking up and hearing daddy’s foul mouth.”

Ryan laughs again, sighing when the laugh dies and just listening to Brendon’s breath for a few seconds before talking again.

“Thanks,” he says, low but honest.

“Thanks?” Brendon asks, curious. “Thanks why?”

“For making me feel better. For hearing about my nonsense,” he says, shrugging. “Lately I think too much about the retirement thing and. You’re the only one I talked to about it. Saying it out loud makes it too real.”

“Are you afraid of it?” Brendon asks, lowering his voice.

“Yes,” he murmurs, swallowing the weird feeling inside his throat. “I’ve been playing for as long as I can remember… And I don’t know what I’m going to do when I can’t do it anymore.”

“But you don’t need to stop. Just because you retire… it doesn’t mean you have to stop playing. You can still stay around, and… well, I don’t know, I’m sure Nasch will need a hockey teacher,” Brendon says in a soothing but cheering tone. It makes him laugh a little, hugging the pillow he’s not using to rest his head.

“You know what I mean…” he says, breathing in deep. “Hockey is not just playing. It’s the feeling, the competition, being part of something, it’s the way you can feel the pride and happiness when a whole stadium cheers because you won a game. It’s… a part of me,” he explains. “Maybe it sounds crazy or stupid, I don’t know… Anyway, I’ll teach Nasch to play, too.”

“Look, I know how you feel. Or, well, I probably don’t, but I can understand. And I see how it’s gonna be shitty for you. Retirement is usually a pretty shitty thing to think about, but since you can’t do anything about it I think it’s better to look at the positive side. And maybe the positive side is not as cool as what you’ve got now but… I don’t know, most people retire when they’re so old they just can sit and wait for the death to come. It’s true you’ve been playing your whole life, but that’s just half of it. Once you retire you’ll still have the other half of your life to find something else to get passionate about and enjoy it. And I think that’s pretty nice too,” Brendon says, adding then, “and you don’t need to teach Nasch. That was just… a dumb joke.”

“You can’t take it back now, you already said it,” Ryan jokes, smiling a little. “What if I want to teach her?” He adds, sighing again. “I know what you mean, I see the positive side. It’ll just be… hard to process, that’s all. I like to think I still have a few years more before I actually have to face it, but. It comes to my mind, anyway, sometimes.”

“I think that’s normal, but… If it troubles you too much, you know, talk it to Elisa,” Brendon advices.

“Yeah… I guess I’ll have to talk to her about it sooner or later. It just, seems too real, like I said,” he says, lowering his voice even more like he’s telling a secret. “It feels different talking about it to you. It feels like, as much as it’s real, it’s going to be okay, you know? Talking to you about it is like throwing myself off a cliff knowing you’re going to catch me,” he explains, laughing a little when he hears his own words. “I used to be better at the comparison.”

“I’ll catch you. Literally and metaphorically. Don’t care if you crash me down,” Brendon laughs. “I’ll be there if you need me, Ry. I promise.”

“I know you will,” he whispers, smiling small. “You are so good to me. Really,” he adds.

“I’m not, I’m just… We’re friends, right? That’s what friends do,” Brendon answers with a smile in his voice.

“Yeah… I guess,” Ryan answers back, sighing. He’s starting to feel very tired, his body totally limp on the mattress and his breath getting deep. “Hey, Brendon,”

“Tell me,” Brendon says, his voice getting softer.

“Do you mind talking to me until I fall asleep?” he asks, whispering. “Don’t need to talk about something specific. Just. Whatever you want.”

“Of course,” Brendon answers, and he chuckles before he keeps talking. “And no men, I promise. Maybe about my job? Or… I mean, I know you’re not a fan of the press. Can you suggest something?”

“Uh,” he makes a sound, frowning a little but smiling, his voice slurred when he talks again. “I had forgotten about my dick comment,” he says. “You can talk about men if you want. And your job. I don’t like press but I like when you talk to me about your job. So, come on.”

“Okay… but I also can tell you how I made up a fairy tale to tell Nasch at night. It’s about a princess who plays hockey, and a dragon who plays hockey too. And that’s it, it’s pretty much a hockey game where she plays against a dragon but they end up being friends,” Brendon tells him. Ryan smiles, and when he’s going to answer he realizes it’s starting to get hard to talk. He’s falling pretty quick.

“You could write a book to her,” he murmurs. “You’re really good at it.”

“You sound like you could use a fairy tale now too. Do you want me to tell it to you?” Brendon jokes, but it sounds so soft he could actually be really offering. Ryan thinks it sounds like a good plan, so he smiles again and makes an affirmative sound because he’s out of energy and he can’t talk anymore.

So Brendon does, and he talks in a sweet, warm voice, but also using voices and making the tale so real Ryan could picture every surreal scene. Of course, Nascha would fall asleep for this, especially if it includes being cuddled in Brendon’s arms. Ryan would pay millions for having him there right now. He doesn’t know when he starts to drift off, he just knows he’s listening to Brendon’s calming voice and then, one second later, there’s nothing else.

 

*

Ryan is learning so much about sex lately he’s starting to feel like a virgin all over again. This thing Brendon and him got going is teaching him a lot of things he didn’t know about sex and the ways you can use it to get pleasure. Brendon has taught him he likes to be handled, and to be used, that he finds amazingly pleasurable being totally helpless in his hands. Brendon taught him to name what they’re doing and what Ryan likes, he does it every time, so every encounter they have becomes a new experience for Ryan.

Brendon teaches him about punishment, about being pliant and being rewarded for it. He teaches him that even though he’s the one in charge, Ryan’s the one with the power, although it doesn’t seem so. He teaches him about restrictions and how to use them properly, about being careful. He shows him how much he owns him, but Ryan doesn’t think he realizes he does. They talk about everything they do, Brendon never does something if he’s not sure Ryan is going to like it, and he explains every step so Ryan knows exactly how it works. He also shows Ryan the mental part of being a sub, the way he just turns into someone made to please him every time they do a scene, he explains about subspace and the drop that can follow, but Ryan freaks out the first time it happens, anyway. He teaches him about the aftercare, too. He shows him, and Ryan feels the most vulnerable and yet the most secure he’s felt in his whole life.

He now understands what Brendon meant about being dangerous and about him not knowing what he was talking about when he said he liked it, but the more they do this, the more he trusts him, anyway. And the more they explore, the more he wants to discover. Ryan realizes he's become an addicted to this kind of sex, or maybe just addicted to Brendon, but the way it feels when he gets into that atmosphere of pure pleasure, unable to hear or feel anything but bliss, makes him be sure that he’s never been this satisfied before. And no matter how rough and brutal Brendon gets, Ryan still feels the best kind of used every time they get to it. He didn’t have to use his safeword, not even once, and he actually thinks he’s never going to need to.

They still see each other, but less frequently than Ryan would like because of his schedule. With the games and traveling and working out and having to get to bed early and well rested it is harder for them to keep up with it as much as they want, but they don’t stop. It kind of makes it even more interesting, because Ryan is eager to know what Brendon has in mind when they can meet and the adrenaline that comes with anticipation makes it even better. He’d prefer it the other way, though, being able to see him more often. But he gets what Brendon gives because, in the end, he’s a good boy.

Saturday is one of the few days they have to rest a little between games, and he’s dying to see Brendon and the princess, but he promised Spencer he’d go have lunch to his mom’s with him and Linda, he really insisted. Also, he saw Ginger not so long ago but it’s been a while since he spent a few hours with her just chatting and letting himself be spoiled. He loves that woman. So, he wakes up and walks the dogs, and then gets ready before he drives to Ginger’s house where he’ll meet Spencer and Linda.

When he gets there, they’re not at home yet, but Ginger welcomes him with a huge smile and a tight hug, kissing his cheek several times and making him laugh while he hugs her back and kisses her as well.

“My baby, look at you,” Ginger says, letting him in and closing the door. “Spencer will be here soon. Spencer is in the basement. I cooked your favorite meal, sweetie, it’s been long. How are you, honey?”

“I’m fine, Ginger. I’m good,” Ryan answers, sitting down at the table with her. “It smells delicious, thanks. How are you? How’s Spencer? Everything good around here?”

“Oh, you know how is it. We’re just the same as always. It is like this when you get old,” she laughs, looking at him fondly. “You look so pretty, honey. What’s making you so happy, huh?” She asks, looking at him knowingly.

“That’s you, Ginger. You love me so much you see me prettier than I am,” he laughs, and she does, too, shaking her head. “I brought you a present.”

He takes out the small box and gives it to her. Ginger smile gets wider and her eyes go big, surprised. She tells him he shouldn’t have and that she doesn’t deserve any present, but her face still gets brighter when he sees the bracelet Ryan got her, simple and bright and very beautiful. Ginger hugs him again and thanks him, and Ryan just smiles at her and says he’s the one who’s thankful.

“The twins were here last weekend, but they can’t come today. It’s a shame because that way we could be all together, but it’s fine. It’s hard for us all to be free at the same time, especially you two, with all the games and traveling. I don’t even know how you are not exhausted. Spencer still has energy when he gets home, sometimes he calls me and I have to shut him up, Jesus,” she says, but Ryan knows she’s not complaining at all. “But soon the season will be over, huh? And you’ll have your well deserved holidays. You gonna do something, sweetie?”

“I don’t know yet, I’m still thinking about it. You’re going back to Vegas this year?” He asks. He thinks about his dad for a moment, and wonders if Ginger has seen him anytime she goes to Vegas, but he doesn’t ask.

“Yeah, but just for a couple of weeks. We’ll be back soon,” she answers. “Spencer wants to go on a vacation, nothing too big, just. A cabin in the woods or something,” she says, smiling and rolling her eyes. “He’s being mysterious about it.”

“That’s good,” he smiles, and she’s going to say something else when the bell rings and she jumps, smiling big and telling him it must be Spencer.

Spencer dad gets to the kitchen soon, too and Ryan hugs him as Spencer and Linda greet Ginger, who receives them the same way she did with him. Ryan hugs Spencer and kisses Linda’s cheek softly. They still are not the best friends ever, but she seems to tolerate him better than before. Ryan counts it as a win. They all are soon sitting on the table, Ryan helping Ginger with the dishes and everyone laughing and talking as they start to eat.

It’s a good feeling, always the same, being all together as a family, just talking and enjoying each other’s presence. There’s something different than usual, though, something off. Ryan can notice a strange behavior in Spencer and if he knew Linda better he could say the same. Now that he thinks about it, Spencer was especially insistent in him coming to the meal.

“So when are you planning to say it, son?” Ginger says suddenly, and Spencer opens his eyes like he wasn’t expecting that question. Before he can even begin to explain, Ginger stops him. “Don’t even bother, I’m your mother, I know there’s something going on.”

“Dammit, lady, can a man keep a secret here?” Spencer shakes his head but he and Linda laugh like the secret is soon to be known. “I wanted to wait until dessert, but I guess my mom can’t wait that long… So, baby?” Spencer says, looking at Linda, who smiles and blushes a little.

“Yeah, well. I bet it’s not hard to figure out but… we’re expecting a new addition to the family,” she smiles wide as she touches her belly.

“Oh my god, you serious?!” Ryan says at the same time that Ginger screams happily and even clap her hands. Ryan can feel the smile on his face getting bigger and he looks at Spencer. Or he tries because his mom is almost destroying his face as she kisses him. Everyone gets up to congratulate the couple, and as Spencer’s parents hug him, Ryan smiles at Linda. “You know I’m gonna be the godfather… I’m sorry, girl, but I _can’t not_ be,” he jokes a little. But he’s serious.

“I’ve got a brother, you know?” Linda says, raising an eyebrow at Ryan. “So you better play your cards right, Ross. For starters, you can drop that ‘girl’ when you talk to me.”

“...Deep inside you appreciate me. A bit,” he says, laughing a little. “Congratulations, Mrs. Smith.”

“That’s better,” she smiles and nods. “Keep it up. I like this side of you,” she laughs too.

“See? You see? She’s a mom already,” Spencer jokes and everybody laughs at that. “Also she’s four-month pregnant. We wanted to wait until we were completely sure this was the real deal.”

Ryan looks at him and punches him in his chest because that means she was already pregnant the last time they talked about it and he lied.

“You asshole,” he says, pulling him in for a hug. “Come here, motherfucker. Congrats, man.”

“Don’t call me that in front of my unborn baby,” Spencer laugh, but he hugs Ryan tight, patting his back. “You’re totally being the godfather,” he whispers at Ryan’s ear, laughing again when the hug breaks. Ginger is hugging Linda and she’s already crying of happiness.

“Fuck, yes, I am,” he says, smiling big at his friend, the happiness written all over Spencer’s face. Ryan is so excited about it he can’t stop smiling. “You’re gonna be a dad, man. Jesus…”

“I am… And you should thank me because now my mom will stop bothering you about giving her grandkids, right ma?” Spencer asks, looking at Ginger.

“Oh, no, no,” she says, wiping her face and laughing. “I need a lot of grandkids. Kids everywhere. So. You should learn, kiddo. You’re next one,” she adds, making Ryan shake his head and laugh. He throws Spencer a knowing look.

“You were saying?” he says, laughing again.

“Come on, ma, what’s he gonna do? Fuck the ice rink and have a snowman? Snow kid?” Spencer says and Linda punches him on the shoulder at the same time Ginger makes a face. “Okay, okaaay, sorry…”

“Something tells me I’m on the right path, anyway…” Ginger says, looking a Ryan again with the same look she did before. “When am I gonna meet her? Or him?” She asks, and Ryan can feel his cheeks go red as he murmurs ‘oh my god’ and covers his face.

“I’m. Um. I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ginger,” Ryan says, lying as bad as he always does.

“Oh, come on. Don’t play silly with me, son. I’ve raised you as much as that boy over there,” she says, pointing at Spencer. “And I can say there’s something going on with you, too. You’re happier!”

“That’s because I’m gonna be a godfather!” He says, trying to turn the conversation back to the important news. He looks at Spencer asking for help.

“That must be the cocaine,” Spencer deadpans and this time it’s Ginger who punches him. “There’s no one, ma. He’s still a monk. Last time I heard him saying something about going to Tibet once he retires.”

“Okay, okay,” Ginger surrenders as Ryan rolls his eyes at Spencer. Seriously? Tibet? “You keep that secret, then. But I am no fool,” she adds, looking at them both. Ryan laughs and goes to hug her just because, congratulating her because she’s going to be a grandma.

“Not because you’re a grandma now it means your mom powers double up, ma,” Spencer says, and then he makes a face. “The physio’s back, though, so you may want to ask him about that. Gonna get a beer, anyone?” Spencer says, turning around and walking to the kitchen. Ryan looks at him totally perplexed, insulting him again because that was a dick move. That motherfucker betrayed him, and now he can feel Ginger’s stare on him, waiting.

“So?” she says when he looks at her, raising an eyebrow but smiling knowingly.

“Um. It’s complicated,” Ryan says. Because, well. It is. But mostly because he feels awkward as fuck talking about this to Ginger. Goddamn Spencer.

“Oh, is it?” Ginger says, laughing. “No, honey. I don’t think so. You love him, I can tell. And he loves you, because well, you’re an angel. What’s complicated about that?”

Ryan makes a face. What’s he’s supposed to say? It’s complicated because we’re kind of having just a BDSM sex relationship and playing best friends the rest of the time? Or because Brendon probably doesn’t really love him like that and on top of that he has a daughter and they can’t fuck up this time? Now that he thinks about it, it’s way _more_ than complicated.

“It’s been a long time. He has a daughter and we haven’t… talked about it,” Ryan says, looking everywhere but at Ginger. She stays silent for a moment, the kind of silence that Elisa always used when she wanted him to break and talk his soul out. He tries really hard to resist.

“So talk about it,” she says, searching his eyes to look at him in a way just a mother can. The way that leaves you no option. “Talk about it, honey. You both deserve to be honest with yourselves and with each other. Even more, if there’s a kid involved,” she adds, shaking her head. “Use that intelligence your mother gave you… If that’s what you really want, go get it.”

Ryan nods but doesn’t say anything else, and he really, really wants to kill Spencer right now. He smiles at Ginger and hopes the conversation is over, not because he doesn’t find her advice very useful, he actually thinks she’s right, but because he can’t keep talking about this when he doesn’t even know what to say about it. Lucky him, it’s Linda who comes to save him, and really, God bless that woman.

“Speaking of intelligence,” she says as she comes in, looking at Ryan, “I need you to prove you really want to be the godfather of my child by talking the father of my child out of naming this poor baby Spencer. I’m not dealing with another mess of names, I already have a hard time when he and his dad are in the same room.”

“Well, of course. He has to be named Ryan, duh,” Ryan says like it’s obvious. “Wait, you know already if it’s a boy?! How does that work?” He asks, looking at Linda confused.

“I’m praying it’s a girl right now,” Linda deadpans giving Ryan a dirty look. “You’ve just lost points, just so you know.”

“No, no, no!” Ryan says, laughing a little. “Really. I agree with you, I already told him. What’s gonna be the name if she’s a little girl?” He asks, smiling big.

“I just want to wait until I see their face, then I think I’ll know. We’ll know,” Linda smiles too. Ryan looks at her for a moment and he stays silent for a second. They don’t get along as well as he expected when Spencer and he were young and he thought about the future, but right now, looking at his friend face, he knows it wouldn’t look like that if it wasn’t Linda the future mother of his child.

“I’m really happy for you, Linda,” he says, wrinkling his nose. “And maybe you don’t like me that much, but. I know you’re the perfect woman for my brother, and I’m glad he found you.”

“Oh, well. You’re really fighting dirty, huh?” She laughs, and she even blushes a little, looking away for a second. “You’re not that bad yourself. You have your moments,” she nods, and Ryan guesses it’s not bad for a first time exchanging compliments. He’ll take it.

They spend the rest of the afternoon talking about baby things, and Ryan discovers things he couldn’t even imagine. Linda talks about how she feels and Ginger tells them how it was with all her kids. Ryan just listens and enjoys being with them, watching the album Ginger shows them all over again and trying to talk Spencer out of calling his kid Spencer, as he promised. He’s sure he will succeed, he has five months to do it. He’s glad Brendon’s topic doesn’t come out again, so he relaxes and forgets about it at all after sending him a message to tell him he’s going to be a godfather, of course.

*

A few days later Ryan can finally enjoy spending time with Brendon and Nascha again, and not just a couple of rushed hours but a whole afternoon where he has nothing to do and nowhere to go. So they are sitting peacefully in his living room, the dogs all sprawled around the floor because they’re exhausted, and Ryan is helping Nascha as she tries to learn how to stay standing without any support. She falls down a million times, but she doesn’t seem to be ready to give up yet and she’s using both Brendon and Ryan to get what she wants.

She’s having fun, though, they all are, and Brendon is laughing saying encouraging words at the same time he tells stories about how he was when he was a kid. She’s so much smarter and happier and fun, or so Brendon says, but something tells Ryan Brendon could compare his kid with a genius and still she will end up being better. He’s not wrong, anyway.

“I think she’s going to start walking soon, right? Look at her,” Ryan says, smiling and looking at Brendon. “Also, she’s stubborn.”

“She would fly if she had wings,” Brendon smiles too, looking at Ryan back. “She’s so ready for the world.”

“You’re such a proud dad,” he says, looking at him fondly with a soft smile. “Look at your face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this,” he adds. Brendon shakes his head and frowns with the smile still on his face.

“What do you mean?”

“You look… I don’t know, like you could explode with pride. Like your heart is too big to have room inside you when you look at her,” he explains, trying to describe what he sees on Brendon’s face. “It’s really beautiful to watch you like this. I’m happy to be able to see it.”

“Thanks…” Brendon says softly, his eyes becoming softer too, his smile warmer. “That’s… so nice of you to say.”

“You deserve the best in the world, Bren,” he says, smiling at him. “And she gives you that happiness…” he stops, laughing a little and looking at her before staring back at him. “Really. No need to thank me, I couldn’t be happier about seeing you like this.”

“You deserve the best too, you know?” Brendon says back, taking a deep breath and then smiling. “It’s gonna be a nice feeling when Spencer has his kid. You’re gonna be an uncle, huh? I bet you’re gonna drool all over that little thing when it’s born.”

“Well,” he says, his smile getting wider. “I’m pretty excited about it. But… some say I already drool all over _someone_ , so… I guess it’ll be like seeing me with her,” he adds, looking at Nascha again and encouraging her to try once more.

“Yeah, but it’s not the same. You’re not her uncle,” Brendon replies quickly, making a face and laughing.

“No, I guess I’m not…” Ryan says. It’s true, he doesn’t feel like her uncle _at all._ The thing is what the hell is he. “Anyway. You’ll still be my princess, right? Even when you’re eighteen and you find some prince charming or princess charming. You won’t forget about me, will you?” He asks her even though she can’t understand him. Nascha laughs and Brendon laughs too, moving to look at them both.

“She’s gonna love you forever,” he says, shaking his head. “You just need to see the way she looks at you. You’re gonna be the one she talks non stop so all her friends are bored to death by the end of the day.”

“Good!” Ryan says, laughing and clapping. “Because I will love her forever, too. That’s right,” he nods, leaning in close to her and rubbing their noses together a little. “No matter what or where, or when. Understood, lady?”

Nascha seems to understand, or at least she knows Ryan’s talking about her because she laughs again and slaps Ryan’s face with both of her hands, trying to grab his cheeks to hold herself to stand up. It makes Ryan laugh again and he helps her, leaning back when he’s free again and looking up at Brendon.

“So, do you have something in mind for her birthday?” He asks, smiling. “It is soon, right?”

“Yeah, of course. We’re gonna have a party, bring as many kids as we can. She loves having kids around, so we’re probably telling everyone at the park.”

“Awesome! I hope I’m invited because I’m already planning her present,” he says, smiling mischievously at Brendon. “And before you ask, I’m not telling you,” he laughs.

“Are you sure? You know I can be persuasive…” Brendon laughs too. Ryan bites his lip and looks at him, and he’s about to answer to that when his phone rings.

“Sorry,” he says, and he goes get it. To his surprise, it’s Ginger who’s calling him to ask if he’s home because apparently she cooked something new and she thought about bringing some to him since she was around or so she says. Ryan tells her she can come by, of course, and she says she’ll be there in a few minutes, which makes him think she was already close to his house before calling. “Ginger is coming. You don’t mind, right? She’s just dropping something she cooked,” he tells Brendon when he hangs up.

“Of course I don’t mind, come on!” Brendon laughs, shaking his head. “You know I only have a problem with one Smith, not the whole family,” he jokes. Ryan laughs and shakes his head.

“You two…” he says, but he doesn’t say anything else about it.

It’s a few minutes later when his doorbell rings and Ryan goes to open the door. Ginger meets him with a huge smile and a hug, giving him a bag and telling him what’s inside. Ryan thanks her and invites her in, laughing when she says he needs to eat more or his job is gonna kill him some time. Her eyes open wide when she gets to the living room and sees Brendon and Nascha.

“Oh! I didn’t know you had company, honey!” She says, already walking towards Brendon. “Hi, sweetie. I’m so happy to see you again,” she smiles, hugging him. “How are you? And look at this! Who’s this pretty little thing?”

“Good to see you too, Ginger.” Brendon smiles, hugging her back. “This little monster is, believe it or not, my own offspring,” he laughs. “She’s Nascha.”

“Oh, I believe you,” she laughs, taking the kid in her arms and smiling at her. She looks at Ryan briefly, a knowing look Ryan recognizes and makes him clear his throat awkwardly. Ginger raises an eyebrow at him and turns her stare back at Brendon, smiling softly. “That’s a beautiful name… Just like the woman who got it. It suits you, little thing,” she says to Nascha. “How old is she?”

“Almost a year old already, such a woman,” Brendon jokes, smiling. “I believe congratulations are in order, right? You’re about to be a grandma,” he says to Ginger.

“Oh, yes! Ryan told you, right?” She smiles big, bringing a hand to her chest. “Thank you, honey. I’m so happy! I can’t wait. I was dying to have a grandchild. I told Ryan a million times, too. He always avoids the conversation, but now he can’t escape anymore. Now that Spencer is going to be a father, he’s the next one, no excuse.”

“Oh, come on, Ginger,” Ryan complains, laughing and covering his face, blushing a little, he doesn’t know why.

“I totally agree,” Brendon nods, still laughing and looking at Ryan. “I always tell him he’s such a dad material, he’s just wasting his time.”

“Oh, well. Maybe he’s not…” she says, looking at Ryan again with a knowing smile. That makes Ryan blush even more and his eyes get big. That was totally unexpected and he can’t believe Ginger just said that. “I don’t want to interrupt, you boys. You were busy?”

“Of course not, Ginger. You’re not interrupting anything. We were just trying to get the kid to walk. She’s so ready, but I guess she’s more ready than her own legs,” Brendon laughs. Ginger does, too, and she looks at the baby again.

“Yeah, a girl that knows what she wants. I like her,” she says, handing Nascha to her father. “So, how are you doing, honey? Are you working now?”

“I’m doing pretty well, yeah,” Brendon nods and smiles, taking the baby in his arms. “I’m writing for a magazine, I like what I do, so I can’t really complain. How’s everything at home?”

“Oh, that’s so good! Well, the same as always, you know? Watching out for these kids,” she says, pointing at Ryan. “Or work is going to kill them.”

“Hey! I’m better at taking care of myself,” Ryan interrupts, walking close to them and sticking his tongue out to Nascha.

“Sure you are, honey,” Ginger adds, and she winks at Brendon. She maybe thinks Ryan doesn’t notice, but he does.

“Well, the moment Spencer has his kid in his arms he’s gonna know what’s a really killing job,” Brendon jokes. “That’s all I needed to learn how to take care of myself, having the responsibility of taking care of another little thing.”

“It is such a hard work…,” Ginger nods, looking at Brendon softly. “You’re really brave doing it on your own, baby,” she says. Ryan looks at Brendon, and he knows he doesn’t need to talk to tell him ‘see? I was right’ to him, smiling knowingly. Brendon, on the other hand, just shakes his head with a smile, dismissing it.

“It’s nothing new, Ginger. My mom raised us me and my siblings and I’m pretty sure she never had help from my dad at all, and it’s not like I’m juggling work and domestic life, I can work from home, so it’s really not that hard,” he says, also giving Ryan a quick look. He just rolls his eyes.

“He’s not good at giving himself credit, Ginger,” Ryan adds. “Don’t listen to him.”

That makes Ginger laugh, and she looks at both of them. Ryan doesn’t know if Brendon notices the look on her face or if he himself notices because he knows her too much, but it makes him look away and blush again, distracting himself with the baby so he can hide it.

“I’m just saying raising a kid it’s not brave, not something new. Every parent does it, how am I going to give myself credit for it?” Brendon laughs. “Wait until this man here has his own babies. He’s a natural. You’ll see when Spencer’s baby comes. It’s actually awesome to watch,” Brendon says to Ginger. Ryan murmurs ‘shut up’ but Ginger talks before they can hear him.

“Oh, I’m sure he is. He has so much love to give…,” she says, talking as if he wasn’t there even if Ryan complains. “No, really. You have a heart of gold, honey, and people deserve to know everything you’ve got in there,” she smiles, pointing at his chest and looking then at Brendon. “He doesn’t realize how good he is, such a waste of intelligence.”

“You only think that because I’m like a son to you,” Ryan says, smiling and not trying to hide the blush this time. “No mother thinks otherwise about her son. Brendon does the same with Nasch, although he’s actually right about everything he says about her.”

“I’m pretty sure Ginger is not lying,” Brendon smiles, shaking his head. “But I bet I’m not the only one who can’t take a compliment.”

“Hey!” Ryan complaints, pinching his arm lightly but laughing a little. Ginger laughs, too, and looks at them both again like she knows something they don’t. The room goes quiet for a few seconds, except for Nascha constant babbling, and then Ginger sighs and smiles bigger.

“Well, guys! I’m leaving, I’ll leave you three with your teaching and learning how to walk,” she laughs, walking towards Ryan and kissing his cheek. “Take care of yourself, honey. Eat. You’re at the end of the season and you’re tired, I can tell.”

“Okaaay, Ginger. Thanks for the food,” Ryan shakes his head, kissing her too before she goes to Brendon and the kid.

“You keep yourself as beautiful and sweet, huh? And you, pretty little thing, have fun! And don’t give your dad a hard time,” she says, touching their cheeks in that motherly way she always does.

“I don’t think she can do that, but she tries,” Brendon laughs. “Take care, Ginger. Hope to see you soon again.”

“Oh, I bet we will,” she laughs, waving at them. Ryan walks her to the door and says goodbye, and ignores the way she looks at him and says something about him having fun and doing things right. He knows she’s right, but he doesn’t want to talk about it, especially _now_. So he thanks her again, for everything, and kisses her cheek once more before saying goodbye and closing the door, going back to Brendon and Nasch.

“Well,” he says, sighing. “She’s such a mother,” he laughs.

“For you especially,” Brendon smiles. “I’m glad you still have her. She cares about you and you totally need people to care about you since you seem unable to do it yourself sometimes,” he jokes.

“Hey! That’s not true,” he says, frowning but smiling. “I take care of myself pretty good… although I prefer when _someone_ takes care of me sometimes,” he smiles at him knowingly.

“Well, I sure hope too she doesn’t care _like that_ about you,” Brendon says, laughing. Ryan feels his eyes get big and round, and he doesn’t know what kind of face he has, but he feels horrified.

“Oh my god! Shut uuuup,” he says, wrinkling his nose and shaking his head to forget about it. “Why did you say that?!” he laughs. Brendon laughs even more, shaking his head.

“I’m shocked myself! But it was you who brought it up!” He excuses himself. Ryan shakes his head.

“Oh, no, don’t blame me for that,” he says, laughing again. “I’ll forget you said that for the sake of my sanity,” he jokes.

“And you’ll do well,” Brendon nods, still laughing. “Jesus, let’s forget about it, yeah. And let’s keep me the only one who takes care of you that way, huh?”

“Of course,” Ryan says, smiling at him crookedly. “I wouldn’t want it otherwise, anyway.”

“I wonder what Ginger would think if she knew I’m not only a good father but also a pretty good _daddy_ ,” Brendon says, and he burst out laughing right away. Ryan face changes again, and he grabs the closest cushion to hit Brendon with it. Brendon moves, still laughing, protecting Nascha in his arms with his body.

“Asshole!” he says as he does. Out of everything they have tried or talked about trying so far, that’s the only thing Ryan has said a definite no to. Maybe it’s because of his issues with the whole dad thing, but he shudders just thinking about it,  and not in a good way. “Oh my god, I hate you so much.”

“Yeah? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure you love me,” Brendon says, his laugh turning into a soft smile when he blinks and looks at the baby, kissing her nose and making a face for her to laugh. Ryan bites his lip and laughs shot because, well, he actually does.

“You love torturing me, though,” he jokes, looking at them because he will never get tired of seeing them interact.

“That’s not a lie…” Brendon smiles at him. “But I’m also good at it. So, in the end, I’m always good,” he grins.

“ _Of course_ ,” Ryan agrees, laughing a little. He keeps staring at him, maybe being too obvious, but he doesn’t care at this point anymore. He talks softer when he adds. “You are.”

“Good?” Brendon asks, looking at Ryan and shifting on the couch to keep the baby close to his chest now that she’s resting her head on his shoulder. “At everything?” He asks again, this time laughing.

“Yeah... pretty much,” Ryan answers, nibbling at his bottom lip. Brendon shakes his head, still laughing but a bit softer now that the baby seems to be falling asleep.

“Not at all. But thank you. It’s such a compliment coming from someone who is actually good at pretty much everything.”

“Hey, come on, don’t do that,” he says, laughing a little. “I’m actually pretty bad at dancing, we agreed on that. And at being tidy. I’m bad at a lot of things and you know it,” he jokes. He smiles softly because Nascha’s eyelids fall heavy even though she tries to keep them open, and he lowers his voice. “I wish I could take a picture of you two right now…” he adds, and then he frowns. “Okay, that sounded creepy.”

“Uh. Yeah, it did,” Brendon laughs. “But you could, I don’t mind,” he shrugs, smiling. “Also, there’s a lot of things you’re good at. You’re good at playing hockey, for example. You’re good at teaching hockey. You’re good at planning dates. You’re a good friend, a good partner, an awesome babysitter, and I’m sure as hell you’re an awesome dad, or you would be. You’re a good son, too. And, above all, you’re a good person.”

Ryan looks down at his lap and smiles softly, swallowing and trying to take the compliment and not disagreeing about all that. Well, he’s good at playing hockey, that’s true. But he’s not that sure about teaching. And his dad would disagree about him being a good son, probably. He actually gets stuck in one thing, though, and he talks slowly when he looks up at Brendon again.

“Am I?” he asks, swallowing before adding. “A good partner.”

“Of course you are,” Brendon smiles. “Better than most people, I assure you.”

“Thank you,” he whispers, smiling at him again. He thinks about some things he did back when they were together that don’t make him feel like a good partner at all, but the truth is he doesn’t want to ruin the moment right now talking about it.

“Don’t even mention it. It’s just the truth,” Brendon smiles too. Ryan looks at him and shakes his head.

“You really are beautiful, you know?” he says, laughing softly. “Inside and out.”

“Where did that came from?” Brendon chuckles, keeping his warm smile on. “Did I do something?”

“Just. Smile, I guess,” Ryan laughs. “You know, people don’t usually tell you the things you’re good at, but the ones you’re bad at. And if they do, they are not really honest about it, they don’t sound honest,” he says, frowning a little but still smiling. “People tell me I’m good at hockey, I know that. And Ginger tells me I’m good at existing because she loves me too much. But you… you don’t need to tell me those things, you really believe them and you say them and that’s. That’s so pure of you. Like, you see the good in people and you tell them. That’s one of the things that make you incredible,” he explains, looking at him softly and warm. “Even more after everything ugly that’s happened to you. You’re just… such a pretty human being despite everything.”

“Well, I try not to let shitty things define me. The past is in the past, I like to live in the present. That doesn’t make me pretty, only a practical person,” Brendon says. Ryan laughs and shakes his head, sitting closer to him and reaching out with his hand to touch his.

“What makes you pretty is not the fact that you live in the present, it’s the fact that you don’t let your past define who you are to other people. It’s different. You could live in the present being in peace with yourself, but you not only do that, you decide to be there for other people, you decide treating them good and making them feel good about themselves,” Ryan explains, looking at him right in the eye. “You _choose_ to show people the beautiful things they have inside. That’s what makes you pretty,” he finishes, adding after a second. “Among other things.”

“Or maybe it’s just you who look at me that way. Maybe I’m just like that in your eyes, but I’m okay with that,” Brendon smiles, opening his arms and grabbing Ryan’s for a few seconds, squeezing.

“You wrote a book so people could find strength in it, telling every single thing that happened to you so it made them believe it was going to be okay. You decided to write for a magazine so girls and boys having trouble for who they are could have someone to support them no matter where they were. That’s not me looking at you that way,” Ryan smiles at him.

“Now you’re trying to make me blush,” Brendon laughs, lowering his eyes and hiding his face. “This was so much fun when it was me torturing you… Is this your revenge?”

Ryan laughs and interlaces their fingers a little, searching for his eyes again and shaking his head.

“Nah, although I have to say I’m glad you’re the one blushing for a change,” he jokes. “I’m just trying to make you see yourself as you are. No more, no less,” he says, and he laughs when he remembers something. “You know, someone told me once you were just a man. I answered: I wish he was just a man. Because that’s what you do, you decide to be more than ‘just a man’.”

“That person was right, I’m just a man. I don’t know what kind of man you’ve met before but I promise you I’m not more special than anyone,” Brendon replies. “Trust me. I’m mediocre at best.”

“You’re a mediocre stubborn,” Ryan jokes, laughing and shaking his head. “Okay, you win. But I don’t believe you,” he says, smiling at him. Brendon laughs, opening his eyes surprised.

“Then what do I get by winning?”

“Humm,” Ryan says, making a thoughtful face. He was going to offer a kiss, but he thinks it’s better not to risk it and shrugs. “Dinner?”

“Oh, really? Well, then that’s not bad at all,” Brendon smiles and nods. “Okay. Dinner accepted. What are you cooking, chef?”

“What do you want? Because I’m not sure you want to eat what’s in my diet,” he says, wrinkling his nose and laughing.

“No, you offered dinner, now you can’t make me choose. Surprise me,” Brendon says, smiling. “And, if it’s good, maybe I’ll surprise you later too.”

“Challenge accepted,” Ryan nods, smiling big and squeezing his hand where their fingers are still interlaced.

 


	13. The gift

11.

The last game of round one is a though one. The Hounds win but they suffer a lot to do it. Blake gets injured and he will miss the rest of the playoffs, including the Stanley Cup if they get there, and the rest of the team finishes the game like they left their lives in the rink, which they pretty much did. So they are now in semifinals and the excitement is present in the lockers room, as much as the sadness because of Blake. Ryan even organizes a barbecue at his place to celebrate and everyone looks at him weird when he suggests it, but everyone goes anyway. They say he looks brighter and more sociable now, and that they’re happy they can drink his beer now. Those assholes.

The next weeks go fast between games, practice, public appearances and charity events. They visit the kids in the hospital, the veteran center and a couple of associations helping disabled people, and they increase their workouts sessions and their physiotherapy ones, traveling more than twice per week. They still have to play seven semifinals games and the final ones before the Stanley Cup, and time flies for Ryan.

Nascha’s birthday comes before he knows, and Ryan is even more excited than when it’s him the birthday boy. Not just because he’s getting old but because he loves giving presents and he’s dying to give Nasch hers. Luckily, he has the day off, so he wakes up early and makes sure it’s everything okay at home because he told Brendon he would go to his place to help preparing everything. He wanted to pay for a bouncy castle for the kids, but Brendon talked some sense into him when he told him his kid didn’t even walk yet. What they do have it’s a lot of balloons, Ryan doesn’t realize how many until he’s sitting on Brendon’s living room blowing them up with a birthday hat on.

“Okay, I’m gonna need new lungs after this party,” he says, letting one fall to the floor as he finishes with it. “I think I’m dizzy.”

“Oh, really? We’ll have to intensify our cardio sessions…” Brendon jokes, poking at Ryan’s side with his elbow. “Come on, we need to get the tables ready. Cassie will be here in about an hour,” he says. Nascha is staying with her so Brendon could work better for the party, and also for it to be a surprise, although Brendon already knows she won’t probably remember anything. ‘But that’s what pictures are for’, he said, and that’s true.

“Okay. Everything’s in the kitchen, right?” Ryan asks as he stands, grabbing his noisemaker and blowing close to Brendon’s face, laughing. “I put the cupcakes on the fridge. Where’s your hat?”

“My hat?” Brendon laughs. “It’s invisible, only smart people can see it,” he jokes. Ryan reaches out to tickle him.

“Ha ha, you’re so funny. You can’t offend me, though,” he says, dancing a little as they enter the kitchen. “I’m in a party mood.”

“Oohhh, I like your party self,” Brendon laughs, grabbing Ryan’s wrist and dancing with him, bringing him closer, “it’s more fun than your dumb self,” he mocks him. Ryan blows the noisemaker again, hitting Brendon’s face and laughing.

“I don’t have a dumb self,” he says, putting his arms on Brendon’ shoulders and murmuring some Bruno Mars song as he keeps dancing.

“Oh, like hell you do,” Brendon laughs, biting the noise maker off Ryan’s mouth and spitting it out. “Now what? I took out your weapon.”

“Noooooooo,” he complains, pouting. “Now I’ll have to find another way to make sound. Like singing. And I assure you, you don’t wanna hear that…”

“Well I bet I can find ways to cover up your mouth if that happens,” Brendon smirks, lifting his chin and dancing better, this time putting out some effort. Ryan actually looks at him serious.

“You can’t say that. We’re alone. For a whole hour,” he says, and then he starts to murmur softly, singing. “ _This hit, that ice cold,_ hum hum,” he starts, not really knowing the lyrics but singing anyway. Brendon laughs, moving his head and his body, following the rhythm, his smile getting sharper as he gets his face closer to Ryan, too close, so close their noses are almost touching when Ryan feels Brendon’s hand wrap around his neck, squeezing.

“Maybe I don’t even need to cover up your mouth for you to shut up,” Brendon whispers, his wolfish smile still on. Ryan bites his bottom lip and looks at him, shutting up right away. “See?” Brendon laughs, getting closer to Ryan’s ear and squeezing a little tighter. “You’re _so easy_ ,” he says right before he lets Ryan go. He groans and shakes his head, laughing a little.

“ _Easy come, easy go_ ,” he starts again, laughing more. “Okay, okay. I’ll stop. But just because one hour is not enough and we still have things to prepare,” he says, and he suddenly wants to bite Brendon’s cheek, but he refrains and behaves, smiling at him innocently.

“Not enough?” Brendon raises an eyebrow, chuckling. “Not enough for what? I have no idea what you’re talking about…”

“...I’d blow my noisemaker to you right now if I had it,” Ryan says, sticking his tongue out. Brendon bites the air so close to Ryan’s tongue he can almost feel it, making him jump.

“So cute,” Brendon laughs. “Come on, we need to get things ready,” he says, and just like that he kisses Ryan’s cheek before he moves away, starting to put things on the table.

“You always giving orders…” Ryan sighs dramatically, joking and getting to it with him. He still keeps dancing and murmuring random songs that come to his mind while he takes the glasses and dishes and get them on the table.

They manage to get everything in place by the time Cassie gets there, and soon the place is full of people. Of course Jacky and Amanda are there, along with Jon and Joanna, but apart from that Ryan doesn’t really know the rest of parents and children the same age as Nascha. Brendon has invited Spencer and Linda too, and Ryan suspects it’s because Linda is pregnant and they used to get along pretty well, but maybe he was also thinking of how Ryan wouldn’t really know a lot of people there.

It’s actually the first time Ryan sees Jacky and Amanda since Brendon and him were together, and at first it feels weird. Ryan doesn’t know how to act, he doesn’t know if they still like him or if they hate him or something. Actually, his relationship with Jacky wasn’t the best it could be, but they got along fine. Ryan says hello to them as soon as they get there, though, shaking their hands and smiling small to both of them. He’s nervous, he doesn’t know why, but he tries to hide it the best he can.

“Hey, guys,” he says. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too, man. We’ve heard you guys went to semi finals. Congratulations,” Jacky shoots him with his usual 1000 watts smile. That makes him relax a little, it seems like he doesn’t hate him that much after all.

“Thanks, dude,” he smiles, and he actually stays talking to them for a while. He asks Amanda about her job and catches up a little with them both. He is really happy to see them again, and he says so to them before going to say hello to Jon and little Jo, hugging her hard and kissing her cheek several times.

With the playoffs and everything, it’s been a while since he last saw her and he missed her a lot. He says so to Joanna and smiles big as he tells her how happy he is seeing her. The girl seems so happy to see him she stays with him for a long time, always trying to get his attention. Jon joins them too, and he makes a little conversation with Ryan, joking about how they’ve lost Brendon and Cassie to the party.

“They love these things, being around people and getting in charge of everything,” he says, laughing. Ryan laughs too, nodding.

“They do. Well, I don’t know much about Cassie, but Brendon really loves the hustle and bustle that comes with it. It’s like it gives him energy or something. By the end of the day he will be an energy ball unable to stop smiling,” he says, laughing and looking around the party.

“Yeah, and then we’re the ones who have to wear them out,” Jon laughs, and then he makes a face and twist his lips with a guilty chuckle. “Sorry, man. That was inappropriate.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he says, smiling at him and shrugging. “You should try and wear Brendon out some time, good luck with that,” he jokes to make it less awkward, laughing.

“Oh, man, no way,” Jon burst out laughing. “Wouldn’t even know where to start. To each one their own,” he says, winking at Ryan and grabbing some snacks from the table. Ryan laughs and takes a sip from his glass of soda, looking back at the people at the party.

He doesn’t know most of them but he said hello to everyone, some of them looking at him like they know who he is. Ryan knows those looks, he notices the moment someone recognizes him, but they were very discreet about it and just treated him like they treated everyone else. He is thankful for that, even though he can feel some stares on him from time to time. The looks get more intense when Spencer and Linda get to the party because Spencer has that effect on people.

Ryan opens the door for them and says hi, hugging his friend and kissing Linda’s cheek with a smile. For a moment he thought they weren’t going to show up, but here they are, and they say hello to Jon and the little one before Cassie and Brendon come to meet them, too.

“You guys came! Nice to see you,” Brendon smiles and greets them both. “Jesus, I can’t believe we didn’t notice you were pregnant, it’s so obvious!,” he says, looking at Linda. “And you’re even prettier now, good Lord, what have this man done to deserve you…” he shakes his head, making Linda laugh.

“Come on, don’t laugh, you’re encouraging him…” Spencer rolls his eyes, but then they fix on the girl Brendon is carrying in his arms. She’s looking at Spencer with huge eyes and a big, contagious smile, making grabby hands to him and Linda.

“What is it? You like these new people? Huh?” Brendon looks at Linda and smiles. “You wanna hold her? But you need to be careful, she’s a little rough and sometimes she kicks when she’s too excited.” Brendon looks at Ryan. “Maybe you can hold her and introduce her to your friends?”

“Oh, of course, okay,” he says, shrugging and reaching out with his arms, smiling big. “Come with meeee, my pretty smartest princess,” he laughs as he grabs her. The baby laughs louder, hugging Ryan’s neck and wiggling in his arms to keep looking around. “Come here, look. This is Spencer, you know him because he’s the best at playing hockey, right? And he aaaalways scores! Say hi to him, come on,” he says, looking at his friend and smiling big when he sees his face. Ryan knows Spencer is going to adore her, it’s written all over his features. Nascha moves her arms excitedly, smiling huge and drooling all over Ryan while she screams something with a lot of ‘a’. “And this is Linda, his wife and the one who prevents him from doing bad, bad things,” he jokes.

“So his mommy, then?” Brendon adds with a smirk on his face, earning a dirty look from Spencer.

“Are you into that stuff? Because not everyone is like you,” Spencer replies but that only makes Brendon laugh.

“Well, you should try it. Spice it up a bit, Smith. No one likes a boring man in bed. That’s just sad…”

“Come on, guys. _Kids_ ,” Cassie says, looking around and then at them like she really is their mother. Spencer grunts and Brendon chuckles, but all of that is forgotten the moment Nascha reaches out to Spencer and grabs his cheek, laughing.

“Oh, wow. She likes you,” Brendon says, surprised. Spencer seems shocked and Linda looks at him with almost literally heart-eyes.

“Hey, kid,” Spencer says with half a disarmed smile, bringing his hand up to let Nascha grab his finger instead. “It’s your birthday, huh?” He laughs when she doesn’t stop smiling, looking up at Ryan. “Can you keep her instead of the dad?”

“I knew you were going to love her,” Ryan says, laughing and looking at Nascha all soft and warm. “It’s impossible not to,” he adds, kissing her cheek. “But no, Spence. That’d be kidnapping.”

“I mean when you get divorced. Like, take custody of --”

“Spencer!” Linda scolds him, looking at him wrinkling her nose and slapping his arm softly. “That’s so rude to say,” she shakes her head while he laughs.

“So his mommy, after all,” Brendon reaffirms with a knowing smile.

“So, who’s the one turning one today?” Ryan says, looking at Spencer with a raised eyebrow and then at Brendon, pleading him with his eyes to not make it worse. “Speaking of, I have your present in the car, pretty thing,” he adds, looking at Nascha and smiling big. “Gonna get it, you’re going to love it, right?” He kisses her again and gives her to Brendon, smiling at him before turning to Spencer. “You think you can behave while I go to the car? It’ll be just a minute.”

“I’ll be in the ball pool with the rest of the kids,” Spencer mocks him, rolling his eyes. “I’m not the one you should be asking that, but okay.”

Ryan laughs and looks at Linda, rolling his eyes a little before telling them he’ll be back in a minute. He wanted to get the present in the house before they all came, but since Brendon and him got a little distracted while preparing everything, he didn’t have time and he forgot about it until now. He gets the huge wrapped box from the backseat, closing the door and walking inside the house again clumsily because he can’t actually see anything.

“Okaaaay, here we are!” he announces as he enters again.

“Jesus, Ryan, what are you bringing there?” Brendon laughs, looking at Nascha. “You see, baby? Ryan got you some humongous thing! What is it? A house?” He jokes. Ryan laughs too, letting the box on the floor.

“It’s better than a house!” he says. “Come on, let’s open it!”

“But we need to cut the cake first!” Brendon laughs. “Don’t be inpatient, as soon as everybody is here we’ll blow the candles and open the presents. If we can get someone to record it, it would be awesome.”

“Okaaay,” Ryan sighs, being childish.

The party keeps going as well as before. Everyone laughing and talking and eating. Ryan plays with Joanna for a while and then he goes back to being an adult, talking with his friends. At some point, Spencer seems to get closer to Nascha, and Ryan finds him carrying her in his arms while Linda looks at them smiling, his best friend talking to the baby as she laughs and moves excitedly in his arms. Ryan watches them in the distance and laughs, shaking his head. That girl is going to run the world some day.

Brendon is probably one of the best host Ryan has ever witnessed, always keeping an eye on everybody to make sure they’re having a good time, keeping plates full and the music at the right volume. It looks stressing, but it seems like he actually loves it. That’s why, when the lights turn off, Ryan knows it’s not accidental, and he can see Jacky carrying the big cake with a single candle on it, walking towards the table where Brendon is sitting, holding Nascha in his arms. He gets his phone right away to film the moment, making sure no one gets in front of them so they can look good, but Brendon’s eyes meet his and then he makes a sign, moving his hand to tell Ryan to come closer. Everybody start singing the birthday song, and Nascha claps and laughs and bounces on Brendon’s lap, and Brendon reaches for Ryan when he’s close enough, getting him right by his side and taking the phone away from his hand.

“I handled that already. Just enjoy this moment with us,” Brendon whispers with a soft smile on his face, keeping on with the birthday song. Ryan can only smile and look at him for a second, feeling warm and content inside, before he turns his attention back to the princess and finishes singing with the rest of the people.

Nascha blows the candle, or she tries. It’s actually Brendon the one who does it before the cake turns into a pool of drool, and everybody claps and cheers before they turn the light on again. Brendon cuts the first portion of cake using Nascha’s hand and serves it to her, and then he leaves the rest for Jacky to cut and share with the rest of the guests. Ryan watches the whole thing amazed in a way he has never felt before. It’s a weird feeling, seeing that little thing bouncing and smiling the whole time, bigger with every day that passes by. Although it’s not that unrecognizable the way he feels when he looks at Brendon and sees him so happy, so proud of his baby. Ryan can’t help but smile and feel happy himself, and he wants to see that smile on Brendon’s face everyday.

“Presents!” he shouts when everyone has their portion of cake and the table is clean, smiling big. Brendon laughs and nods, and right then everybody moves to get their presents and put them on a big pile next to Nascha, waiting for them to be opened.

“So, you wanna go first or last, excited boy?” Brendon jokes, looking at Ryan.

“Oh, no, no. She decides, they are her presents,” he laughs, hiding a little behind his own hair. Brendon just shakes his head and roll his eyes with a chuckle.

“She’s a year old baby,” he says like it’s obvious (it is) and takes the first present he sees, putting them in front of Nascha and helping her opening it.

The toys and clothes and pretty things start making a pile, and Nascha seems to enjoy the hustle and bustle of the situation. She hugs every plushie and touches every toy and tries to eat everything else before Brendon puts it out of reach and goes for the next one. When the moment to open the big box arrives, Brendon looks at Ryan with a unbeliever face before he laughs, starting to open it.

The green dino that emerges from the box is almost as big as Nascha, and her eyes grow almost as big too when she sees it, screaming and laughing and making grabby hands when Brendon holds it up.

“So now I have two babies instead of one,” Brendon jokes, making everybody laugh. Ryan does, too, but mostly because he can’t contain the excitement seeing Nascha so happy about the dino. The toy is wearing a Hounds shirt, of course, he himself asked the club for it because it has something special.

“Turn it around,” he says to Brendon so he can see Nascha’s name on the shirt with the number one right bellow. This time it’s Brendon who opens his eyes wide, smiling at Ryan.

“That is… so nice of you. Sh-. No. I. Nice is not the right word, but I’m afraid there’s a lot of kids around to use the right word,” he says, shaking his head and biting his bottom lip. “Thanks. She’s going to go nuts when she’s old enough to understand this.”

“I’m more than happy seeing her face just now,” Ryan says, smiling at him.

“Do you mind?” Brendon asks, but he doesn’t wait for permission before taking the shirt off the toy and putting it on Nascha. “Manda, comm´ere. This needs a picture,” Brendon calls, and Amanda comes in with her camera, something totally better than Ryan’s phone. “Hey, you! Come here too. Don’t you want to pose near your present?” Brendon asks Ryan. He laughs, and he bites his lip a bit hesitant, but in the end he gives in, because, hell, he does want a picture with Nascha.

“Okay,” he says, getting closer to them and smiling at the princess. “You liked it, baby? Yeah? It looks awesome on you!”

They take a couple of photos while Ryan ignores the way Spencer lifts his eyebrow at him in the distance. He doesn’t need to be close to him to know what his friend is telling him. The party keeps going with everyone chatting and eating and Brendon being the awesome host he is. Ryan plays with Joanna for a while and goes back to his friends, where Spencer, Linda, Jacky and Amanda seem to get along pretty well. As the time passes, though, Ryan grows more impatient because he still has a present for Nasch, but it’s not one he can actually give to her. So just as he sees Brendon walk through the room but not talking to anyone for once, Ryan excuses himself and walks towards him fast, grabbing his wrist when he reaches him.

“Come here a minute,” he says, pulling at him and leaving the room full of people to disappear.

“Woah, what is it?” Brendon laughs and follows him, frowning for a second, “Is everything all right?”

“Yup,” Ryan answers as they walk into Brendon’s office, stopping and smiling at him. “Just wanted to give you the other present in private.”

“I know it’s not as dirty as it sounds…” Brendon says, but he still raises an eyebrow, looking at Ryan curiously. “Or is it?”

“Shut up,” Ryan laughs, shaking his head. “I’m being serious. They pay me millions a year, you really think I was just going to buy her a giant dino?” He asks, pulling out the small envelope he’s been carrying the whole day and giving it to Brendon.

“I swear to god, if you bought her something crazy like a private plane, I’ll....” Brendon stops talking when he opens the envelope, taking what’s inside and looking at Ryan. “You didn’t…”

“You just have to choose the dates. I didn’t know when you were going to be able to go, with work and everything, so,” he says, biting his lip and smiling excitedly. “It’s okay, though. Everything’s booked, the plane tickets and the hotel with all included of course. As long as you don’t wanna go, like, tomorrow, I just have to call and give them the dates. Being famous has its perks, too,” he laughs.

“It sure does,” Brendon laughs, still looking at the tickets. “She’s gonna love it. Thank you,” he smiles, reaching out and hugging Ryan closer. Ryan hugs him back and smiles.

“Don’t lie, you’re going to love it, too. Have you ever been to Disney world?” He laughs.

“Of course I haven’t,” Brendon laughs too. “But I’m trying to act like an adult here,” he makes a face, laughing even more. “Anyway, have _you_ been? Don’t act all cocky here.”

“No, I haven’t,” he laughs. “But in exchange for this present you’re gonna send videos and photos of everything so I can see it all,” he jokes. Brendon laughs again, but something in his face changes.

“Well, yes. Yeah, sure…” Brendon nods, the smile still on his face although not quite the same. “Are these just for Nasch and me, then?”

“Oh, well. Unless you want to bring someone else with...,” Ryan stops for a second when his brain analyzes Brendon’s words and he swallows, not really knowing if he should assume Brendon was referring to him. He wants to, though. “Um. I mean. I d-didn’t know if you wanted, like, company.”

“I thought you were included in the pack,” Brendon jokes, but he talks softer too. “I mean, I get it, you’re pretty busy all the time and the least you want is to spend your free time at Disney world, but you know… She would enjoy having someone else to bother apart from her daddy.”

Ryan swallows and laughs, and he can feel his heart speeding up a little as he rubs his hands on his jeans.

“Well. they do say it’s the happiest place on earth,” he laughs, looking straight at Brendon’s eyes. “I can’t think of a better way of spending my free time, actually. I didn’t want to invite myself, but… I’d like to go.”

“Then you’re coming,” Brendon smiles wide, his whole face lightening up. “Just tell me when you’re free, I’ll take those days off. It’s not a problem.”

“Deal,” he says, and he smiles big at him, with a stupid soft look and the bubbling feeling inside his guts.

 

*

 

The last ones leaving the house are Jon and Cassie, with Joanna still high on sugar as she climbs her father. Cassie asks Brendon if he needs help cleaning up and everything but Ryan tells her not to worry because he’s gonna stay and help him, so they say goodbye to them at the door, Ryan hugging Joanna before going back inside as Brendon and Nascha  say goodbye to them. When they come back to the living room, Ryan is still wearing the party hat and his smile is childlike as he looks at Brendon and the princess.

“Look what I found! It’s my noisemaker!” He says, bringing it to his mouth and blowing. It makes a weird sound, though, and it makes him laugh and look at it with his nose wrinkled. “I think this noisemaker got drunk.”

He laughs and leaves it on the table, looking around and searching for a trash can so he can start cleaning the place, humming some song under his breath. He looks up over his shoulder to see where’s Brendon a few seconds later, making a face to make Nascha laugh. Brendon smiles at him too, and he starts to pick up things too, only a little slower because he’s using Nascha’s hands to make her laugh too.

He doesn’t keep it on for long, though, because it’s a little tiring and he says he wants to finish today, so Brendon puts Nascha on the floor, on top of her blanket to play with her new toys. She doesn’t usually stays in the same place for long, but right now she’s too excited about her new things to keep her eyes off them.

“It was fun, huh?” Brendon asks when he walks past Ryan to pick up the broom. “Her first birthday and my first toddler party. I think we both did pretty well,” he jokes. Ryan laughs and looks at him.

“It was perfect. This party made you officially the best dad ever,” he says, looking back at the table where there are just a couple of plastic glasses left.

“Are you the perfect gift maker then?” Brendon asks back, smiling at him.

“Well, I do what I can,” Ryan jokes, laughing a little. “I like to make people I love happy,” he adds shrugging. “And luckily for me I can do it.”

“You don’t need to buy gifts for that…” Brendon shakes his head, walking towards Ryan when he finishes sweeping the floor. “But it’s nice that you also do it. Although I appreciate so much more you staying to help me clean up without even saying a word,” he smiles, leaning in and kissing Ryan’s cheek. “You’re such an angel.”

Ryan laughs softly and he can feel himself blushing a little, looking down at the floor. He doesn’t understand why he’s suddenly so nervous, but the effect Brendon’s words have on him never changes. No matter how much time they spend together or what they do, Brendon will always have a way to make him feel all teenager about him.

“It’s no problem. You need a hand around here,” he says, looking up just to smile at him, his cheeks still a little red. “Actually, you can stop now and enjoy the rest of the time with your kid, I’ll finish this.”

“Come on, don’t be like that. We’ll do it together and we’ll finish in half the time, so you can enjoy some time with her too. Deal?” Brendon says, making a funny face. “Also I bet she wants some time with you too.”

“Oh, I think she’s fine with Mr. Rawr there,” Ryan says, laughing a little as he watches Nascha with the giant dino. He looks back at Brendon, though, and nods, smiling. “We better finish before she decides to use him as a hold to stand up and start running once and for all.”

“As long as she doesn’t dry hump him, I’m okay with it,” Brendon laughs, making Ryan burst out laughing too. “No, but really. I don’t think she even cares about it. Walking, I mean. She’s perfectly fine with crawling up and down everywhere.”

“But she likes to stand up. We just need to motivate her,” Ryan says, laughing a little. “It’s like playing hockey, if you want to do something you still can’t do, you just promise yourself a reward if you get it,” he adds, wrinkling his nose. “Kind of. Maybe not exactly like that since she can’t actually understand words but. You can, you know, hold a cupcake and make her walk towards it.”

“You want me to train her like I trained Vegas?” Brendon laughs, shaking his head. “She’ll manage to get the cupcake either way, she’s smarter than a dog,” he says, but he looks at the girl and twist his lips. “But maybe I can make her stand up and hold herself on her feet without help, or maybe… Wait, let’s try it.”

Brendon leaves the things he’s got in his hands and walks towards Nascha to sit on the blanket too, opening his legs and placing the baby between them, holding her with his hands under her arms, making her face him. Ryan leaves what he’s holding too and watches them from where he is.

“Okay, baby, you’re gonna learn something new today, okay? Let’s stand up,” Brendon smiles, helping her a little and making her stand up. “Now I’m gonna leave you do it all on your own, what do you say?” he asks her, but when he takes his hands off her, she falls down on her diaper and laughs. “Well. Not the best first try, but not the worst. Let’s do it again.”

Ryan laughs and walks closer to them as she watches her try again. It’s as hypnotizing as always, seeing Brendon interacting with her. It’s like everything else just disappear and Ryan can’t do anything but smiling and stare at the scene without blinking, his chest full. He stands next to them for a moment, not wanting to intrude but wanting desperately to participate.

“Come on, princess. You almost got it!” he says, smiling big at her when she looks up at him.

“She’s trying hard, isn’t she?” Brendon smiles, still looking at her, helping her up once more. “She stays up longer and longer each time,” he says, taking his hands and smiling wider during the few seconds she doesn’t fall. “That’s my girl. Exactly!”

“Hey, look at that! You’re a strong lady, that’s for sure,” Ryan laughs as he sits down, too, right behind Brendon and resting his chin on his shoulder. “Next week you will be running after her all around the house, remember my words.”

“You think so?” Brendon asks, moving his head just a little, enough to look at Ryan through the corner of his eyes, a smile on his face too before he looks back at Nascha. He doesn’t say a word about Ryan being so close, he doesn’t make a move to put some distance between them, so Ryan thinks he’s good. “We’ll see. Maybe if you help a little you’ll be right.”

“Me? I wanted to train her like a dog, what am I supposed to do?” He laughs. “I think my dad skills need to be improved desperately. What did you have in mind?”

“Just this,” Brendon says, reaching back and taking Ryan’s hands in his, bringing them at front and using them to hold Nascha and help her up. Ryan laughs a little nervously but does the same Brendon’s been doing before, encouraging her to stay standing up with his eyes fixed on her in case she’s going to fall down or something. “See? Wasn’t too hard, right?”

Brendon keeps his hands next to Nascha at both of her sides, but he doesn’t touch her again, he just keeps them there in case she falls, but he mostly just lets Ryan help her up and leave her there. He does something, though. He leaves himself fall back and rest his back on Ryan’s chest. Ryan keeps helping the princess, and claps when she manages to stay standing up longer than two seconds, smiling the whole time.

“I’m gonna try something,” he says softly, focused, and this time he just reaches out with his hand so Nascha can use it to stand up. He doesn’t grab her, just waits until she holds on him and tries to stand up, needing a couple of attempts. When she gets it, he puts his hand back slowly, making her let go of him and trying to make her follow his hand because she still wants to hold herself on it.

“I think your dad skills are pretty good,” Brendon says in a warm, calm tone, but he also lowers his voice because, when he moves his head to the side, he’s so close to Ryan his words almost touch Ryan’s face. “I’ve got a vacant, do you want to fill in?” He jokes. He must joke, because he chuckles, but there’s something else in his voice. It is that something what makes Ryan look away from the kid to look at him, turning his head just a little because they are that close.

“Do you need my résumé?” he says in a low voice, trying to keep on with the joke and laughing softly, but swallowing right after. “Because I’d give it to you right now,” he adds, and this time it doesn’t sound like a joke at all, but Brendon is so close, smelling like home and letting him see all the freckles on his face and his round, brown eyes. Ryan can’t think about joking anymore.

“I think…” Brendon smiles, the warm air escaping his lips hitting Ryan’s. “I think we can skip that kind of formalities. After all… I’ve already seen what you’re capable of,” he says and swallows, his eyelids falling down a little, his eyes moving from Ryan’s to his lips. “Although I’m afraid I can’t offer you a short-term contract. Just a permanent one.”

Ryan’s heart speeds up so fast he can feel it hitting his ribcage hard and he can hear it in his ears. He swallows again, his eyes fixed on Brendon’s face as he pleads in silence for this to be what he thinks it is.

“I wouldn’t want it otherwise,” he whispers, his lips trembling a little. He bites them to stop it, blinking just once, expecting the reaction to his confession. Brendon close his eyes and smiles. He just does that, he smiles wider and wider, his breath still hitting Ryan’s face, his body heat increasing because they are so close.

“Then I guess… you’re…” Their noses touch and Brendon open his eyes, they brush as they move closer, as they start breathing each other’s breath. Brendon closes his eyes again and he closes his lips too, only this time around Ryan’s.

They have kissed a lot these past months, a lot of times, roughly and desperately and going crazy with it. But this is nothing like those kisses. This one is warm, sweet and soft. This one feels totally different and Ryan’s lips tremble with it, his skin standing up on edge, his stomach turning upside down because this is not rushed sex or passionate need. This is just them.

He kisses back with his eyes closed, focused on the way Brendon’s lips feel on his own, letting himself be carried away by the sensations. Ryan opens his lips slowly, and sighs as he feels Brendon’s tongue touching them. It’s like the kiss creates a magical atmosphere around them, and Ryan loses all sense of time, until suddenly something hits him hard on his still extended arm, followed by a scream and a laugh.

Ryan breaks the kiss slowly just to look at Nascha out of the corner of his eye and see her sitting on the floor looking at them with big eyes, clearly not liking the lack of attention. It makes him laugh softly as he turns his eyes back to Brendon, resting his forehead against his and swallowing, closing his eyes with a smile. Brendon laughs, Ryan can hear him laughing, just a soft chuckle before he moves and turns his head around, looking at Nascha, resting his back on Ryan’s chest again and sighs.

“Hired,” he says, moving his hands to reach for the baby, tickling her and making her laugh, getting her up and helping her walk a few steps so he can hug her. “Yeah, I think that’s the word I was looking for.”

“Yeah?” Ryan says while he rests his hands on Brendon’s waist softly. And the question hides a lot of more questions behind it. He knows it can be seen in his eyes as he looks at them both full of hope. Brendon doesn’t look back at him, though, and for a second he just keeps looking at Nascha, smiling at her.

“If you’re sure you want a job where you can never retire…” Brendon chuckle, and he moves his face just the right amount so he can look at Ryan through the corner of his eye. Ryan laughs a little nervous, looking at Nascha and smiling big as his heart beats harder.

“I don’t think I have ever been so sure about something,” he confesses in a low voice. This time Brendon does turn around and look at him. His eyes are shiny but the smile on his face is still unsure, like he doesn’t have the courage to believe it.

“The whole package,” he says, and he’s not asking. It’s a statement. It’s that or nothing, and before Ryan can say anything, baby Nascha proves it leaning over Brendon’s body and crashing into Ryan’s chest, trying to crawl up him with the cutest giggle ever. He laughs and holds her in his arms, swallowing and looking at her and then at Brendon, something tightening inside his chest.

“The whole package,” he repeats, nodding and swallowing again because he realizes what’s happening and suddenly he’s feeling too many things at once. “I want the whole package, if. If you two agree.”

“Well, in that case… I guess you’ll have to ask her,” Brendon says, his smile shining wide open. Ryan lets out a laugh, mostly because it helps him relax somehow, but it turns hi more emotional, too, like he let go of himself a little. His eyesight is a bit blurred when he looks at the baby, still smiling.

“Okay, well, um…” he starts, and then he laughs again. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to ask. Like. Is that okay with you, princess?”

“Is _what_ okay with her?” Brendon asks while Nascha is just busy trying to poke into Ryan’s nose. He’s got that playful tone but there’s something else, too. There’s hope.

“Me, I guess? What do you think, baby?” he asks her again while he grabs her hand and laughs a little, kissing her little fist and keeping his eyes fixed on hers. “You okay with me being there everyday with you? And kissing you goodnight, and braiding your hair. Getting mad when I have no right to because you’re growing too fast,” he laughs, and he swallows so he can contain himself, blinking. “Being whatever you need me to be, but mostly what I’ve been wanting to be since the day I first saw you. Your dad?” he asks as he laughs again, not believing it yet.

Brendon bites his lips, he does it during the whole time Ryan is speaking and he still does it when he’s finished, looking at both Nascha and Ryan, his eyes welling up when he finally laughs and shakes his head, closing his eyes and bringing a hand to them, breathing deep.

“I…” he starts but his voice breaks and he just can laugh. He laughs even more when he looks up and sees what Nascha is trying to do, licking his lips and nodding. “I think she trying to eat your face means yes.”

Ryan laughs and moves to kiss her cheek a few times, his eyes even more blurred now before he looks at Brendon with a smile, rubbing his face a little.

“What about you, huh? Can I braid your hair too?” he jokes, reaching out with his hand to grab one of Brendon’s, swallowing and his voice trembling a little when he adds. “You want me to be with you everyday? As anything you need me to be.”

“I want you to…” Brendon smiles as he shakes his head, his hand covering his face when he starts laughing, choking up. “I just want you. That’s all I need. You. Just you, Ryan,” he says, looking up and taking a deep breath. “There’s nothing else.”

“Okay. Okay, shi- um. Oh, man,” he says, shaking his head and swallowing. “I’m trying to contain myself here, okay? You can’t just say those things and,” he adds, laughing again. “Come on, come here,” he finishes, and he pulls at him to bring him close and hug him with his free arm. Brendon laughs again, hugging him back hard at the same time he takes care they don’t crush the baby.

“I love you so much,” Brendon breathes out, pressing his nose against Ryan’s hair. “I don’t think I can remember the last time I was this happy.”

“I love you too,” Ryan answers, and his voice breaks a little because what he can’t remember is how many times he has dreamt about this. How many times he wondered if Brendon still loved him the same way he did. He opens his mouth to talk again but he can’t, he just takes a breath and swallows, closing his eyes and hiding his face in Brendon’s neck.

They just hug as Nascha tries to climb them up, Brendon pushing his fingers through Ryan’s hair, squeezing him tight, kissing the top of his head and the back of his ear, saying ‘I love you’ once and again, adding ‘thank you’ almost as much, like a prayer. Ryan needs a few to recover himself, but when does he looks at him shaking his head, not caring about his damp cheeks.

“Why are you thanking me? Come on,” he says, smiling at him and trying to hold Nascha so she doesn’t fall at the same time. “You don’t have to. Never.”

“What are you talking about? It’s the polite thing to do,” Brendon answers, leaning back to look a him better. “You say thank you when someone gets you a gift.”

“You two are my gift, so,” Ryan answers, laughing a little. “I’m just a man who’s crazy about you.”

“Oh, I bet you’re crazy,” Brendon laughs. “You don’t know where you got into. You… you’re becoming a _dad_ ,” he chokes, not even sure if he’s laughing or crying or both at the same time. “Her dad. Jesus…”

“ _Jesus_ ,” he says, too, laughing. He looks at her, with her huge eyes and bright smile, and he thinks about the blanket, the books and the diapers in his house, laughing again. “I am the luckiest man on earth, right princess?” Ryan asks, leaning in to kiss her forehead, closing his eyes for a moment and sighing.

They spend the rest of the evening just like that, enjoying each other and the baby, sharing little touches and light kisses, playing with Nasch, having dinner and putting her to sleep. Ryan feels like flying the whole time, unable to stop smiling and needing to touch Brendon every now and then, even if it’s just caressing his back or kissing the top of his head or hugging him from behind as he washes the dishes. Ryan can’t remember the last time he felt like this, and it’s almost like a dream, being able to do this, to finally act like they are together as two people who love each other, as a family. Only this time he won’t wake up to feel alone and sad. He’ll wake up to feel like living the best part of his life.

 


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are really, really sorry this took so long! It's been hard to have time to do this. I hope you enjoy it, anyway! This is the last one. -x

It’s early in the morning when Brendon wakes up that day, half an hour before the alarm goes off, as usual. He tries not to wake up Ryan as he moves his arm from under Ryan’s body, and he kisses Ryan’s hair before he gets up. It’s the break of dawn and the first rays of the sun start coming through the blinds. Brendon gets in the bathroom and washes his face, brushing his teeth and fixing his hair. The silence follows him when he gets out of the room. Sometimes he still remembers that time he left that same room thinking he’d never come back. How things have changed…

When he enters the baby room it’s still dark there, but he smiles when he sees his baby’s eyes bright wide open, a curious face and a bubbly smile. Brendon leans over the crib and whispers.

“You’re getting a little old for this crib, huh? We’re gonna need to get you a big boy bed soon,” he smiles, taking the child in his arms. The baby boy hugs him immediately and Brendon smiles wider. “Come on, let’s wake up dad and Nasch. We need to get ready for the trip.”

Sometimes he can’t believe Noa is almost two already. He still remembers the day Ryan and he decided they didn’t want Nascha to grow up alone. Ryan had retired that year too, and Brendon felt like it was the perfect moment to make their family bigger, to remember Ryan he had a reason not to feel down even when a big part of his life was over, an even bigger part was about to start.

Maybe they did it all pretty fast, going back to their old house, getting married, Ryan retiring and opening a hockey academy, looking for a new surrogate and having a son… Brendon is still getting used to his new last name. Brendon Ross still sounds weird to his ears, but he absolutely loves the way it fits his baby girl’s name. Ryan asked him explicitly to take his name. He wanted them to be a family, he wanted Brendon to feel like he belonged to a real family. And maybe Ross wasn’t the best example of a family name, but Ryan did want to rebuild what he once had.

Brendon leaves Noa on their bed and the toddler immediately crawls up to wake up his dad. Ryan smiles and moves, and he takes the baby in his arms as he wakes up, Brendon leaving the room to go wake up Nascha too. She’s already taking classes with his dad, so her room is full of hockey thingies Brendon still is trying to learn about. Now that it’s sure they’ll have another hockey player at home, Brendon wants to be there for his daughter, if not as much as Ryan can be, at least the best he can do it.

Nascha jumps out of bed the moment she wakes up. She has so much energy sometimes Brendon really pities his own mom remembering how he was as a child, now he understands how hard is to keep up with a hyper kid. Also, they get each other even more nervous for some reason, so that’s why it’s usually Ryan who takes care of Nascha’s needs, and Brendon who takes care of Noa’s. That baby boy is the calmest human being on the surface of Earth, and just being with him in his arms makes Brendon relax.

“Let’s go tell dad to get you ready?” Brendon asks Nascha as she jumps and hugs his neck, climbing him like a monkey.

“I wanna wear dad’s jersey!” She says with a big grin, and Brendon smiles too because it’s impossible not to. She can wear whatever she wants.

When they get back into his room Ryan and Noa are lying on the bed, dad almost asleep again and the baby eating his own fingers and cuddled against Ryan’s side, mumbling softly. Brendon smiles, leaving Nascha on the bed too and whispering “tickle monster” with a mischievous smile before they both jump on Ryan, tickling him awake.

He wakes up startled, shouting at first and laughing when he realizes what’s happening, bringing a hand to his chest as he tries to get away.

“Jesus, you trying to kill me or what?” he asks and coughs, his voice a little rough. Nascha laughs out loud and keeps trying to tickle Ryan, always looking at him with her contagious smile, making sure Ryan is not mad.

“We’re trying to wake you, dad! There’s a lot to do! We’re going on a trip!” Brendon says, and Nascha nods, still laughing.

“Oh, are we?” Ryan says, stretching and rubbing his face. “Well, then… I guess we all have to be fully awake,” he says, right before he looks at Nascha with a mischievous smile and grabs her, tickling her. She burst out laughing too, twisting and trying to get away from Ryan.

“Daddy, help!” She giggles and Brendon starts tickling Ryan again, even Noa joining too tangling his little fingers on Ryan’s hair.

“Hey! Not fair!” Ryan laughs, stopping and raising his hands. “I surrender! I surrender!”

“Yeah! We got him!” Brendon raises his hands victorious. “Now let’s get these little monsters to the tub, they need to get scrubbed clean,” he takes Noa and sniffs his diaper, making a face. “This one for real,” he jokes. “You use this one, I’ll get Noa to the kid’s bathroom.”

“Okay, super daddy. But I want a kiss first,” he pouts, winking at Nascha and looking at Brendon with puppy eyes. Brendon smiles, looking at Nascha too.

“Come on, baby, give dad a kiss,” he says, and Nascha gives Ryan a big, messy kiss on his cheek. “That’s it! Such a good girl!”

“Aww, thank you, baby. I love you,” Ryan says, but he throws Brendon a dirty look, smiling then at Nascha. “You already know the hairstyle you want today?”

“I want boxer braids!” She says amused, and Brendon holds back a laugh, patting Ryan’s back.

“Good luck with that,” he says, then looking at Noa. “And you and I are going to get suuper pretty, sir!”

He leaves the room, leaving Ryan and Nascha back and the kid’s room, where he’s got everything they need to change Noa’s diaper. He turns on the faucet and fills the tub with warm water. He likes getting Noa a nice, calm bath with toys and baby soap. Nascha enjoys showers and playing with the stream of water, playing firefighter and the like. Noa, on the other hand, likes to take his time and Brendon enjoys that moment of peace too.

When Brendon gets out of the bathroom, half an hour later, Noa wrapped in a towel, Ryan is brushing Nasha’s hair into a style she likes. He’s still a little bit clumsy when it comes to braiding, but he’s getting there. And Nascha is really the best at encouraging people.

“Is dad doing it as you like, honey?” Brendon asks, getting into the room and putting Noa down on the bed near to the clothes he will wear, using the towel to dry him up.

“He’s trying hard,” Nascha smiles, her ‘r’s still a little runny. She’s almost five so probably they should check if she has a speech impediment, but Brendon is sure she just talks too fast for her little tongue to keep up with her brain. He’s afraid she’ll be a loudmouth like daddy.

“I’m gonna let my hair grow so I can practice on myself and then I’ll be the best at it, you’ll see,” Ryan says. “I’ll become a professional hairdresser.”

“You think dad will look cute in your hairstyles?” Brendon laughs, and Nasch laughs too, nodding frantic, making Ryan lose the locks of hair he had in his hands. “Yeah! So cute!”

“Oh, you’re saying I’m not cute now?!” Ryan asks, fighting to get the hair back in place. He looks like his fingers are too long to do so.

“Well, yeah, that’s exactly what I was saying!” Brendon laughs, and Nasha laughs too but this time she shakes her head.

“No! Dad is cute and daddy is cute and baby Noa is cute too!” She explains. Brendon smiles, finishing dressing Noa and sitting him on his lap, looking at Nascha and Ryan.

“Look, baby, look what your sister said. She says you’re cute!” Brendon talks to Noa, who just looks everywhere with an amused smile. “He thinks you’re cute too, don’t you think, dad?”

“Oh, hey!” Ryan says when he looks at them, smiling big. “He’s smiling! And looking somewhere that’s not you, wow. Impressive,” he adds, laughing a little. “That’s my boy. I think we got ourselves the cutest kids on earth, right?” he says as he finally finishes with Nascha’s hair, tickling her a little and kissing her cheek.

“Not the fastest, though. Or I think that might be the daddies fault,” Brendon laughs, standing up and holding Noa in his arms. “Are you finished? You too, I mean.”

“Yes, gorgeous,” Ryan smiles at him, kissing Noa’s forehead when he gets close to them. “We all ready?”

“I think we are,” Brendon smiles. “You all guys are ready to go to Vegas?” Brendon asks, and he takes Noa’s hands and puts them up saying: “Yeeesss!”

“Let’s go then!” Ryan says, taking Nascha’s hand. “Let’s show the world how pretty you look. I’m really proud of this hairstyle.”

They take a taxi to get to the airport, and it’s the first time Noa rides a car that is not theirs. In fact, it’s the first time Noa takes a flight too, and Brendon wonders if he’ll take it well or not. He’s a really easy going kid, but planes can be scary. Nascha loves rides, no matter if it’s a car, a train, a plane. Brendon is sure she would love even riding a balloon (both kinds). Noa, on the other hand, it’s a little more apprehensive when it comes to new strange things.

Surprising enough, Brendon never gets to know if Noa likes planes or not because he falls asleep as soon as they get out of the taxi, and that’s the way he stays for the whole trip. Nascha is totally different, though, and Ryan gets her to finally make her stop jumping around after an hour only when he plays a video of the best Chicago Hounds plays on his iPad. He watches them with her, of course, explaining things and pointing at the screen when he wants her to pay special attention to something. Ryan misses playing, Brendon can see it in his eyes while he watches the video, but he knows Ryan wouldn’t change what they have now. He himself says that these days. Hockey was his life then, his family is now.

Once they get to the hotel the car Brendon previously rented is waiting for him at the private parking lot. Not like he’s going to immediately drive it, he’s sure Ryan agrees with him the best thing to do once you get in your suit is falling on the bed and rest. The kids are also tired, and that’s not something that happens often, so they can enjoy a quiet evening and night for a chance. The good thing about the car being there is they can plan what they’re going to do the next day first in the morning.

That’s how they decided it’s in their best interest to resolve Ryan’s issue the first, that way they can follow what happens and plan the rest of the trip according to it. They don’t go too early in the morning, Brendon wants the kids to sleep as much as they need but also wants to drive Ryan to the place and be at reach in case something goes wrong. Brendon is sure nothing will go wrong, but still. You can never be too careful.

It’s still early enough when they get in the car so there’s this ever-present silence so characteristic of early mornings. Noa is still kind of sleepy, but Nascha is ready for action, happy to get out like she always is. Once Brendon starts driving, he uses just a hand on the wheel, the other one holding Ryan’s so he stops shaking a little. He’s nervous, it shows, and Brendon wants him to know he’s not alone. Ryan tighten his grip from time to time, maybe because it makes him get calmer somehow or because he can’t stay still. He asks Brendon if he still thinks it is a good idea a few times, too.

“Where are we going?” Nascha asks, and his tone is a little worried because she might be still a kid but she’s so sensitive she knows something is going on. Brendon just looks back for a second and smiles.

“I’m gonna show you where I used to work when I was a teen, you wanna see it? There are lots of tasty things!” Brendon says, and Nascha changes her face, smiling wide and nodding. “Dad needs to do some things, but he’ll join us later, right?” He asks, looking at Ryan.

“Yeah, of course!” Ryan says, smiling at Nascha and looking at Brendon before nodding. He looks like he’s trying to convince himself by looking at him. “Sure.”

“Sure,” Brendon smiles at him, squeezing Ryan’s hand in his right before he takes the last turn. He drives slower now, not really sure where to stop, if right in front of the front door, if staying at the corner of the street. He looks at Ryan again and makes a questioning face. “You tell me, babe.”

“Keep going, don’t worry. The front door is cool,” he says as if he could read his mind. He clears his throat then, his leg moving fast nervously. “You gonna be around?”

“I thought about taking the kids to a smoothie place I used to work right before I left, just twenty minutes away. But I can stay closer if you want me too. I’ll keep an eye on the phone just in case you need me to pick you up no matter what.”

“Okay. Yeah, cool. You go there and have fun,” he smiles, turning back to look at the kids. “You’ll have to tell me all about the place later, okay?” He nods to himself before looking back at Brendon. “Thank you.”

“I’ll pick you up,” Brendon says, reaching out and holding Ryan’s face to kiss his lips. “You go there and do what you need to do,” he says before he slows down completely and stopping the car right in front of the house. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Ryan whispers, smiling softly. “And I love you two, pumpkins,” he adds a little louder, saying bye to the kids before opening the door and getting out of the car. “I’ll call you.”

Brendon thinks of staying there until Ryan gets in, just in case nobody is home, but then he thinks better and drives away. Ryan needs to do this alone, so Brendon will give him the space he deserves. He focuses on finding the place he wants to, it’s been so many years since the last time he set a foot on the shop he doesn’t know if he’ll find the way.

It looks like his brain is not as shitty as he thought, though, because his hands move on their own and soon they’re reaching the smoothie hut. Nascha’s eyes grow twice their size, and she starts jumping and smiling and screaming ‘daddy, daddy, daddyyyy!!!’ So, yeah, a couple of ice cream shakes and some waffles later he knows it was a good idea.

The place has changed a little, not there’s a lot of things for kids that weren’t there before, like a toy castle, a ball pool, and things like that. Brendon allows the kids to play around as long as they stay on sight, and he orders a pineapple smoothie for the old’s sake. Looking around makes him think about how time passes and how things changed.

Maybe if he hadn’t taken a job there, he wouldn’t have had the money to buy a ticket to Chicago, maybe he would’ve never gone to med school, maybe he would’ve never met Ryan. Such little things can make such great impact in your life you would never know. Like, for example, when Brendon’s book was just out and Brendon came back to Ryan’s (their) house, if Ryan had been there, if Ryan hadn’t moved out, maybe they wouldn’t be together nowadays.

Ryan almost had a panic attack when Brendon confessed he came back years ago only to find a closed door, but soon they agreed they weren’t ready yet back then. It would have been a disaster all over again. They met again when they had to because now Brendon knows there’s something watching over them making their destiny work together. It has to be. There’s no other way he ended up being this lucky.

It hasn’t been all flowers and rainbows since then, hell no. They’ve gone through some of the hardest things in their lives and they had to work a lot on what they had. Therapy helped, Brendon found out later, when he discovered Ryan read his book a million times and used it with Elisa to help him understand and become more understanding when it comes to relationships. It shows a lot, not just between them but in his way of treating the kids too.

Then there was the retirement thing. Ryan already knew it was going to happen, they talked about it a few times, but as the time came closer Brendon could see the real impact it was going to have on Ryan. It wasn’t pretty. There were a lot of tears and a lot of sleepless nights, even some weeks Ryan seemed so sad it almost made Brendon want to bribe every fucking hockey team in the whole world just to make them get Ryan back in the Hounds and play again and win or even lose, but to put something on his face rather than his heartbreaking look.

But, in the end, it was Ryan decision. The pain wasn’t going to go away no matter how many massages he got or how many painkillers he had. His body was reacting to too many years playing hockey and he knew that. Ryan knew it was the time not just because of that, though, but because he was missing a lot of things being away, he was missing spending time with his daughter, with his husband, with his family. Brendon knew he was going through a lot when he decided to retire, but he also knew Ryan was choosing what he wanted the most.

Family. It was a word Brendon found a new meaning to in the last few years. He always knew he had family that didn’t share his blood, he knew blood didn’t mean family, but now… well, now family meant a whole different thing. Blood-related, not blood related, he had people in his life who cared for him, loved him, and looked after him the same way he did for them. He even had in-laws he was always bickering with but actually loved, like in the movies. Because, yeah, as much as he hates to admit it, he ended up getting along with Spencer fucking Smith. It was all for baby James’ sake at first, and Brendon still doesn’t know how it happened, but goddammit, he does love that motherfucker.

In the end, family means forgiveness too, even when bad things have happened. And that’s why Brendon never thought twice about coming to Vegas the moment Ryan told him he needed to. Because Ryan deserves to find the family he wants by his side.

Brendon orders his third drink, keeping an eye on the kids playing in the ball pool while he checks his phone, texting back Cassie and Jacky, and reading the news just because he doesn’t want to go through his emails during his free time. He’s waiting for Ryan to call so he doesn’t pay attention to the people around him. That’s why he literally jumps the moment a figure sits in front of him at his table.

“Jesus Christ on a stake! What are you doing here?” Brendon asks, bringing a hand to his chest and leaving the phone on the table. Ryan laughs a little and grabs his hand over the table.

“Sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says. He looks less nervous than before, but still a little unsettled. “I walked here. I needed to… think.”

“You could have texted…” Brendon makes a face, but he tangles his fingers with Ryan’s. “So… did the walk help you think?”

“I’m… not sure,” he says, wrinkling his nose. “It was a lot to take, so. I’m not sure about anything right now, actually,” he adds, sighing. “And you’re right. I’m sorry. You must have been worried.”

“It’s okay, come on,” Brendon shakes his head. He doesn’t really care right now, he’s more interested in what Ryan needed to think and why a walk long enough to reach the smoothie place didn’t help, or at least not enough. “What is it? How did it go?”

“It was fine,” Ryan starts, his face looking like he’s surprised as he says it. “I mean. He was a little weird at first and, you know, he’s not the most communicative guy ever. But he was fine. He asked about my new job, he asked about you,” he says, looking at him. “It was a little surreal, to be honest.”

“I can guess…” Brendon twists his lips. “Is that what made you need to think?”

“Not just that,” he says, making a face. He takes a few seconds then and sighs before talking again. “He’s ill. Like, something about his kidneys, he didn’t explain a lot. It seems like he’s trying to, I don’t know, make things right or something. He didn’t say but he didn’t need to. We haven’t talked in years and suddenly he wants to know all about me?” Ryan makes a face. “I asked him if he could get better somehow, but he doesn’t want a transplant. He says he’s too old and someone younger can have them,” he rolls his eyes, shaking his head. “His fucking hero complex.”

Something in Brendon's throat catches. He still remembers how bad he felt when everything happened with his father, and still, nowadays he knows he would feel like shit if he knew his mom was dying, no matter his reaction, no matter what he’d do about, no matter how much resentment he still holds. So he can imagine how Ryan is feeling, Ryan, who is so much of a better person than him.

“How are you feeling?” Brendon asks, looking at Ryan’s eyes to read his face along with his words. He sees him nibbling his bottom lip.

“Confused. Mad,” he says, and the rage is present in his voice. “I called him a million times during these years. I desperately wanted to know about him even though he acted like he didn’t have a son at all. And he decides to do it now. To come back to my life just to make me lose him, it’s not fair,” he says, swearing under his breath. “I’m mad because he doesn’t want to get better so we can spend more time together again. So why? Why bother, then? And I’m fucking sad, too, Jesus.”

Brendon moves right away, the chair’s legs dragging through the floor when he stands up and takes to steps to hug Ryan. He hugs him close, hard, tight, and he kisses his head and his hair, taking a deep breath so Ryan takes it too. He does as he hugs him back.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, baby.”

“It’s not fair,” he repeats, and Brendon moves to look at him, grabbing a chair to sit by his side, nodding.

“It’s not fair, it’s not. But you’re not forced to do anything, okay? It’s not your duty either to forgive him or to give him another chance… or to ignore him. You’re free, baby, to do what you think it’s the right thing.”

“He’s my dad,” he sighs, looking at him. “I’ve always been stupid when it comes to him. I… I’d fucking give him my kidney if he wanted one. That’s what makes me mad, too. I can’t ignore him. No matter what he has done. And, and he didn’t even tell me how long…” he shakes his head. “Am I an idiot?”

“No,” Brendon answers immediately. “No, baby, no. You’re not. You’re just a good person. Too good, but not an idiot. So don’t think for a second I won’t stay by your side whatever you decide.”

Ryan nods and smiles a little, leaning his forehead against Brendon’s.

“There’s one more thing, though,” he says, sighing again. “And this. This is not my call. I mean. We need to talk about this,” he adds, leaning back and looking at the ball pool where Nascha is trying to teach Noa the colors. “He wants to meet the kids.”

“Oh, I see,” Brendon twists his mouth again, this time a lot of different feelings mixing inside him. It’s not like he wasn’t expecting something like this, in case Ryan wanted to rebuild his relationship with his dad, but it still takes him a little by surprise. “He said that?”

“Well, he said something like ‘it would be good having kids all over the place again, bringing some light’,” Ryan says, shaking his head. “He said this right after I mentioned them, so he wasn’t exactly subtle. I told him no, anyway. Like,” he takes a deep breath. “My first instinct was telling him no. Because he, he doesn’t deserve it, dammit. He can play me all he wants, but not my kids.”

“Well that’s for sure,” Brendon says, and he’s not trying to be rude or sharp, but he needs to get things clear. “I’m not in if this is just some kind of impulse we have to indulge just because he thinks he’s in the position of asking anything now. And I’m sorry if it sounds crude but it’s what I think.”

“It’s okay. I get it,” Ryan says. “It’s just. When I left he looked so… lost. He’s so alone. And he really looked like he needed this, you know? He didn’t say sorry, of course. He would never. He’s too proud for that. But I could feel he was sorry, somehow. He hugged me and… Jesus, Brendon, my father didn’t hug me since I was ten,” he explains. “I just. Maybe this is just because he’s dying some time soon, maybe he wouldn’t do it otherwise, but. Is it wrong to give it to him? Like, if I can make him happy his last months or years or whatever, why shouldn’t I? But then I think,” he sounds more frustrated as he talks. “I can deal with this. But our kids are so little. It’s not fair to give them a grandfather just to make them see him die. I don’t want them to live that. I lost my mom and I will never forget that feeling, I refuse to make them go through that. And that’s why I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do, babe,” he says, looking at him totally helpless.

“Well, baby, maybe this sounds harsh, but… it’s better to have a deceased grandfather who loved them than a living one who wants nothing to do with them,” Brendon says, making a face and looking down. “And if… when he ends up dying it’s gonna hurt the same. When my dad died hurt the same anyway.”

Ryan sighs and swallows, leaning against him a little and nodding.

“So, you think it is a good idea?” He asks, biting his bottom lip nervously. “They are so little…”

“I think it’s an idea, and it can turn out to be good or not, but still it’s better than to lie to our kids, don’t you think?” Brendon asks too. Ryan looks at him then, the doubt and the confusion written all over his face. It is so different from the Ryan he was years ago, now every emotion can be read on his features.

“I know you’re right. You’re right…” he says, but still he doesn’t sound convinced.

"Ryan, look,” Brendon says, holding both of Ryan’s hands and looking at him right in the eyes. “Is it really so urgent to think about it right now? Because, you know, we can always ask them. Maybe Noa won’t give us an answer but I bet Nascha has her own opinion.”

“I bet she does,” he says, laughing a little for the first time since they started the conversation. “She is so your daughter,” he adds, sighing and relaxing a little. “No, no. We can, I mean, we can think about it calmly and, yeah, ask Nasch,” he nods then, looking at Brendon again in silence for a few seconds before smiling. “Thank god I have you, huh? I was already driving myself crazy.”

“You give me too much credit,” Brendon shakes his head. “We are a team. A team of four, it is. We’re in this together, baby,” he smiles too. Ryan leans in to kiss him softly, smiling against his lips.

“I love you,” he whispers. “A team of four. For now,” he jokes then, laughing. Brendon laughs too, holding the back of Ryan’s neck and keeping him in place, pecking at Ryan’s bottom lip and sliding to his ear to whisper too.

“You’re not gonna get me pregnant, sir. Two is enough,” he jokes. Ryan makes a complaining noise, but the smile is still on his face.

“You can get me pregnant instead. I always liked the number four,” he smiles innocently. Brendon raises an eyebrow, shaking his head.

“That’s why we are four already, aren’t we?” He laughs, making a disbelieving face. “I can promise you one thing, though. I’ll try to get you pregnant as much as I can,” he laughs again, although this time his lips form a smirk. Ryan laughs too and shakes his head, but his eyes say he’s so in.

“You’re a dirty man,” he says. “That’s why I married you. Among other things,” he laughs again.

“I know that’s the main reason, don’t worry. I’m pretty proud of it,” Brendon jokes, but when he smiles it’s soft and warm. “So, should we call our offspring here? Or do you feel like playing in the ball pool?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course, I wanna play on the ball pool,” he says, smiling again. He looks more relaxed now than when he entered the place, though he’s not totally himself, which is understandable given the situation. “Come on, we have to get these bugs tired so you can try to get me pregnant tonight,” he jokes.

Brendon laughs and stands up, never letting go of Ryan’s hand when they almost run to the ball pool, feeling a little like a kid and almost glad he can’t get Ryan pregnant for real because, in times like this, he would really go for it. Nascha screams and laughs the moment she sees them coming, and Brendon lets himself fall on his knees at her side on the ball pool, not really wanting to make a show for the rest of the customers, but enjoying being there with his kids.

“Daddy, daddy! Look!” Nascha smiles, and then she looks at Noa, “do it, do it!” She tells him, and Noa immediately chuckles and hides underneath the balls. “Ta-da! He disspear!” Nascha laughs, and Brendon laughs too.

“Oh my God, where did Noa go?” He starts asking, making a surprised face. Ryan does the same, looking around as if he couldn’t see the baby’s butt sticking out.

“I don’t know! We lost him!” he says. Nascha laughs hysterically and they can hear Noa chuckling underneath the balls.

“Now, Noa, now!” She screams, and Noa jumps out, looking around to see everybody’s faces. “Yeeesss!! I taught him!”

“How did she do it?! I can’t even make him look at me more than two seconds,” Ryan asks Brendon as he laughs, taking Noa in his arms and kissing his cheek. “Your sister is a genius.”

“I think I know what to do here,” Brendon makes an understanding face. “We need to teach her whatever we want him to learn, and so we’re fine,” he smiles and Nascha makes a really proud face.

“It’s because I’m his big sister and I know better,” she explains, and Brendon nods.

“Of course you do honey,” and then he looks at Ryan. “And speaking of, dad wants to tell you something.”

“Um,” Ryan starts, looking at his daughter’s big eyes. They look just like Brendon’s when he’s waiting for him to tell him something and he’s listening closely. Ryan seems to hesitate a little before he sighs and talks. “You know. The reason I wasn’t here with you earlier was because I was visiting someone,” he starts, looking at Brendon for a second. “I was visiting my dad. Your grandfather.”

“Oh,” Nascha looks at him and then at Brendon, and Noa does too, maybe because he’s doing what his sister is doing or maybe because he’s as confused as she looks. “I didn’t know you had a dad too.”

“I do,” Ryan says, laughing a little and looking at Nascha softly. “It’s just, you know, sometimes adults make some mistakes and my dad and I didn’t see each other a lot these last years because of that. But now that’s going to change,” he explains. “Though it’s going to be a little hard for dad because he’s ill,” he adds, and then he stops and looks at Brendon as if he didn’t know how to keep going. Nascha makes a worried face, and Brendon looks at her with a smile.

“But that’s why we’re gonna get him really happy, right? So it’s not hard at all!” Brendon says, but Nascha seems hesitant when she looks back at Ryan again.

“Will you go away if I make a mistake?” She asks, worried. Ryan’s face changes right away, all the feelings showing in his eyes.

“No. No, of course not, baby,” he says, getting closer to her and taking her little hand in his. “Listen to me. I’m never going away, okay? No matter what you do, what you say. You can make all the mistakes you want because we all do. That’s not going to change how much I love you, okay?” he tells her, smiling. “Do you really think I can live without my princess? I could never.”

“In fact, that’s what dad was trying to say,” Brendon helps, getting the kids closer to them. “There’s so much love in this family we should share, don’t you think? We can show people how staying together is so much better than staying apart, right?” he asks, and Nascha nods, a little unsure yet but opening a little smile.

“Grandpa is a little old, but he really wants to know the reason why I am so happy,” Ryan says, leaning in to kiss Nascha’s hair. “And you three are that reason. So, what do you think?”

“‘bout what?” Nascha asks, and Brendon laughs a little.

“You feel like it’d be a nice idea to go pay him a visit?” He asks Nascha, and she makes a thinking face, looking back at Ryan.

“Is he nice with kids?” She asks, and Brendon can’t help but laugh again. Ryan makes a face but laughs too.

“Well. I guess,” he says. “I’m sure he’ll be the nicest to you, you know why?” The kid looks at Ryan expectant, shaking her head, waiting for the answer with huge eyes. “Because you’re the most beautiful princess in the whole universe. And not just outside, but here,” he says, pointing at her chest. “Inside. And it’s impossible not to love you.”

Nascha laughs and smiles showing her equally proud and embarrassed face, her cheeks getting the same color her daddy usually gets too. She moves, though, pointing at her little brother.

“What about Noa? He’s not a princess. And. And what if I do this?” She asks, and she uses her fingers to make ugly faces. Brendon burst out laughing, clasping a hand on his mouth because that kid is just too much. Ryan smiles wide.

“Heard that? You made daddy laugh! And this is a secret, so don’t tell anyone, but it’s my favorite sound on earth. So, that’s even better. Because you’re not just beautiful. You’re funny, too, and clever, and smart,” he says, pinching her nose softly. “And your brother can be a princess too. Or a prince. Your grandpa will love you both because you’re both awesome.”

“Okay,” Nascha nods, now beginning to understand. “Noa can be a giraffe too. I like giraffes. And I can be a penguin,” she explains, probably because she’s not worried about being liked by her grandpa anymore.

“Awesome! I’ll be a dolphin,” Ryan says, looking at Brendon with a smile.

“I’m a unicorn,” Brendon states in a totally serious face. Noa makes a bubbling sound, letting himself fall back on Ryan’s chest and drooling all over his shirt.

They play in the pool until they start getting weird looks because, well, they’re a couple of adults in a ball pool. They get out of it but keep playing around, in the castle, on the floor, everywhere they can, and when they’re tired enough they order some more drinks and food because Ryan can’t leave the place without tasting Brendon’s teenage years (no matter how dirty that can sound in Brendon’s head).

It’s when they’re finally leaving when it hits Brendon. He’s happy. Damn, he’s so happy. He didn’t know happiness was permanent, he thought it was just an emotion you could feel at a particular moment, not permanently. But now he knows. Fuck yeah, he knows. And it makes him feel generous because, fuck, everybody should have the chance to feel like this. So he looks at Noa in his arms, looks at Ryan holding Nascha’s little hand, and he smiles while he thinks: why the hell not? So he leans in, kisses his husband and looks at his kids.

“So what do you say, family? Let’s go visit grampa?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the end, my friends. After all this time we only can say THANK YOU. For reading, for your comments, for keep following these amazing characters even though it took us a long time to update. Thank you for every kind word and for forgiving our huge mistakes in English. We never expected this to have the amount of followers it got when we first started writing it and we're still overwhelmed about it, so thank to all and each one of you.
> 
> It's been a pleasure to write this story with Ragno, probably our last ryden one together and probably the one I'm more attached to. She had to put up with my rants about hockey and my need to find every house, hotel and city on the internet to give the details. Sorry not sorry, sis ^^. This Brendon is the perfect Brendon thanks to you, and we both know I couldn't have written this fic without you.
> 
> I hope you keep enjoying this story as much as I enjoyed writting it.Thank you all.
> 
> -Xipy


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